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+--- Thread: Swiftcurrent Creek I hate what didn't kill me. (/showthread.php?tid=4311)
I hate what didn't kill me. - Paarthurnax - August 30, 2014
For Bazi!
When she left Shadow to go his own way, Paar had waited until he was out of sight before she broke down. She sank to her haunches and feel apart at the seams, sobs racing her lithe frame and hot tears spilling from her flat copper eyes, trailing along the length of her ivory muzzle and down her cheeks. Why her? Why did she have to be caught in the middle, her heart torn two ways? Paarthurnax sat in a crumpled heap, broken and alone, for what felt like an eternity while she tried to reign in her grief.
At last she felt a little more in control, so the wary wolfess gathered herself and inhaled deeply before retreating to her hollow. It was around her own little den that she lingered for a couple of days, stuck with her solemn thoughts, entirely on her own as she considered the two options she had to chose from. Bazi or Shadow? To remain where she was stable, or to take the plunge and pursue the one she was falling for? She shed many years over the situation, and when she finally made her decision, Paarthurnax left her densite to brave her young leader. It was time to stop hiding away, and to face the music.
She picked an open area, bright with morning sunlight and dotted with wildflowers, and she lingered there for a short while before tilting her muzzle skyward and requesting the presence of her Alphess.
RE: I hate what didn't kill me. - Bazi - August 30, 2014
There it was - the call she had been dreading. Bazi lingered where she was for a moment, clutching at the brittle straws representing her reasons for Paarthurnax to stay. Eventually, though, she made her way to the chosen meeting spot.
She would reason with her. How long had the healer known Shadow? And wasn't he a bit pompous, really? And to go alone?
But Swiftcurrent Creek was dying. Those that lingered were not pleased with their Alpha - and Kaskara, who knew nothing yet, would likely only stay for her brother. If Scimitar's reaction was anything to go by, 'gayness' was not a crime where they came from.
Bazi slowed to a walk when the golden woman came into view, swallowing hard with every third step. I hope he's a terrible mate, the Alpha thought viciously in the privacy of her own mind, but took it back just as quickly as the thought had taken form.
She paused, regarding Paarthurnax wearily with her big, blue eyes. "You're going with him?"
RE: I hate what didn't kill me. - Paarthurnax - August 30, 2014
When she arrived, Paarthurnax whimpered softly. She submitted accordingly as the young leader approached: her ears back, head bowed, tail tucked. Her glassy copper eyes lingered hesitantly on Bazi's muzzle as she drew near, and she couldn't find the strength to speak just yet. A large part of her yearned to reach out, to comfort her with physical embrace, but then she recalled the reason behind all of this. With Danica's preference for her own gender laid out, it now acted as a barrier between the two she-wolves. She found herself wondering if Bazi might resent any female who was close to her, for fear that a similar situation might arise.
The question that the pale queen asked her pierced her heart, and Paar slackened noticeably. She'd been hoping it was all going to be some big joke that Bazi would set right, so her words solidified the truth. She nodded, tentatively and sadly. "We are courting," she said, almost a whisper, and she fidgeted nervously in place. "Would you not... reconsider?"
RE: I hate what didn't kill me. - Bazi - August 30, 2014
Paarthurnax melted before her. For once, Bazi found it a little embarrassing - not because it wasn't proper etiquette, but because it was so utterly undeserved. She wilted as her pack-mate did, ears drooping and tail swaying near the ground. Tears threatened to well, and she choked hard on a sob when Paarthurnax bid she reconsider in the same breath as answering her question without really saying 'Yes'.
"It won't .. it won't matter now!" the Alpha wailed, her composure crumbling as she dropped to her belly in front of her subordinate. She wanted more than anything to be comforted - straight, gay, harbouring secret feelings; in that moment it didn't matter. "She's gone - she hates me! Scimitar hates me, everyone else will find out and they will hate me too. What wise old crone does everyone go to in order to become Apple Pie Alphas, exactly?" Bazi sniffed hard, her face a mess of tears. "What will I do now?"
RE: I hate what didn't kill me. - Paarthurnax - August 31, 2014
This was not the reaction she'd been expecting. Instead of a flash of teeth and a scolding for her disloyalty, Bazi crumbled to a pitiful heap at her paws. But Paarthurnax did not judge her, and scooted outward to croon softly to the young Alpha as she gave into her aching need to comfort her. Warily she reached out, brushing the tip of her snout across Bazi's crown to gauge her reaction before crouching down to her level and emitting a soft whine - an invite to come closer.
The pallid female wept openly, hot tears spilling down her cheeks, and although Paar felt like weeping as well, the maternal side of her overruled. She steeled herself to be strong for Bazi, who seemed to be crying out for support. "I don't hate you," the bio-coloured medic said softly, "I could never hate you." She was too young to be blamed for her actions. Silently she damned Shadow for getting involved in a situation that was not his own, for pushing Bazi to the state that she'd not found herself in. Paarthurnax was a heayou, but she did not have a magic wand that she could wave and make all the mistakes disappear. "You pull yourself together, accept that you made a mistake, and you move on. You be strong. I don't believe everybody is going to hate you. If anything, I don't want you to hate me."
