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+--- Thread: Broken Antler Fen I know it feels like I have let you down (/showthread.php?tid=48277)
I know it feels like I have let you down - Maia - August 16, 2021
Maia was relieved now that she no longer was considered a leader here. She didn't walk the borders much and instead stuck around home most of the time, drawing the kids into games and keeping an eye on them as they grew. Ibis' were getting to the point where they were old enough to wander on their own within the territory, but there were still dangers out there. She remembered how her own dad had taught her those things... and she began to plan on how to go over it with them.
With @Diantha, though, Maia couldn't help but feel like a failure. It didn't matter how much she tried to connect with the girl, nothing worked, but she kept trying despite the hurt that grew every time she was rejected. You aren't just doing this for you, Maia. Besides, if she wasn't doing a good job, maybe she didn't deserve to have that acceptance out the gate. She kept the hurt hidden, buried under smiles and careful affection.
Eljay had told her about the girl's wandering though, and she noticed it too. It was fine then, wasn't it? They couldn't very well tie her in the cave, so it would be better instead to show her what to be careful of so nothing happened.
Diantha?Maia called for her, hoping to grab a moment of her time for a walk while the other kids were currently occupied.
RE: I know it feels like I have let you down - Diantha - August 16, 2021
*rubs hands together*
Diantha groaned and rolled her eyes when she heard Maia calling for her. She was nearby enough to hear it, and she thought maybe she could sneak off before her fake mom spotted her, but it was too late.
Yeah? What is it?she asked. At least now that she was older, Diantha had been given more freedom, but she still felt tethered here. Once she was old enough, she just knew she was going to get out of dodge. Maybe Jasmine and Roswell liked it here, being coddled by fake parents, but Diantha had other plans. Not that she was going to tell anybody. If she did that, she just knew that Maia and Eljay would get all weepy and concerned and try and stop her from leaving.
RE: I know it feels like I have let you down - Maia - August 19, 2021
This was already going great, wasn't it? Maia tried not to wince at the tone, but she was still optimistic about her chances. She'd loved going out and learning about things with her dad and, on the rarer occasion, her mom. Osprey hadn't been strong enough to do extended travel but she'd had so many good things to tell about, Maia hardly noticed that their time tended to be spent closer to home and stationary.
I thought we could take a walk today, maybe a little past the borders?She smiled, waiting with silently caught breath and hoping the reaction would be more positive than negative.
RE: I know it feels like I have let you down - Diantha - August 19, 2021
she has awful thoughts.
Ugh, family time. More like "family" time. Diantha knew that if her real mom had been here, she would have said yes. But Maia wasn't that, and she never would be.
Why?she asked. Maybe Maia was finally going to leave her out on her own, just like she'd always planned to do with the kids that weren't really hers. Diantha was the first, of course. She wasn't the perfect model child like she perceived Roswell and Jasmine to be. Maia was going to take her out past the borders and leave her there. Maybe her real dad would find her then.
RE: I know it feels like I have let you down - Maia - August 24, 2021
To talk, mostly. I wanted to show you some things.Maia couldn't have guessed at what she was thinking, and if she had she'd have been aghast to know it.
When I was younger, my parents used to take us on trips sometimes. My dad used to teach me about the stars, but his stories weren't nearly as good as mom's.She smiled, remembering how awkward he'd been about it too.
It really was too bad they'd never meet them, she thought with a pang.
RE: I know it feels like I have let you down - Diantha - August 29, 2021
Talking wasn't Diantha's strong suit. Listening wasn't, either. So when Maia suggested they walk and talk and show things, Diantha was already raising her defenses. And maybe she could have allowed things to progress, but the more Maia talked about her parents, the hotter Diantha's blood boiled.
You're not my parent!she yelled.
My mom is dead, and my dad is gone!
RE: I know it feels like I have let you down - Maia - August 29, 2021
Ouch. Diantha knew how to hit where it hurt, to her credit. Maia let it roll off but it settled in her along with about everything else lately. She didn't have the luxury to get mad, but that didn't mean she had to be a complete pushover.
Okay. We don't have to be.Maia could tell by now that Diantha wasn't drawn in by fake nice and she wasn't the type to avoid confrontation as much as Eljay did.
We can be whatever you want us to be for you, but we are going to be here no matter what. And we are going to love you no matter what. You aren't alone.
Maia glanced at her, but didn't make any moves towards her. Diantha had to decide what her boundaries were. She'd never hope to replace Ibis or Akavir, she just wanted to help patch over some of the holes they had left, best she could.
RE: I know it feels like I have let you down - Diantha - September 01, 2021
Diantha scowled at the diatribe Maia went on. All this talk of love, but how could Maia love her? How could anybody? Obviously her parents had not, or they would have been here, taking care of her. Maybe her dad had the right idea, taking off and getting away from these soft wolves who spoke of love and light and "everything's going to be fine." Nothing was fine, even if she wasn't alone.
That's what I want: to be alone,she said, scuffing the dirt with her front foot. It would be better that way. Then Maia and Eljay wouldn't have to keep lying to her, wouldn't have to keep pretending that they enjoyed her company.
RE: I know it feels like I have let you down - Maia - September 03, 2021
Maia wanted to move towards her but didn't.
Too bad.she responded to Diantha's proclamation. She didn't believe it, but she wouldn't argue with her about it outright.
You can choose how you act, but you don't get to choose how we feel or what we do.She didn't smile... was honestly pretty serious as she said it, for her.
Her voice got a little quieter, though, as she couldn't resist adding an additional note.
I don't think anyone wants that.She didnt. No one wanted to be alone, not from everyone. She needed someone, and if that someone couldn't be her or Eljay, then hopefully she would find someone else. Until that day she'd keep trying, regardless of how Diantha tried to push her away.
RE: I know it feels like I have let you down - Diantha - September 09, 2021
Diantha scowled, boring holes into the ground in front of her with her eyes. Once she was old enough, it wouldn't be "too bad" anymore. It would be "goodbye forever." She didn't need Maia, Eljay, her siblings, or anybody else. Diantha just needed herself. And to heck with whatever Maia thought anybody wanted or didn't want. Dia knew exactly what she wanted.
Whatever,she mumbled.
RE: I know it feels like I have let you down - Maia - September 11, 2021
It took every ounce of Maia's patience, but she let it roll. She didn't have the ability to respond with the patience Eljay seemed to naturally exude, but there was no way she'd ever take out her frustrations on any of her kids. Even the ones that didn't want the title.
Why do you hate it so much?She asked instead, straightforward. Hey, maybe she'd get no answer, but if Diantha was going to tell them to step off she could at least explain why. Right?
She'd almost said "us", but she couldn't bring herself to accuse Diantha of that. She didn't believe it - there was no way. She had a lot of reasons to hate other things but no reason to hate them.
RE: I know it feels like I have let you down - Diantha - October 13, 2021
"Why do you hate it so much?" Maia asked, and Diantha knew the answer immediately. Couldn't Maia see? But Diantha would not fall for the trick. She was not going to open up to Maia just because she asked a question.
I dunno,she said with a shrug, kicking another bout of dust.
RE: I know it feels like I have let you down - Maia - October 18, 2021
Well, at least that wasn't angry. Maia was out of her depths here. She didn't know enough about grief, or how children worked, to sort out what she was supposed to do to make Diantha feel better or to show her that Maia could be trusted.
It just seems like, with or without us, you aren't happy. That's all I want.
That was all that mattered, truly. Maia wasn't tied much at all to the idea of trying to be a stand-in mom if that wasn't what Diantha wanted. But hopefully, if she could sort out what she actually did want, she'd let them know.