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+--- Thread: Heron Lake Plateau who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. (/showthread.php?tid=32583)
who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Finley - January 30, 2019
right so I'm tagging you both, so whoever shows up first gets this thread and I'll make a separate one for the other. GO!
Fin had taken a bit of time to settle into the Copse, but always on her mind were the kids she'd left behind with the Redhawks. She felt guilty about leaving all of them, but two in particular were really giving her feels the business. So, she had gotten up early that morning, banged Elwood good bye, and headed back to the Plateau to check on those two sad, unhappy kids of hers - @Tegan and @Towhee.
It took her more than an hour to reach the borders, but she actually considered that to be pretty good timing. Her hip was a little annoyed with her, but she'd kept up with the physical therapy routine Raven had laid out for her and was pleasantly surprised to find it was doing her some good. When she arrived, she was faced with a conundrum that hadn't occurred to her before - was she allowed to cross the borders? Did she need to call for someone first? Did she need an escort? How did this whole sister-pack thing even work?
She thought of Towhee and decided to play it safe and just stay outside. Tilting her head back, she howled for one or the other of her forlorn babies, intending to spend some quality mom-time with each of them.
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Tegan - January 30, 2019
tegan heard the howl, but with a flick of his ear, ignored it, and turned to trek the opposite direction across the border.
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Towhee - January 31, 2019
Towhee didn't hear her godmother's call, though some serendipitous timing put her right near that stretch of borders not long after Finley arrived. The Beta paused in her step when she spotted her aunt, blinking loudly for a moment before bustling in her direction. She wondered if something was wrong or if Finley was simply paying a visit. They hadn't even been gone very long, Towhee noted with a twinge of annoyance that felt decidedly stale.
By the time she reached her aunt, whatever irritation she felt over the whole matter melted away. She opened her mouth to tell Finley she missed her but what came out of her mouth instead was, "I wish you'd come home."
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Finley - January 31, 2019
Fin wasn't left waiting too long, but the wolf that appeared was not the one she had expected to see first. She'd figured it would take Towhee some time to answer her call, considering it was X who would have to hear and then find her and then bring her. That whole series of events seemed like it would take some time, and she also assumed that Tegan would hear and come instantly sprinting as fast as he could. Little did she realize...
In any event, the Blackthorn wasn't at all disappointed to see her goddaughter approaching. She smiled brightly, wincing at the stab of pain in her heart that reminded her of just how much she'd missed her kid. She moved to meet her, but stilled a little at Towhee's words. Her smile faded a little, but she tried to hold it up as she canted her head. "What do you think I'm doing here?" Fin asked, doing her usual signing and speaking aloud simultaneously, "I told you I'd visit."
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Towhee - January 31, 2019
"'Visit,'" Towhee repeated, the word somehow flatter than her usual wooden tone. "You know that's not what I meant." She felt a surge of anger and exhaled sharply, trying to breathe through it rather than lash out at her godmother. She'd done that to Niamh and though she'd actually deserved much of that ire, it really hadn't made Towhee feel any better in the end.
"It's good to see you though," the Beta added after a likely painfully long pause. She missed her godparents... but not enough to get over herself and go visit, not yet, so she supposed she was glad Finley had made the trip. "You didn't bring your better half with you?" she queried, looking around conspicuously.
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Finley - January 31, 2019
Fin frowned a little at Towhee's response. This wasn't going to be easy at all. Her goddaughter just didn't see things the way that she did, though Fin at least could understand where the girl was coming from. She was hopeful Towhee might find that capacity for her as well, but she was very much her mother's daughter in spite of having never really known one another.
She couldn't come up with a response before Towhee broke the quiet that had descended with a softer comment. Fin smiled, though felt a twinge of hurt when the girl referred to Elwood as her better half. Towhee likely hadn't meant that as a dig, but Fin felt it as such. "Nah, I left him behind today. He's been slowing me down," Fin answered, smirking a little before it fell and the more serious topic they'd attempted to sidestep came back to the forefront of her mind.
"So... do you hate me?" Fin asked, wanting to just rip the band aid off and have the uncomfortable crap done and over with so they could move forward.
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Towhee - January 31, 2019
The mercenary smiled faintly at Finley's rejoinder, her orange eyes squinting when her godmother followed the quip with a point-blank question. Towhee's gaze cut away for a moment as she tried to collect herself. Don't be an asshole, she coached herself for a solid fifteen seconds before facing her godmother.
"No, I don't hate you. I could never," she said on another exhale. "I hate that you left though. I don't understand your choice. I know you explained it, kind of, but... I still don't get it." Towhee shrugged, feeling the heat of anger prickling under her skin but trying to contain it. "Especially the timing. Have you talked to Tegan?"
