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+--- Thread: Redhawk Caldera Circus minimus. (/showthread.php?tid=48611)
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Circus minimus. - Towhee - September 26, 2021
She's hoping to see @Fennec and @Killdeer but there's no obligations whatsoever. Anyone's welcome! :)
Towhee still didn't know where she'd gone wrong but after talking to Raven about it extensively, she reminded herself: it didn't matter, did it? She would still listen if Fennec told her, of course, but what really mattered was that she cared dearly for her daughter and just wanted to apologize and hopefully get back on good footing with one of the most important wolves in her life.
She managed to catch a lean rabbit, which she carried in her jaws as she made her way toward the place where Fennec and Killdeer kept house, presumably with Bronco now as well. When she arrived in the general vicinity, she stopped, placed the rabbit at her feet and woofed to announce her presence.
When her stomach churned a little, Towhee heard her older sister's voice in the back of her head, telling her to, "Count to ten, then backward. Take slow, deep breaths in through your nose. Fill your belly with air. Then breathe out through your mouth."
RE: Circus minimus. - Fennec - September 26, 2021
Fennec was glad to hear that Towhee was back and apparently feeling better, but in a way, it only reinforced and compounded the hurt she'd felt when her mom left. She still felt as though the reason her mom hadn't come to her was because she didn't want to see her, didn't want her help. Fennec didn't know why or what had changed either, but rather than asking, she bottled it up and ran with it.
Of course - she wants to see Killdeer, Fennec thought, a little acidic, but getting up from where she'd been resting. She contemplated not going out and just waiting until Towhee left, but without being able to admit it, she missed her. She wasn't ready, but it wasn't like things could get worse.
Fennec listened as she left and kept a bit of space between them, but sat down with a neutral look. Towhee sounded better. Of course. Miracle worker Raven.. Fuck, this was a mistake.
Killdeer isn't here,she said without much inflection. I'm glad you're back.. She wanted to say it, but selfish and petty hurt caught the words in her throat.
RE: Circus minimus. - Towhee - September 26, 2021
She got through two rounds of the breathing exercise by the time Fennec joined her. Although her stomach still felt a little fluttery, there was no discomfort. And though she knew Fen wouldn't see it, she managed a smile, despite sensing that her daughter wasn't entirely pleased to see her here.
She felt an echo of the old hurt, though Towhee gently set it aside. "Hey. I'm here to see you," she replied, though she always loved seeing her grandson too. She cherished that boy. "I came here to say I'm sorry. This is for you," Towhee added, bending to nose the slain rabbit toward Fen.
Sitting up again, she breathed in and out again before saying, "I'm gonna be honest, I'm not sure where exactly I went wrong. If you want to tell me, I'll listen. But the apology stands, either way." Towhee took a few more steadying breaths, wondering suddenly if it was particularly audible.
RE: Circus minimus. - Fennec - September 26, 2021
Fennec didn't initially know how to respond. There was nothing unfriendly about the way her mom approached her, but the fact that she couldn't understand why Fennec was upset frustrated her immensely. Mainly because she herself didn't fully comprehend it, and therefore explaining it was going to be a job and a half.
It was always easier to lash out. And while this was a habit she might eventually learn to grow out of, she still hadn't quite yet.
You don't have to do that. I know I'm a fucking screw up. That's why you went to Raven, right?Fennec stood up and took a few steps back.
Don't bother. You have other problems. I get it.
That wasn't what she wanted to say. She knew it as the words left her mouth, but she couldn't take them back. Her expression flickered with hurt, but regret wasn't going to help her now. Her mom wouldn't be able to help anyway, and in the end, maybe it was better if she did just keep Killdeer company. Fennec didn't like feeling this way, but it wasn't like she could force it to stop. She didn't even fully know what caused it.
