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+--- Thread: Cassiopeia's View Been underestimated my entire life (/showthread.php?tid=47959)
Been underestimated my entire life - Maia - July 09, 2021
specifically for @Ukulele! Sorry this took a bit <3
It had been months since Maia left the territory, but after letting @Eljay know that she wanted to go for a walk, Maia left the kids under his capable care and took the opportunity to get a little space from the pack entirely.
The forest was still home and she loved it dearly, but the entire place was a reminder of everything she'd lost. In every tree she saw dragons, fairies, and the magic she and Wraen had once spoken about. Around every bend she expected to see her sister waiting, with that familiar smile, ready for a game or a poem.
Maybe she shouldn't try to hide that as much as she did, but she couldn't help it. Leaving felt like avoiding, but it also felt, for the first time in a while, like some of that weight was lifted.
She couldn't stay out long. Sylvie and Hymnal still needed her for food and the rest of them... she missed them, even being away only this long. But she sat down with a sigh and, just for a little while, enjoyed the wind blowing through and the view of the late-afternoon sun over the land stretching out below. Even in the lower mountains, it was beautiful.
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Ukulele - July 10, 2021
Lele had remained on the coast for the next two or three weeks after she had arrived there - scavenging along the coast and swimming frequently. Whether it was the saltwater or the general positive vibe she felt at Ankyra sound, her wounds on her body and face had healed. So had her soul - far from whole, but she finally felt ready to pick up the shatted pieces and put them together again. The heartbreak and disappointment was still there, but now - rather than them two being two big, dark and swollen clouds looming over her - she could now see the silver lining too.
She was going to be fine. No matter, how much time it took heal.
With this thought in mind she bid farewell to her resort and took a path that led her further inland, a valley between two mountains, plentiful meadows and forests along the edges. Lele preferred to make most of her journey with yet undetermined destination during early hours of the morning and those last hours before the nightfall, wisely choosing to sleep off the hottest part of the day somewhere in a shade or near waters. When "tired" of sleeping, she would take a swim in a nearby lake, attempt to dive and simply enjoy the lightweight feel of water carrying and cradling her body. She discovered that even if she let herself sink, after a while she would float back up to the surface.
It was nice to simply be and enjoy the simple things in life - like the fact that even at three years old there were still things that would make her wonder, have an opportunity to surprise her. Perhaps, it was her mind creating memories that weren't there, but Lele thought that Tambourine had been the same. Eternally amazed by the world, even if he had seen much of it already. She wondered idly, where could he be now, but did not dwell too much of it - after all in a wolf's world people coming and going is a routine thing. When you are a nomad and freedom is at the forefront, you try not to get too attached to a person, nor do you attempt to keep the tied to you. You live with an expectation that one day they will leave, because there will be a new, undiscovered path to tread.
And her first go at being just like everyone else - settled down in one place, having a family - had failed miserably, simply proving to her that she was not cut out for a life like that. Serious attachment brought nothing but pain and hurt. It was the scent of another wolf nearby that brought Lele out of her contemplation and surprised she found that in her daydreamlike wander, she had taken a small mountain path. Eager to see, what the view was up from above, she continued her path, hoping that, whoever was at the end of it, was not hostile and would pay no mind to the loner.
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Maia - July 11, 2021
Someone was coming. At first Maia didn't mind. She loved company, after all! And she wouldn't be staying too much longer, despite the beauty of the view. But after a few seconds ticked by she began to get a little nervous as the realization sank in that she was cornered up here. If they weren't friendly she had nowhere to go.
That thought brought her to her paws and she was just turning around when Ukulele came into view.
Heya! You, ah, need something?She took a step away from the edge, then sat down again, facing away from the view and towards the stranger. They looked nice enough.
I'm Maia. I'm just here kinda enjoying the view, but I can go, I mean... if you want.
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Ukulele - July 11, 2021
Lucky for Maia Lele was not the Big Bad Wolf doing villainry since Medieval times. Deep in her own thoughts, she paid the stranger attention only, when she addressed her. For a moment there, she stared back in surprised silence, then managed to wag her tail and pull her lips in a polite smile. At the first glance the other girl seemed friendly enough and the loner decided that sharing company with her wouldn't be much of a trouble. And it if turned out to be - either of them could leave.
"No, not really," she shook her head in response. "I came to see the view myself," she told, walking over to the edge and peered first down then at the surroundings. "Lele, nice to meet you!" she introduced herself and with a dip of her muzzle.
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Maia - July 11, 2021
She felt a small wave of relief when the stranger didn't seem to mind her staying. As soon as she left she'd have no real excuse not to go straight home, and she wasn't ready quite yet.
Nice to meet you too, Lele.She answered, smiling.
It's really beautiful, isn't it?
She stayed off to the side so she wasn't crowding Lele, but turned back towards the cliff and the scene beyond it.