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Finley - January 31, 2019
Though she was clearly trying to pull her punches (a little), Towhee wasn't doing all that great of a job at it. Fin was pleased to hear that she wasn't hated, but she definitely was not her goddaughter's favorite person here. But she had known that walking into this. Which of course, did not make the little jabs any less hurtful.
"I'm here for him too," Fin said steadily before heaving a sigh, "Listen, I know we didn't explain our reasons very well, but frankly, there are some I just don't think you're going to accept regardless. And in any event, I think it's better if you get your anger out before I bother. So why don't you go ahead and start yelling. Let me have it - I can take it, and I probably deserve it. So unleash, kiddo. Get it all out, and when you're done, we can talk. And remember, I love the hell out of you no matter what." She sat back on her haunches then, wincing as her hip protested the adjustment. She settled her warm chocolate gaze on Towhee then, and waited.
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Towhee - January 31, 2019
"You're right," Towhee concurred when Finley said she likely wouldn't accept the reasons, "and... no." She blinked at her now seated godmother. She wasn't going to yell. Sure, she was still a little righteously wrathful about the whole thing, but it was all so... stale now. Towhee was done wasting her time feeling pissed off about things she couldn't control. Rather, she couldn't exactly help how she felt but she could control her behavior, for the most part.
And she just really wasn't interested in shouting at her godmother right now. Instead, the Beta pressed, "Did you see him yet? He worries me. I thought he'd go with you guys for sure. And, shit, I'm glad he didn't. But it's like he's not even Tegan anymore."
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Finley - February 01, 2019
Towhee rejected the opportunity to rage freely at her, which Fin probably should've been grateful for, but instead she just felt frustrated. She knew her goddaughter was pissed and she appreciated that the girl was trying to control it, but the last thing Fin wanted was for her anger to sit and fester. She wanted it to get out, but Towhee was stubborn, and she was apparently more concerned about this Tegan thing than Fin realized. It didn't take her long to puzzle out why, and she instantly felt sick.
"I'm not surprised he didn't come," Fin admitted, considering everything now in a different light, "He probably doesn't want to be around Wildfire or Bat's sisters. As heartbroken as Tegan is right now, it doesn't compare to the way a mother feels when she loses her child." Lucy flashed in her mind - a ghost that would haunt her endlessly, and would always break her heart all over again the moment she entered Fin's thoughts. "I'm sure he feels guilty, and lonely, and he's probably taking everything out on himself. He will always be Tegan, but loss does change you," she said solemnly, "He'll come back though. He just needs time to grieve, and he needs us to remind him that he still has us, even when he doesn't want anything to do with anyone."
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Towhee - February 01, 2019
Finley's reasoning made sense to Towhee. Would Wildfire and Kiwi even let Tegan near them? It occurred to her that they might actually hold him responsible. The thought made her angry, though Towhee didn't mention it. It was best for Tegan to stay here, regardless of his parents' whereabouts. She was keeping a close eye on him, even if she was also giving him his space.
"I know. He knows I'm here. I'm looking out for him," the Beta said. "It's just hard to watch." It was definitely concerning, though she found she didn't actually want to linger on the subject. "Just make sure you see him before you go back," she implored gently, then suddenly switched gears and asked, "So? What's life like over in the golden copse or whatever?"
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Finley - February 03, 2019
Fin did her best to sound convincing, but she was suddenly not finding it easy to believe her own words. She knew her son was strong and she believed in his strength, but the idea of what might become of him if it turned out he wasn't was enough to invite paranoia in. When Towhee asked her again to make sure to see Tegan, she couldn't help but narrow her eyes a little and murmur "I already said I would," to herself, intentionally keeping her lips from moving much so Towhee wouldn't be able to tell what she'd said.
She took a breath and let it go, focusing on the conversation topic change. "Things are busy, what with everyone getting to know one another and get established," Fin said, going back to her signing/speaking/ensuring Towhee could understand now that she was done being petulant, "Busy for everyone else, I should say. El and I are playing the retired card hard over there and have mostly just been den hunting and strolling around, getting the lay of the land." Which was exactly what she had wanted in moving. She'd never truly felt like her responsibilities had been taken off of her shoulders with the Redhawks. She was determined to make it so with the Firebirds.
"How have things been around here, other than Tegan?" Fin asked, curious to know if she and Quixote were getting along again or not.
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Towhee - February 04, 2019
Towhee's insides twisted as Finley answered her question. She couldn't quite put a finger on the feeling (and would have rejected it as the fear of missing out, which was it exactly). She drew in a steadying breath, trying to quell the resentment that curdled bitterly in her throat before she replied to her aunt's query.
"Not that great," she replied honestly, shrugging a white-streaked shoulder. "It feels like a ghost town. It feels a bit like everybody bailed. I'm still coming to terms with it." That was simply the bald truth of it. She thought of Niamh and flung it away just as quickly, not wanting to dwell on that particularly stinging betrayal at the moment.
