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+--- Thread: Swiftcurrent Creek I'll stay awake 'cause the dark's not taking prisoners tonight (/showthread.php?tid=35505)
I'll stay awake 'cause the dark's not taking prisoners tonight - RIP Kavik - July 03, 2019
It was well past high noon when Kavik made it back into the territory from his most recent search. He had, again, found no sign of Helios or Zephyr, and calling the search off while still empty handed had put him in quite the sullen mood. He made his way to one of caches to pull out some food for Rosalie but stopped when he came to edge of the rushing creek. He suddenly felt incredibly exhausted, so he took a seat next to the water, a heavy sigh moving from his chest as he looked out over the stream. It was rare for him to ever take a break, but he found himself overcome with despair and just needed a minute before he continued with his usual duties.
RE: I'll stay awake 'cause the dark's not taking prisoners tonight - RIP Polaris - July 04, 2019
post might a be a bit weird but i'm trying to use denial as a way to keep it vague bc i don't know exactly how much lainie will have told her.
she...no, she...? she, what? she didn't know. didn't know. did not know. what to do? what to think? what to feel? she didn't know! so, so she didn't. didn't know so didn't think, worked best right?
it's just, well her mind had gone into full on denial. could you blame it? who wouldn't after hearing something like that. it just refused to believe it was true, kept reassuring her that lainie was always a little dramatic and was probably over exaggerating. but the truth was, she knew well her sister wouldn't lie to her and under the hurt and confusion that had knitted together to form this thick wall of denial, she knew it was true. but she simply was not ready to take that on yet, because it had felt like the ground under her paws was swaying with how she'd felt just yesterday before the...revelation. and now? that seemed like nothing compared to now, that seemed like nothing more than an irritable drizzle compared to the storm that raged through her now. she couldn't stand this. which is why she still refused to actually think of what she'd been told because even though she felt it, right now she still couldn't think it. couldn't try pick it apart, just couldn't, couldn't, COULDN'T!
she shook like a little leaf, paws working away at the grass as she tried to bite back little whimpers. for once not wanting someone to come find her, which in itself was incredibly odd because polaris liked nothing more than the soothing words and touches of parents and sibings. but what if they asked....no.
but then she spotted papa, and she loved papa more than anything. for a little bit she just watched as he sat staring at the water, he looked...sad? she'd never seen papa look sad, despite everything he always was okay. she supposed she'd started to see him as invincible, perhaps he wasn't after all. it's a dull form of shock compared to everything else she's been through so its much easier to accept than it might've been only days previous.
swallowing, the little girl would pick her way tentatively towards his comforting form before reaching his side. "papa" she'd whisper, leaning her small body against his side and seeking comfort in his steady frame. it was all too much so with that she'd turn and bury her face into his fur and promptly start crying. so much for not wanting to be reassured.
RE: I'll stay awake 'cause the dark's not taking prisoners tonight - RIP Kavik - July 05, 2019
He scented his daughter just before she reached him, and he turned as she spoke, the one word heavy with so much emotion that he couldn't even bring himself to inquire why she was all by herself. She buried her face in his fur, and the tears that followed broke him even more than he already was. He wanted to fix it--was sure he do just about anything to be able to do that for her, but it was impossible, no matter how much he wished for it. Soter and Morena were young enough to be protected from the world, but she was too old for that now; she was beginning to understand too much about how hard things could be, and there was nothing he could do to shield her from it.
So, he did the only thing he could do and lowered his head down to nuzzle her, attempting to comfort her. He wanted to say something, but he couldn't think of anything that sounded right. So, instead, he just offered her his presence and affection, hoping it would be enough to quiet her tears.
RE: I'll stay awake 'cause the dark's not taking prisoners tonight - RIP Polaris - July 19, 2019
he didn't disappoint, using his simple presence and 'papa-ness' to comfort her in the way only a parent ever could. nuzzling her face deeper into his thick fur she'd work on simply inhaling his scent, so familiar, so safe and sure enough the tears would gradually lose their intensity until all that remained were miserable little sniffles and the occasional hiccup. still, she didn't feel ready to return to the real world just yet and so for a while that was it- the two embracing in their shared sorrow while the world continued on around them- as oblivious and uncaring as ever. the river never ceased it's babbling while the trees continued to whisper to each other as little critters scuttered about doing their thing. but at that moment it was okay because she was in her papa-bubble where the only thing in the world was the two of them and he understood, he felt it too even if the rest of the world didn't care about their family's sorrow. he wants to be strong for her but in that moment polaris appreciates his sadness, something about catching even him so vulnerable makes her own feelings bearable. it's an almost startling relief to know that it was okay to feel this way- because if her parents did too that had to mean it was the right thing to feel, right?
