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+--- Thread: Redhawk Caldera Fire away, fire away. (/showthread.php?tid=46790)
Fire away, fire away. - Towhee - March 08, 2021
Receiving visits from @Wraen and Meerkat helped lift Towhee's mood, if only a little. Her daughter even spent the night curled up beside her near the creek, one cheek resting on the Sovereign's belly so she could feel the puppies kick. They talked—well, Towhee talked and Meerkat listened—late into the night, Meerkat's good ear pricked to take in her mother's every word.
In the morning, Towhee walked Meerkat to the borders. That was when she asked if her daughter might consider staying here when Moonglow could spare her. If she didn't like the idea of moving back in with her parents, Towhee even floated a totally random thought: what if Meerkat and @Bronco took this opportunity to found another sister pack in one of the territories next door?
Meerkat left after telling her mother she would think over everything. She needed to consult with her brother, of course. "Of course," were Towhee's parting words, kissing her daughter's brow. "See you." Towhee stood and watched as the yearling galloped back in the direction of Ouroboros Spine.
When Meerkat disappeared into the distance, it was like a thundercloud appeared in the sky over Towhee's head. Her face darkened and her mood sank. She swept the nearby borderline with her sharp orange eyes, then turned to begin climbing the caldera.
RE: Fire away, fire away. - Eljay - March 09, 2021
Eljay had noticed that Wraen had visited, though he had missed her personally. He wondered if it had anything to do with Maia, and felt nervous thinking about that. Things were messy enough without anyone else meddling into it, he felt, and he was afraid that Wraen might think poorly of him if she knew of the situation. He'd messed things up, after all, and he wasn't presently able to fix them either, considering he was still too anxious to leave Redhawk Caldera in the wake of Moonspear's crash.
Determined to gather his courage and do it — like many times in the past days — Eljay was on his way to the borders. Just as he reached the Caldera's edges though, Towhee came into view instead.
He'd brought Towhee food ever since the incident, since Reyes was gone and she was in no state to take care of herself right now (though she seemed to have gotten a bit better), but they hadn't interacted much personally. She hadn't seemed in the mood for it.
Oh, hey, uh, Towhee,Eljay said, a little awkwardly but casually, as to leave space for her to avoid a conversation and make her way into the Caldera's heart if she preferred that.
RE: Fire away, fire away. - Towhee - March 09, 2021
When she first saw Eljay, her first instinct was to avoid him and keep moving. She couldn't deal with his issues today. But then Towhee slowed, then stopped. That was an awful and unfair thing to think. Although she hadn't eaten any of it, his gifts hadn't gone unnoticed. And he had looked after her, immediately after her miscarriage. He'd broken her heart a little in the process, though now...
She wasn't looking at him directly, so she missed his awkward greeting. But Towhee marched right up to him—kind of aggressively, in hindsight—and demanded in her flat voice, "Feel this." Without giving him any time to react, she clutched at his paw and drew it toward her flank, where the puppies seemed to be constantly on the move.
RE: Fire away, fire away. - Eljay - March 10, 2021
It seemed at first as if Towhee would avoid him and be on her way. That was okay, Eljay expected it; he'd been bringing her food and attempting to make her eat it, attempted to take care of her ever since her miscarriage. He hadn't succeeded very much, he knew, but it was the best he could do. It was a stark reminder that in the end, Towhee was the only one who could truly decide to take care of herself, the only one who could decide that life was worth living after all of this. He knew that dark and lonely crossroad only too well, and he hoped that she would come out of it, just like he had every time he had dwindled down that road.
However, as she turned to look at him she suddenly turned towards him and started to head out towards him. Eljay looked a little startled, head lifted in surprise and an uncertain awkwardness about him. Before he could process what she was saying — feel what? — she grabbed his paw. Eljay's first instinct was to struggle free, but before he could truly process what was happening he felt the touch of the wiggling against his paw.
His frightened confusion melted into surprise and then, after another second or two, a smile appeared on his face.
Oh, Towhee!he said, overjoyed.