"Want to go find Tegan?" she offered.
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Finley - February 06, 2019
Fin nodded sympathetically to Towhee's sentiment. She did feel guilty for that, but she reminded herself of all the times she had experienced the same in her life. Most packmates she'd known had come and gone throughout her life. The only truly steady ones she'd ever known had been Peregrine and Fox. And Elwood, but come on, like he was going anywhere. She had once upon a time expected her kids to stay by her side for their entire lives, but they had taught her time and time again that they had their own lives to live. She had long since stopped trying to hold them so tightly to her. Now here she was, being the one to walk away.
Except she had to remind herself that she might have walked away from some, but she had walked to others. That was the problem with having so many kids - how did you choose which ones needed you the most? You couldn't. Eventually, when you were old and grey and slowly falling to pieces, you had to start choosing yourself again.
It wasn't really a consoling thought, and it definitely wouldn't have done Towhee any good to hear it put quite in those words. So, she nodded in agreement to beginning the @Tegan hunt, but before they began to walk, she said, "I've known that feeling many times in my life. You'll get used to the change, and I personally hope you'll learn not to hold it against anyone when their lives taken them down a different road than the one you're on. There really is nothing to take personally, Tow. Sometimes life just surprises you."
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Tegan - February 07, 2019
tegan had gone to his den. he wouldn't have to face his mother from here, since she was on the border probably talking to towhee or something. smart boy, smart boy. and! oh! he could totally take a nap. hell yeah nap. tegan could really use a nap.
actually, by now, tegan had totally fallen asleep. it wasn't really that long a time frame, but he'd managed it. even since the bat incident, tegan had no problems falling asleep. it seemed one trauma traded for another, since before nightmare's plagued him. now, his sleep was pretty easy. good life, i suppose. but so, go figure, as soon as the yearling had managed to doze off, voices stirred his slumber. i mean, there was no hiding now. unless he pretended to be dead.
...
no, no, can't do that. get up, buddy.
whether or not they were yelling at him or talking with their indoor voices was entirely lost of tegan, who woke slowly and stood, poking his head out the opening. green eyes blinked sleepily a few times, and he stared at both women outside his makeshift den. stifling a yawn with a few flicks of his ear, tegan slurred his usual slur even worse than usual, "w'sup." mostly to finley. casual.
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Towhee - February 11, 2019
As much as Towhee loved her godparents, she grew weary of what felt like platitudes. She did her best to ignore the rankle over, "There really is nothing to take personally, Tow." She nodded to acknowledge what her aunt had said but made no reply.
They were spared any contentious silences by rustling up a Tegan. "I'll leave you two to catch up," Towhee said, turning to go. She paused and then swung back to swipe Finley's tongue with her cheek before departing.
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Finley - February 12, 2019
Towhee didn't say anything again, and this time, Fin couldn't hang onto the frustration this made her feel. It had disappeared prior to the stiff nod she was given and replaced with only a lonesome sort of melancholy. Towhee might not want to scream at her, but Fin was beginning to feel desperate for something. For anything that told her the daughter she'd raised that had loved her and respected her was still there. Sure, being shouted at didn't really suggest love or respect. But it did suggest feeling. Tegan wasn't the only one who had changed.
When they found Tegan, one look at him had Fin steeling herself for another round of heart-bashing. Towhee excused herself and Fin stuck her tongue out in preparation to receive the girl's cheek because that's how this works now. She was grateful for the gesture, though still felt awful as Towhee disappeared. At least one step had been taken with her. Now it was time to take a step with the other.
"Hey kid," Fin said affectionately, turning to offer her son a smile that was well painted with concern, "I've missed you. How're you doing?"
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Tegan - February 13, 2019
towhee dipped, tegan wasn't sure if he expected that. his nose dipped a little bit at her comment, but he looked dully at finley with a slow, and short, wag of his tail. she asked him how he was doing, tegan just stared. "its all calm, ma," he said with a flick of his pale ears, wondering in what world he would be okay and why she would even bother asking? but no point in being a fuckin baby. tegan would suck it up and be fine as ever just to avoid having a conversation.
"how's the coat?" he asked, fucking the name of the copse entirely on purpose, but appearing casual enough that ... well, maybe he didn't know? but nah, he totally knew.
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Finley - February 14, 2019
In spite of how awful she felt about how sad her son looked, she couldn't help but smile a bit as he responded. She had always appreciated his totally bizarre vocabulary (and often wondered where on earth he had learned it). She was usually good at figuring out what he meant - at least, she thought she was. She wasn't all the time, as evidenced by...
