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Big Salmon Lake fist full of restrictions - Printable Version

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fist full of restrictions - Rivet - August 30, 2013

for turquoise - midday

i kissed a girl and i liked it
the taste of her cherry chapstick
i kissed a girl just to try it
it felt so wrong
it felt so right
[size=3]i kissed a girl and i liked it[/size]

Something was wrong but she couldn’t quite put her paw on it. It had been a few days since she’d last seen her lover. This wasn’t like her to just up and take off without at least shouting at Rivet that she was angry at her for something or another. Rivet was quite upset with this seemingly random turn of events, especially since she didn’t know what, exactly, it was that she’d done this time to apparently piss off her lover. The first night Turquoise didn’t come home, Rivet slept only lightly. But when the second and third nights came with still no sign of her lover, the ebon female didn’t sleep at all.

Having not slept for a couple of nights, Rivet felt like a walking zombie or something, and it was making her a little cranky. She had searched every inch of the pack territory during the last two days but had found neither hide nor hair of her Turquoise. Unable to locate her within the pack territory, Rivet finally decided to begin her search outside the territory.

Leaving the pack territory, she searched the areas nearest surrounding the Forest. By midday, she was exhausted. Spotting the Lake, Rivet moved to the edge and leaned her head down to drink from it. After drinking what she wanted, she moved under a tree and flopped down, dropping her head on her paws. She was upset and tired. What the hell had happened to her girlfriend?!




RE: fist full of restrictions - Turquoise - August 30, 2013

I'm really stressy at the moment, so I apologize if this post is kinda weird.

When she finally forced herself to step back over the pack's boundary line and seek out Rivet, she found their rendezvous site deserted. With her heart thumping wildly in her chest, Turquoise put her nose to the ground and began to track her lover's footsteps through the forest. To her surprise, they led her back beyond the borders, toward the lake southeast of Neverwinter's realm. As she followed Rivet's scent trail, Turq felt her breath hitch in her throat every so often as anxiety wrung the air from her lungs. She dreaded facing the DeMonte after what she'd done—not only for betraying her but for disappearing without a word, which was even worse in a way.

When Turquoise spotted Rivet sprawled beneath a tree near the lakeshore, she bit her lip and paused, trying to gauge her partner's mood from afar. She just looked worn out. A fresh wave of guilt swept through Turq. Why do you suck so bad? she her inner voice barked. Get on with it, it added and she lifted her stockinged feet and dragged her sorry carcass toward the sleepy-looking Rivet.

"Rivet," she said, unable to use pet names like my love or even Riv. She didn't feel like she deserved the privilege right now. "I'm sorry I went MIA. I am—I was—just... confused about something. I met this other girl in the pack and—well, nothing happened!" This critical information exploded out of her with a ragged gasp of air. "But we flirted and I—I liked it, I guess. I felt—feel—really... bad." She stopped there, her ears folding guiltily backward. She found she couldn't even look at Rivet, so she just stared at her own feet.


RE: fist full of restrictions - Rivet - August 30, 2013

*big hugs* ILU <3 Rambly post is rambly... with nothing to say :/

i don’t wanna be without you, babe
i don’t want a broken heart
don’t wanna take a breath without you, babe
i don’t wanna play that part
i know that i love you, but let me just say
i don’t wanna love you in no kind of way
[size=3]i don’t want a broken heart[/size]

She was tired, beyond tired, and distressed that she couldn’t seem to locate her missing lover. It was clearly taking a toll on the darkly colored female. All she could think of was that she’d managed to end up doing or saying something wrong and that Turquoise had finally left her for good. But she’d thought things had been going fairly alright. They hadn’t really fought in a few days since they’d joined the pack, but apparently Rivet had been wrong or something. How could she not think like that? Turquoise had left her once, after all. What was to keep her from doing it again?

If it weren’t for the fact that she was as distraught as she was, Rivet very well might have fallen asleep right where she was. But her emotions were running far too strong for sleep to overtake her. This was probably for the best, though, considering that she wasn’t within the pack borders. She was considering getting up to resume her searching when the sound of her name came to her. The first thing she took notice of was that it was her full first name and not one of the pet names Turquoise usually used. Something was clearly wrong.

