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+--- Thread: Redsand Canyon I wanna have control (/showthread.php?tid=50323)
I wanna have control - Kallik - February 22, 2022
i know you're busy, so no rush! just wanted to get this up <3
He had spent the night alone in his den, fuming and stewing in his anger. If @Aquene had tried to enter his den during the night, he would have told her it wasn't a good idea and that he would talk to her the next day when his mind was calmer. It had crossed his mind more than once to just take off to the north anyway. He could be alone and brood with no responsibilities other than scouting. It would be like when he was truly alone, before he found Mereo.
But he wouldn't do that to Aquene. Most of his thoughts of leaving were just him wanting to avoid the situation all together. Because under all the anger was the knowledge that he would have to make a hard decision. But the decision had already been made hadn't it? He wasn't prepared to lose Aquene, which meant they would have to be married.
He had asked her to meet him in the common area in the morning and they could talk. As the imperator had asked, Kallik had let him know they were meeting. Now he waited with a racing heart.
RE: I wanna have control - Aquene - February 24, 2022
Aquene had sought him out, and his demeanor worried her but she did not push it when he said it was not a good idea and that they could talk in the morning. Instead, she returned to her tablinum alone and restless to an extent where no amount of lavender could help her. What was going on? Was something wrong? Perhaps he was simply not interested anymore and was trying to figure out how to tell her.
She didn’t know when she had become the kind of woman to stay up all night fretting about a boy, but it had happened. She met him in the common area in the morning, taking a seat nervously. A common area. Open to the public. God, this really was going to be a breakup, wasn’t it? She had a frown on her features. “Is everything okay?” The concern leaked into her voice.
She was not a fan of others making decisions for her, but decisions like this… well, they weren’t just about her. This was about what he wanted to and she had this gnawing feeling in her stomach like things were going awry.
RE: I wanna have control - Kallik - February 24, 2022
She was nervous; he could tell immediately when he saw her, and it was his fault. He had been catastrophizing as she had put it once before. He had been so angry and so in his head that he hadn't considered how all this might look to her.
Kallik walked over to her and kissed her cheek, not caring about the imperator and his rules right then.
I am sorry I've been weird, Aquene,he told her softly.
It is not your fault.the soldier sighed and shook his head, taking a seat in front of her.
I talked to the imperator about us,he started.
He said we cannot be together in the way we want unless we are married. If we do not want to get married, he said we are to keep from one another's beds. We cannot spend time together without a chaperone. He told me that unless we are married, I have to chose to be a soldier and not let this distract me.Kallik was not surprised by most of this, but he hadn't expected the ultimatum.
He searched Aquene's face a moment before saying his next words.
I wanted more time to get to know more about each other, but I do care about you very much. I will marry you, but it is your choice.He certainly wouldn't force her, though it was exactly what the imperator was doing. They had a 'choice' but it meant they couldn't really be together.
He watched her, his heart racing and his breath stuck in his lungs. He wasn't expecting a good reaction from her.
RE: I wanna have control - Aquene - February 25, 2022
She found herself relax more as he kissed her cheek, her eyes softening when he apologized. It wasn’t her fault? It felt like her fault… but then he started to get into it more. Her eyes widened when he revealed the ultimatum that was passed. She felt anger… for several reasons. She felt anger at the idea of being chaperoned… at the insult of not even waiting to deliver such an ultimatum to both of them but rather the man, the soldier… perhaps that was just her being sensitive given the last time she had been due to be wed she hadn’t even had a say in husband.
He search her face and she tried to push the anger out… and in that moment she was faced with a choice: choose him or choose principle. What an impossible situation for the Imperator to put her in. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and exhaling. “Marriage is something I never wanted to jump into. It’s something I’ve always wanted a choice in… when, where, with whom…” For reasons she was certain everyone in Mereo could understand. He cared about her very much, but was that enough… she couldn’t help the question that fell next. “Do you love me? Do you think you could love me, even if we’re not there yet?” They hadn’t said those words, but she needed to know that there was a chance.
