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+--- Thread: Sun Mote Copse Keep repeating self-hating phrases (/showthread.php?tid=44332)
Keep repeating self-hating phrases - Alyx - October 16, 2020
Between her mother's weird adopted new kid, the rumours that there was some kind of deer cult moving in, being bummed out by the cooling temperature of the air, and realizing that the only wolves her own age she could ever be friends with were her dumb siblings (she loved them dearly even if she thought they were dumb), Alyx had done a lot of thinking lately. And that was all assuming that nothing bad happens in her thread with Fennec, which is certainly a possibility.
And no matter how much thinking she did, she always came back to the same thought in the end.
That was why she'd gone on a hunt to round up @Towhee, @Phox and @Niamh. Once she had one (or two or all three) of them in a good position for a chat, she pulled a steadying breath through her nose and declared,
I'm the Sovereign now, bitchesI want to go to Rusalka.Specifically, she wanted to go live with her friend in Rusalka, and potentially make friends of the other pups she'd met there, which was an opportunity she didn't think she'd ever have living in a pack that was almost solely her family.
RE: Keep repeating self-hating phrases - Phox - October 16, 2020
Phox looked to his fellow co-parents when Alyx rounded them up, one-by-one. He idly wondered if Alyx planned to expedite her plans to become Sovereign, but he couldn't imagine her trying that at this age. Then again, kids surprised him every step of the way, so maybe that was her plan. Instead, she threw a different curveball, but one that Phox had a few practice runs with before. Why was it always the girls who wanted to run off? Was he really that boring?
He breathed in deep, then asked his first question, likely of many. -When?- There was no use in trying to stop her. If Fennec was any indication, his children had minds of their own, and they would not be swayed. He was glad they at least came to tell him before they want galloping off, though. He cast a sideways glance to Niamh, remembering one of their biggest outbursts had involved her daughter disappearing without a word... and Phox siding with Nellie over Niamh when it came to keeping her whereabouts unknown.
RE: Keep repeating self-hating phrases - Towhee - October 16, 2020
Towhee had been thinking of Firefly Glen a lot the past few days, not only because both of her towheaded daughters were there right now but because the whole concept made her miss the days of the Redhawks' dominion over the hinterlands. Now Raven and Quixote were too far off the map to be a sister pack in anything but name and, of course, the grove had quite literally collapsed. She couldn't help but speculate about which of her children she could encourage to set up shop nearby, in the glade or even the sweep, like Hydra had done with Osiris. She didn't quite share her sister-in-arm's ambitions for conquest, though there was certainly safety in numbers and the family legacy was ever so important to Towhee.
When Alyx requested her attention along with her birth parents', the Sovereign set aside these thoughts, for the most part. As she settled in to hear whatever it was Alyx wanted to say to them, Towhee couldn't help but wonder if Alyx or perhaps her sister might make good leaders someday. She had considered Figment first and foremost, though perhaps one or even both of the twins could be the ones to branch out into one of the neighboring territories. But then the child spoke and her words derailed that train of thought quite effectively.
She had seen her children come and go, Meerkat's departure standing out more starkly than the rest. Just like all the other times, Towhee felt resistant to the idea. But experience had forced her to accept and even expect that children grew up and left to make their own ways in the world, entirely independent of whatever she might envision for them. She would always be sad to see them go and hope for their eventual return, though she met Alyx's declaration with an air of resignation.
Her brother simply wanted to know, -"When?"- Towhee wondered if Niamh would have more to say than her mate and remained mum, giving the girl's mother an opportunity to speak first.
RE: Keep repeating self-hating phrases - RIP Niamh - October 16, 2020
Rusalka.
