her normal gait had dissolved into little above a stagger and she could almost sob her stark relief as the embracing scents of easthollow prowled and danced through the air to snag and reinforce the fading scent adorning her ruffled fur. she could quite confidently declare that she had never suffered exhaustion as potent as this, it having reached the horrid point of progressing past the depths of her bones and into her very mind so that she felt as if she were sluggishly deteriorating. could one die from being tired? it would appear that she was quite close to offering herself as a subject to test the theory. 

she swore she could hear the protestant whine of confused paws as they were denied the leisure of simply strolling into the verdant glimmer of taunting peace and rather brought to a hasty still on the edge of the border. "we're here" she announces, attempting to lilt her voice with enough mirth to assure that this was in fact a convivial event despite the sickening writhe to her tight stomach. glistening gaze falls upon the blackbird, the proximity to hearing the declaration of their fate quite suddenly enough to spike her misgivings into shrieking terror. what if they were turned away? what if valette, as affable as she was, found contempt towards the girl that had disappeared from her borders after only just returning without a mere word and then had the audacity to delcare she harbour another of her dejected family? her teeth clench hard against the tremble of her jaw, once again hearing the words of surya and aphrodite tickle at ears with fictional vehemence...
he's only a pup, he needs to be at home, he's being taken from his sister...

oh what if this is some grave mistake! what if grief had sank claws so deep that her stealing away of alsek had been for purely selfish reasons and she was about to doom them to a lonesome life of fruitless wandering. 

her eyelids fluttered shut, attempting a steadying breath. 

no. these hissing nerves would not turn her against herself. this was the right thing to do. she hadn't stolen alsek he'd chosen this himself and this was right, he deserved to grow up as more than the boy who's father died. he would grow up as alsek here and death wouldn't taunt and hum in his ear with every step. the matriarch would certainly understand her disappearance, she was not an unreasonable woman...surely she would give the girl another chance to prove she could fight the weight of pressing grief. 

blinking to alsek once more, a clement smile was offered as she murmured "you ready to meet the wolves here? i promise you they're very nice" please let them keep truth in that promise.

eyes guttered with surprise as he moved to wound himself through aching limbs, heart twisting with painful intensity as he settled. it was in some ways rather daunting, how much she'd come to fiercely care for the amiable blackbird in such a short amount of time. and yet should she be surprised? after all was it not the same for the wolves that resided within the protection of these very borders, or even more specifically west tyree? for it was already quite evident to her that the earthen boy was in fact her closest friend and she would not so much as hesitate to trust him wholeheartedly. maybe it wasn't just the passing of time that strengthened such bonds, surely experience was equally if not more important? it was after all, experiences that implanted memories into the mind of wolves and in turn shaped them into the characters that they were today. 

her head lowered to nuzzle the boy at his sagacious enquiry, the tilt to her lips rekindled to an ardent state as she drew back to nod. "yea i'm okay" she assured "i'm just tired i swear i'm more fun when my paws don't feel like they're about to fall off" and of course he had surely worked his own little charm because she did feel better, sure her heart still fluttered with restless uncertainty. dreading the idea of valette turning them away or @West Tyree blinking to her with disdain after her wordless abandonment, but it had lost some of its intensity as she drew away gently from alsek to stand tall against the frisky breeze. inhaling steadily, her chin tipped back to loose her call and seek @Valette.

the smile to have began tentatively stepping forth at the matriarch's arrival was quite quickly impeded by the woman's drawn features. it was, she supposed, simply not the valette that she had grown accustomed to beholding and therefore was perturbed by the enervated figure before them. brows knitting together, her own misgivings were promptly dropped as jaws loosened to ask was everything okay for it was not disdain that polaris was hit with, there was a weariness to the woman that polaris suspected went beyond the disappearance of a singular member. but the earth kissed wolf swoops in first and the words to slink free at the motion of her tongue seem to sweep the earth from under the startled girl as a strangled noise pierces the air. 

'cougar attack...cougar attack???' 

wide eyes tear haphazardly out across the verdant twinkle rolling out before her, as if she could see the scars upon the land and prepare herself for what she might be told next. easthollow, tranquil easthollow with its ethereal stones standing permanent sentry..how could they let this happen? ears slunk back against her head, paws buzzing with the same sickening energy she'd felt on the whitebark stream borders...the yearn to flee before the news could crash upon her being. what if something had happened to west?? and he would've...he'd think she'd abandoned him like she had papa before...her behind hit the earth hard as trembling limbs buckled her into a forced sit. 

was this punishment for stealing alsek away? had she been playing into the earth's wicked intentions this entire time? her need to protect him from the clutches of harrowing death resulting in it deciding to follow and toy with them? she could almost have loosed a sob at his little question posed to valette, wanting to screech at whoever thought it fair to shadow him so. 

she needs to talk, she has to...say something. her lips felt numb as she stirred her heavy tongue with a great deal of effort only to whisper with hoarse shock "cougar attack?" maybe no one had died, perhaps they had chased it off and it was a victory for the wolves of easthollow, a victory for the good. yet she could not shift the dread that had settled snugly in the depths of her bones, something very bad had happened here when she was gone.

casualties

she is vaguely aware of releasing a strangled gasp and yet it sounds so very distant, whisked away by this eddying, surreal haze. and all that she can think is; why on earth does death need another term? who the hell came along and decided 'i'm sick of saying dead and died, let's spice things up with a new word'. it sparks irrational anger within her and she is fueled with a desperate need to find this someone and scream at them for thinking themselves moxie enough to simply get bored of the term dead. how could you ever find such a calamitous event to be too tedious and in need of an upgrade? 