She had just gotten him. She didn’t want to lose him. She didn’t want people to force them apart solely because they had sticks so far up their asses that it was coming out of their mouths through petty ultimatums. She’d volunteered to put her body through hell, even if she had downplayed the experience to Kallik, solely so they could be together and it was cast aside for naught… in that moment, her trust in the Imperator and his guidance faltered… and she wasn’t sure how long it would take to recover it.
RE: I wanna have control - Kallik - February 25, 2022
I know. And you deserve a choice. I am sorry.His anger burned even hotter in his chest. The imperator knew her past and yet, he was still forcing marriage on them. Kallik looked at the ground and stewed. He had slept like shit the night before and his chest was sore, and he was feeling pretty grumpy.
His eyes flicked up when she asked if he loved her. It was a difficult question for him to answer. He wasn't sure he even knew what love felt like. He cared for her and wanted her in his life. But did he feel love?
I don't want to lose you,he told her, though he had already admitted that to her.
I think love will come with some time.He felt uncomfortable. He swallowed hard and blew a breath out his nose.
It is not always easy for me to express my feelings, but with you, it is much easier.
He was studying her face again.
Do you love me?he asked, his voice quiet and hesitant.
RE: I wanna have control - Aquene - February 25, 2022
He was apologizing and she shook her head, actively fighting back a soft whine and pushing it back down her throat. “It’s not your fault.” He was not the one forcing this choice on them. It wasn’t fair, not to her, and not to him… what was the Imperator’s motive? Demand a marriage? What if it felt apart because they rushed into things too fast at his own command? This was the life of soldiers… but that did not mean it was right. It was how he chose to run his ship; tradition or traditionalism meant very little to her.
Tradition had always screwed her over anyway.
He answered her question with another statement, one he had already said. She didn’t want to lose him either, but what were they trying to save if he didn’t think love was an eventual possibility? She knew that he was uncomfortable. It came easier to her, and she knew that… but she was a healer… learning how to express herself and listening to others describe their feelings was a part of her work so it was only natural.
And yet, she was not certain she knew how to answer that question either. “I think I’m starting to.” She admitted softly, her eyes softening further. She contemplated for a few more moments, her gaze finding her paws for a second before she looked back up. “Okay, so we get married then..? And we see where this goes... it doesn't have to change this. We can still take our time, get to know each other.” It didn't change their commitment to one another. She didn’t want to think about the possibility of their glass house shattering under them because of the Imperator’s hasty decree.
RE: I wanna have control - Kallik - February 25, 2022
I think I'm starting to. The words did something to him—they filled his heart with hope and fear, and the two feelings mixed violently together.
When she continued, he was surprised to hear her agreeing to be married. She cared about him enough to do something that went against everything she believed in. He promised then to never make her regret her leap of faith.
Kallik pulled her close and nuzzled into her neck.
We can do this to please the imperator but later, when we're ready, I'll ask you again. We can do something special to make it official to us.It was the best he could offer. Clearly the soldier was too selfish to call the whole thing off and let her go.
RE: I wanna have control - Aquene - February 25, 2022
It was terrifying, and at the same time… it was something she tried not to think about. She didn’t want to give logic the time to catch up with her, nor her righteous fury that would no doubt fall in tenseness and passive aggressiveness towards the man who had made this all happen to begin with.
Instead, she agreed to marry him, and he nuzzled at her neck and she craved the contact. Her own injuries were almost fully healed, and she was walking normal again but she still worried about his… she smiled, her eyes softening and a wider smile on her features. “I look forward to it.” There was a hint of lightness in her tone, making light of an otherwise shitty situation. She had to believe this would end there.
She didn’t want to lose him. He didn’t want to lose her… so this was what they were going to do in order to make sure they didn’t lose each other. They could deal with everyone else and everything else later. “How are you feeling?” She shifted to focus on the injuries he had sustained, the ones she was keeping a close eye on.