"I'm getting by," she answered with a smile, "I probably need to stop by and see Raven so she can harass me about taking it easier and not overdoing it and blah blah blah." It would make her feel better, she was sure. But she wasn't here for that, really. "How about you. You been up to much?"
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Tegan - February 14, 2019
it went over her head, but that was fine. tegan really didn't care to know how the corpse was and, quite frankly, the less he heard about it the better his life was. peachy keen, even, without any update on the cobblestone. that being said, he entirely zoned out when finley answered, floating around in his own head for a second, which was incredibly roomy and offered lots of space to roam freely.
"yup," replied tegan with a flick of a grey ear, as in he'd been up to plenty. but he didn't elaborate, he just stared at his mother rather dully.
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Finley - February 15, 2019
Okay, straight up, this was the fucking worst.
He barely answered her. He was looking at her, but Fin knew he barely saw her. Situations like these sucked. She wanted him to be happy. She wanted to fix him. She wanted to see him smile and to hear him tell her about his day with all his silly, nonsense words. But he was hurting. She had hurt him and the world had hurt him worse, and she couldn't do a damn thing about it. There was no going back on the choices she had made, and Fin had learned a long time ago that there was no bringing back those who were lost. So what was there then? Small talk and fingers crossed that one or the other might somehow make a difference?
This sucked. It sucked.
"Scale of one to ten," she said finally, unable to help herself, "How pissed are you at me?" Fin couldn't take the hunky-dory bullshit anymore. Tegan had always been real with her and she needed that back, somehow. No matter how awful the things he had to say to her were.
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Tegan - February 16, 2019
finley jumped right to a point tegan assumed she'd eventually get to. blackthorns were not ones to beat around the bush. his ear flicked forwards towards her, but his gaze remained rather steady. a gentle shrug of his shoulders accompanied a short response. "zero, if you wanna let me break the scale," he said, because one to ten didn't include zero.
tegan sighed a heavy sigh and finally looked away, rolling his shoulders. "i'm fine, mom," he said, not exasperated but with a breathy bit of emotion, "i'm not happy, i'm not sad, i'm not angry. i'm just fine." his gazed flicked back to her, settled upon her own warm, chocolate gaze. "i wasn't angry at easy for choosing not to stay, i wasn't angry with niamh when she left, and i'm not mad at you now," he told her with a single flick of his gray tail, "i'm not holdin' grudges on wolves who are just living."
"and don't ask about bat," he added, brows furrowing, expression darker now, "i'm keeping up with duties, i'm eating, i'm sleeping, i'm fine."
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Finley - February 18, 2019
Finley was quiet as he responded, explaining that he wasn't upset with her - he wasn't upset with anything. Not angry, not sad, not... anything. It honestly alarmed her more than if he actually had been furious with her, but who was she to argue with him and demand he feel things he didn't? At another time in her life, she would've said that she was Finley fuckin' Blackthorn, and she could do whatever she damn well pleased, including starting completely insane arguments with loved ones who clearly just wanted to nap. But she was grown now, and she just wanted to be there with her son.
"Okay," Fin answered simply, not rising to the warning edge in his tone. If he didn't want to talk about how not sad or mad he was, then that was fine. It was fine too to not talk about Bat. Hell, they didn't need to talk at all (though it would be interesting to see Fin keep her mouth shut for that long), as long as she could spend some time with him.
"You wanna grab something to eat and hang?" she asked hopefully, "I can tell you stories about the really stupid shit I did when I was your age and you can roll your eyes at me?"
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Tegan - February 18, 2019
a metaphorical whoosh of air crashed over tegan as his mother accepted what he said at face value. was it true? i dunno, tegan doesn't do emotions like that, but he at least was confident in his answer. and it felt true. tegan hated dealing with wolves when they didn't take him seriously, or when they treated him like a baby. like they pitied him. and finley was maybe starting to do that, maybe because he was totally being a fuckin asshole -- all blunt and shit -- so two way street, but tegan wasn't blaming himself for this.
either way, when she moved on, tegan felt a little lighter. "if it's stupid enough, i won't roll my eyes at you," he tried with a glimpse of a good ole tegan smirk -- all shitty and toothy. "i brought in a really fat fox yesterday, maybe it's still there," he added. which was such a lie, raven, Phoebe, and that other one -- kite, maybe -- totally took that fatass down. but finley wasn't part of the pack anymore, so she wouldn't know.
RE: who's saying nothing about as loud as she can. - Finley - February 25, 2019
"Excellent, something to aspire to," Fin said with a grin, feeling relief flood her when she wasn't outright rejected. After agreeing that a fat fox sounded like just the thing to give her the energy to tell him only of the stupidest of her misadventures, she nodded to him to lead the way and they set off together to grab a bite and spend some quality time together for a while before she had to break her own heart again and head back to the Copse.