RE: Circus minimus. - Towhee - September 26, 2021
Towhee had prepared herself in case Fennec reacted badly, especially since it always seemed to be the case with them lately. But instead of falling prey to bellyache or heartache, she quietly went through another round of her breathing exercises. She tried to keep in mind all the words of wisdom Raven had given her. Towhee didn't think she would ever quite achieve anything akin to zen, though the methods really did work better than she ever would've expected.
"I went to see Rave because I was having mental health issues," Towhee explained. "You could've helped me with the stomach issues but I needed to get away and talk to someone else about my—depression." She faltered slightly, if only because it still felt a little weird and vulnerable to admit that to herself, much less anyone else. But another few breaths and she felt steadier again.
"There is no part of me that thinks you're a screw-up, Fen," she continued, truly puzzled. What makes you think that? she almost asked, though instead, Towhee said, "I'm sorry I made you feel that way," because she had, by leaving. She could own that much. It had been necessary, yes, but she'd also recognized the selfishness in it from go.
But where had she gone wrong prior to that? "I definitely have plenty of those," Towhee acknowledged, "though I'm working on them. And when it comes to you, I don't know the meaning of 'don't bother.' I want to understand how I fucked up so I can, um, do better." She paused, clearly reflecting on something momentarily before finishing quietly, "I just want to put things right between us, Fen."
RE: Circus minimus. - Fennec - September 26, 2021
Depression. She'd known, of course, that something was wrong with her mom that went deeper. But hearing her say it made her feel worse because now it felt shitty, feeling this way. She was tempted to take her anger and go as a result. The struggle was evident from her expression and the way she hovered at a distance, unsure.
Fuck it. She'd always been a terrible person. Why stop now.
I had problems too. But no one seemed to care about those. And the one time you tried to help, you offered to take my kid, as if he wasn't the only good thing I had then. As if that was some kind of answer.What she needed, she couldn't say, but it wasn't that. Maybe a hug? Maybe just for someone to ask, to show any kind of concern for how she was holding up? Any sign that they recognized her world was falling apart with Bronco missing.
And then you just disappeared.This was the shittiest part. Maybe it wasn't her fault that she was depressed, but it wasn't Fennec's either. And it had hurt either way.
RE: Circus minimus. - Towhee - September 26, 2021
Although they weren't much use to her and Fennec couldn't possibly see them, Towhee pricked her ears as she gave her daughter her full attention. She recollected some more of Rave's sage advice, trying to listen objectively and do her damnedest to remain calm, quell any anger or defensiveness or other upset that resulted from the younger woman's words.
She didn't succeed entirely, though Towhee breathed steadily in and out as Fen told her where exactly where she'd gone wrong. Her stomach did lurch, though not for herself. The pain she felt was Fennec's. She thought she'd done her best to be there for her, though obviously she hadn't done a very good job. Towhee didn't know why that was and didn't bother examining it too closely, because she couldn't exactly go back and redo it.
She did vaguely remember sort of blurting out the first thing that had come to mind at the time, which had been an offer to take Killdeer off Fen's hands if she needed a break of her own. Towhee had meant well and she wished Fennec had seen that, though having gone through some pretty severe misery of her own, she knew it could be hard not to go worst case scenario in any given situation.
"I'm sorry," Towhee repeated sincerely, looking Fen in the eye even though she would never know. "Fuck, Fen, I'm sorry." She tried to step closer to her, broadcasting her movements by dragging her paws a little, giving her daughter an out if she didn't want it. But if she'd let it, all Towhee wanted to do was gather her in her arms.
RE: Circus minimus. - Fennec - September 27, 2021
It would have been hard for anyone to live up to what she felt she needed. Fennec had done the fennec thing - she'd run headlong into taking her feelings out on less productive spaces and given no sign that anyone needed to intervene otherwise. It wasn't rational to want more, or fair, but the past few months had ended up as too much and at the end of it all, she just wanted her mom. Pretty crap timing, since the situation ended with Towhee needing space from her.