Lifting her head from her paws, she turned her head toward her lover with her own ears flattened against her head. Before she could say anything, though, Turquoise continued speaking. If Rivet’s ears weren’t already pinned against her head, they sure would be now. The more Turquoise spoke, the sicker to her stomach the dark female was feeling. But it was when her lover spoke of having liked flirting with some other female that Rivet lost it. She didn’t throw up, even though that’s what she felt like doing, nor did she get angry. Instead, tears began to roll down her cheeks.

She was speechless. Rivet couldn’t find a single word to say. Turning her head away, she just laid there, letting the tears roll down her cheeks, dripping onto her ebon paws.




RE: fist full of restrictions - Turquoise - August 30, 2013

*dabs Rivet's tears with a tissue*

Rivet said nothing. She started to cry, the sight of which stabbed Turquoise right through the heart. Her head fell. She felt like crying herself. Yet Turq wouldn't give in to tears. Instead, she wracked her mind for something to do, something to say, to make this right. She felt like she'd put her foot in her mouth, just blurting it out like that. She'd been honest, though; didn't that count for something? She winced, unsure.

"Rivet..." she said softly after a moment. "Please don't cry. I love you. I wouldn't feel so horrible if I didn't love you so much." Her lower lip quivered. "I just suck at self-control. I suck and I don't deserve you. Maybe we should break up." For once, it wasn't something she said angrily or impulsively. It was something she'd thought about a lot in her days away. Maybe it would be kindest to cut Rivet loose, to save her from the pain of being paired with a lover who couldn't control her temper or her libido.


RE: fist full of restrictions - Rivet - August 31, 2013

i don’t wanna be without you, babe
i don’t want a broken heart
don’t wanna take a breath without you, babe
i don’t wanna play that part
i know that i love you, but let me just say
i don’t wanna love you in no kind of way
[size=3]i don’t want a broken heart[/size]

She was hurt and feeling quite confused. It hadn’t been all that long ago that Turquoise had said she loved her (Rivet). So why was this happening now? Rivet actually flinched, slightly, at hearing those three words right then but it could easily have looked like a soft sob had flittered through her body. It was like her whole world was suddenly crashing down around her. This was even worse than when Turquoise had shouted at her that she needed space and had left her for those several days that they’d basically been broken up. This feeling that she was feeling… there were no words to even come close to how she was feeling. It hurt. So much it hurt.

It was Turquoise’s last sentence that caused her to finally turn her head, turn her gaze toward the woman she loved so much. “Is that what you want…?” she asked. Her voice was no louder than a mere whisper, afraid to speak any louder because she knew that her voice would break. “You say you love me and then suggest we should break up?” Rivet’s heart was breaking into many little pieces and it was not a good feeling at all. Her whole world revolved around the other female. The thought of even trying to be without Turquoise made her want to curl up and die. “Do you know…” Her voice cracked. “Do you know that I love you more than life itself? That without you, I am nothing… have nothing…” Did Turquoise really want them to break up?




RE: fist full of restrictions - Turquoise - September 02, 2013

Rivet asked her if she wanted to break off the relationship. She opened her mouth to answer, yet before she could, Rivet asked another question. Turquoise shook her head as if trying to shake off an annoying bee buzzing in her ear. "Isn't there a saying," she said, "like, 'if you love something, set it free'? Of course I don't want to break up with you, Rivet, but... for once, I guess... I'm actually thinking of you first. I don't want to keep hurting you. I hate it."

Rivet's voice cracked and Turquoise could see that she would break down any moment. "Riv..." she said without thinking. "That just isn't true. You're beautiful, kind, smart, wonderful; you're everything." Turq's lips pursed. "Please don't beat yourself up because of this, because of me. I hate seeing you hurt yourself just as much as I hate seeing myself hurt you."

Turquoise lapsed into silence then, her gemstone eyes sparkling with unshed tears she refused to let brim. She tried to figure out what to say next, how to explain herself to Rivet. It didn't help that Turq didn't really understand what was going on herself. She did sense one thing: there was so much more to this issue than Turq's rather minor altercation with Daenarys. There was some bigger picture at play here...