It was hard for her to digest that statement. While she'd made peace with Raleska- if not only because Erzulie and Rosalyn hadn't been present to attack her again- she'd only made somewhat of an uneasy truce with Erzulie. True, the briny woman had found and taken care of Alyx once she'd been found washed ashore where the Rusalkans had been residing, it didn't mean, to Niamh, that they were allies. If anything, it simply meant that Erzulie and Rosalyn were mothers and that they had done what they could for Alyx out of maternal instinct. Had Niamh been the one to wash up on their shore, she highly doubted that they would've spared her that mercy.
Still. It was progress. So when Alyx mentioned Rusalka, Niamh breathed in deeply, knowing she was geing given the side-eye by both her mate and Person. Naturally, she declined to acknowledge the potential that Alyx might have actually intended to say that she wanted to join Rusalka, rather than simply visiting it. She chose to hear what she wanted to hear. "I can take you for a visit, if you'd like," She said quietly, but there was a firmness to her tone that she used intentionally. Wanting to clarify that thought, as she knew Alyx wouldn't be able to read her mind, she continued. "I know Bronco and Meerkat went to live at Moonspear, but Hydra and Towhee have been friends for...Well, longer than I've even known her." She disliked that fact but was willing to choke her pride down enough to have this conversation. "However, we have a difficult history with Rusalka, and have only recently made somewhat of a truce with them, in exchange for your safe return." She said. "We may not even be welcome guests, Alyx." She said softly.
And part of her burned with jealousy, still; her daughter wanted to go see Erzulie rather than staying in the Copse? Ohhh, that burned.
RE: Keep repeating self-hating phrases - Alyx - October 16, 2020
It started out better than she could've hoped: Phox seemed pretty on board by only asking when she wanted to go, and Towma didn't have anything to add. She'd came prepared with a variety of arguments in favour of her going to Rusalka, but at first, they didn't seem necessary. Maybe it really was that easy!
But then Niamh spoke and Alyx's hopes came crashing down around her. Of course her mom would have an issue with this. It was hard for her to listen to the reasons, which were perfectly logical but delivered with a tone of finality that Alyx didn't like, because the hottest of her arguments—that they had let Meerkat go off and do whatever she wanted when she was even younger than Alyx and it wasn't fair—threatened to rush out of her mouth.
Realizing that she wasn't going to make a strong point for herself if she got hot-headed about it, Alyx waited until Niamh was done, carefully composing herself all the while.
I have friends in Rusalka,she said,
just like Towma had friends in Moonspear. It's the same thing.Furthermore,
I can be like Meer, I can be an ambassador for Firebirds and live there and we can have an alliance. Then we'll all be stronger.And I'll get what I want, she privately thought. For the first time, she sort of understood why Bronco and Meerkat had left Firebirds. Maybe, like her, they'd had a taste of unrelated friends, friends they chose rather than friends they had to have because they shared blood, and had just wanted more freedom for themselves.
Miss Erzulie even said I can come when the water cleared up!she said in an effort to refute Niamh's warning.
RE: Keep repeating self-hating phrases - Phox - October 19, 2020
As of late (or maybe it had always been the norm), Phox and Towhee were more or less surfing the same brainwaves. It was Niamh who stepped in to object to Alyx's request to go to Rusalka, and Phox allowed the two to talk back and forth, not attempting to interject. His own question had not been answered, but he supposed it would be in time. He only vaguely remembered Caiaphas from so long ago when he'd first returned to Towhee, but it did not sound as though she was a part of Rusalka anymore. Where she'd gone, he had no idea.
-She said you could stay?- Phox asked, a little surprised that Erzulie had extended such an offer before Alyx had returned to the copse. So long as Phox knew where to find his daughter, and so long as he knew she was safe, he had no problems with her plan... but he was skeptical of Alyx's claim. Perhaps she had misunderstood the Rusalkan leader.
RE: Keep repeating self-hating phrases - Towhee - October 19, 2020
Whether or not Niamh's argument moved Alyx, it certainly impacted Towhee. Her ears swept backward when the Regent reminded not just her daughter but everyone present that the Firebirds and Rusalka simply didn't have the history or relationship the former shared with Moonspear. That was an extremely valid point, though the young girl didn't necessarily agree. Now one of Towhee's ears bent to the side and her facial expression remained blank, her orange eyes curiously flat.