eventually as her breathing regains it's normal pattern and the trembling comes to a gentle stop she detaches her face from the depths of his pelt, lifting her unique gaze to rest it upon his face. "it's okay" she finally murmurs quietly, speaking it aloud as a way to inform both herself and him that even if things weren't actually okay, right now it was okay. did that make sense? she frowns before pushing on; "being sad. it's..it's okay" her ears twitch uncertainly, testing the theory but not completely confident in what she was saying, not even really sure as to what she was trying to say. how did parents come up with such clever words? they were so hard! licking her lips nervously she glances back to the water, trying to get her brain in order but with little success. it wasn't easy to get a proper thought process going when it constantly screamed; 'why how where what...WHY WHY WHY?" everytime she so much as brushed off the subject of her brothers and she had grown scared of it. she didn't mind sad but she hated scared.
still she had given into the fear and simply avoided looking into it too much before it could spiral back to lainie, her stomach still twists guiltily over that whole conversation. she simply wanted to pretend it never happeened, it was the easiest thing. but.....she inhales shakily, drawing courage from the warm presence at her side. but she had to be brave didn't she? she had to face the fact that she'd been a jerk to her sister and face...somehow face what she'd been told. but before she could face it she had to actually know what she'd been told because although she was pretty aware that it was bad, very, very bad. she didn't understand it truly and whenever she tried to work it out she just sees the horrified look in the other girl's eyes and flinches away from it altogether. but papa makes her feel stronger and asking had to be easier than trying to work it out by herself right?
her paws work themselves idly into the soft earth beneath her, eyes faraway as she swallows and finally murmurs in what's almost a whisper; "papa...what...what is dead?" she frowns, unable to meet his gaze, focusing now with a dull pang of surprise on the dirt covering her paws from the subconcious digging. shaking a paw she adds tentatively; "we eat...dead? the food it's..." her teeth grit then, annoyed at her inability to express what she didn't understand. she wasn't a baby anymore so why was she speaking like one? so she simply gives up, studying the disrupted ground beneath her like the secrets of the world lay there although her ears always remained tilted in his direction; nervously awaiting the truth.
eventually as her breathing regains it's normal pattern and the trembling comes to a gentle stop she detaches her face from the depths of his pelt, lifting her unique gaze to rest it upon his face. "it's okay" she finally murmurs quietly, speaking it aloud as a way to inform both herself and him that even if things weren't actually okay, right now it was okay. did that make sense? she frowns before pushing on; "being sad. it's..it's okay" her ears twitch uncertainly, testing the theory but not completely confident in what she was saying, not even really sure as to what she was trying to say. how did parents come up with such clever words? they were so hard! licking her lips nervously she glances back to the water, trying to get her brain in order but with little success. it wasn't easy to get a proper thought process going when it constantly screamed; 'why how where what...WHY WHY WHY?" everytime she so much as brushed off the subject of her brothers and she had grown scared of it. she didn't mind sad but she hated scared.
still she had given into the fear and simply avoided looking into it too much before it could spiral back to lainie, her stomach still twists guiltily over that whole conversation. she simply wanted to pretend it never happeened, it was the easiest thing. but.....she inhales shakily, drawing courage from the warm presence at her side. but she had to be brave didn't she? she had to face the fact that she'd been a jerk to her sister and face...somehow face what she'd been told. but before she could face it she had to actually know what she'd been told because although she was pretty aware that it was bad, very, very bad. she didn't understand it truly and whenever she tried to work it out she just sees the horrified look in the other girl's eyes and flinches away from it altogether. but papa makes her feel stronger and asking had to be easier than trying to work it out by herself right?
her paws work themselves idly into the soft earth beneath her, eyes faraway as she swallows and finally murmurs in what's almost a whisper; "papa...what...what is dead?" she frowns, unable to meet his gaze, focusing now with a dull pang of surprise on the dirt covering her paws from the subconcious digging. shaking a paw she adds tentatively; "we eat...dead? the food it's..." her teeth grit then, annoyed at her inability to express what she didn't understand. she wasn't a baby anymore so why was she speaking like one? so she simply gives up, studying the disrupted ground beneath her like the secrets of the world lay there although her ears always remained tilted in his direction; nervously awaiting the truth.