and so she spirals into this absurd rage, mentally declaring that nanook and kaito deserve to have the unfair robbery of their lives labeled correctly as dead. they are dead, not some casualty no they are DEAD. dead like papa, dead like that fledgeling she'd buried, as dead as the elk these wolves fed on to live. her chin trembled. their vessels obsolete, souls gone, forever. 

forever was a really, really long fucking time. 

mournful eyes pressed hard upon the lenient valette, a little bewildered by the mundane nature of her question. how is it that she remained so cordial in the face of such tragedy? and why is it that polaris felt as if it would take the mere push of a sprightly beeze to tear her apart and scatter dejected remains across the valley? shoulders sag as she blinks rapidly, trying hard to clear the twisting fog from her mind and blink upon alsek. poor kid, what did he see in this cowardly shell of misery that made him follow her so? "this is alsek, my..he's my brother"

she needs to say something, something about the attack, about their loss. shit she needs to say something about hers too and yet she just cannot, her mind sneers back as she attempts to rifle through for words...the right words, the kind of composed and shrewd things you were supposed to say.

but she..she failed, she couldn't. under the scrutiny of valette's curious look she crumpled, unable to hold onto that shriveling string of maturity that had guided her and alsek here. with him she'd been the closest thing to an adult but now, here, with the closest thing left she had to a parental figure...she was just a kid. 

in the end, she was not brave or blinding like the burning sun. 
she was meek and pained and terrified by the fragility of those you loved.

all she asked was; "does it get easier valette? losing someone, please tell me it gets easier than this."

eyes shine feverishly bright with the gleam of stirring tears as she nods quickly, at least one of those rigid knots within managing to loosen and slip free from her soul. so unwaveringly munificent to the girl, the world was not deserving of a soul like valette's and she wished there was a way to express just how grateful she was as the matriarch addressed little alsek. but word's failed, throat so tight that she might have panicked and convinced herself that the world was strangling her had she not grown bitterly accustomed to enduring such a feeling in the past month. but valette's words had dealt a tender stroke upon her aching heart, or specifically one word; 'family'. because the truth was, she wasn't alone and she was so damn lucky to have the wolves of easthollow to call family, and now alsek had too. they may not have the same blood humming within their veins but was that really what family was? was it not wolves that looked out for you, that had your back and cared for you? and was that not exactly what easthollow had become for her in these months?

she was not alone. 

jaded look lifts to linger on the assuaging gaze valette offers, holding tightly to it when the woman speaks. silent tears glimmer upon damp cheeks under the touch of the midday sun. such melancholic determination, each word tickles tauntingly at the fringes of trembling ears. can she do it? is she even half as strong as the unwavering figure before her, she wants so desperately to be but...wishing for something did not grant you it, not in the slightest. jaws grit, gaze finally departing to find the floor; focusing on the way each blade of grass stood so tall and proud, even after being tread on day after day. that's what you do to get by in this place, you accept that you will get knocked down again and again but each time, each time you get back up to stand tall if only for a little while. 

pain is pain, it's how you deal with it is what matters right?

inhaling shakily, she blinks rapidly to displace eddying mist tickling at her eyes before fixing them upon the woman. "thank you...valette, for everything. and i'm so sorry about your sister i-" teeth grit hard, sending a dull ache through her jaw. she needs to say it, she has to be strong enough to talk about him, for papa. he deserves to be spoken of, to be remembered, she must beat this pain, this weakness so that he can get at least that. swallowing, she'd whisper "my papa...he's dead" 

how can such a miniscule, simple four word sentence carry so much weight? strike a blow so hard to her soul that she feared she might physically stagger. eyes flutter shut as she continues breathlessly "i didn't go to see him when i was travelling with west tyree because i was angry at him because of what i found out...but when i got back here i decided it was foolish to be mad and so i went to see him but..i was just too late, that's why i was gone so long i..i couldn't bear to come back yet" ears lean against her head as eyes finally reopen, straining to focus upon the ground but she fought it with what strength remained in her weary mind. she would face this head on, and so she looked right into valette's steady gaze; murmuring "i'm sorry" in the end it was these tiny phrases that meant the most wasn't it? the little things in life, they were the things filled to the brim with the most potent.

how is that she is still so unwaveringly resilient in her cordiality? or perhaps no, it is not simply cordial that makes up the matriarch right now it's...something more. she truly cares, this is not a matter of merely spinning the correct words, there is a raw honesty weighing behind them; embracing the girl like a velveteen cloak. muscles sag, utterly fordone by what she'd endured the past weeks as it all caught up with her, snapping greedily. now that she knew that valette did not harbour any ill will towards her for her actions and she'd managed to deliver her own harrowing message, the dove was fit to collapse; no duty left to prop herself wearily upon. "thank you valette, always" it doesn't seem like enough, so blandly tumbled from her lips and such an inaccurate display of the overwhelming gratitude flooding her chest. but she is just so damn exhausted and with a weak fluttering smile to the woman, she'd murmur "i think i really need to just eh, lie down for a bit? i can talk more again later if you'd wish i just...yea" glancing to her paws, she'd exhale lowly before turning back to alsek with a small quirk to her lips "c'mon, let me show you your new home"