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+--- Thread: Lost Creek Hollow I'm not gonna try and change your mind. (/showthread.php?tid=34724)
I'm not gonna try and change your mind. - Ibis (Ghost) - May 28, 2019
It was about time she relay information to her daddy, so Ibis woke that morning (feeling much better physically, but still tumultuous mentally and emotionally) and sought out @Terance — assuming with some strong logic that he'd be at the shared den with Treason (lmfao I can't believe I wrote Terance twice) and the kids, it seemed like she was destined to meet the trio, and she wasn't sure how to feel about it.
Remembering how she felt when Olive had brought her three new sons to the borders of Elysium (and the inner turmoil that began for her) made Ibis nervous of this meeting. She took her time; telling herself she was looking for a gift for the kids, until she arrived at the den without any such thing to show off to them.
It was quiet — maybe too early for them to be up — and Ibis felt a little bit awkward for coming by. There were a few songbirds twittering up in the trees but, for the most part, it was a quiet and cloudy morning. The smell of tin was in the air, or something vaguely metallic. Ibis watched the sky for a few minutes and tried to mentally prepare for seeing her dad and convey whatever messages had been given to her — but her mind wandered as she watched the veil of grey overhead.
RE: I'm not gonna try and change your mind. - Terance - May 28, 2019
though it may have been early, terance was already awake. in fact, he'd already gone on a patrol and returned to the den that morning with a meal for his wife and kids. he paused when he noticed ibis, his dark ears pricking as he observed her. he noted the nerves that seemed to radiate off her, and silently wondered what this was about. he almost entirely forgot that she had scouting news to report back to him... such a thing didn't strike terance as nerve-wracking, but ah, what did he know.
he chuffed as he began towards the den again -- a quiet and deep sound that hummed from his throat.
good morning, little bird,he murmured to her through the meat, depositing it at the entrance and turning back to look at his daughter,
and what can i help you with today?
RE: I'm not gonna try and change your mind. - Ibis (Ghost) - May 28, 2019
When her father came in to view she relaxed considerably, but then as she closed the distance she thought of how serious and commanding the giant from the glen had been, and tried to emulate Ira with a straightening of her posture and lift of her chin. She imagined what someone like that might sound like when they were hard at work — and when she replied to her father, Ibis sounded like she was doing a pantomime of a soldier at roll-call.
I am here to report good news from our neighbors. Our messages were delivered promptly, and they wish us well. Easthollow's Alpha has a new litter of her own; Swiftcurrent is perhaps the most fortunate with multiple litters, and then there's Elysium—Here her voice hitches, and the act slides away before she can stop it. Ibis smiles at the very thought of her old home but it is fleeting for the news she bears is a little bittersweet in her heart:
Mama Olive has three new sons—I have more brothers.
She wanted to be happy about it. She was, sort-of. But she was also uncertain, and the uncertainty played across her features without any trace of a filter. With everything reported she felt good, though — her adventure had been worthwhile.
RE: I'm not gonna try and change your mind. - Terance - May 28, 2019
terance pauses to give his daughter his full attention, settling before her on his haunches, tail sweeping once behind him to rest calmly as he listened. ah, what good news this all was.
good,he murmurs, and then terance asks only a single question,
did you share any of our news with them?it was straightforward enough -- terance imagined she did. truthfully, he couldn't remember the tasks she'd gone out with... so he was prepared to feel a little guilty if this was a stupid question. he knew he'd be able to tell by the look upon her face -- it was so easily written upon.
and then, he rolled his shoulders a little and began to look upon her carefully, looser now than just before -- as terance moved only mildly away from the topic of business.
how does that make you feel?he asked her, gaze steady on her features,
the news about your new brothers, i mean.
RE: I'm not gonna try and change your mind. - Ibis (Ghost) - May 28, 2019
His question was met with a little nod.
I told them we've got multiple litters of our own. Gannet mentioned his interest in herbs and healing, so he might revisit some of the packs and trade knowledge with them.
When Terance caught on to her unease she paused. Her thoughts were a jumble — because Ibis was happy for her mothers, but not sure about herself. The indecision was clearly wrought across her face and she knew it. For once, she wished she wasn't so easy to read. Not knowing what to say - or really how to say how she felt - she shrugged and gave a non-answer.