What was the use of trying to reason with the whims of a child? They didn't think through decisions or necessarily follow logic. Towhee had recognized defeat with Meerkat and she saw it now too. But she wouldn't interfere if Niamh wanted to pick the fight anyway. Although the Sovereign behaved like an additional parental figure, she deferred to Alyx's birth parents, her mother especially. She was horribly biased and probably sexist too but she considered mothers the most important parent.
One question did occur to her, brief as Phox's but definitely different. -"Why?"- Towhee suddenly wanted to know, eyes fixing on Alyx's face. Why did she want to go to Rusalka? Why did she want to leave Firebirds, her home and her family? She had never heard Alyx express interest in ambassadorship before today, so what was the real reason compelling her to uproot and live with a pack they hardly knew?
RE: Keep repeating self-hating phrases - RIP Niamh - October 19, 2020
She didn't expect Alyx to bow to her reluctance ot cede her idea of going to Rusalka. She also didn't expect Alyx to agree with simply going for a visit, rather than going to stay with them- which seemed to be what she actually wanted to do. And it hurt, knowing that her children wanted to go elsewhere. She did not want to lose another child the way she'd lost Nellie- who had chosen to run off, and demanded that she stay hidden until she returned on a whim, and then left again. Alyx was her princess- and while she felt it was too soon for her to relocate anywhere, she certainly felt as though Rusalka was one of the last places in the world that would be a safe place for her to go.
Towhee and Phox asked Alyx questions as well- but Niamh wasn't the sort to allow many words in edgewise when there was something she wanted to suss out herself. She wanted answers to her questions, first. -"Maybe she just meant to visit, not to stay."- She said. And unless Erzulie had told Alyx in very clear words that she was welcome to go and live with them, rather than just visit, she'd assume that Erzulie had extended little more than an obligatory invitation out of fondness for the child. Alyx was very endearing, after all. -"Honey...I would be glad to take you there, to act as an ambassador, as a part of a visit but you can't go live there. It is different than it is with Moonspear. Erzulie and her mate, Rosalyn, tried to kill me in the past, more than once."- She said. -"Even the alpha of Rusalka before them, was cast out of our pack after turning on your aunt Raven and attempting a mutiny. I do not trust them, nor should you, not without knowing what they've done. They spared you because you are a child, sweetheart; and you're lucky, given that you're my child, that they did at that all."- She said. -"On top of that, Meerkat also has Bronco with her, to take care of her and act as her guardian until she's an adult."- She stated. Alyx might not have wanted to hear the facts, but Niamh wasn't going to give her daughter permission to run off and join wolves she didn't trust, without a guardian. -"I'm sorry, princess,"- She said, knowing her daughter wouldn't be content with that as an answer.
RE: Keep repeating self-hating phrases - Alyx - October 20, 2020
She said I could go for a real visit,she clarified verbally and physically when Phox posed his question.
But I bet she'd be cool with me staying and the alliance as long as I help out. She's really nice.Besides, Alyx was friends with Valravn and could easily become friends with the rest of the pack's pups. She was getting pretty decent at hunting small animals and thought she had a lot to offer. She was certain they would be happy to have her.
Towhee's question next.
So we can have another ally?she posed, hesitating only a little before adding, a little more heatedly,
you didn't care when it was Meerkat.Towhee had, in fact, but Alyx wasn't aware of all that. All she'd seen was her sibling leaving without much fuss at all. It wasn't fair that Meerkat could go just because Towhee was friends with Hydra.
I have friends there and I have none here and everyone's just family here so there's no one to make friends with, but I can make friends out there and bring our packs closer,she added, growing desperate.