Easier to think up here, away from everything.
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Ukulele - July 17, 2021
"It really is," Lele agreed, while stepping back gingerly from the edge, not wishing to reveal that she was a tad bit wary from the heights. The train of thought about "what if..." was not very pleasant and she pushed it to the furthest corners of her mind, hopefully not to think about it ever again.
"Are you on the run from something?" she asked in a way that expressed polite curiousity, but did not put much pressure on, whether the answer had to be truthful. A simple "Yes" and "No" would suffice too.
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Maia - July 25, 2021
Maia was quiet for a moment after Ukulele asked that. She didn't mean to let the silence stretch, the question was just unexpected. And even more unexpected was the way it hit her. Her knee-jerk response would have been 'no' and that she was just here to enjoy the sunset. That wasn't true, though.
Maia felt her chest constrict and her thoughts immediately turned towards Eljay. She wasn't running away from him! She felt guilty, honestly, that she was even considering answering this stranger with things she hadn't brought up to him. It wasn't lying but it was too. It was horrible. She was horrible.
Sorry,she answered, turning away. Probably the other girl would hear the tears easily enough anyway now that they were starting, so maybe she shouldn't have bothered. She was so tired of crying, but she couldn't seem to stop, and it always came without warning now.
It's stupid. I'm not, not really, I just needed a break. Everything back home is just a lot. Sorry.
Two times apologizing for nothing. This girl was probably going to think she was crazy, the way she was carrying on like this. Maia swallowed and ducked her head, then put on a slightly sheepish smile.
Why are you here? Do you have family nearby?
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Ukulele - August 01, 2021
Lele did not think that Maia was crazy - who was she to judge anyone for having their plate full? If a person felt need to cry - any reason was good for it. Therefore she watched the other girl patiently, felt an urge to reach out and hug her, and only because they were two strangers that had just met, she stayed put and offered her full attention - a form of calm and quiet support to the one, who was struggling.
"I am a nomad," she replied, looking away from Maia and then out to the view before her. "I have no family nearby and those, who I had, I have no idea, if they are still alive," she explained and found that oddly enough this did not bother her much. Even if it turned out that Harps and Tambourine had died, she would be a little sad for their passing, but not overly mournful. People came and people left - that was simply, how life was.
"What is that "a lot" that's weighing you down?" she asked next. "I have found that sometimes problems in one's head tend to inflate way bigger than they actually are. Talking helps to put things in order," she suggested and Maia may take this advice or leave it. "Even better, if it is a stranger."
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Maia - August 16, 2021
Oh, I'm... wow. Sorry.It didn't sound like she was upset about it but that sounded like something some wolves wouldn't have wanted to share with a stranger. Of course family stuff was going to be loaded! She should know better than that by now. Maia only kicked herself for a second, though, because she really could relate. She had Eljay here, and Brecheliant was becoming more like family every day. But she couldn't help thinking of her siblings and how far away they seemed now.
She didn't know if she wanted to share it. Ukulele didn't deserve to have her day ruined with a whole big dumping of bad from a random stranger. Maia took a couple steps closer and sat down, looking off as well, a little more at ease now that she'd proven she was friendly company. And, even though she opened her mouth to say no, she found she couldn't resist talking instead.
I have kids at home. Two with my mate and three whose mom died. She was my brother's daughter.Maia looked down, thinking about Terance.
We love them, and I would never think of letting them go anywhere else. But I think I'm messing it up. They're having such a hard time with it and I don't know how to help.Just like always, as she got lost in the recounting of everything, her voice began to get more and more emotionally rushed.
I want to be there for them, and for Eljay, but I don't know what to do. And normally I'd talk to my sister, but... sh...she's gone.Her eyes filled up with tears and she had to stop to try and control it before she just dissolved completely in front of this poor, nice wolf.
Oh gosh, she should run for the hills. This was so awkward. Why did she do that? Why the heck did she do that?
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Ukulele - August 16, 2021
Lele shrugged in response to Maia's sympathy. Life was, what it was, and there was very little she could do about it. She did wonder sometimes if losing some friends and family members meant that there was room for new people to let in, but, though it sounded practical in theory, in real life... once you lost a friend, you simply got lonelier.
Therefore it was a relief that she could focus on someone else's problems and not the occasionally overwhelmingly empty feeling in her heart that she had learned to ignore and look past on daily basis. Children did sound like a lot, but something about in Maia's admittance of her failures as a mom made her think back to Larkspur. As flawed and cruel parent she had been, Lele had come to a rather compassionate conclusion that her mom was not a bad person per se. Just unfit. Just managing things in a way that worked for her. There was a slight chance that she could have been the right parent for a very particular character type.
"You can't be right for everyone," she remarked. "Just because you fail to connect with someone doesn't mean there is fault in you. Or the other person. It's just not meant to be," she said.