I'm happy they are happy.Even if it made her feel like she was being replaced all over again. Ibis had gone through a similar line of thought when she found out Terance was going to have kids, but this felt different because this was about Seabreeze and Olive, who had been big fixtures in her childhood. She knew her mothers weren't trying to replace her, or Okeanos for that matter.
Her brow furrowed.
I'm a little jealous of them,she admitted finally.
They get to spend all their time with mom. I mean... I chose to come here, and its been fun, but there's kids here too — I miss being small. Er, young. I'm always gonna be small,she was jumbling up her explanation too now, which led to a small huff and her silence.
The childhood of both the children had been ripe with confusion and indecision. The monumental decision to move the tiny family so often had been hard on Ibis specifically, although now that she was a juvenile she couldn't really think back to those moments with much clarity. She wondered what life would be like if she'd had a stable place to grow up - and that was likely the root of it all.
RE: I'm not gonna try and change your mind. - Terance - May 28, 2019
terance nodded, repeating again,
good.she'd done well. though terance hadn't really expected ibis to become a scout (what had he expected, anyway? what, with so little part of her rearing?) but was quite proud of the scout she was. it seemed she had a knack for it.
you'll be an excellent ambassador... if that's what you want,he told her with a warm smile, tail tapping on the ground.
but, her worries were not gone unnoticed... and as glad as terance was that he could catch these subtleties, he did regret asking. as always, though he tried, terance was not the best with advice. honestly, he thought he was better at it with ibis than anyone else... but that was just his opinion, and he had no way of knowing if what he told her even helped. he sure hoped it did. he just really liked believing that he was a good dad. he really hoped he was.
he couldn't help but chuckle at the last bit. goodness, if ibis had gotten anything from him it was his inability to verbalize his emotions. terance shifted to lean forwards and give her a lick to the bridge of her nose, placing a large black paw gently on one of hers -- just for a moment -- before retreating back to where he sat.
you'll always be small,he agreed softly, thinking hard about what he was going to say. in all blunt honesty, terance had attempted to replace ibis and okeanos. of course he'd had feelings for treason and of course he had never thought about it like that... but at the end of the day, terance had filled a hole in his heart with another woman and another litter. it just happened that ibis returned to his life, so terance made room for them all. of course, that was hard to explain on it's own.
life's easier when you're a pup, and it's hard when you get less time with your parents because they're just so busy,terance agreed, beginning his 'wise' speech to the young girl, adding at the end with a small grin,
i'm an older sibling too, remember?which was true. to wraen and sarah... and then maia, cassie, and cori... and then three more he didn't even know about. terance was part of a more whole family... so he didn't know the pains of divorce or fighting for love. but he could maybe understand jealousy. he hung on to the notion that ibis wanted to spend more time with him... it meant a lot to hear... but terance couldn't help but wonder if it was treason and the pups that were the real reason ibis was going to leave. could he make her stay?
he faltered, here, for the right words to say. how could he be reassuring when he didn't even know what she wanted to hear? he tried the only approach he knew... which was honesty, mostly, and as much love as he could cram into one statement.
but i'll always love you, little bird, with my whole heart. and i will always make time for you, no matter what. anything you need i'll always be here for you.he hoped she'd understand -- but it was hard to get across what he meant... especially to ibis, who probably had too many emotions and prejudices buried deep down to understand.
RE: I'm not gonna try and change your mind. - Ibis (Ghost) - May 28, 2019
Ibis didn't like that she was a puny representation of a wolf. Being small had very few upsides in a world where physical dominance was key, not that she'd ever had any notion of becoming a dominant force in the hierarchy or anything. Being small meant she had to work harder to get places — on the flip side, she ate very little. It didn't bother her so much that she was small until recently when Okeanos came to visit. He had gotten so very, very big — like a mountain! And the more she thought about it, the more Ibis realized she was jealous of her own brother for growing in to someone so big and so strong. Meanwhile she was stuck with a tiny body, and she wasn't exactly athletic with it. Ibis was clumsy at the best of times, not confident or powerful like Ira of Easthollow, which was yet another flaw she could add to her mental list of failings.
When her father tried to assure her Ibis felt herself tense, because the sight of his massive paw next to her dainty little one made the difference seem even greater. The girl remembered when she visited Rannoch and his newborn kids; he'd said that babes grew in to all sorts of shapes and sizes — but Ibis had been unfortunate enough to be stunted (or so she thought), to be made too small and insignificant. How could she ever be as mighty as Ira, as intimidating as Treason, or as beautiful as her own gorgeous mother, when she was stuck in a child's body?