RE: I wanna have control - Kallik - February 25, 2022
So they were getting married. The thought made him panic a little but he knew nothing would change between him and Aquene; to them, things would be the same and that was all that mattered. Mostly he hated that she was being forced. No matter how okay she seemed about it, he knew she didn't want this—not now and not because of an ultimatum.
She looked forward to when he could make it up to her, and so did Kallik. The soldier touched his forehead to hers and let a smile curve his lips despite the heaviness of the situation.
Eventually, Aquene changed the subject and asked how he was feeling.
Tired and sore,he admitted gruffly.
I didn't sleep much last night. I don't like sleeping alone.He had missed Aquene being next to him and having her to talk to until they fell asleep. His wounds hadn't been tended today either; he had been too distracted by his anger and fear. He was paying for that now.
RE: I wanna have control - Aquene - March 07, 2022
What was marriage other than a title? It was where they hoped to end up, after all. Nothing else needed to change. They had already decided to not have children. They had already decided to take things slow. Simply, in the eyes of others they would be husband and wife. That was all, right? Perhaps she was trying to reason to herself that this was not as big of a commitment as everyone else expected it to be.
She was happy to change the topic. He mentioned being tired and sore and she was not surprised given his injuries. She had missed him as well. “Neither do I… I tossed and turned most of the night.” She admitted softly, drawing her maw gently against his cheek in a comforting manner. “I can give you something for the soreness, but I cannot fix the exhaustion… that simply requires rest.” She wished she could simply click her claws and made it all go away, and just heal him with no pain, but it was not possible.
RE: I wanna have control - Kallik - March 09, 2022
He hated that she had also suffered during the night. He had been kind of an ass, at least in his opinion. But he had just been too angry to address anything, and he knew the imperator would be angry if they shared quarters while unmarried.
He kissed her cheek in return.
Thank you,he murmured. He would definitely need something for the soreness. As for the rest:
I am due to start my morning patrol, so rest will have to wait.He had done far more with far less sleep, so he would be fine.
We will need to pick out a den in the married housing.He was at least looking forward to sharing a den with her.
I am sure we will both rest better tonight,Kallik pointed out, nuzzling her cheek. He was still angry that they had been forced to marry, but he still appreciated the fact that they could be together freely and without worry of punishment.
RE: I wanna have control - Aquene - March 09, 2022
The medicus had much to accomplish herself, a soft frown at the mention of rest having to wait. She felt much of the same way. She wanted to check in on the Lady Ruenna. He hummed as well at the mention of married housing. Married. It still sounded so weird to her, but she nodded regardless. “I can take a look at the housing when I go to check on the Matrona.” She offered lightly because she could handle that with her own tasks.
“After your morning patrol you should find time to lay down and rest a little.” She stated more firmly, speaking this time as a healer rather than a wife. Wife. God, that was so weird. “I am looking forward to it.” She loved the peace that washed over her in his presence, barring something like Germanicus’ influence in their relationship. “I will see you later?” She asked softly, nuzzling against his cheek and down his neck one last time. He had to get on his morning patrol, and she wanted to check in on the Matrona as well as start preparing her stores for springs. The budding was something that would be coming soon, which meant long and tedious hours building up her stores.
RE: I wanna have control - Kallik - March 09, 2022
I do not think I will have time for that, but I will try for you,he told her. And he would try; he just didn't think it would matter. Most of his days were filled with patrols and training, sometimes intercepting strangers at the border. He wasn't usually left with any free time until he was turning in for the night.
He brushed his chin over the top of her head and then kissed the same spot.
Yes, of course,he promised.
I look forward to it.His heart jumped at the thought. Tonight they would sleep together in their den; he would hardly think of anything else all day.
Be safe,he told her and with a kiss to her cheek, he turned and trotted off. She would likely ask the same of him, and he would try his best.