"Love isn't a finite resource." It just sprang off her tongue, unbidden. "I think... I think..." The tawny Sigma trailed off for a second, trying to gather her wild thoughts together. "I can—and do—love you with every fiber of my being... and still want to talk to other girls." She said this in a very small voice, as if ashamed. Her black-rimmed ears flattened. "Like, polyamory, or whatever? I just know those... those aren't the terms we agreed on for our relationship." Although it took some strength, she found Rivet's eyes and held them, hers filled with guilt and sadness and love all at once.


RE: fist full of restrictions - Rivet - September 06, 2013

i don’t wanna be without you, babe
i don’t want a broken heart
don’t wanna take a breath without you, babe
i don’t wanna play that part
i know that i love you, but let me just say
i don’t wanna love you in no kind of way
[size=3]i don’t want a broken heart[/size]

“There is a difference between talking to other girls and flirting with other girls,” was the first thing that rolled out of her mouth because she had fallen completely silent until Turquoise had finished speaking. “I don’t care, and never have cared, that you talk to other girls. But flirting with them… that’s crossing a line that shouldn’t be crossed. Doesn’t matter if anything happened or not.” Her heart was aching at the mere thought of even remotely sharing her girlfriend with someone else, especially because Rivet, herself, didn’t want anyone else in any type of way.

Mismatched eyes shifted away from the woman she was so very much in love with as her tears continued to drip down her cheeks. “Am I not enough for you?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper. If Turquoise really did want to break up with her, Rivet wasn’t sure that she could convince her otherwise. In that moment, Rivet actually found herself wishing that she was back home with her family in Firefly Forest. And yet, on the other hand, meeting and falling in love with Turquoise had been the greatest moment in her young life. “I don’t want to lose you…” she whimpered.




RE: fist full of restrictions - Turquoise - September 06, 2013

When Rivet spoke, Turquoise realized that she had not understood what she meant. She felt immensely guilty over the misapprehension, though there was part of her that also felt resentful at the concept of being unallowed to do what she wanted. That was exactly why she was questioning everything and Turq knew she had to make Rivet understand, as painful as it might be for her to hear.

Rivet's pleading question made Turquoise's lips part to answer her, to reassure her, then they pinched shut when she realized that doing so would conflict with what she needed to say. She swallowed thickly, uncertain of where to start. Rivet's whimpers and tears made everything all the more wrenching.

"That's the thing, Riv," she said softly. She tried to hold the DeMonte's gaze but shame caused her eyes to drop to her black toes. "I don't just want to talk to them. I want to flirt with them." She sucked in a deep breath. "I love you. I truly do. I just don't think I'm cut out for a monogamous relationship. That's why I think it might be best to let you go."

Turquoise let those words hang in between them a moment before trying to explain. "I don't think we're meeting one another's needs. I've come to realize that I want to be wild, free, unchained. You want something much steadier and committed. There's nothing wrong with either one of those. They're just... incompatible. Trying to stick it out will only hurt both of us and make us unhappy." She paused and plunged ahead. "I think it's already been making me unhappy and I take it out on you by being totally shitty, which is... well, shitty."

She sucked in her lower lip and finally peeked upward at Rivet, trying to gauge the expression on her face and waiting to hear what Rivet had to say to all of this. The only other thing she added was, "I don't want to betray you. I want to let you go before I really hurt you, Rivet."


RE: fist full of restrictions - Rivet - September 06, 2013

definitely didn't see that coming :'( my post is pretty open ended. you can do with it whatever turquoise would do. i'll wait to make any other post anywhere else until you reply

i don’t wanna be without you, babe
i don’t want a broken heart
don’t wanna take a breath without you, babe
i don’t wanna play that part
i know that i love you, but let me just say
i don’t wanna love you in no kind of way
[size=3]i don’t want a broken heart[/size]

Her entire world was suddenly being ripped right out from under her. She felt like she couldn’t breathe and, quite honestly, just wanted to die in that moment. She couldn’t help but feel like everything had been all a lie to this point. “Shut it…” she heard herself hiss between grit teeth when Turquoise spoke of loving her, yet it didn’t sound like her to herself. “You selfish bitch… you have always been a selfish bitch, and always will be. You don’t know what love is, so don’t you dare claim to love me. If you loved me, you wouldn’t be doing this shit.”