I'm so happy for you!His tail waved excitedly behind him as he felt truly happy for his friend.
RE: Fire away, fire away. - Towhee - March 10, 2021
For the first time since doomsday, Towhee smiled. It was small, but she couldn't help it, not in the face of Eljay's surprise, followed quickly by his enthusiasm. She let go of his paw, though she didn't mind if he kept it there a little longer. Towhee wasn't sure where she would be if not for the life stirring inside her, if she ever would've gotten up from what felt like her deathbed by the creek.
This time, she did say it out loud: "Thank you." Her tail waved slowly as she simply let both of them revel in this moment. The rage which had begun to throttle her again had subsided in Eljay's presence, as if soothed by it.
That made her think of something else. Towhee turned a ponderous gaze toward the middle distance, recollecting her recent conversation with Wraen, before turning back to the caretaker and saying, "Would you stay close until they're born? And let me know of anything I should be doing to make sure I carry to term and deliver safely?"
RE: Fire away, fire away. - Eljay - March 10, 2021
After Towhee let go of his paw it did stay there for another five or so seconds, before Eljay withdrew as well. Wow. He couldn't believe it. He almost forgot about his own problems for a moment as he just felt incredibly happy for Towhee. He knew how much she had grieved over her children, and while it wouldn't bring back the two she had lost, this was a glimpse at a different future for her. It was so good to see her smile again.
When she asked him if he would stay nearby, Eljay's enthusiastic smile fell off his face and was replaced by a thoughtful frown. He instantly thought of Maia. How long would it be until the pups were born? Could he be away from her for that long? They'd left things at a bad note, and he didn't want to let her wait that long. But maybe 'nearby' could be just hovering around most the time. It didn't mean he had to be there all the time, right?
Yeah, of course,Eljay said, swallowing all of his doubts.
I mean, I may have to go places once or twice, but I'll hurry and I'll — I can stay near.He nodded, understanding how fragile she must feel right now. She'd already lost two, she must be terrified to lose the others. Once more Eljay felt like he had to choose between his own needs and those of others, but this time it was a lot easier for him to just choose for Towhee's.
RE: Fire away, fire away. - Towhee - March 10, 2021
She noted his frown. She bet his mind went straight to Maia. Towhee could certainly be selfish but she hadn't forgotten about their relationship—far from it; she'd actually given it a lot of thought since talking to Wraen—and had no intention of cock-blocking the caretaker.
"You can go visit your GF," the Sovereign assured with a wave of her paw, "and after the pups are born, you should go be with her. The fen really isn't that far. And speaking of fens, we've got Fen... well, sometimes." Once more, her lips arched into a tiny smile. It didn't reach her eyes. She meant what she said, though it really would be the Redhawks' loss.
RE: Fire away, fire away. - Eljay - March 10, 2021
When Towhee said that he could visit his girlfriend, Eljay felt his cheeks flush. He wasn't too sure that she was his girlfriend, even though he definitely felt like they were boyfriend-and-girlfriend — or, well, had been — and to hear someone else acknowledge it like that somehow made him a little shy. Towhee then proceeded to tell him that he should go to her in the Fen after the pups were born. That he should... move there? Was that what she was saying?
Eljay blinked in surprise. Again he found himself a little hurt, but this time with the ease with which he was dismissed. And again he berated himself for those feelings, because just like the ones he'd felt when he found out about the pregnancy, he was pretty sure they were completely ridiculous and he simply shouldn't be feeling them. Now he just needed to tell them that.
Oh, well,Eljay said, still a little flustered.
I don't... We kind of had a..Was it a fight, really? But what better word for it was there? Eljay took a deep breath and continued.
.. something that happened. Maia came over to ask me to move to the Fen, but it sounded like... As if she didn't want to be with me anymore if I didn't. It was a question, but also kind of not?Eljay looked at Towhee to see if she understood what he meant.