But it was Niamh who was the real sticking point. She explained that Rosalyn and Erzulie had tried to kill her once. Alyx hadn't met Rosalyn, but Erzulie seemed much too nice to attack someone for no reason, and she was getting old enough now to know her mother wasn't infallible. She clung to that idea, refusing to believe that Erzulie could be a bad wolf. As Niamh went on to essentially refuse to let her live with Rusalka despite the potential for an alliance and the benefits she'd cited, Alyx's eyes grew flinty, until at last the injustice of being told that she couldn't go live with her friend rose up in her throat in a rebellious outburst:
Maybe they just don't like you because you're a bitch.
Niamh had done nothing to deserve that, and she immediately felt the cold hand of dread for saying it around her heart, but she did her very best to stand her ground despite the tears gathering in her eyes and the wobble of her lower jaw. She didn't truly think her mother was a bitch but she couldn't get her tongue to work to take it back, either.
RE: Keep repeating self-hating phrases - Phox - October 20, 2020
As much as he loved his children, Niamh had made a very good point. What if Alyx wasn’t safe with Rusalka’s leaders? They had tried to kill Niamh once before, so why should they stop now? Because Alyx was a child? And what about when she wasn’t? Phox shifted uneasily on his feet, listening as Alyx began to sign in tandem with her speaking.
He was about to speak up on the comparison to Meerkat, but Alyx had even more to say. He might’ve suggested an alternative to Rusalka, but the curse in Alyx’s voice set him on a different course of action. Phox’s lip curled back, and he aimed to swiftly pin her to the ground for her insolent behavior. Normally very hands off, this sort of shit would not be tolerated. He was open to talking, but insults were not to be thrown about, let alone to a wolf who was both her parent and her leader.
RE: Keep repeating self-hating phrases - Towhee - October 20, 2020
Once more, Niamh's words stirred Towhee. She had forgotten all about some of these things, though even now the mention of Caiaphas's attempt to usurp Raven rankled. With every passing moment, she felt her resignation slipping toward refusal. Her Regent made compelling arguments, even though they were likely lost on her child.
When Alyx tried to repeat the merit of forging an alliance, Towhee wondered if she was truly invested in that idea or whether she was mimicking her older siblings. A light bulb went off in her head then: what if she redirected Alyx toward Firefly Glen, where she could be with her brother and sisters under Hydra's watchful eye? Possibly Alyx was genuinely attached to the idea of Rusalka, though perhaps she would go for Towhee's proposed compromise...
Before the Sovereign could give the thought any more weight, much less voice it, the girl undermined herself by sassing Towhee about Meerkat. She didn't need to hear Alyx's heated tone to understand the spiteful spirit in which this allegation was delivered. She felt a flare of indignation, though there was no room to reply between the kid's pleading and the epithet directed at Niamh.
She could see how much Alyx regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth. Towhee liked to think she regretted her accusation about Meerkat too. Towhee's tail lashed in agitation but she reminded herself they were dealing with a child. And before the girl's mother could likely slap her disrespectful mouth right off her face, she abruptly decided to pull the Sovereign card, for everyone's sake.
-"Alyx,"- she reprimanded with a warning growl, right about the time Phox physically put her in her place. Well, Towhee honestly hadn't expected that. Nonetheless, her words complemented her brother's actions. -"You need to respect your elders and your leaders. The answer is 'no.' We don't need or want any other alliances, especially not with packs we barely know, much less trust."-
Towhee paused, deliberating whether it was wise to throw this out now, in the heat of the moment. Deciding it might defuse the entire situation, she ground out, -"If you're really interested in ambassadorship, I would give you permission to go to Firefly Glen with your brother and sisters. But only if your mom and dad approved as well."- Right now, that seemed pretty damn doubtful, lol.