RE: I'll stay awake 'cause the dark's not taking prisoners tonight - RIP Kavik - July 29, 2019
She pressed against him, burying her face in his fur, and he rested his head on her back, embracing her for as long as she needed it, each sniffle and tremble tearing into his heart. He drew in her scent as well, letting it fill his lungs and soothe some of his own sadness. She was here and safe, and at least he could do something to help her. He felt so damn useless lately; he was unable to find his missing children, unable to save his murdered child, unable to reach into Zephyr's darkness and pull her out...so to be able to help his daughter right now made him feel like maybe he wasn't a complete failure. He tightened around her, his heart gripped painfully by his love for her and all of his children. He had never felt such a deep and terrifying love before he became a parent.
Her tears finally stopped, and her breathing grew more normal. When he felt her pull away, Kavik opened his eyes and looked down at her, concern in his gaze. His brow creased some at her first words but smoothed out when she continued.
Yes, it is,he rumbled softly, nodding once. She had every reason to feel sad right now. As much as it killed him to think about how he couldn't keep this from affecting her, he would never want to make her think her feelings were wrong or unsupported.
And, you can always come to me when you feel sad or anything else.Even when she was an adult, he hoped she would still come to him for comfort.
He watched her closely when she fell silent again, following her gaze to the water. He could see her wheels turning. She was processing something, that much he could tell. She was turning something over in her mind and trying to make sense of it. He knew because he often handled things the same way.
He wasn't at all prepared for her question; it was a conversation he didn't wish to have with her while she was still so young, but he couldn't lie to her or vaguely brush off the subject, not if he wanted her to come to him with things in the future, and not if he wanted her to continue to feel like her emotions were valid. She spoke again, pulling him from his inner conflict, and he nodded.
Yes, what we eat is dead,he began, watching her even though her gaze was still firmly on her tiny, dirt-speckled paws. How could he explain death in a way she could understand? It was such a complex subject.
When something is dead...it's body is still here but it's soul and awareness are no longer here.Kavik had no idea if that made sense. Images of his deceased daughter flashed into his mind, then, filling him with despair, but he continued, wanting to make sure she understood.
When someone dies, they can never go back to being alive, and if they're someone we care about, it's very sad, and there isn't much we can do about it except be sad and try to continue on.He paused, wanting to give her the chance to process what he said and ask questions if she had any. He wondered how she even came to be thinking about this but waited to ask, since he didn't want to overwhelm her. Neither he nor her mothers would have told her about what Zephyr had done or even that one of her younger siblings had died. Maybe she had overheard them talking about it. He was usually very careful to make sure none of the children were around when he spoke of such things, and he hadn't done much talking about it lately, honestly, preferring to deal with things by occupying himself with his alpha responsibilities and searching for Helios and Zephyr. He supposed it could be possible, though. Regardless, he didn't want her feeling confused about any of it and would help her work it out to the best of his ability.
RE: I'll stay awake 'cause the dark's not taking prisoners tonight - RIP Polaris - August 05, 2019
the smallest of smiles graces her features as he agrees that it is okay, being sad it's- well it's as much an emotion as happiness. it was there to be felt, maybe they shouldn't fear it quite so much. shame she hadn't been such a wise and thoughtful adult when running away from poor lainie. the smile fades as she bites at her lip, guilt continuing to writhe in her gut like an angry snake as she thought of the distraught look in the darker girl's eyes as she'd left her....all alone. she swallows, making a mental note to make sure she finds lainie as soon as possible and apologises. they needed to support each other, she was no better than her brothers.../well helios anyway, it seemed she would always be better than zephyr in that sense now/ if she just abandoned her sister at such a time. she didn't actually want to either, she'd just been in shock but it wasn't a good enough excuse. she knew that now, papa would never run away from her if something upset him. she just had to be braver.
she bobs her head in a little nod in response to his promise that she could always come to him should she need to. she offers a little nuzzle of gratitude at that; she loved him so much. one day, one day she'd be big and strong like him she just knew it! big eyes gaze adoringly up at him; she loved mamas too but it was him she wanted to be like the most, he was just so brave and kind. she wanted to make other wolves feel as safe and happy around her as she did around him.
as they approach the topic once more, her features fall back into a solemn state. swallowing nervously she blinks furiously at the ground in an effort to keep her eyes dry; she would not cry. no matter what she was told next, despite her thoughts on accepting sadness there was still something that seemed weak about crying. when possible she wanted to avoid it, even when the adults seemed sad they hardly ever cried; she wanted to be like them! her breaths are shaky as she struggles to keep them calm despite the flutterings of her little heart; pushing anxiously at her chest like a caged bird. maybe she could just dart off into the trees before he could answer; continue the treacherous but painfully easier route of denial. it was one thing to hear lainie say it but if papa said it...papa would never make a mistake. yet she grits pearly teeth in as much determination as she could muster; she wasn't going to run away again! so with the bravery most would conjure up to fight a bear, polaris awaited his answer.