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Maia - August 24, 2021
Maia wasn't really expecting this wolf to give her any answers, but it was hard not to hope for an easy solution to it all. Of course, it was wishful thinking that something like that would even exist. If sometimes it wasn't meant to be, that didn't mean she should just give up, did it? Maybe she wasn't cut out to be a mom, but she was all they had.
Yeah. It's probably... it's pretty dumb, I guess. I don't want to replace her. I just... I don't know.She sighed.
They don't have anyone else.
She was right that it wasn't her fault, but Maia still couldn't help but beat herself up over it. Maybe some part of this would stick though and, next time, she'd realize there wasn't anything she could do about it outside simply trying her best.
Do you have any? Um, kids, I mean?She seemed like she wasn't that far from Maia's age, but she was also alone. Which meant they would have to be either grown up or somewhere else.
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Ukulele - September 10, 2021
"Do your best and leave everything else for them to figure out," Lele replied, thinking briefly about Larkspur and what her role had been in her life. She had not attempted to replace anyone. Not even pretended to do so and yet for a long time Lele had seen her as a mother figure, because that was, how families in the traditional sense worked? And if only she loved her step-mom enough, she would change. She had never asked, but - perhaps - Tambourine had believed in this too. That and the fear of abandonment.
"No, I do not have any children," she shook her head, though she wished to have them just to prove that there was so much in her to give and to remedy every piece of neglect and abuse she had ever suffered from Larkspur. But then... it often occurred to her - was her wish to battle and win demons of her past the right motivation to bring children in this world? Just the same way as having a relationship for fear of being on her own? The latter had applied to her father - as more years passed, she saw it more clearly. He had stuck with a person, who had made his life miserable, as long as he had, because the alternative had been worse. Messed up, really.
But it seemed that those with better backgrounds (Maia had not said a word about this, but she assumed) did not have it any easier in life. "You live nearby?" she asked.
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Maia - September 17, 2021
It was weird because normally Maia would be totally fine with that. It bothered her a lot when someone didn't seem to like her, sure, but that was also totally their problem. She kinda got that? At least, if she'd tried to be nice initially. With the kids it was completely different, though, and she couldn't help making arguments against it.
She totally wasn't their mom but someone had to try. Maybe she just didn't need to try super duper hard.
It's really hard.She said, without looking at Ukulele.
I'll try that. I'm still glad though. Not, Y'know... just that we have them.She knew what she meant, yeah?
Anyway, yeah, enough of all that. She barely knew this girl and already she was a terrible, sad mom who couldn't handle anything. Not a great first look!
Yeah! Not far.Maia replied, obviously brighter and with a (maybe too strong) cheerfulness to it.
Our pack lives in the enchanted forest of Brecheliant. It's a place of a million stories.Imagine, having time to tell so many. It would be seriously cool, and Maia bet that she could do it if she tried. There were so many places she hadn't even touched yet.
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Ukulele - September 17, 2021
Lele did not mind Maia being honest about hardships of parenthood. She would have been more skeptical, if this stranger had bounded at her with over-flowing optimism about all the pros and that everyone should try it out and enjoy being a mom to a litter of youngsters. The more, the merrier. Somehow it was easier for her to believe a person, if they told about difficulties in life, though she was well aware of that skillful liars could spin the story whichever way they needed and wanted it to go.
"Enchanted forest and million stories," she repeated the flashy introductory phrases, observing, how way more cheerful it was for her companion to discuss home as a beautiful frame and background, leaving the contents out. "Do tell more," she asked with an amused, but good-natured smile.
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Maia - October 09, 2021
It was tempting to talk about how she and Wraen had found and named it together, creating the world, but Maia couldn't yet. The words were on the tip of her tongue and then died there, shriveling up as grief struck like a knife again. Not yet.
The first thing you have to deal with is the gate guardians. But if you tell them a joke that can make you laugh, they'll let you pass.Maia said, regaining her faltering smile as she imagined what she talked about.
They are big and tall as trees, with branches too, so you can barely tell them apart. But they'll shake their branches if they approve.A tree chorus of laughter. She liked the thought of it. It almost could make a forest feel less lonely even if you were completely alone.
Then there's the dragons. For those it takes a special taming, and a story grand enough to earn their respect. You just have to make yourself seem as impressive as you can. They don't mind lies as long as the story is good.Stories were all kind of lies anyway, but in the best way.
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Ukulele - October 16, 2021
"Right," Lele replied, when Maia had finished describing, who could get a pass in the Enchanted forest of hers. While her imagination was not strong enough to see the same mental picture that her companion did before her eyes, she thought that a lighhearted description like this meant that pack consisted of good people. And if she ever decided to settle down again - it would be worth paying a visit there.
