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+--- Thread: Redsand Canyon they say that time's supposed to heal you (/showthread.php?tid=50514)
they say that time's supposed to heal you - Aquene - March 12, 2022
Hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
-Adele
At first, she had thought it a coincidence… but as the days persisted, the fatigue got worse, not better… the nausea ripped through her gut and cost her meals where otherwise she’d be able to swallow it back and the idea of even looking at a meal made the contents of her stomach want to empty. She couldn’t deny it anymore… She just didn’t understand where she had gone wrong. She had never seen her methods fail before. They had been tried and tested on many wolves prior to her and even her herself in prior seasons… so what had made this time any different?I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
-Adele
Most of all, she was scared. She was scared to admit to her husband that she was with child. She did not know how he would take it. Would he leave? She had promised that this wouldn’t be an issue. Neither of them could be parents. She wasn’t ready for this. They weren’t ready for this. She had retreated to their den early in the day, pacing as she tried to walk through every single step she had taken. Had she missed a dosage and not remembered it? It wasn’t noticeable physically yet… but she knew it would be soon and with it came the panic and impending doom of motherhood.
That worry and fear was practically palpable off of her. It affected the very energy of the room around her as she simply contemplated how she was supposed to tell @Kallik that she had made a mistake. Some healer she was… she couldn’t even prevent her own pregnancy.
What the fuck was she supposed to do now?
RE: they say that time's supposed to heal you - Kallik - March 12, 2022
Kallik was passing by the married dens on his way to the sparring area after spending most of the morning patrolling. His eyes were pulled to his and Aquene's shared quarters as she crossed his mind for the hundredth time that day. Movement inside made him pause, and he started to grow angry wondering if Towhee was in there again. But the flashes of fur he caught were dark and familiar—his wife. Kallik frowned and headed to her, rushing into the den once he reached the opening.
Aquene?he said immediately.
What's wrong?He could tell without asking that something was up, he just didn't know what. Worry quickly rose in his chest as waited for her answer.
RE: they say that time's supposed to heal you - Aquene - March 12, 2022
She had been expecting more time before he appeared. She didn’t know how to react when he did appear asking what was wrong. Of course he knew something was amiss. A stranger would be able to tell that something was wrong with her. “I messed up.” She blurted out without context, the worry in her tone quite evident as she looked down at her paws.
“I don’t know when or how but I messed up somehow.” She still couldn’t find herself able to admit just how. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath in and then slowly exhaled. “I’m pregnant.” There was no way to sugarcoat the delivery, now she just had to brace for the impact that would ensue.
RE: they say that time's supposed to heal you - Kallik - March 12, 2022
Kallik watched with confusion and alarm as Aquene panicked in front of him. She messed up? He had no idea what she was talking about. He racked his brain and came up with nothing. Was this related to the matrona? She repeated the words and looked so distraught and guilty that he was starting to panic a little himself.
He took a step forward and froze—I'm pregnant.
For a few moments, he was stunned into numbness. He couldn't process the words. But when her words sank in, he suddenly felt like someone kicked him in the gut. His heart started to race as panic gripped his heart.
Are—are you sure?he asked, his expression completely blank and not at all matching the chaos within him. He thought this couldn't happen. He should have just asked the imperator to send him to akashingo until her season was done. Shit. How was he supposed to be someone's dad? He felt like a part of him still needed a parent—the injured little pup buried deep inside his heart. What if he fucked his own kids up the way his dad had fucked him up?
He realized he hadn't said anything ar portrayed any feelings to her. Kallik swallowed.
Shit,was all he could get out a first.
Shit, Aquene. I can't be someone's father.He didn't want to be a father. He liked the way things were, just the two of them, free to to spend their time together however they wished. Now everything would change and tiny lives would be wholly dependent on him. He was going to fuck them up for sure.
RE: they say that time's supposed to heal you - Aquene - March 12, 2022
She was worrying him, somewhere deep down she knew that which is how the words came tumbling out to begin with. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. They weren’t supposed to be married. They weren’t supposed to have a litter… perhaps she had been too cocky in her own abilities to think she could stave off the consequences of the season when they had been at it like rabbits. All she knew was that it was her fault. She had made a promise she couldn’t keep and now they were both paying for it.
He froze and she spent the entire time petrified with the fear of what he was going to do next, not because she was afraid of him, but because she was afraid of the consequences of their actions just as he was. “I wouldn’t be telling you if I weren’t sure.” She stated back, quietly as she continued to stare down at her paws, painfully aware of his presence in the room but refusing to look at him even still. How was she supposed to be a mother? Her own family had fucked her up, and there sometimes felt like there was no recovery.