when he finishes she lets out a breath she hadn't even been aware of holding. the birds still sung their merry songs, the creek continued to babble away and the trees whispered to each other in warm, gentle breezes. she was actually a bit more confused than she'd expected to be, having thought it'd make perfect sense right away. for a long time she's silent; frown creasing her features as she tries to work it out. eventually she simply murmurs quietly; "so it's a bit like sleeping? but...you never wake up?" it was the easiest way to imagine it, she could never remember sleeping- only closing her eyes and then waking again. but dead means you only do the closing your eyes part- never the waking. there's something darkly terrifying about that and her breath hitches slightly. yet strangely, she doesn't feel a want to cry despite the chill to have come over her.
fixing her big eyes right on him now, she swallows and lands the final question, already suspecting the answer but needing it confirmed anyway; "so to kill...is that to..make something dead?"
she bobs her head in a little nod in response to his promise that she could always come to him should she need to. she offers a little nuzzle of gratitude at that; she loved him so much. one day, one day she'd be big and strong like him she just knew it! big eyes gaze adoringly up at him; she loved mamas too but it was him she wanted to be like the most, he was just so brave and kind. she wanted to make other wolves feel as safe and happy around her as she did around him.
as they approach the topic once more, her features fall back into a solemn state. swallowing nervously she blinks furiously at the ground in an effort to keep her eyes dry; she would not cry. no matter what she was told next, despite her thoughts on accepting sadness there was still something that seemed weak about crying. when possible she wanted to avoid it, even when the adults seemed sad they hardly ever cried; she wanted to be like them! her breaths are shaky as she struggles to keep them calm despite the flutterings of her little heart; pushing anxiously at her chest like a caged bird. maybe she could just dart off into the trees before he could answer; continue the treacherous but painfully easier route of denial. it was one thing to hear lainie say it but if papa said it...papa would never make a mistake. yet she grits pearly teeth in as much determination as she could muster; she wasn't going to run away again! so with the bravery most would conjure up to fight a bear, polaris awaited his answer.
when he finishes she lets out a breath she hadn't even been aware of holding. the birds still sung their merry songs, the creek continued to babble away and the trees whispered to each other in warm, gentle breezes. she was actually a bit more confused than she'd expected to be, having thought it'd make perfect sense right away. for a long time she's silent; frown creasing her features as she tries to work it out. eventually she simply murmurs quietly; "so it's a bit like sleeping? but...you never wake up?" it was the easiest way to imagine it, she could never remember sleeping- only closing her eyes and then waking again. but dead means you only do the closing your eyes part- never the waking. there's something darkly terrifying about that and her breath hitches slightly. yet strangely, she doesn't feel a want to cry despite the chill to have come over her.
fixing her big eyes right on him now, she swallows and lands the final question, already suspecting the answer but needing it confirmed anyway; "so to kill...is that to..make something dead?"
RE: I'll stay awake 'cause the dark's not taking prisoners tonight - RIP Kavik - August 13, 2019
Even as his own questions formed in his mind about why she was suddenly so interested in the topic of death, he remained silent, studying her face as she processed what he had told her. As he often did when answering his children's questions, he wondered if he had explained it well enough for them to understand. This being a parent thing was new to him, and he wasn't always sure how best to go about things. Usually, he just went with his instincts, and he hoped that they hadn't failed him now.
Finally she spoke, and he nodded.
Yes, that's a good way to describe it.Already, she was so intelligent and intellectual. He often marveled at how different all of his children were while still all possessing some part of his or their mothers' personality. Like Helios, Polaris seemed always interested in the why of things, and he was happy to answer their questions. He did, however, wish that the subject of her current scrutiny was perhaps something not so morbid, but he supposed she was bound to be curious about death eventually.
Her next question had him twisting his mouth a little in thought before nodding again.
Yes, when you kill something, it dies,he answered, eyebrows drawing together some. His own questions bubbled to the surface again, and he studied her face.
Sweetheart,he started, his voice gentle.
What has you thinking about death?There was nothing accusatory or disapproving about his voice as he spoke, only a concerned curiosity hugged his words. His intent was definitely not to discourage her curiosity about the world or make her feel like she couldn't ask him things when she needed more information, but he wanted to make sure there was nothing more to this or that there wasn't a packmate he needed to speak with.