Rivet shoved herself to her paws, completely avoiding any eye contact with her former girlfriend. “Don’t bother trying to crawl back to me again because I won’t be there. I won’t be anywhere…” Not sticking around to give Turquoise a chance to ask what she meant by that, Rivet pushed off, letting her legs carry her as far away from the woman her entire life revolved around. She didn’t look back, wouldn’t look back. Tears streamed down her face as she ran, blurring her vision, but she didn’t care. She didn’t stop, wasn’t going to stop, uncaring of where she went or even if she died at that point…




RE: fist full of restrictions - Turquoise - September 06, 2013

I power-played! I hope that's cool.

The vehemence of Rivet's reaction threw Turquoise for a loop. She had seen the DeMonte's fiery side—but never before had she unleashed it on Turq. She'd never been anything but supplicant with the tawny Blackthorn. Hearing her cuss left and right, hurling personal insults, took Turq's breath away and not in a good way.

Rivet turned and began to run away. Turquoise stood rooted to the spot, staring after her, Rivet's insults still ringing in her ears. Then, suddenly, she was running after the little DeMonte. Because Turq was much taller and her stride much longer, she overtook the black sylph rather easily. She didn't think that anything short of assault would stop Rivet, so Turq didn't bother shouting. Instead, she lunged for Rivet's scruff, taking it firmly but gently in her teeth, effectively halting Rivet in her tracks.

"Wait a goddamn minute. What would you have me do, Rivet Sarasvati DeMonte?" Turquoise demanded breathlessly. "I am selfish. You deserve better. That's why I'm letting you go—because you are too good for me!" she nearly bellowed. "But clearly I'm still doing something wrong. What would you have me do?" It almost sounded like a passive/aggressive or facetious question. Yet Turquoise looked to Rivet earnestly, wondering if there was any way to make any of this right, or if she'd just fucked things up beyond all recognition and repair.


RE: fist full of restrictions - Rivet - September 06, 2013

totally fine with me :)

i don’t wanna be without you, babe
i don’t want a broken heart
don’t wanna take a breath without you, babe
i don’t wanna play that part
i know that i love you, but let me just say
i don’t wanna love you in no kind of way
[size=3]i don’t want a broken heart[/size]

Having never unleashed her fury at Turquoise before, it truly felt wrong to Rivet to be doing so now, but she was hurting. She was hurting so much more than she ever had before and when she was hurting, the only thing she could think to do was lash out at the one hurting her. In this case, it just happened to be the female that Rivet’s entirely world revolved around. Now that she’d lashed out at Turquoise with hateful and hurtful words, the smaller female wanted nothing more than to just get away… away from the pack territory and away from Turquoise. She didn’t care where she ended up, to be honest. She just wanted… needed… to just get as far away as possible.

But she didn’t get to get very far before she was suddenly in jaws of the female she was trying to run away from. The suddenness of her scruff being grabbed caused a nasty snarl to rip from the smaller of the two. Although she wanted to struggle, to rip herself away, she knew it was futile since she was very much the smaller of the two. “If you’re so hell bent on letting me go, then why the fuck are you stopping me?” she spat out through grit teeth.

As her fury raged through her, the smaller female’s body quivered, though only part of that was because of her raging fury. Tears continued to roll down her cheeks. “You give me no choice in this, saying you’re letting me go but yet stop me when I’m trying to go? Why? Why bother stopping me?” Is it maybe because of the current frame of mind Rivet is in? Is it maybe because she doesn’t care in that moment if she lives or dies?

Emitting a frustrated growl, she jerked herself forward, yanking her scruff from Turquoise, but instead of running again, she wheeled around to glare at the larger female. Fury and hurt burned in her watery eyes. “What does it matter what I want, Turquoise? You’ve clearly already made up your mind. It’s always only ever been about what you want. You wanted to join the pack and I went along with it. Every time you want something, I go along with it whether I want to or not. Do you know why? Because I actually do love you. More than you obviously realize.”