She didn’t reach for an embrace or for touch, instead just listening as he swore and insisted he couldn’t be a father but she didn’t have a way to fix this, not without putting herself in danger in the process. “I know. I know. I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened. It’s never not worked before. We used it for generations to prevent this.” She was still racking her brain trying to figure out where it all went wrong. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” All she could do was let apology after apology tumble from her lips and push down her own fear, as if she didn’t have the right to feel afraid in this moment because she had been the one to force them into this situation.
RE: they say that time's supposed to heal you - Kallik - March 12, 2022
Of course she wouldn't be telling him if she weren't sure. He didn't even know why he had asked that other than to try and help his brain process what she had told him.
Then she was apologizing over and over and it made him feel like an asshole. She hadn't even looked at him, and he could practically feel her guilt as if were his own, that and her panic.
Kallik couldn't bear to see her that way for one more second. So he closed the distance between them and wrapped himself around her.
Please stop apologizing,he whispered .
I am not upset with you.Blaming her hadn't even crossed his mind, because he didn't blame her.
I am just—scared,Kallik admitted.
I am not ready for children.But he would have to figure it out because they would be here eventually whether or not he was ready for them.
RE: they say that time's supposed to heal you - Aquene - March 12, 2022
She wasn’t really aware of his actions until he was wrapped around her, and she actively felt tension fade from her body. He pleaded with her to stop apologizing and she found herself falling silent. He wasn’t upset with her? “But I promised. I promised.” And she had broken that promise. He was scared. She had made him scared because she had broken her promise. Fuck, she was terrified. She wasn’t ready for children.
“I’m not ready for this. I can’t do this. I can’t.” She buried her face in his fur as she spoke. “How the hell am I supposed to be a mother?” Did she even have any mother-like qualities? She wasn’t a maternal figure. She still felt like a child herself. “I’m scared too. How are we supposed to be parents?” She admitted softly, embracing the fact that he was still there. She didn’t know why she had ever doubted that.
RE: they say that time's supposed to heal you - Kallik - March 13, 2022
It was an accident,he told her.
So please stop feeling guilty.They both had enough fear and panic within them without her adding guilt to the mix. Besides, all of this distress couldn't be good for her right now.
She was in a panic spiral much the same as his. Her words were filled with fear, and he couldn't handle it; it made his chest tighten painfully. Right now, she needed him to be calm and reassuring. He could deal with his own shit later. So Kallik pushed his panic down to the place where his emotions went when he didn't want to deal with them.
Aquene,he said softly.
We will figure it out, okay? You are not alone in this.He kept his tone calm and rubbed his chin soothingly over her head as he spoke. He just needed her to be okay, and then he could be okay.
RE: they say that time's supposed to heal you - Aquene - March 13, 2022
An accident. The words made her feel conflicted. On one hand, it was, but she also never wanted their children to feel like they were accidents. Their children. She closed her eyes and started to take deep breaths to calm herself down. He was right. She shouldn’t feel guilty. It was an accident, though their children would not be.
They were going to figure it out, together. It made her feel safe and secure. He always had a way of making her feel safe. His chin rubbed over her head and she nuzzled upward lightly. Words failed her in that moment. Neither of them were alone… they were about to not have any alone time at all. Then she nodded, repeating his words. “We’re going to figure it out…” Surely they could figure out how to be good parents, unlike their own, right?
RE: they say that time's supposed to heal you - Kallik - March 13, 2022
Yes, we will,he confirmed when she repeated his words. Aquene pushed into his affection, and he nuzzled her cheek with his own. Kallik was relived to see that she was a little calmer.
Then his mind lit up with worry after worry. He pulled back to look at his wife.
Do you feel okay?he asked. He had no idea what pregnancy was like for a woman.
Do you need anything?Already his overprotective streak was ramping up. He was likely to be up her ass as much as was possible.
RE: they say that time's supposed to heal you - Aquene - March 13, 2022
They were going to be okay. He wasn’t mad or upset with her… they were going to do this together. They would figure it out, together… and that was more than she’d ever really had before. It calmed her down, along with his soft touches.
The question came, and she could see the worry on his features and then it was followed with another question and she sighed softly, a kind smile on her features as she simply nuzzled back. “I’m okay… I’m nauseated, and my appetite has been gone… but I am okay.” She insisted to try and ease his worries. “Wait, what are you doing here? I thought you were on patrol.” It occurred to her that he was back at their den abnormally early in the day.