And I said it was a lot to ask and I needed time. I wanted to ask her if she would ever live in Redhawk Caldera with me, or well, if that meant that she never wanted that. But we didn't really get there, because when I asked her for time she just seemed to get really sad, and then in the end she ran off.Oh, he remembered that bitter sting of rejection so well; it had felt as if she was not just leaving, but leaving. He sighed and added,
It was just in the middle of everything, too.He liked to think that he would've done better if he hadn't been stressed and tired from taking care of Niamh and Towhee.
He opened his mouth as he hesitated to share his fear of losing Maia with Towhee, and his desire to just say yes to anything she wanted because he knew he would lose her otherwise; but then decided he'd said enough, for now, and waited to hear what she might say instead.
RE: Fire away, fire away. - Towhee - March 10, 2021
It took her by surprise, a little, when Eljay confessed to her. Towhee listened raptly, as if she hadn't already heard all this secondhand. "I'll talk to him next time I see him, feel out his side of the situation," she'd told Wraen. She'd sort of skipped a few steps there, though Eljay retraced them now, detailing his lovers' quarrel.
"It sounds like a communication breakdown," Towhee replied with a frown when he was through, "and bad timing." She paused before saying anything else, easing herself through another surge of anger. Had anyone escaped Niamh's and Reyes's blast zone unscathed?
The silence stretched for a few more beats before she broke it again to ask, "Nothing that can't be fixed. Look, I get it. I'm attached to this place too. But ground is just ground. If you want to be with Maia and she wants to be at the fen, then... why not? If you guys want to start a family, that's probably a better place to do it too," Towhee mentioned. "And, I mean, you can always visit. It's not like if you go with her, you can never come back again."
Do as I say, not as I do, she found herself thinking as she inevitably compared his relationship to her own. It was moot, considering the circumstances of Reyes's departure from the caldera, but if he'd left voluntarily, Towhee absolutely would've picked the caldera over him. Or maybe she only felt that way now, in hindsight. She recalled how whipped she'd been, with a clarity that now made her sick to her stomach. But she would swear up and down she hadn't been in love, which probably made all the difference in situations like these.
RE: Fire away, fire away. - Eljay - March 10, 2021
Well, Eljay had gotten about as far as Towhee that it was a communication error and that the timing was awful. But he was trying to get to the next step, the one where he was trying not to lose Maia. He was about to speak again when finally Towhee continued talking to add more.
It made sense in a way, though there was a flaw in the logic in that it felt again as if his feelings didn't matter as much as Maia's. It had always felt as if everybody else's feelings mattered more than his, his entire life, as he had always put his own aside for everybody else. He didn't understand what had changed; why had it suddenly become so hard to be that way? Why couldn't he just go back to being selfless? Why'd he suddenly found confidence laying on the floor someplace, the confidence and audacity to speak out that he wanted others to think of his feelings, too?
Or... at least to think about that. He hadn't dared say it out loud yet.
Eljay frowned as he looked at his paws. He said,
I just always pictured our children growing up at the Blackthorn den. I mean, I also considered the other thing, right? I did think about it. I did think that Fennec could... And...He sighed again as he tried to gather his thoughts and pinpoint what precisely didn't sit right with him.
Well, she just said it as if she couldn't live any other way. I just hoped she'd...Eljay paused briefly.
I thought she'd ask me, and we would talk about it. Like — Together.Now it just felt as if it was a choice that was fully up to him, ball in his court and all that, rather than decision that they both had a share in, a choice they would make together.
RE: Fire away, fire away. - Towhee - March 10, 2021
She abruptly thought of Wraen dismissing her concerns about surnames. Had she just done the the very same thing to Eljay? Before Towhee could contemplate it much further, he confirmed her suspicions. But it turned out that the specific location wasn't the only sticking point for him. It was the fact that everyone—Towhee included—seemed to give Maia's preferences more weight, when it should be an equal and mutual decision.
"There's no wrong answer here and you don't even have to answer out loud," came the Sovereign's reply, "but what's more important to you: raising a family here or raising a family with Maia?" She licked her lips. "Life is about choices and compromises. It's okay to have deal-breakers. If it's more important for you to have a family here than it is with Maia specifically, that's valid," Towhee added, aware of how blunt and perhaps heartless that sounded.