She didn't move as Towhee closed in and gave her a hug. At first she barely responded, but after a moment, she melted into it and leaned in. Fuck, she'd needed this... so badly that she felt herself tearing up. She could get all the hugs she wanted from Killdeer, and she adored them, but it wasn't the same as this.
I'm really glad you're back.Finally she said it, her voice a tidge tight with emotion that Towhee might at least feel, even if she couldn't hear it.
RE: Circus minimus. - Towhee - September 27, 2021
Fennec went very still, which made Towhee hesitate. But when she didn't make any move to draw away, Towhee gingerly closed the gap and wound her forelegs around Fen's pale shoulders. Her daughter remained rather stiff at first, though that didn't stop her. By the time her cheek came to rest gently against Fennec's temple, she had begun to lean into it.
She would've sat there and held onto her indefinitely, though Towhee could feel the movement in Fen's skull as she spoke, so the Sovereign quickly pulled her head back to read her lips. It caught her by surprise when she saw moisture in Fen's eyes. With a small, snuffling sound, Towhee gripped Fennec tighter, now resting her chin over the slope of the woman's head.
"It's good to be back," she replied a beat later, just barely resisting the urge to rock Fennec. "I want to be here. I mean here, for you. I'm sorry I wasn't before. I'll do better," Towhee repeated her earlier words, with an apologetic little squeeze.
RE: Circus minimus. - Fennec - September 27, 2021
Fennec let the hug last longer than she normally would have, relishing the comfort of it in silence. But after a while she lifted her head and drew back a bit to speak.
I really did know you had... stuff.That was likely about as much of an apology as she'd get, though it was more of an admission. It was a comforting promise but she still wasn't entirely sure that was the whole root of her problem. Whatever the case, right now she was more than willing to drop everything she'd been weirdly hung up on and move forward.
And we wanted to tell you before, but Bronco and I, we made things official. So I guess that's latest news from me.For an announcement that should've had a lot of joy come with it, she was relatively low key. She did smile, though. Becoming mates had done a bit to alleviate her insecurities, but it was hard to deny that things had changed. If she had seen him at all, no doubt Towhee knew.
RE: Circus minimus. - Towhee - September 27, 2021
Eventually, Fennec slipped free from her grasp. Towhee let her forelegs drop back to the ground and gave her daughter her space, though she didn't go far. Although the Sovereign could've held onto her for hours, she was just as happy for the conversation, which couldn't happen if they were clutching at one another.
"Yeah, I had—I have—plenty of stuff. Probably always will," Towhee agreed with a dry laugh, before her lips twisted. "But that doesn't mean I don't have time for your stuff too. Your stuff is my stuff. I'm your mom," she pointed out with fondness.
She fell silent when Fennec shared the news about her relationship with Bronco. It wasn't particularly surprising, though no less delightful for that. There was, of course, a bit of a shadow over the entire thing. Did Fen know what had happened to him? Towhee wouldn't pry, though she did wonder.
"I'm happy for you guys," Towhee said earnestly. "Congratulations. I'd love to hear the deets, if you want to tell me about it." She paused before adding, "And that goes for anything, ever, really," just because she wanted to make sure Fennec knew that she wanted to be there for her always, even if she fumbled it sometimes.
RE: Circus minimus. - Fennec - September 27, 2021
She'd wanted to talk to her mom about this, in particular, for a long time. It was the thing that lately had been eating at her the most about their distance. She needed advice and, for once, fully intended to ask for it. Maybe Towhee didn't have the greatest track record when it came to mates but there was no one she trusted more to tell her like it was.
It was my idea.She started, sitting back and getting a little chagrined.
It wasn't exactly... good. I mean, he said yes, but I don't know how happy he was about it. I just couldn't deal with not knowing anymore. Especially since he was talking like he wasn't going to be able to stay. I get that he had reasons, but for me, there'd never be a reason good enough. So I told him either he agrees or we're done.
Fennec sighed, then shrugged, giving a half-hearted smirk.
