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Blackfeather Woods When I wake up, I'm afraid - Printable Version

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When I wake up, I'm afraid - Takiyok - December 06, 2020

@Zephyr
set for late evening


It seemed to always be this time of night when her head throbbed, and she was forced from the warmth of the den. Usually, she patrolled, finding some relief in the familiarity of the task, and so she could be found along the borders of the forest tonight. The air was brisk and icy, but she had always liked that about winter nights; she loved the way the cold clung to the edges of her fur and turned her breath into fog around her muzzle. It was all comforting enough to soothe her worry over the Taktuq stuff. What she had with Taikon was important to her—Taikon was important to her, and she didn't want to disregard his feelings over her leaving on her own to see her brother. He had a point, but that didn't make her decision any easier. 

She stopped briefly to gently rub her head against the trunk of a tree, hoping it might soothe the throbbing some. Nothing really ever helped, but she was always trying anyway. But she figured she would have to just wait it out like all the other times before. When the rubbing didn't help, she straightened up and continued to walk.

RE: When I wake up, I'm afraid - Zephyr - December 09, 2020

He seeks Takiyok with a purpose, having already discussed his intentions and his reservations with @Rowan. With the addition of a child and Takiyok's head injury, it seems the group he'd brought to the forest will be staying longer than originally planned; a thought that makes him look to the farther future, too. As he'd told his co-leader, they strike him as useful and reliable, potentially good additions to the pack — except for Taikon's poor judgment and apparent fickleness. Yet the wraith knows his personal feelings cloud his judgment to some extent, so he's decided to give them a chance in the form of a conversation with Takiyok.
Takiyok, He greets when he finds her, voice level and painted in the same icy tones he always uses. His posture is set higher than it'd been when they'd first met, a subtle reminder of his position within the forest, but for the most part he greets her on neutral terms. I'd like to discuss your intentions for the future. You're injured, and you have a child with you now. It seems your group would benefit from a longer stay under the protection of a pack — but you know we have to ask something jn return. A pause, and a slightly pointed look; she hadn't given him anything for free, after all. A more permanent arrangement would be ideal. Your loyalty. But I've heard of your plans for spring. And that makes me hesitate to offer you a place here.
But that warrants more explanation, doesn't it? I can't let just anyone have kids around here. My own parents were awful — and everyone I know had awful parents too, or no parents, He's never liked the concept of parenthood, if only because those who want it are never suited to it. He doesn't know why anyone has kids if their only plan is to treat them horribly, cast them aside, set them up for a life of failure. Maybe parents are just people who are so desperately lonely in their misery that they need to make new people as warped as they are to feel less lonely. Or maybe it's just about the sex. I've never met a good parent. I don't know if they even exist. So I don't know how I can trust anyone to become a parent — knowing what happens after that. Especially after the decisions Taikon has made.


RE: When I wake up, I'm afraid - Takiyok - December 09, 2020

She was surprised to hear Zephyr calling her name, though she kept it from her expression as she paused and then turned to face him. She had intentionally given him space after everything that had happened with Taikon. He had mentioned Zephyr was very upset about how things had ended between them, and being that she had felt rejection more than once, she could understand his feelings. She knew a conversation was needed, but she also knew it might be best to wait until things calmed a little. But if he wanted to talk now, she certainly wouldn't turn him away.

She dipped her head in return to his greeting. Zephyr she said evenly. And then he cut right to the chase, something she appreciated, actually. She hated small talk, especially when there were clearly other things to be discussed. As surprised as she was to be speaking to Zephyr so soon after arriving at the forest, she was not at all surprised that he expected something in return for their prolonged stay here. Nothing in life was free—it was not only something she understood well, but also something she lived by herself. She rarely gave her time or resources to others out of the kindness of her heart, with the exception of children. She merely nodded curtly and let him continue to speak. Of course he wanted her loyalty—it was a coveted commodity. They had borders here, but they were tentative at best; it spoke of a recent claim, and she knew some might view that as an easy target. She and Taikon were strong, able fighters; it made sense that they would want them to stay and help them establish these woods for their pack. But there was more to his request, something that made irritation swell in Taki's chest. She was careful to keep her expression blank as he explained why he felt the need to police her uterus. That was certainly like a man, so he had that down. 