"But then there's logistics, to complicate matters," she continued after a pause, "like can we actually support another litter here? I don't mean to shit all over your dreams, Eljay, but the reality is we may not be able to support another, at least this year." And that was all a giant gamble anyway... like much of life, she supposed.
RE: Fire away, fire away. - Eljay - March 10, 2021
Eljay nodded at Towhee's words. She was totally right. And he had thought of those things a lot. Even Weejay had mentioned them a lot. That he might have to make that choice sooner or later. It just hurt that he was making it alone, rather than with Maia. And it hurt that by Towhee's own logic to Maia, it wasn't about having a family with him. It was about having a family at the Fen. And that stung, because he had hoped that for both of them, those things were at the very least equal.
Yeah, I know. I just hoped that...He sighed as he tried to explain, then shook his head in a 'never mind' kind of gesture.
Towhee spoke again, and this time she said something that struck a whole different chord. He had been sad about what she said about Maia before, but now... Now, it was about him and his children. It had stung Eljay that Towhee hadn't even told him about her pregnancy, and it had stung him that she hadn't even stopped to consider that he might want pups with Maia.
Now though, it seemed that not only that was the case, but she also felt that at this point, they couldn't support another litter. That if he wanted it, Redhawk Caldera might not be the place for him.
That she might tell him 'no', if he asked.
Eljay swallowed thickly at that, and he tried to process everything. He tried to process the anger this made him feel. He was never angry, but now, he felt it well up in his stomach. He couldn't express it in any constructive, helpful way, but it was there, simmering, snapping about itself.
So... If I would ask you for permission to start a family here...He looked at Towhee, his expression hard to read, neutral, a little distant even; not much like his usual sensitive, soft and expressive self.
I couldn't...?
Well, then. That made the choice a lot easier, he thought bitterly to himself.
RE: Fire away, fire away. - Towhee - March 10, 2021
Something she said seemed to trigger him, his demeanor shifting subtly but suddenly. He asked her, point blank, if she would refuse him should he ask. Her lips parted as she contemplated how to answer what was a very complicated and emotionally loaded question, especially now. After all, the leaders were given preference over anyone else—and for all his dedication, he wasn't part of her Council—but then Towhee wasn't sure Niamh was fit to be a leader. It wasn't as if Towhee could renege her blessing now though. They were both due in just a few weeks, with Towhee's own good fortune possibly spelling Eljay's misfortune.
Her brow scrunched and she lifted a paw to rub at the pinched skin between her eyes. "It's not that I don't want to give you permission, Eljay, it's just that I don't know if we'll have the resources here. Any pups we bring into this world deserve the best possible chances, right? That's why I think the fen may be a better option." She almost mentioned the idea of a spin-off pack but this conversation felt too heavy for an off-the-cuff idea like that, when part of this issue was Eljay wasn't the leader type. "It's about logistics, not feelings," she concluded, letting out a breath and pulling her paw away to give him a look that could only be called apologetic.
She almost voiced her uncharitable thoughts about Niamh, though she managed to keep her trap shut. She'd already unloaded too much of that on Wraen. Besides, there was nothing she could do. There really was no going back now. Towhee could've solved everyone's problems by eating Niamh's children, except they weren't just Niamh's. They were Phox's too. And hers. Fuck, why was everything so complicated?
RE: Fire away, fire away. - Eljay - March 10, 2021
She was right, of course. It wouldn't be fair for the children to add more, and he knew that. But he couldn't help but feel overlooked. They had children last year, every year. He'd had children once, in a pack that his mate had founded. This pack. He should've been given thought. He was so tired of always being overlooked.
You are right,he said slowly, and shook his head.
It's about logistics, not feelings.
He couldn't help but think that's easy to say when it isn't your feelings or your children.
I gotta go. Don't worry, I won't go far,he said. The bitterness was shown on his face, and Eljay made to leave, because he couldn't deal with his anger in front of Towhee right now and he especially couldn't share all of his darkest, deepest feelings with her.
