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+--- Thread: Sunbeam Lair but i feel so small (/showthread.php?tid=32224)
but i feel so small - Laurel - January 16, 2019
keeping vague about piper being in diaspora bc i'm not sure if stigmata will tell indra & if she would've told laurel by now. maybe indra-thread? but also all welcome!
It was frustratingly slow to travel with @Indra and @Marten along, especially since they had no clue on where to go. It felt like looking for a needle in a hay stack. Laurel had decided to go further north recently, but soon ran into the claimed lands of Swiftcurrent Creek, which caused them to stray towards the mountain ridge to avoid these lands. Laurel decided that they'd just go further north for a while, and then they would see where they wound up an if anyone had heard of someone by Lucas' (or Piper's, if she at this point didn't know yet) description.
Though her hopes had never been too high to begin with, this was even more frustrating. It was winter and they had to feed themselves as well as Marten, and Indra wasn't the best hunter to start with. Laurel felt a lot of weight on her shoulders, and it did not help she had no clue what she was doing while keeping up the façade to her travel companions that she did know. Laurel felt completely directionless, not only when it came to finding her missing children but also when it came to, well.. everything in her life. She just wanted to feel good, even if it was just for a day.
As they paused in the nook of the sunbeam lair at night, ready to travel along the mountain ridge further north and pass the creek, Laurel decided to take some alone-time break. She sat and stared up at the starry skies and wondered how a world that could be so pretty could be so cruel.
RE: but i feel so small - Indra - January 17, 2019
while laurel was wondering how the world could be so cold, indra was wondering how a living, breathing, thing comprised of her own flesh and blood could be so distinctly cruel. gods -- was her womb rotted, or cursed, or blackened? was her entire family cursed to endless and interminable suffering?
she did not know a single happy soul in her life; her mother, her father, her dead siblings, her not dead half-siblings, laurel -- even the hapless relationships she had taken great care to fashion with love and tender devotion had crumbled. tadec had gone with piper, stigmata, where could she even start?
was it her, all along?
like laurel, indra was becoming rudderless -- she slept little, worried often, and hollows sunk their determined claws into her features so that she looked just as joyless as she felt. their trek might not have been entirely in vain, but indra was so very weary of being driven from door to door, never settled. never secure.
never happy.
her sister's solitude was briefly respected -- but after a while of noticing laurel's absence, indra rose from where she and marten had been resting and followed the trail of the only constant in her life. at least she had laurel through all of this, she thought -- though she wondered how laurel was able to keep herself together so well. the edges were beginning to fray, but she was still the strong laurel indra had always known - and indra still followed her without question or doubt.
RE: but i feel so small - Laurel - January 22, 2019
An ear turned back when she heard someone's approach. Laurel looked back and she was glad to see that it was just Indra. She would've sent Marten away and might've aggressively warded off anyone else, but Indra, she could handle. Oh, how different things had been a year ago, when they had just returned to these wilds. Not that life outside them had been much better, but now... Struck by what Marten had said to her, Laurel wondered if truly her beautiful children had chosen to leave her. The thought struck a chord in her heart, but she didn't know how to deal with it other than to turn away from them. Perhaps it would be easiest to simply stick to Indra again. Bring her and Marten somewhere else, start anew..
This is a fool's search,said Laurel as Indra joined her, her gaze still on the stars because she could not bear to face her sister. She'd made her sister leave her children behind only to admit a week or so later that they were unlikely going to ever find Lucas and Piper (oh, and Wyatt).
I don't even know where to look.She was just doing something, anything, because that was the only thing that was keeping her sane: the lie that she told herself that she would find them, if only she tried hard enough.
But what if she found them and they didn't want her in their lives anymore? What if Marten was right and they didn't need her anymore? That thought was somehow even more painful than not finding them and simply pretending that they loved her and were either dead or unhappily trying to find their way back to their mama...