What do you think? How bad did I fuck up?
RE: Circus minimus. - Towhee - September 27, 2021
The chagrined look on her daughter's face made Towhee squint speculatively, her eyes training on Fennec's lips as she explained, "It wasn't exactly... good." She slowly sucked a breath into her lungs, her curiosity absolutely piquing, especially when Fen made it sound like she'd given Bronco an ultimatum. Oh no. She had so many questions. She'd told herself she wouldn't pry but then Fennec wanted to know her opinion.
Her mouth opened, then closed. She wanted to tell Fen what she really thought but what if she upset her all over again? What if she ruined this tentative peace between them after mere minutes? Towhee recoiled at the thought, though she also hated the idea of sugarcoating anything. She was pretty sure Fennec in particular wouldn't appreciate that.
"I'm going to speak frankly," she said slowly, "but take what I say with a grain of salt, because I don't know any of the context about what's happened to Bronco." She paused. "You're both great and I honestly love the idea of you two together. Everything seemed pretty peachy before he left." Towhee paused again. "But he's not the same, is he? It's not the same."
RE: Circus minimus. - Fennec - September 28, 2021
No.Towhee probably needed to know what was going on. Honestly, Fennec probably should have told her sooner.
Don't... tell anyone, alright? Except if you have to. But he's convinced someone's after him, and that he can't fight them, so he was keeping us safe by leaving.Fennec's ears went back as she frowned. Here she could give the honesty she couldn't give Bronco.
So, what? Was he just willing to run forever? What kind of a coward does that to his own family?It was so harsh. She hated that she felt that way, but she couldn't feel otherwise. Bronco's aversion to the fight would forever be incomprehensible to her.
It's just... it feels so weird, now. He used to be so there, and now he's not. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know if there's anything I even can do. Maybe I should have just let him go.Maybe, if she had, he'd have come to it on his own. Maybe now he just resented her for forcing him to make the choice when she needed it, and as a result, she'd ruined their chance to have anything real.
It had only been a few weeks, but she hadn't figured out how to talk things out yet, and as a result it was too easy to catastrophize over the way nothing might ever change for the better.
RE: Circus minimus. - Towhee - September 28, 2021
She respected Bronco's privacy and didn't want to push Fennec to spill to her, though Towhee would be lying if she said she didn't hang onto her daughter's every word as she explained what had happened. By the time Fen finished, her mouth was hanging open. It didn't make any sense, not with what she knew about Bronco. And she liked to think she knew him pretty well.
Towhee didn't speak for long moments, except to say, "Hang on, I need a minute to process all this." She replayed some of Fennec's words in her head: "But he's convinced someone's after him... he used to be so there, and now he's not..." Having gone through her own mental health issues just recently, she couldn't help but wonder...
"Okay, bear with me here. Do you think there's actually someone out to get him? The reason I ask is because if there is is real danger, that's one thing. But it almost sounds to me like Bronco might not be in his right mind." Just saying those words out loud made her think of Niamh and her final flight from the caldera. Towhee did a quick breathing exercise, just for good measure. "And those are two entirely different situations, so I want to understand before I think about offering any advice," she concluded.
RE: Circus minimus. - Fennec - September 28, 2021
Fennec didn't have to think long about the answer.
There's someone.His fear had been too real, and she couldn't even begin to think that he was completely out of his mind like that. She trusted him that there was danger, but that didn't make his reaction any easier for her to swallow.
But that doesn't give him the right to keep me out of it.She added, stubbornly, potentially to head off whatever defense Towhee might give. While she wanted some level of honesty, she wasn't sure she could really sit here and listen to someone defend him for trying to ditch them.
What she really wanted advice about was what came next. More and more, she just wanted whoever was tailing him to play their bullshit hand already. Maybe her taking them out would fix things.