Taktuq is my number one concern right now, she said first. She has been through a lot, and I want her to have safety and stability. She paused and drew in a deep breath. Obviously, that means Taikon and I have discussed a more long term stay here, and of course my loyalty would come with that. She would not take from the pack and rely on its structure without offering to protect the forest and its inhabitants in return. But, it is our plan to have children in the spring, and so that puts me in a difficult place. I do not want to displace my niece again, but neither am I okay with being told that I cannot have children because of your opinion based solely on your life experience and the life experiences of a few others. There was none of the indignation she felt in her tone; her words were only matter of fact. I do understand where you are coming from, though, and I am sorry that your parents failed you. Unfortunately, parenthood is not for everyone, and it is a crime that the children pay for that the most. She paused and searched his face a moment. So what exactly are you asking for? she asked bluntly. There was clearly more to this conversation.

RE: When I wake up, I'm afraid - Zephyr - December 09, 2020

Her response is level, yet there is clear rebellion behind the words, defiance in the face of his position over her and his doubts in allowing her what she wants. Unperturbed, he responds to her ending question without pause or thought. I would feel the same, in your position, He starts, leading up to the answer she's looking for with an explanation he feels is warranted. I don't doubt that you trust your own abilities. Having spent time in your company, I'm inclined to believe that you're capable of anything you set out to do, if only through sheer determination. We share that. But I don't know you well, and I have a responsibility to protect everyone in these woods, including any children born here. A slight pause. I'm here because I'd like to be able to say I can trust you with it. I see potential for it, but I need more proof — I need to see more of who you and Taikon really are. Obviously, you've both been caring for Taktuq, and I respect your commitment to her so far — if things continue smoothly through spring, and you're both able to complete a few tasks Rowan and I have for you, we've agreed that would be sufficient. He gives a moment to let it sink in, then starts to elaborate. Practical tasks, to help us learn more about you — nothing outrageous. And if it doesn't work out, Rowan and I have agreed to support you both in searching for another place to have your children, however long it may take.


RE: When I wake up, I'm afraid - Takiyok - December 09, 2020

He seemed more than reasonable about the whole thing, which surprised her again. She had not seen this side of him while he was injured or while they traveled; they had all been focused on surviving, so not much time to get to know each other—well, not much time for her and Zephyr to get to know each other. Taikon and Zephyr had managed to get to know each other just fine, unfortunately. Now things were more complicated than they needed to be. That was beside the point, though. 

He wanted proof—proof that she and Taikon could be trusted and proof that they would be acceptable parents to him. She couldn't necessarily blame him, although it ruffled her pride to have to prove anything these days; it was part of the reason she had been against packs when they first set off on this journey, not to mention the unresolved anger and resentment she still had towards Mahler. Regardless, things had changed quite a bit. She had Taktuq, and she had Taikon, and they couldn't exactly roam the wilds indefinitely with what they had planned for their future. 

That sounds reasonable, she finally answered. What kind of tasks would you be asking us to perform? What could they do to prove to Zephyr and Rowan that they would be good parents? It seemed an odd request, but one she was willing to go along with if it meant getting what she wanted. And if it didn't work out, then they had promised to find them somewhere where it would work. So she had no reason to give it a try.

RE: When I wake up, I'm afraid - Zephyr - December 09, 2020

She seems to accept the terms he offers — or at least, that's what it sounds like. Regardless, further explanation can't hurt anything. You'll likely be given some uncomfortable tasks, He admits, though his tone implies a deeper explanation beneath the surface. Helping our medic care for a sick packmate, for example, or one experiencing emotional trauma. Unavoidable situations that no one likes — not to be cruel, but to prove that you can handle it, and do it regardless of your judgment of the individual's character. There's a reason for this, of course. If you can commit to handling situations like that, and deal with a near stranger's differences, then I can put my doubts aside. I just — A rare moment of vulnerability. I need to know that if you had a child like me — a child as miserable and angry as I was, born into the wrong body — that they'd be loved anyway. I can't watch any child go through what I did.