RE: they say that time's supposed to heal you - Kallik - March 15, 2022
She was nauseous had having trouble eating.
Are these normal things to feel?Kallik asked. Aquene didn't seem concerned when she told him, so maybe they were part of pregnancy.
Do you have anything you can take?he asked before she could answer the first question.
I can get you whatever you need.He wouldn't allow her to push herself and end up like her mother. She would be here after the birth of their children, and they would learn how to be parents together.
I was on my way from a patrol and headed to the sparring ring for training,he explained.
I saw you pacing in the den and knew something was wrong.Kallik kissed her cheek.
I do not have to leave if you would like me to stay.He would figure out something to say if he was questioned about his absence.
RE: they say that time's supposed to heal you - Aquene - March 15, 2022
The questions bombarded, one after another. She responded at first simply by nuzzling him gently, and then responded to his questions one at a time. “It is normal. Some women could eat a pack out of house and home… other women, like me apparently, feel sick at the thought of eating food.” She explained, hoping it brought him some peace of mind that it was not something he should be concerned about. “I do. I have herbs in the tablinum I can take that will help with me appetite. I’ll eat something after they’ve had time to take effect.” She wanted to assure him that she was taking care of herself.
She knew that he knew how hard she worked… just as she knew he knew what had happened to her mother. It would take time to assure him that she was capable of setting those limits. Aquene did not want to leave him all alone with their children; she would do whatever it took to ensure both she and their pups made it through the birthing process. She’d need to discuss with the Matrona a plan… overseeing her own birthing did not sound pleasant. Someone else would have to be trained to assist her just in case there were a complication.
He offered to get her what she needed before he explained and she shook her head. “No, you are a solider in Mereo. The best thing you can do right now is train, and be a soldier... I was pacing because I was nervous about telling you, but now I have told you and I am fine.” She did not think Germanicus would take too kindly to him skipping training solely to fret over her and the coming of their children. “I will go to the tablinum and get the herbs and eat something and spend the rest of the day sorting what I've recently collected into their slots… you will train, and then the night will be ours as it always is, to talk... I can answer questions you have about the process, about what I'm feeling.” She nuzzled his cheek lightly, working her way down his neck and inhaling his scent for a moment. “I know it is a lot to process… but we both have jobs and responsibilities that cannot be left abandoned in the meantime. The Imperator would not be pleased... and we've already upset him a few times lately, haven't we?”
RE: they say that time's supposed to heal you - Kallik - March 17, 2022
He nuzzled her in return, her affection calming his anxiety a little. Aquene explained it was expected that she felt nauseous and didn't have much of an appetite; he found that didn't make him worry any less. But she had herbs she could take to help her, which was a relief.
If there is anything that is easier for you to eat, let me know, and I will bring it to you. Anything.He didn't mind at all.
She was right, of course: there was no reason he should stay here and worry instead of returning to his duties. He just knew she was upset and worried; part of him felt extremely guilty leaving her alone right now, but he would do as she instructed.
She promised she would stay in the tablinum and take it easy, and that made him feel a little better. He could focus better knowing she was safe in the medicine den.
Thank you,he murmured. He touched his head to hers for a moment before pulling back to meet her gaze.
Kallik gave a small, amused huff when she mentioned that they had already upset the imperator a few times. She wasn't wrong. He would like to go some time without getting in trouble if it was possible.
But one thing that bothered him was that she said she had been pacing because she was afraid to tell him. A frown pulled his brows together.
Aquene,he said softly.
Why were you afraid to tell me?It made sense that she would anticipate his panic and worry; she felt the same way. But why had she been afraid of his reaction? His stomach dropped some at the realization. He never wanted her to be afraid of him in any way.
RE: they say that time's supposed to heal you - Aquene - March 17, 2022
She nodded, grateful for the offer though she was not certain that any food would be easier. Still, she needed to try. “Thank you.” She murmured softly, finding comfort in the tenderness. She wished they could stay in these moments forever. Even with the panic, she felt a peace subside in her gut. She craved it.
He thanked her and she smiled, letting her eyes close as she breathed in his calming scent and his head touched to hers. There was an amused huff and she just gazed at him as if to ask ‘am I wrong?’. She knew that it had been quite a bit. “I am admittedly unwilling to let it become public knowledge that I had been trying to… prevent… these circumstances.” It made her feel as if she had failed as a healer, not having been successful. She was still not sure where she had gone wrong.
