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+--- Thread: Redhawk Caldera it's all about us (/showthread.php?tid=46777)
it's all about us - Eljay - March 06, 2021
set directly after this
After Maia had turned away from the borders and left — ran — Eljay felt absolutely crushed. He knew he couldn't simply up and leave Redhawk Caldera. He knew they needed him here. But... He also knew that he needed Maia. He knew that he felt unappreciated. He felt as if everybody either took him for granted or didn't really care about him. Not... really. Towhee had always thought him weak and though their relation had drastically improved over the last few years — specifically when she had had Meerkat and he'd helped her out in the first months — he knew that they would never be truly friends. That maybe, it was a lost cause to expect her to ever truly respect him; because he wouldn't say what he needed and she wouldn't pursue to figure out what he needed; he would carry all of the responsibility and she would not think to stop it from being that. And without being asked, Eljay'd never relinquish any of the responsibility and insecurity he had accumulated on top of his shoulders.
Niamh and he had been good usually, but again, it was clear they were such very different wolves. He had felt as if he'd gotten more appreciated over time, but even so. Last year she hadn't even asked him to be there, standby or in assistance, when she gave birth. This year she hadn't told him about her pregnancy. It was as if it was great to have him handy, but when it came down to it, would they be there for him?
Had they been there for him, when he'd lost his parents? Eljay loathed to think of that.
The thing was... It felt as if it was all about them, and Eljay got to be a minor side star in the perfect-trio show. And with Maia here, maybe she'd be a side star, too. Maybe they'd even get to have pups. But Niamh and Towhee already with pups, would there be space? Would there be resources? And would their pups grow up to be side stars, too..? What if he wanted... more? What if he wanted a place for himself?
At the other side of the coin was Maia.
Maia, who also disregarded his feelings by asking him to move. Who didn't ask him, didn't open a dialogue, didn't let him come to terms with this choice on his own time. She, too, pressured him — or so he felt — and the worst of it all was that by resisting this pressure he had chased her away. Eljay was convinced at this point that Maia hated him and that she would be happier without him; he was fearful that he had lost her. He wasn't good enough for her, and he should've appreciated having her more. But he didn't want to move just because she wanted him to!
He wanted to move because he.. he deserved better, because he loved Maia and respected her role in her new pack, because... There were a million reasons, maybe, but right now all of those reasons seemed null in light of the one reason — she's the leader & she asked you to move & is clearly not planning to ever move to Redhawk Caldera — and that just didn't feel right for him.
Eljay wanted to go on his way to check up on @Niamh or @Towhee and bring either something to eat, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. He would do it, soon, but right now all that was inside of him was anxiety and self-loathing and most of all, pain.
Above all of the pain he felt, he hated being so selfish. He shouldn't be upset with his leaders and family for not being up there in the most special wolves in our lives who I tell literally everything and trust with my life and my children's lives category. He shouldn't be upset with Maia for pressuring him. He should just do what he always did; put his own feelings aside...
And endure.
Why was it suddenly so hard to do just that? Why did he feel like he deserved things? Eljay sobbed uncontrollably and loudly, his body shaking as he did, as he sat by the lake and looked out over the beautiful place that was Redhawk Caldera. Once his beloved home that he hoped to raise children in; now everything seemed marred and broken, on all sides of the coin.