RE: Keep repeating self-hating phrases - RIP Niamh - October 20, 2020
She hadn't simply been speaking to Alyx when she'd brought up as many points as she could to make it seem unsafe for Alyx to go to Rusalka- and her plan had been, of course, to have all three adults stand as a united front. The child did nothing to serve herself favour by daring to say that they hadn't cared when Meerkat had decided to leave- causing Niamh to bristle. She knew how hard it had been for Towhee and Phox to watch their daughter go, even though she'd been going with permission from all involved, to a peaceful place along with a bodyguard who was also caring and devoted enough to act as a bodypillow as well as needed. To say they hadn't cared about Meerkat going was a poor choice of words. Ambassadors needed to know how to explain themselves better than that.
The insult hit Niamh in a place that wasn't as sensitive as it used to be. This was not the first time one of her children had called her a bitch, nor did she think it would be the last. And at this point, Alyx was being utterly foolish- and Niamh could tell by the look of shock on her face that her daughter knew it too. She didn't need to apprehend Alyx and discipline her for her impudence- Phox made short work of that and Niamh's features remained as stoic as they had been before. Now that this year's litter of children were adolescents, she expected them to drop their puppyish ways, and begin learning how to navigate a heirarchy- which also meant suffering repercussions for impudence. She turned her muzzle to gaze softly at Towhee, enabling her friend and Sovereign to speak about respect, and keeping in her place. She appreciated that Towhee also seemed to understand Niamh's misgivings about sending any Firebird to Rusalka, especially one so young and hot-headed still. She glance to Phox, but she didn't expect him to let go of her until he was good and ready to do so.
And there she had it- her united front. She hoped that being both physically and verbally reprimanded by her father and her Towma might be good enough, for starteds; but the child had more coming. Towhee offered a compromise of allowing the child to go to Firefly Glen, but Niamh shook her head.
-"Ambassadors are wolves who are the best representation of their pack, and who are capable of calmly negotiating with those who have wronged them. A good ambassador would never pitch a fit as soon as they hear the word no and then call a leader a bitch,"- She said sharply. She shook her head again, and glanced to Towhee. While she agreed that the Glen would be a much better place for her to go, and it occurred to Niamh that sending her there might actually be a good idea- she wasn't keen on giving Alyx any sort of reward for her behavior. -"I'm ashamed of the way you've acted, Alyx- and you should be ashamed of yourself. You won't be going anywhere- not for another month. Then, if you've fixed your attitude, and learned how to respect your leaders, we can talk about you maybe going to the Glen. But I'll hear none of it until I've seen that you can live up to your potential."-
RE: Keep repeating self-hating phrases - Alyx - October 20, 2020
Faster than she could blink, Alyx was on the ground, folded easily beneath the weight of her father, while both Towhee and Niamh verbally scolded her. Alyx had nothing else to say. She thought she'd always been perfectly respectful to her parents, who all happened to also be her leaders. She was a good kid, or she thought she was. She'd always followed the rules. She'd never given them a reason to doubt her.
Why did they not trust her judgment on this?
For that was how she took their refusal to let her go live with Rusalka. Maybe Towma and Niamh were right, maybe they'd only been kind to her because she was young, but she didn't think so. Nothing about them or their pups had seemed the least bit hostile to her. Solaire was a little stern compared to the other pups, but that was just her personality. The way Alyx saw it, she knew a lot more about modern day Rusalka than her parents did, even though she really didn't. She couldn't see it. She only saw how unfair it was, and felt the pain of missing her friend, all of which was made far more dramatic by the puppy crush she had on him.
Her eyes stung with tears when they grounded her and she had to bite her tongue when Towhee suggested she might go to Firefly Glen instead. Well meaning as it was, Alyx took it about as gracefully as being slapped in the face. She could go and live with more family and still live without any friends that weren't her relatives? She could go live with perfect trustworthy Meerkat and perfect trustworthy Bronco, but she couldn't have her parents' trust on decisions she made? It made her feel invalidated rather than hopeful. In that moment, the upset she felt about Meerkat and Bronco leaving flared so strongly into resentment that she nearly declared that she never wanted to see them again and would never go to Firefly Glen, but luckily, her throat was too tightly constricted by her dramatic emotions for her to choke out anything at all.