RE: When I wake up, I'm afraid - Takiyok - December 09, 2020

He told her the tasks would be uncomfortable, and she was a little alarmed at first. But what he described didn't seem all that uncomfortable. She may come off as cold and guarded to strangers and those she didn't trust, but she had no problem caring for physically or psychologically injured packmates. And she had to agree that it was a good way to test someone's care-taking skills. She could point out that it was a completely different game when it was your own children who depended on you all day every day for at least the first eight months of their life, but she didn't. 

She watched him explain his reasons behind this test, and she could see the pain clearly in his expression as he hinted to the turmoil of his childhood. Her heart ached for him. I love my children no matter what they do or believe, she told him, a flare of emotion in her gaze. There was absolutely nothing they could do to make her not love them. They could brutally murder an entire pack, and her love would not waver. And I accept your tasks, she said quietly, her voice a little raw with the emotion speaking of her children had brought up inside her heart. I need to speak with Taikon, of course, but I cannot see him having an issue with this either. He would probably be better at caring for others than she would be, honestly.

RE: When I wake up, I'm afraid - Zephyr - December 09, 2020

Her words soften him, and the agreement finalizes the reality of the situation in his mind. It'd been easy to put his feelings aside while he talked to Rowan, and then Takiyok, thinking aloud and putting everything else on hold while they worked out the specifics of their arrangement. In the moment it had only been a task that had needed completing, a business transaction, same as the rest — but now, it feels real. Taikon is going to have children in his forest. Taikon is going to embrace Takiyok the way he'd embraced him, except it will be different, because Takiyok isn't broken. Takiyok is a woman, a mother, a wife — everything that Zephyr was meant to be, and never wanted. He still doesn't want it — but he wants Taikon, or even someone like him. Someone full of thoughts about the world, about people, about how he can help and how things might be better. He's learning that it will never happen. Men like Taikon want women and children, and Zephyr's feelings do not matter in this.
What matters is the safety of the pack, the greater good for all of them. He thinks of Phillip, then, and Rowan and his family — and even little Taktuq, stranger that she is to him. This decision affects them all. And being bitter would not bring Taikon back to him anyway; it would only drive the pair away, and leave the pack worse off for it. There is only one good path forward, despite the hurt it brings him. His own feelings cannot be a factor anymore, not if he's going to keep the peace for those he loves. This is what it means to be a protector.
He nods, stifling his bitterness in favor of a businesslike demeanor. We have a deal, then, if Taikon agrees, He says, as toneless as ever. Thank you for discussing this with me, Takiyok.


RE: When I wake up, I'm afraid - Takiyok - December 10, 2020

I will talk to him and then let you know, she said back, dipping her head. There is no need to thank me, Taki added next. I am available to talk whenever you need it, she offered. She wasn't sure if he would accept that. They weren't exactly friends. Their first meeting had been rocky at best, and now things were complicated between them and Taikon. But they clearly had similar minds and outlooks on the way things needed to be, and that had always kept them civil with each other. Zephyr seemed to have a lot of pain in his past, and she could relate with that, as well. She knew from experience that talking about it seemed to really help.

And of course, if you need anything else, let me know. She was still healing, but she was willing to help out where she could.

RE: When I wake up, I'm afraid - Zephyr - December 10, 2020

He nods again, suddenly eager to be done with the interaction. He appreciates the sentiments Takiyok offers, but he isn't ready for them. Not yet. The same goes for you, He offers, preparing to take his leave. Rowan and I aren't unfair as leaders — we're willing to listen, and make accomodations where it's needed. With that, he turns, tossing a farewell over his shoulder. Until next time.


RE: When I wake up, I'm afraid - Takiyok - December 10, 2020

She nodded, considering his proclamation that they were not unfair leaders. It was something she would need to see proof of, as with most things in her life, but she was more inclined to take his word for now, given how the conversation had gone.

She turned to leave when he did, deciding she would go find Taikon and tell him about this talk he had just had with Zephyr. She wasn't sure what all he would have to say about it, but she still felt like he would agree to the tasks in the end. He seemed as dedicated to having children in the spring as she was.