RE: but i feel so small - Indra - January 22, 2019
indra settled besides her sister, gazing up at the same fathomless set of stars. laurel did not remove her gaze from the heavens, but indra did not need to glance upon her sister to see the hurt spread across her features.
indra too felt hopless -- but to see her captain lost at sea struck a new sense of alarm in the redleaf.
"it's simple," indra tried, though her voice faltered -"we just keep looking, one new place at a time. we already found out piper was here... and maybe.. we'll get lucky again."
RE: but i feel so small - Laurel - January 24, 2019
This time it was Indra who took the steering wheel, if for a little bit, to keep the pair of them afloat for now. She glanced at her sister as she explained the steps, saying they'd keep looking. Piper wasn't at Stigmata's pack right now but she would return there surely, and then she could come home with them. Laurel didn't understand why her girl had left to join a new pack, but maybe she had just got lost and hadn't found her way home. But then again, Stigmata knew where she belonged... Why would he do this to Laurel? Was he that vengeful?
Pushing her anger for Stigmata aside for now, Laurel nodded.
Yeah, I suppose. I think we should to the coast.She took the wheel back, grateful that Indra had handed it to her.
Maybe we'll find something there. And we'll ask everyone we meet if they've seen Lucas.Or Wyatt, she thought idly, but admittedly her life was easier without trying to teach him how to be a proper wolf.
And from there we'll see. Maybe follow the coast? Do you know what's there?Laurel vaguely remembered the travels with Reek and how she happened upon the Creek during them. She'd been all over the place but her sense of direction was terrible and she wasn't much of a mountain climber, so admittedly Laurel had no clue what places were until she got there. She wasn't even too sure if she'd find her way back to the Hollow if they strayed too far...
RE: but i feel so small - Indra - January 26, 2019
indra was troubled as she watched over laurel, gazing onto her features to read from her sister's inscrutable face her mood. the suggestion to travel the coast was met with a cant of her muzzle in acceptance. indra had never been to the beach --the closest she had gotten was to the tangle, and unbeknownst to her, had missed casmir by just several minutes.
thinking of that made her think of reek, of casmir, of all the men in her life now gone. it was just her, and laurel.
her jaw tightened, but she spoke. "i think that is a good idea. plus, i have always wanted to see the beach."
RE: but i feel so small - Laurel - January 29, 2019
The coast it would be, then. Laurel felt at ease somehow having a direction again. She wasn't too sure what more the journey would bring them, but hopefully they'd find Lucas. And hopefully by the time they'd return with him and pass Stigmata's pack again in the mountains, Piper would be back there again and they could bring her along, home, too.
Laurel's mind wandered briefly onto this year and she wondered what would happen if their season came upon them. It would be better to have a plan when and if it did.
If we go into heat during this journey, I think we should take a break until it is gone and guard each other at all times to make sure nothing happens.It would be hard if they'd go at the same time, which was plausible, but they'd just have to do their best. Maybe Marten could finally be useful, too, but he was also a male so he might only complicate things further, like usually.
RE: but i feel so small - Indra - January 29, 2019
indra had not considered their time might be upon them -- truth be told, her mind was still on the ocean. her eyes slid from the distant horizon to her sister's in quiet surprise, her lips pursed in a thoughtful frown.
"oh god, i.. i didn't even think about that." she gasped, her ears flat to her skull as she imploringly met laurel's gaze. "laurel -- promise me -- if that happens, no matter what i say -- don't let me go." her voice lowered, and a quiver was drawn across her muzzle as she thought of her extant children, all left behind.
"i never want to go through that again." her voice quavered, the depths of her mahogany eyes tinged dark with pain.
RE: but i feel so small - Laurel - January 30, 2019
Indra seemed horrified at the thought, as she hadn't considered it just yet. Laurel had enjoyed teasing boys with it last year but it had all gotten too serious when it came to Xan, someone that she had genuinely liked. But he hadn't liked her enough in return and then everything had gone awry.