Having decided she'd had enough of being pressed into the dirt by her father, Alyx attempted to shove away, clearly upset and unwilling to speak with them any longer.
RE: Keep repeating self-hating phrases - Phox - October 21, 2020
Phox released Alyx as quickly as he had shoved her to the ground. By then, both Niamh and Towhee had weighed in. Discipline was not common for Phox, but if ever there had been an appropriate time, this was it. At the root of it, it sounded like Alyx yearned for wolves who weren’t family: a foreign concept to Phox who had been deeply entrenched in family ties for so long. He huffed as Alyx pulled away, but he didn’t make a move to go after her, although he did wonder if he should.
We should keep a close eye on her over the next few days,he said, facing his two coparents.
She might make a run for it if we don’t.Isn’t that what Fennec had done? He couldn’t remember the exact circumstances, but children always seemed to run off when they didn’t agree with their parents’ decisions.
RE: Keep repeating self-hating phrases - Towhee - October 21, 2020
Niamh didn't quite torpedo the idea, though she did ground Alyx for a month. After that, they would only consider allowing her to join her brethren. Towhee's nostrils flared and she nodded subtly, mostly to herself. She found herself largely in agreement with everything her Regents said and did. In this particular moment of parenting, they were a united front. Alyx didn't stand a chance.
Phox didn't hold onto her long, releasing his daughter. Alyx looked pretty upset and Towhee felt a small twinge. She'd brought it on herself, though she was usually a pretty exemplary child. She was reminded of her idea about Alyx possibly branching out to lead a sister pack someday. Of course, she had a lot of growing up to do, yet Towhee still thought she was a viable candidate. Any of the children were, really.
But she stowed that thought and said nothing else. Phox mentioned they should keep a careful eye on Alyx, who might be a flight risk. Towhee stifled a sigh and nodded again. He was probably right, though she really believed Alyx was above such clichés. Hopefully she would just stew for a day or two, learn from her mistakes, grow up and move on, so that one day she could go to Firefly Glen or, better yet, Golden Glade or maybe Cedar Sweep...
RE: Keep repeating self-hating phrases - RIP Niamh - October 23, 2020
She sighed, as Alyx pushed away, clearly not willing to listen to any of them anymore, especially since she'd been unsuccessful both in getting what she wanted, and in getting a sympathetic ear from any of them. And she did feel sorry for her daughter- she'd come to them to ask if she could go, and had proposed a good idea of also becoming an ambassador- the only error Alyx had made was in choosing Rusalka as her destination...But she couldn't have known about their history. She'd not spoken of it much with the kids, and she doubted very much that Erzulie had brought it up either.
"Mmm." She concluded, agreeing with Phox. Alyx wouldn't have been the first rebellious teenager to run away, either, but she would do what she could to make sure she didn't catch Alyx's tracks leaving the pack anytime soon. -"I might take a trip to Rusalka at some point, though. I do have a friend there, if you remember Raleska. It may do us some good to have another ally in them- or at least, to be on truly neutral standings with them."- She said. Not that she was willing to begin setting up a safe place for Alyx to go and live- but she did still feel as though there was potential for there to be a better understanding and boundaries between the two packs, to make it easier for all of them should they cross paths again.
RE: Keep repeating self-hating phrases - Phox - October 25, 2020
Wrapping up here. <3
Feeling as though things were more or less wrapped up, Phox nodded to Niamh when she mentioned Rusalka. Meanwhile, he was trying to plot ways in which they could become more better aligned with packs that may not like them very much (or the other way around). Phox didn't think there were many out there who had strong opinions of the Redhawks/Firebirds, but he could be wrong. The Blackfeather wolves were long gone, as far as he knew.
The Regent excused himself from the group, off to go do some hunting or equally productive thing while Alyx was surely blowing off steam in one way or another.