Ibis couldn't help but frown and pull her paw away from her father's as it was extended, and looked away from what he was trying to show her, her ears slicking back when he spoke of how she was destined to be small. She knew that. She wasn't stupid.
—I'll always love you, little bird, with my whole heart. And I will always make time for you, no matter what. Anything you need I'll always be here for you.her father promised everything he could, and maybe that would've been enough had her good mood not turned so sharply, but Ibis couldn't help but see the hypocrisy in what he was saying. Before he was even finished stating all that he did she shot back:
I needed you before and you weren't there.referring to the separation of her parents and how badly she had pined for her father's love in the early days of their dissolving relationship. She looked at him with hurt, although it wasn't Terance that caused this wound she felt but her own self-doubt and budding angst.
I came to find you and you'd moved on from me — from all of us. That's not fair.
Neither was this moodiness, and Ibis knew that deep down she wasn't angry with Terance or the events that led her to this point. She was just sad, because -- what else do teenagers experience?
RE: I'm not gonna try and change your mind. - Terance - May 29, 2019
read: terance stared at her very quietly for a little bit too long before finally speaking like 4 words
as the carpet was yanked from his feet, terance felt himself begin to fall. he watched as ibis emotionally retreated from him, suddenly out of body — unable to stop the situation as it unfolded in slow motion before him.
he fought to come back before her composed. he fought not to come back angry. he fought not to argue with her. he’d argued with so many wolves about this — namely seabreeze. he fought not to tell her how it was not him that moved on, but seabreeze. it was not him that destroyed their family, but seabreeze. gods almighty terance could do nothing but stare and he used every fiber of his body not to unleash all the buried tension he’d always had about the situation on his teenage daughter... who knew nothing but what she was told, and terance had never been around to tell her anything. but he was unable to tell her anything, she’d been stolen away from him too long ago.
when he grounded himself mentally, appearing calm and quiet throughout her entire outburst, terance still hadn’t found many words within himself to mend the situation. he didn’t know how to defend himself from accusations that were plain wrong, when he knew in his heart that ibis wouldn’t listen to him even a little bit if he framed sea breeze. she just wouldn’t listen, and that’s where he struggled.
he was tired of defending such tired accusations. such a painful memory that wasn’t even his fault. he silently reminded himself that he deserved happiness. you deserved to move on. he reassured himself, feeling a wave of guilt at her accusation of replacing her. but sea breeze had done the same thing — could she not see that? why was he the bad guy? terance knew that, despite all the signs pointing away from him, he would not win an argument.
with a sad look, one that pulled the edge of his lips into a frown and brought his brow down to a crease, terance said softly to his daughter,
i hope you don’t think that’s true, little bird.
RE: I'm not gonna try and change your mind. - Ibis (Ghost) - May 29, 2019
She knew what she said was a low blow, and that they'd worked through that drama already. She knew it was wrong of her to dredge it up even before the hurt entered his expression and burned in his voice, and Ibis felt familiar twists of guilt in her gut and fled from them by letting her emotions get the better of her — that was the easiest part, giving over the practised stability taught to her by her mothers. The girl's hurt wasn't truly aimed at her father but she had no way to decipher it, to weild it, so she erupted in these childish fits.
I'm sorry daddy,she sighed her reply, unable to look at him because of how terrible she felt.
I didn't mean that.Sure, she wasn't so great with words, but usually Ibis was polite and controlled. Her father didn't say the right thing but she couldn't blame him for that — in the end she didn't really know him and he didn't know her, so they were bound to have a rocky relationship even if effort was put forth to fix it. He had a new litter to care about now anyway; she couldn't help but frown at that thought, mirroring his expression subconciously.
Look — I, I do love you daddy. I'm sorry for what I said, but, I... I left mom to get to know you better, and maybe that was a mistake.Maybe her parents had seperated for a good reason? Maybe — and this was a brand new thought that was flavored by this lick of sorrow deep inside of her — maybe he never wanted her or Okeanos to begin with. What other conclusion could she draw from her experience within the Hollow?
Now you have kids you actually want, and Okeanos and I — we don't belong here any more than we belong in Elysium. So we'll go and you can have the family you've always wanted.