Don't worry, In. You just have to remember that you're in charge. So, like, even though your body wants to, you can just say 'no' and tease boys all you like, and I promise I'll be there just in case you lose control. But I know you can do it, Indra, 'cause you're strong.Laurel did not doubt her sister's ability to withstand the heat and only use her powers for good. Well, sort of good. Well, okay, not good at all but still, it was useful having men who wanted to do your bidding, even if only for a little while.
But for all we know it might not even happen.Laurel knew very little about how these things worked. The only reason she posed the point at all was in case it would happen. Indra needed to be prepared then.
RE: but i feel so small - Indra - February 03, 2019
it did indra some good to be encouraged so earnestly by laurel. drawing her gaze away from her sister, indra sighed and relented to the truth of her words. last year had not been so horrible - she had learned something of it all, after all... but then came the pain, the lance to her heart in thinking of the children that had been birthed from it.
she shut her eyes, warding away the memory of merrick's contemptuous dismissal.. of nunataq's confused but hardened expression. the girl had grown distant from indra even before their departure, and indra feared leaving had been the reckoning to sever their bonds completely.
she hoped to god her heat wouldn't visit her this year. perhaps with all the stress, the sturm und drang of their lives, her body would not see fit to blossom. perhaps after merrick, it would shut down completely -- for hadn't she yielded a full litter, all dead save for one child?
"we'll get through, either way." she affirmed, opening her eyes to glance upon laurel softly. of that, she had no doubt -- the two would keep going for as long as their limbs could carry them.
RE: but i feel so small - Laurel - February 05, 2019
Indra seemed to cheer up at least a little bit, which did Laurel some good. She herself was not quite as downtrodden about breeding as her sister. She realised that it would not be smart now but surely another year it would be entirely different than it was the last. Circumstance had beat them, but if they could wrap some poor idiot around their paws it would all be different already. They just needed someone who'd, well, stay. Maybe it was not the easiest thing, though. Xan had been less than perfect in every way, to the point where Laurel had not even said good bye to him. She thought that she had loved him a year ago but that was definitely over now. Now there was only bitterness that her love had not been reciprocated. Laurel from the past was right: Men were pigs and they were all horrible. And because Indra still seemed to befriend guys a lot, she needed to be protected from them and shown the light.
Anyway, Laurel nodded and smiled at Indra.
We will,she promised her sister, her earlier weakness tucked away in the back of her mind again, strong once more to face the rest of the journey. They'd get through. At least they always had each other.
RE: but i feel so small - Indra - February 07, 2019
indra felt a vague, nagging sense of foreboding about the coming season -- but laurel's newfound confidence helped ease her fretting. indra resolved herself to try to emulate laurel's natural-born sense of self-reliance -- if she could just be that determined, that steeled in her own convictions, then what occurred last season would surely not transpire again... and she would not have to face her future litter like she had done to merrick and nunataq, and inflict upon them their first (and perhaps cruelest) betrayal.
she quickly wormed that ugly thought down deep, swallowing it like one might swallow a wretched key. think no more of it, she cautioned herself, bringing her head to butt gently along laurel's neck. "i feel better," she affirmed, drawing in a deep sigh. "maybe we can get something to eat."
RE: but i feel so small - Laurel - February 08, 2019
Laurel smiled, her tail waving amicably, as her sister indicated to feeling better. She nodded in agreement and nuzzled Indra's cheek.
Let's.And then took the lead to go and find something small to hunt so they might fill theirs and Marten's stomachs at least for a little bit.
fade..? :)
RE: but i feel so small - Indra - February 09, 2019
i will make us a new one <3
laurel's nuzzle, a brief touch of affection, drew a similar smile from the redleaf -- and she too rose, though her own tail was far too amputated to reciprocate laurel's gentle tail-wag. drawing along the ground in a measured and comfortable silence, the two sisters worked in harmony -- first tracking a scent, and then earning themselves a hare's worth of a kill between the two of them. that night indra would surely think (and dread) of their conversation, but for now she was simply a hunter scratching for her meal, happy to lose herself in her appointed task.