RE: fist full of restrictions - Turquoise - September 07, 2013

Turquoise didn't know the answer to Rivet's question. Besides, it sounded somehow rhetorical to her ears. Her lips pursed, yet she said nothing, watching Rivet's little body quiver with building rage. Again, Rivet demanded to know why Turq had stopped her. A putrid mix of emotions roiled in the Gunner's gut.

"Because I'm confused and I love you and I want to let you go for your own good but it's hard!" she blurted. "I want to keep you, I just don't think it's the best thing for you. You question me, you don't believe me, but it's true: I fucking love you, okay? This isn't easy for me, either." Turquoise regretted those words the instant they left her mouth, as she knew they trivialized Rivet's position. "I know it's worse for you, though," she added lamely.

Rivet gave her a verbal lashing, pointing out Turquoise's selfishness. "I know!" she shouted in response to Rivet's every bulleted point. "I suck!" She was frustrated, though only with herself. "You're absolutely right. Don't you think you deserve better...?" she wanted to know. "I'm a total shitbag girlfriend. I realize that now. That's why I'm trying to let you go, not because I actually want to do it but because I'm not being a total selfish bitch for once in my fucking life!"

After these words ripped loose from her tongue, Turquoise stood there in silence, breathing a little harder than usual. She collected her thoughts, then added more levelly, "But what would you have me do? Forget everything I've said today. Take me as I am, right here and right now, with my temper and my selfishness and all my other imperfections. I'm leaving the decision of our future entirely up to you, Rivet. Where would you like to go from here? I will do whatever you say, no matter what it is."


RE: fist full of restrictions - Rivet - September 07, 2013

Hmm... not the reply from Rivet I expected, honestly. And yet... it doesn't really surprise me either o.O

i don’t wanna be without you, babe
i don’t want a broken heart
don’t wanna take a breath without you, babe
i don’t wanna play that part
i know that i love you, but let me just say
i don’t wanna love you in no kind of way
[size=3]i don’t want a broken heart[/size]

Although it sounded like a rhetorical question, it actually wasn’t. Rivet really did want to know why Turquoise was stopping her from just going. Much to Rivet’s dismay, Turquoise was able to, yet again, make it seem like it was all about her. The lamely added sentence didn’t make it any better, either. She was so hurt, so furious, and just wanted to go away, get away from all of this. Rivet didn’t care if she lived or died at that point in time because she really didn’t want to live without Turquoise.

Though her body quivered with a raging fury, a sigh actually escaped from her. “What do you think I’ve done all this time, Turquoise?” Letting her mismatched gaze directly met Turquoise’s, the smaller female stood her ground. “I have been taking you as you are all these months; your temper, your selfishness, and everything else. Even when you screamed at me that you needed your space and left me standing alone, I readily took you back, accepted that you have your temper tantrums. That is part of loving someone,” she informed the other female. Her voice sounded a whole lot calmer than she actually felt.

“I mean it when I say I don’t want to live without you, Turquoise,” she began, slowly lowering her gaze toward the ground at her own paws. “I just… really don’t. You’re all I’ve got. You’re all I want.” It took some doing, but the smaller female managed to force herself to lift her gaze to meet Turquoise’s once more. “Have your flings, if you must. Flirt to your heart’s content. But come home to me at night. Just… don’t tell me about them because I don’t want to know…” Would that be compromise enough to satisfy Turquoise? Would it be enough to not be pushed away?




RE: fist full of restrictions - Turquoise - September 07, 2013

Turquoise listened silently, lips pursed, allowing Rivet her chance to continue yelling without any sort of reaction. She waited, her face expressionless, trying to look the part of a blank slate waiting to be assigned a purpose. She squared her jaw, mentally preparing for whatever Rivet decided. She might have to subvert some very strong impulses, yet Turq was nothing if not stubbornly determined.

Somehow, Rivet managed to undermine her own value. It pained Turquoise to see this so blatantly, yet she kept her lips locked. Rivet wasn't being fair to herself and it made Turquoise feel horrible. Yet if this was what Rivet wanted—at least, what she thought she wanted—then the Gunner would go along with it. The fact that Rivet was entirely letting her off the hook, both now and in the future, did not escape Turq's notice. It was all a part of the bigger picture which painted Rivet as the self-sacrificing one of the pair.