She didn't know what she was saying but could intuit that the Hollow just wasn't home anymore.
RE: I'm not gonna try and change your mind. - Terance - May 30, 2019
even as the girl retreated — a little — and took back the nasty things she had said, they still stung. the sting in more than just the emotional sense. terance could feel them in his chest, burning furiously. in the corners of his eyes, where no tears were, but threatening to appear. he felt it in every fiber of his body, the pain of hearing your own child tell you that you failed. and even as she backtracked, the ‘kinder’ words hurt more.
frustration welling more and more within his chest. who cursed him with this inability to speak, god damn it? was it osprey? dante? what did it matter anyway — they were both dead. what childhood trauma curbed his ability to know how to handle emotions? what made such an empathetic man so mute?
ibis,he said, a little sterner than before, but it softened as he continued,
i loved your mother very much... and when you and okeanos were born you were the light of my world. i wanted you both.he stared at her with his brow furrowed, deeper than before, and he mustered up sentences. it hasn’t worked before, so he tried again: somehow he felt it would go worse, but terance was out of options and felt backed into a corner.
seabreeze left me,he tried to clarify, but how could he make her believe that? she loved her mother more than him, and he didn’t want to play any victim...
i didn’t leave you. and we other moved further away because there was no food on the mountain and the rest of the pack was suffering. the hollow is safer for us.
you can go wherever you want in the world, i’m not your keeper, but i hope you come back to visit me,he said, ears flicking backwards,
i want to get to know you better... i.. am sorry if you don’t care to know me.the last part was more defeated than before. terance just wasn’t made for a for arguing — for insults — for cruel words. not when the wolf before him was his daughter.
RE: I'm not gonna try and change your mind. - Ibis (Ghost) - May 30, 2019
She kept quiet as he spoke, fighting for her own composure the more she heard from him; she knew not to blame him as the root of all evil and yet, there was a small bitterness inside of her that Ibis couldn't shake. Some carry-over from her childhood that now flavored how she felt about the people that should've been her sun and stars. She wanted to say something but found her words lacking, so she was silent.
Until he said,
I am sorry if you don't care to know me.Her gaze was glistening, but at this point she managed to swallow her tears. Ibis could understand that the relationship her parents had wasn't a one-way street. That it didn't work because of issues between the two of them and not because Terance - or Seabreeze - had made a single decision to wreck it. But to hear her father's words now, it just didn't sound right.
To know you?She peeped, her words shaking.
I want to know you, dad! That's the whole point. I --her voice hitched again with emotion, glassy eyes beginning to drip.
I just said so! I came here to -- you can't just say that, that's not fair!How dare he lie like that! How dare he claim she didn't want to know her own father; why else would she have come to the Hollow? Ibis sniffled and tried to calm herself so she could speak, but couldn't. She recoiled from her father instead and shook her head.
You're not listening to me. I love you dad and I want you in my life, but right now -- maybe, m-maybe its not possible.
Going on the road would be easier than facing him. She wanted to be present for her family since it had grown, but this conversation was making it hard for her. In Ibis' inexperienced mind she was the unwanted. Her father had a new batch to love and raise — to get to know — and the girl felt her heart break.
We'll come to visit sometime,she voiced, but there wasn't much power to the promise.
And, an afterthought as she began to slip away with her dainty, hasty steps:
I'm sorry --She just couldn't talk to him, she didn't know how without feeling her throat constrict with emotion. So Ibis did what came naturally, as she wasn't a fighter: she fled.
RE: I'm not gonna try and change your mind. - Terance - May 31, 2019
she had just said mistake. mistake. he hadn’t minced a single word she’d said... terance was frustrated, growing tenser by the second as he was unable to express himself properly and unable to communicate with his daughter by extension. she blew up, all at once, expressing a grievance that terance merely crumbled emotionally beneath.
you called it a mistake,he murmured beneath her louder frustrations, probably drown out as he lost all drive to argue anymore with her.
and then she turned to go, and terance worked up enough effort to call after her,
i love you — be safe, please,but he didn’t find it within him to chase after her. he’d only make it worse.
terance hung around for a second, watching her as she went. finally, looking drained, he decided he needed to take a walk. if the racket hadn’t woken @Treason and the pups up, he woofed into the den that breakfast was there and left the scene to go elsewhere. he didn’t know where yet. not far, he knew that much.