RE: I hate what didn't kill me. - Bazi - August 31, 2014
Bazi immediately shuffled forward, burying her face in Paarthurnax's golden ruff for a second round of crying. She wept and sniffled and gasped, eyes squeezed shut against the burn of her own salty tears. It took her several minutes after the other woman's final words to compose herself and pull away to stare at the healer with wet, sad eyes.
"I can't hate you. You've been so nice to me," Bazi grumbled thickly, "And you weren't.. you weren't exactly born here, most of us are strangers, the pack's dying.. I don't like Shadow as a match for you, but.." She paused to sniffle, clearing her nose. "He might do a better job of ruling a bunch of total randomers. I.. I miss my family--!" The wailing began afresh.
RE: I hate what didn't kill me. - Paarthurnax - September 01, 2014
As though she read her mind, Bazi shuffled forward across the ground and into Paarthurnax' waiting embrace. The lithe wolfess draped herself protectively over the little Alphess until she was snug against her chest, where she continued to weep freely. Paar crooned to her, swept her tongue soothingly across the top of her young companion's crown, and waited patiently for the wailing to end.
When it did, the promise of not being hated was made, and Paar felt lighter for a fleeting moment before her heart dropped again. Guilt consumed her, tightened its grasp. She did not regret her blooming feelings for Shadow, nor did she resent Bazi for her bitter reaction toward poor, innocent Danica... but she hated that no matter her choice, she was going to hurt somebody. And she would have to live with the guilt for a long time to come.
"I know. Nobody's perfect Not me, not you," Paarthurnax tried, burying her snout among the thick ivory fur of Bazi's nape. "These imperfections make us who we are. We can't always agree with the things others say or do, but we owe it to the ones we love to learn to accept or even appreciate their flaws." She paused, unsure if she was helping or making things worse. "Is it true, Bazi? About Danica?"
RE: I hate what didn't kill me. - Bazi - September 02, 2014
Wisdom poured from Paarthurnax's mouth and settled on Bazi's head alongside tender kisses - much too late to be implemented, but the pale girl would take them to heart in the coming months (or at least she would try). The crying eventually died down, leaving hiccoughs in their wake. They shook Bazi's entire body - like she was being shocked by something.
"It's true," she managed between hiccoughs, shuffling back slightly to look Paarthurnax in the eye. "I.. shit, I feel so stupid now." A second hiccough interrupted, adding an air of ridiculousness to her confessions. "It doesn't really matter, does it - that she's.. a bit queer. I still, you know.. I still love her. Like a girl is supposed to love another girl," she was quick to add, not quite a Pride Wolves convert yet.
RE: I hate what didn't kill me. - Paarthurnax - September 02, 2014
It's true, said the little female, and Paar dropped her vivid eyes. She hadn't been particularly close with Danica - in fact, she'd been somewhat wary of her. The golden wolfess never did seem too comfortable around her when it came to helping her with her injuries, and so the bi-coloured medic had not pursued any real friendship with her. But she understood her appreciation for the female form; in Samarkand, it was not uncommon for the sister-wives of Xerxes' harem to seek the company of one another when their husband was unavailable to tend to their needs.
Paarthurnax herself had never shared such experiences with her friends back home, but she'd never been particularly phased by it even as a yearling. Love came in so many forms that the gender of those involved didn't matter, as long as the relations weren't hurting anybody.
"No, it doesn't matter," Paar said softly, bumping her snout against the sodden underside of Bazi's chin. She didn't doubt that Danica was hurting over the rejection, and her heart sank at the thought. "Maybe in a few weeks, when the everyone's had some time to gather themselves, you could go visit her? Apologise for your reaction. Clear the air a bit." Paar smiled encouragingly. Someone could go with her for support, surely, if she wished. It just pained her that she would not be the one to hold her up, as her mothering instinct so drove her to wish.
RE: I hate what didn't kill me. - Bazi - September 03, 2014
Shall I fade our other thread? :D
Bazi nodded - reluctantly. The very thought of facing up to Danica.. no, she would rather eat shit. Eager to leave the subject behind, she ventured for another, but only jumped from the frying pan and into the fire. "Will you go.. now? Is he waiting?" Damn that snarky, jumped-up bastard to hell. Damn him. There and then, Bazi made a promise to keep within Swiftcurrent borders unless it was absolutely necessary - life or death - to go beyond them. If she ran into Shadow, there was a chance she would get herself killed in a fit of anger and leave the pack leaderless for a second time.
RE: I hate what didn't kill me. - Paarthurnax - September 05, 2014
Yes, please. :D
"Will you go... now?" Bazi asked, and Paarthurnax felt as though she was deflating. Her strong exterior began to break apart, and she lowered her head to stare solemnly at her ivory paws. "I asked him to wait for me until evening by Duck Lake," she said quietly, unable to lift her eyes again. This felt too much like a betrayal to Bazi, to be leaving her when she needed the support and companionship of someone she knew, when she was very clearly upset and vulnerable.
Paar sighed heavily and and after a long, pregnant pause, she braved to seek the young leader's face once more. Her sadness mirrored Bazi's, and the fear of letting go of her welling emotions prevented her from saying any more.
RE: I hate what didn't kill me. - Bazi - October 20, 2014
Concluding. :)
Evening. There was time, then. Bazi broke eye contact and shuffled closer still, setting her chin on Paarthurnax's shoulder. She had until evening, and then she would be alone.