"And I meant what I said when I said I'd do whatever you wanted," Turquoise answered. "If that's what you really want, Rivet," she continued, staring into the DeMonte's eyes and pausing pointedly, "then I will come home to you and only you every night."

She said nothing of the potential flings, unable to find any words to address that highly complicated issue. If Rivet had forbidden her, she would've had to stick to her word. Yet Rivet had been too selfless to lay out that stipulation when given the chance. And she'd said she didn't want to know and that, starting now, she wanted to turn a blind eye to it. So Turquoise simply honored this request by not bringing it up at all.


RE: fist full of restrictions - Rivet - September 08, 2013

i don’t wanna be without you, babe
i don’t want a broken heart
don’t wanna take a breath without you, babe
i don’t wanna play that part
i know that i love you, but let me just say
i don’t wanna love you in no kind of way
[size=3]i don’t want a broken heart[/size]

If being able to keep Turquoise in her life meant having to share her with others of Turquoise’s choosing, then so be it. As long as Rivet was the one she came home to at night, and didn’t share any of the details (or even make mention of it), then this was how Rivet opted to go about her life. She would rather die than be without the female in front of her, even if it meant sinking to a new level that she’d never sank to before. Only time would be able to tell if she’d just made the biggest mistake of her life or not.

A gentle nod of her head was given when her lover spoke. “It is,” she responded, taking a hesitant step forward, bringing her a little closer to Turquoise. “You’re all I want, Turquoise. You’re all I’ve ever wanted. As long it’s me that you come home to at night, then do as you will. I love you. With every beat of my heart, I love you.” And she would adjust to the fact of knowing she was, from hence forth, sharing her lover with others. Rivet just really hoped that it would be enough to be able to keep Turquoise from setting her free.




RE: fist full of restrictions - Turquoise - September 08, 2013

When Rivet moved nearer and declared that Turquoise was all she ever wanted, the Gunner legitimately felt like the biggest bag of dicks on the planet. Is this really what you want...? she questioned silently, gazing into the sylph's face. She could see that it was, that Rivet would do anything just to keep Turq by her side. It was so unhealthy and the small part of Turq that was selfless and mature wanted to resist. Yet the larger part of her saw that she had the complete advantage here. She would get to keep Rivet and play on the side too.

Don't think like that, she scolded herself, keeping her focus on the small DeMonte. With a light sigh, Turq said, "Shall we go home then, love?" She did love the other woman, so she was happy to stay with her, even if she knew that this was all wrong on many different levels. She would get to have her cake and eat it too! "I'm going to do better by you," she promised vaguely, though Turq meant it.

Maybe, despite how it all looked, this would actually be good for not just for Turquoise but for Rivet too. Maybe it would be good for them, as a partnership. At least, that's what the tawny Gunner hoped as she slid her muzzle alongside Rivet's and then quietly gestured in the direction of home, her black paws already leading them there.


RE: fist full of restrictions - Rivet - September 08, 2013

You can either archive this, or reply one more time and then archive. <3

i don’t wanna be without you, babe
i don’t want a broken heart
don’t wanna take a breath without you, babe
i don’t wanna play that part
i know that i love you, but let me just say
i don’t wanna love you in no kind of way
[size=3]i don’t want a broken heart[/size]

Rivet already found herself hoping that she’d not just made a huge mistake, but she didn’t allow herself to dwell on that thought for very long, opting to shove it away as far as she could. A gentle nod was given to answer the silent question being asked of her. Rivet would do whatever she could in order to be able to stay with Turquoise, even if it was something that made her gut feel like twisting inside of her. She did wonder, though, what her family would think if they knew what she’d just done.

A small smile touched her muzzle at the vague promise being made to her by the woman she loved so very much. “Just love me, Turquoise…” she murmured, leaning into the gentle caress from her lover. “And never stop.” Because that was one of her absolute biggest fears at this point. Rivet fell into step beside her lover, wanting to go home with her and wanting even more to curl up with Turquoise’s larger frame wrapped around her. Having not slept in a couple of nights, Rivet was beyond exhausted.