RE: Fire away, fire away. - Towhee - March 10, 2021
He agreed with her, though Towhee wondered if it was really that simple. Not a chance, she thought, though she said nothing. A moment later, Eljay declared that he needed to go, promising not to go far. She knew she should let him, though before she even realized what was happening, she felt words springing off her tongue.
"I need to find a den," she blurted at his back, "and I'd be happy to use the Blackthorn one, if..." Even as she said the words, Towhee realized she was putting her foot in her mouth in a huge way. "Unless you'd rather reserve it," she said hastily, suddenly feeling like the world's biggest asshole. "But these kids and me, we could use someplace..." Because she would never set foot near that cave again.
She was sitting, so she placed a paw on her belly. Since the miscarriage, it had lost some of its heft. But they kicked away, like usual, and Towhee let out a sigh. Their biological father may very well not be in the picture anymore. There was still Phox but he had his babies with Niamh to consider. And right now, Towhee wanted nothing to do with her, which forced a chasm between her brother and those babies too. She had no idea if it would resolve by the time they all got here.
"I'm sorry, I know I'm being a selfish dick," Towhee murmured, not even sure if Eljay had stopped to listen, as she was now gazing down at her own belly, "but we need you."
RE: Fire away, fire away. - Eljay - March 10, 2021
At first, it seemed as if Eljay was free to go and could leave in peace to be angry somewhere else. But before he could be truly away, Towhee called after him. He stopped in his tracks. She needed to find a den. He bit back the urge to say 'yeah, you do', and knew that it was on him, too. Towhee was going through a lot, after all. She deserved his dedication and care, even if he was upset with her right now.
Moments after saying that it wouldn't be fair for him to have kids here, Towhee asked him if she could use the Blackthorn den. There was something bittersweet about this; on the one hand, it was like rubbing salt in his wounds. Even Towhee seemed to notice that. On the other hand, if he wasn't going to use it, then it might as well be someone of the family.
The Blackthorns had served the Redhawks for many years. Since before Eljay was born. What could he do but set aside his own feelings once more, give Towhee what she needed? What her pups needed?
Eljay half turned around to look over his shoulder.
Yeah, of course,he said eventually.
You are welcome to it. Do you want to go there now?He was smiling, but it wasn't a well meant smile. He felt torn apart and broken. He couldn't believe how selfish everyone around him was, but moreover, he couldn't believe how little they felt he deserved.
At least it became clearer and clearer what he had to do.
Redhawk Caldera's shine was slowly beginning to wear off.
RE: Fire away, fire away. - Towhee - March 10, 2021
When she dragged her eyes up to look at him, Eljay was smiling at her. She was too relieved to notice something off about it. She let out another sigh, this time of relief. She really thought she'd fucked up by pitching the idea, though maybe it really did make him happy despite everything else. Towhee knew Eljay was selfless that way.
That thought right there triggered a sudden misgiving. So when he offered to go right now, she said, "Nah, you go see Maia." She ran her tongue over her teeth before thoughtfully adding, "Or, you know, whatever else you want to do."
RE: Fire away, fire away. - Eljay - March 10, 2021
He hadn't been exactly on his way to go see Maia -- another sensitive subject right now, considering how full blown his anxiety to leave the territory had returned since the Moonspear incident -- but he nodded anyway when Towhee excused him and said he could go do whatever he wanted.
Probably stress chew on a tree or something.
I'll get the den ready for you guys,he said with a nod.
Catch you later.As he walked away, though, Eljay's anger returned. He wasn't sure what to do with it, still; he'd never been a particularly angry guy at all, so most of this was all new to him.
After leaving Towhee, Eljay wandered around the territory. When that didn't quench the fuel running through his veins he tried his hand at fishing, but found his patience had run thin and he couldn't manage to find anything. Eventually he tried chewing on a stick, which only helped to some degree.
Then he started to head down to the borders to look out over the lands beyond, filled with bitter frustration, but a few steps closer to his decision.