"What about people, who are not good at story-telling?" she asked, because she had seen a lot and been to places in her life, but she lacked the craft of putting those visual memories in words that would amaze people.
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Maia - November 11, 2021
I guess, in that case, it's good to have friends.Maia said with a smile, though it felt like it was a little forward of a thing to say. I mean, they weren't not friends, and she'd kinda spilled her life to her already. Kinda. So Maia would be more than happy to tell any dragon a story for her if that was something she didn't like doing.
The idea was always a little wild to her, though. She couldn't imagine living a life without stories or imagination to keep her company.
But honestly, the stories don't have to be good. Just distracting.She looked at Ukulele curiously, but held back her question. She really wanted to know if a) the girl was talking about herself and b) she didn't like telling them or just didn't feel like she could. Because that last thing was so, so fixable!
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Ukulele - November 13, 2021
Friends within the group or was something else meant by that? Lele decided not to ask, thinking that it would appear as if she was asking questions for the sake of asking questions, not that she cared about the answer. Surprisingly, though this conversation had started that way, few exchanges in she found she liked Maia. She did not seem to have a single bad bone in her, based on the fact that she did not hide her vulnerability from people. There was always that small chance that she was a high-functioning psychopath playing her for the kicks of it. It did not feel likely.
"I have been to many places in my life, seen a lot, but I do not have the craft in words to give the scope of, what it was like," she told. "Words do not give it justice. I think that it is better to experience it yourself than make assumptions that might be far from truth."
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Maia - November 26, 2021
Wait.... really? Now Maia was fully distracted and pulled into this conversation. That was totally not true.
Stories aren't about that! They don't, like, replace going places. I mean, I guess they can, but that's definitely not why I tell them! It's more about just kind of sharing.
It was clear that Maia was having to think pretty hard to put into words, herself, what she meant. But she was passionate about stories and that interest absorbed her for a moment, lighting her up.
If you visit a place, you get your own idea of it. But if I tell you a story, I can tell you my idea about it. And you can kind of feel how I feel. Like to someone else, this is just a cliff. But if I tell a story about how peaceful the air is, or how being here reminds me of my mom, you learn things.
She realized she had kind of gone on a big share then and burned a little under her fur.
Sorry.Hopefully that wasn't too much. She didn't really want to like, lecture her or anything.
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Ukulele - November 28, 2021
Lele did not understand everything Maia had told her about the story-telling, but she kept herself quiet to let her companion vent about, what she clearly cared about very much. All she could say was that: "I am not sure I completely agree with you." For a person, who was not very gifted with imagination, stories did not hold particular interest. There had been a time in her childhood, when that had come easily, but now words simply did not inspire her.
She could have told this to Maia, but she felt that for a creative mind it was impossible to comprehend, what it meant not to be such. Lele definitely did not want to get in an argument, where she had to defend her position or find an explanation, why was she different in this aspect.
She let the silence fall between them, observing the scenery beyond the cliff edge.
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Maia - December 14, 2021
Maia is always my hardest character to write when I'm stressed XD <3 ty for your patience. Writing her like that always feels out of character
Ukulele didn't elaborate beyond disagreeing and Maia was left a little without words herself. There was a small part of her that wanted to push the issue because she wanted to make the other girl understand her. Maybe she just wasn't explaining it right? But there wasn't a whole lot of interest in the tone of the shut-down and Maia guessed she was kind of bored with the topic. Your whole monologue probably didn't help. Nice job.
She let the silence hang, but for Maia, it was kind of an awkward one and got worse the longer she sat in it. The only time she didn't really try to nervously fill the silence was with Eljay. Finally, she couldn't help it.
If you didn't tell stories, or I guess don't, what do you do? For fun, I mean.
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Ukulele - January 02, 2022
"There is not much fun, when you are out on your own in the wilderness doing your best to survive," Lele replied with a shrug. It occurred to her that it might have sounded as if she was belittling the very idea of fun, which was not true. She had simply stated the facts of her life at present moment. She lived one day at a time, going through a list of routine things in order to keep painful memories at bay. Her goal was to find a way to move forward.
"I did not mean to sound insulting - it is just I feel that we come from different places in life. And it is difficult to discuss some subjects on... equal grounds," she apologized. With this it felt that she had effectively extinguished any other topics of conversation, therefore she got to her feet, stretched and was preparing to leave.
RE: Been underestimated my entire life - Maia - January 05, 2022
Oh. She felt a bit better after Ukulele clarified that she didn't mean anything by it, but it was still a harsh reminder (to her, at least) that the things she loved weren't seen as "serious" to most other wolves. She didn't blame her for that but the conversation definitely ground to an awkward halt after that.
See ya,she finished as the other woman left, drooping a bit only after she'd left the vicinity. She'd gotten comfortable with the idea that everyone here would be more like her and see the joy in those sorts of things, but she shouldn't have. That one was definitely on her.