RE: Circus minimus. - Towhee - September 28, 2021
Fennec quickly confirmed, "There's someone." Towhee felt some tension leave her muscles and she nodded, forgetting momentarily that her daughter wouldn't see it. Although it definitely wasn't great, knowing there was an actual threat to Bronco's life, at least he hadn't lost his mind like his mother before him.
The stiffness returned an instant later when the ramifications began to unfold in her mind. "No," Towhee agreed quite firmly, "a threat to Bronco is a threat to you and Killdeer too. It's a threat to all of us, and we're here to protect you guys. That's the entire point of a pack, a family." Maybe she wouldn't use the word "coward," though Towhee had a hard time making sense of the rationale behind Bronco's flight.
She mulled for another moment or two and then said, truthfully, "I'm with you. Leaving wasn't the right call, especially if he just decided to do it unilaterally?" She paused, wondering. "I'm glad you told me about this, 'cause I also don't think something like this should be kept from the pack. We want to keep you guys safe, so we need to be informed. I didn't realize..." She trailed off with a shake of her head. Well, it didn't matter now.
What mattered now was putting the situation to rights. Towhee sensed Fennec was still waiting on some guidance on where to go from here. "I know I already said it but I'm sorry. This is a lot to deal with alone. Fuck." She wiped a paw over her mouth, thinking, eyes resting on Fennec's face. "I think both of you have your hearts in the right places but he shouldn't have ever left. And I understand why you gave him an ultimatum, though that probably wasn't the best timing either."
Spending those weeks with Rave, she'd learned a valuable lesson about addressing the root of the problem rather than just its symptoms. "I'm here to support you guys, so's the whole pack. You guys need a sense of security, stability. That starts with making sure you both feel safe here. Maybe once that happens, Bronco will feel more like himself and you two can build your trust again. And happiness will follow. You both deserve that."
RE: Circus minimus. - Fennec - October 09, 2021
Fennec wondered, with a prickle, if it would bother Bronco if he found out she'd told the pack. But that didn't matter. Just like she had the right to know, they did too, and keeping it a secret was stupid as fuck. Why not let more know so they could all keep an eye out for each other?
The looking was her job, though. She wasn't letting anyone else in on that.
It was validating to hear her agree and even more to hear her acknowledge that all of this was a lot. She felt a little nuts, letting this get her so fucking twisted up, but she couldn't help it.
Maybe.It sounded a little hollow when she said it, and lacked any real conviction or hope. But she wanted to believe it. Right now it felt like the gap was just... too big to bridge. She didn't know how to even start, which was kind of the whole problem. Bronco had always been the more emotionally savvy of them, and now that it felt like he was shutting her out of some part of what was going on, she had no clue how to proceed. Anything she did, she'd likely go in with all the finesse of a wrecking ball.
She didn't really know what else to add, and let the silence stretch heavily around them.
RE: Circus minimus. - Towhee - October 10, 2021
Towhee knew she was talking out of her ass a bit here, though it was all heartfelt. Unfortunately, the next few words out of her mouth would sound like a platitude too, though she meant them genuinely.
"We'll take it one day at a time, as a family," she said to Fennec, nosing gently at her cheekbone. "You're welcome to lean on me in any way you might need," she added, hoping that even if her daughter didn't know what to do with that now, it might come to her as they dealt with this over the coming days.
Although Towhee didn't think much of silences (for likely obvious reasons), she broke it again to ask, "Are you hungry? I brought this for you," and toed the scrawny rabbit closer to Fen.
RE: Circus minimus. - Fennec - October 18, 2021
Not really. But thanks.She smiled wryly, sniffing at the rabbit and pulling it closer. She'd eat it, just not right this moment. Maybe it was all the word vomit she was doing making her stomach turn, fuckin hell.
Which, speaking of...
And, mom? Next time you feel bad, just, let me know. Okay? Otherwise, what's even the point of me trying to learn about this shit.The last bit of everything that still stung, though Towhee had explained why she felt she needed Raven's help. There'd still, clearly, been a build up. And Fennec wasn't about to take the chance of that happening again. Her smirk turned playful, and she gently butted her head against her mom's shoulder.
