hell she was tired. when she got back to easthollow she was going to sleep for like, two weeks straight, only stopping to eat. that sounded rather divine right now considering that the fiery ache burning within her paws was spreading deadly tendrils up the muscles of her legs to unfurl and cover the entirety of her being. a low huff rolled forth, mixing languidly with the warm, midday air. it was nice to see the stubborn clutches of winter finally beginning to relent to the sun's embrace, she'd began to genuinely wonder if she'd ever witness the lazy heat of summer again. 

however such thoughts are merely wispy clouds floating idly about her mind as sharp eyes pressed keenly into the territory that rolled away before her. she'd drank greedily at their borders, determined to catch a trace of her papa but it had been such an intricately woven mess of foreign scents that she'd finally given up. she wasn't sure why she hadn't howled yet. 

instead she just kept replaying the same memories over and over again like some broken record. trotting alongside him, keeping close for some shelter against the bitter chill...then the snarl of the mountain that she'd believed to have buried him alive. the sobbing, screaming his name only to give up and run, so far away. fast forward to the borders of easthollow, valette casually mentioning her papa, her dead papa, leading a pack- alive. finding out from zephyr that he now resided here but had...had made a new family while she'd mourned his death, had refused to even look for helios. as if they'd just been brushed aside. she swallowed against the lump forming in her throat. he had to still care about them right, her papa...so brave and sweet...she loved him, he had to love her too. the idea of him brushing her off like a stranger, gosh she almost swore it would sting worse than believing him gone. 

closing her eyes and breathing shallowy, she shook her head. that wasn't true, he'd done so much for them he deserved to be happy. they all did, right? as long as he was alive and happy, she'd deal with it. inhaling steadily, her gaze was calm when she opened her eyes again and tilted back her head to loose her song. would he recognise it and arrive here first? oh she hoped so. 

and so she waited, pacing restlessly as she gazed vigilantly at the vegetation; waiting for his large from to approach as her heart bet hard against her chest.

the wraith to drift forth at her summoning is certainly not the sable heft of her papa and she fights back the disappointment stirring in her chest. there are many possible reasons, he could be deeper in the territory or perhaps out hunting! or maybe busy with his new family, perhaps he does not care that his past is calling when his future stares back. her jaw grits as she works hard to ignore the hiss of that serpentine drawl. her weight shifts from paw to paw, unable to tame the impatience rolling from her as his steps seem to move him forth at an insufferable pace. 

when deep, doleful eyes press upon her, she suddenly wants to push him back far, far away from the borders. eyes sharpen dangerously, heart fluttering anxiously at the dejected spectre before her. her skin prickles and ears fall flat as the silence writhes between them. why is he staring at her like that? why does he look like that? why is he staring at her as if...no. no fucking NO. she wants to scream at him, tell him to stop that- spark some light in that gaze right now! wants to turn and run away, run far far away...so that those eyes could never drop unspoken tears upon her soul again. 

he speaks, and it is as if she can see the words floating across the air towards her. like seeing someone about to land the killing blow yet being helpless to stop it, forced to simply watch and wait for it to hit you. 

'i'm sorry'

her breath hitches as eyes grow comically wide at the uttering. she's not an idiot, it's clear as day what he's implying and yet...as she struggles against rolling nausea; hysteria offers up welcoming arms. so welcoming for, to fall into that treacherous embrace and be hugged tight is the only option to save her from the clamouring, screaming monsters of shadow building with terrifying vehemence in her skull. so as she blinks incredulously at this man, it is a sharp laugh that tears forth from bared teeth and she scoffs; voice too loud, too sharp. a blade outrunning the true monster holding tight to its handle. "why be sorry, nothing..nothing has happened!" yes that is right, yell it polaris, scream it. NOTHING has happened, if she tells the world that. demands that of the earth then surely, it will be true yes? yes, her posture relaxes somewhat.