She frowned at his question and then glanced at her paws for a moment. “I wasn’t afraid… at least not of you or your reaction… I was just nervous. I made a promise. I promised that this wouldn’t happen and it did… I failed.” It was not the first time that she had failed either, thinking back briefly to her mother. “I’ve never seen this fail before. We used it all the time back home… a lot of women would take it in secret to make sure they did not conceive.” It had been an unfortunately common practice but she didn’t understand why it would fail now.
RE: they say that time's supposed to heal you - Kallik - March 18, 2022
She admitted that she didn't want others to know that this had been an accident, that her herbs had not prevented her from getting pregnant. Kallik nodded.
It will stay between us,he promised his wife. It was an easy promise; he hadn't intended on mentioning it to anyone anyway.
His question had her blaming herself again. It had apparently been why she was nervous to tell him she was pregnant.
I am sorry, Aquene,he pulled her into an embrace, needing to feel her against him and be surrounded by her scent; he noticed then that it was slightly different than normal. Maybe due to the pregnancy.
This is not your fault,he told her again.
Please do not beat yourself up over it.It wasn't good for her.
RE: they say that time's supposed to heal you - Aquene - March 22, 2022
There was a hint of relief on her features at the mention of it staying between them. “The only soul I told about trying to prevent my heat was Towhee. It came up in conversation once.” She admitted, knowing that it was possible the news might still get around though she hoped it would not in this instance. She could simply insist that circumstances had changed with their forced marriage giving them the right to procreate, right? Either way, she would cross that bridge when she got to it.
He was apologizing and pulling her into an embrace. She felt so scattered, as if she was all over the place and scattered across the walls of their den. She would try not to beat herself up over it. “It’s my nature to worry and beat myself up over these things.” She reminded him, a little more lighthearted than before. “It’s one of the certainties in my life: I will always worry.” That came out a little more as a tease, a softness in her eyes as she nuzzled lightly against his neck. They were going to be okay. They were going to figure this out… she needed to have hope and faith in that.
RE: they say that time's supposed to heal you - Kallik - March 23, 2022
He couldn't say he was surprised to hear she had mentioned it to Towhee; she and the praefectus were close. He was mystified with how easily she made friends. It was something he struggled with because it required him to let his walls come down some, and he just wasn't comfortable doing that right away. His wife seemed to charm everyone, though, and he couldn't blame others for that—she was smart and fierce and beautiful. Who wouldn't be charmed? But he was drifting away from the situation at hand; a very real and scary situation.
It is my nature to protect you, even from yourself,he pointed out, lowering his muzzle to kiss the top of her head.
I will worry about you always.Clearly she needed someone to look out for her the way she looked out for everyone else.
RE: they say that time's supposed to heal you - Aquene - March 24, 2022
What mystified Aquene was how she had managed to worm her way in but no one else seemed to be able to. She saw how detached he could become around others… it was a vastly different side of him. She would by lying if she said a part of her didn’t love the fact that she had this secret side of him all to herself.
He needed to protect her from herself. She could be her own worst enemy at times... she knew that. She smiled softly at him, a hint of shyness surrounding her. “And I will always worry about you.” She countered back. Just as much as she needed someone to look out for her, he needed someone to watch his back as well. She nipped lightly right behind his ear. “And one of those ways I look out for you, it’s my turn to remind you that you were going on patrol.” She had distracted him long enough. She did not wish for him to get into trouble. “Maybe you could escort me to the tablinum before you go?” She offered, her head tilting to the side.
RE: they say that time's supposed to heal you - Kallik - March 27, 2022
He knew she worried for him too, though he wished she wouldn't. He wouldn't speak his displeasure with the knowledge because he knew she couldn't help it, just like he couldn't help worrying after her.
She brought up that he was supposed to be working right now, and he gave a heavy sigh.
I suppose you are right,he answered, kissing her cheek. He did need to return to his duties; he didn't need another reason for the imperator to be angry with him.
Kallik offered her his rare smile.
Of course I will,he answered.
Anything for my beautiful wife.He was trying to keep the mood light. He was also getting used to referring to her as his wife; he certainly liked that Aquene was his forever. But he wouldn't share the depth of his feelings yet; he wasn't ready and he had no understanding of them.
He would stand and wait for her to do the same before heading from their den and in the direction of the tablinum.
fade and have an updated preggers thread?