If you don't, I'll have to find a new job, and that'd suck.
RE: Circus minimus. - Towhee - October 18, 2021
Although she wasn't hungry, Fennec accepted the rabbit nonetheless, which made Towhee's heart smile. It had taken her hours to catch that damn thing, not that she would ever mention that.
"Okay," Towhee said easily in reply to her daughter's request, though it made a couple questions pop into her head. She weighed them a moment before deciding to give voice to one. "Is that something you're trying to learn more about: mental healthcare?"
The headbutt came as a slight surprise, though a delightful one. Towhee let out a noise that could only be called a purr and nipped fondly at the ear she could reach. She felt so much better for having cleared the air between the two of them.
RE: Circus minimus. - Fennec - October 19, 2021
At first, Fennec was confused. Then it dawned on her that her mom had misunderstood her offer. Oh shit, she didn't... not want to offer that. But she also knew there was no way she could handle being a dumping ground for anyone's anything at the moment. Or ever.
No. I mean, you can talk to me too. But I meant the stomach stuff.She slid closer, then leaned against Towhee.
I know Raven helped. And maybe it was something I didn't understand. But you shouldn't have left it without seeing if I could at least help.Shit like that could go bad so fast, and not treating it right away sometimes made it worse. She wasn't going to sit here and say that she was an expert, nor was she going to come right out and admit how much it had hurt her feelings, but she could assert her professional advice.
It didn't help that she felt pretty useless when it came to her own problems. She was glad everyone was healthy, but having something she could actually do would be pretty nice right now.
RE: Circus minimus. - Towhee - October 19, 2021
"Okay," she repeated, not bothering with trying to explain the complexity of the situation because it didn't matter at this point. "I'll come see you first," she promised with sincerity, "if anything else comes up."
But right now, it was all water under the bridge. Towhee had come home feeling much improved, though today's conversation had uplifted her even more than she'd expected. She really was glad.
A bit of a companionable silence stretched between them for a moment and Towhee found herself reflecting on the particulars of said conversation. When a thought struck her, she immediately voiced it. "I think I'll start with more frequent patrols. To help you and Bronco feel safer, I mean. And maybe I'll see if I can get the other guardians in the pack to rotate with me so someone's always on the beat."
RE: Circus minimus. - Fennec - October 20, 2021
She'd take that gladly, and with it she also let it all go. Fennec was certainly the type to hold a grudge, but it was her mom. She didn't want to.
The next bit did bring on an edge of defensiveness though. Her knee jerk reaction to Towhee's words was to assume she was being left out of the 'guardians' mentioned, something that always got her back up no matter what the situation. Like hell she was going to let the rest of the pack patrol while she sat it out. Her mom should know better than that, fuck.
Don't. She was trying something new, and it wasn't only with Bronco. Raising Killdeer, there were times it had been tempting to lose her temper with him, but she had almost always managed to keep herself in check. Don't fuck this up was her mantra with him, and she was discovering that she could introduce that little voice in other places too. She wouldn't bother with it for strangers, but with family, she figured it couldn't hurt. Maybe it would even help.... somewhat.
I'll obviously keep doing the rounds. But that'd be awesome.She didn't need an invite. And whatever Towhee meant by it didn't mean as much as it did having the pack back them up. That was what was important here.
RE: Circus minimus. - Towhee - October 21, 2021
Fennec mentioned continuing her rounds, which took Towhee a little by surprise. Since she wasn't a mercenary by trade, she hadn't really realized she took it upon herself to patrol, though maybe it was a recent development due due to all this. In other circumstances, the Sovereign might have jokingly asked she pick up the night shifts, though making light of this situation seemed in poor taste.
"I'm going to start now," the Sovereign said. And because she was in no particular hurry to be rid of Fennec, she invited, "Coming with?"