Redsand Canyon For me to walk away

Redsand Canyon For me to walk away - Printable Version

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For me to walk away - Fennec - August 09, 2022

The more Fennec dwelled on their "conversation" (if you could call it that), the more at least one thing became clear. Trying to handle this on her own wasn't working, and no amount of wishing for everything to just disappear was going to make it happen. She needed help.

If her mom couldn't then no one would be able to. Fennec set herself to loitering around where @Towhee's den was, willing to wait as long as it would take to catch her alone.

She didn't want anyone else listening. Not because she was as afraid of what they'd think, but because she knew her mom would be careful about what made its way back to her son. She couldn't trust the others would have the same consideration.

RE: For me to walk away - Towhee - August 09, 2022

The pack’s healer assuming Ruenna’s former role was the best possible outcome in Towhee’s books. It put her own deliberations to bed, though sometimes as she plodded through the dusty canyon, she still heard the proverbial siren call of partial retirement.

The kids were with their uncle again this afternoon, leaving Towhee to patrol before heading back to the housing for a bite to eat. She found Fennec loitering nearby and woofed a greeting to her eldest daughter before moving to nudge the side of her neck in greeting.

RE: For me to walk away - Fennec - August 09, 2022

Towhee didn't keep her waiting for long, which was good in her current state. Any time alone with her thoughts felt like ages.

This was probably long overdue. A part of her still felt like she was being weak, or admitting defeat, having to reach out to someone in order to confirm bullshit that she should have already figured out. But she had clamped a lid on that voice firmly and was dead set on having this conversation.

Hey. Do you have a minute? To talk. She still felt drained from the rollercoaster of the last 24 hours and wasn't bothering to hide it. Likely Towhee would be able to guess the tone of the conversation just from that, but Fennec clarified anyway. I need... I don't know. Advice? Something.

RE: For me to walk away - Towhee - August 09, 2022

Of course, Towhee said simply, bumping Fennec’s elbow with a paw to nudge her in the direction of her nearby doorway. Let’s go inside and sit, she cued verbally.

Ignoring the pinch of hunger in the pit of her belly, Towhee took a seat and waited for her daughter to make herself comfortable. She took a brief moment to regard Fennec’s general demeanor. It occurred to Towhee that she couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen Fen look anything other than unhappy.

Talk to me.

RE: For me to walk away - Fennec - August 09, 2022

Fennec allowed Towhee to lead the way and sat down, but the nature of all of this prevented her from relaxing too much, even in her mom's presence. She was distracted, stressed, and trying to sort things in a way that wouldn't require her to give her mom an entire fucking novel. She knew that Towhee preferred things short.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. She hunched a bit, though she made sure to face where she knew her mom sat. Nothing feels okay anymore. I'm angry all the time. Any friend I've ever had has pretty much told me they'd rather not have me around, and I'm starting to wonder if I can even blame them. I want to hate them, and I try to convince myself they're wrong. But what if they aren't? What if I kind of hate me too?

She wasn't expecting it to go there, but once she started, she couldn't stop. Her eyes welled up with this admission, but she didn't stop or look away. It didn't really matter now if she let her mom see. She'd kind of given up the game with everything.

I didn't used to be like this. I used to be better, and not care, but... I don't know anymore. I've tried, so many times, and it's never enough. They always leave and it's always my fault.

Penn hadn't said as much, in fairness, but in this instance it wasn't him who had her focus. She was remembering Bronco as he insisted it was her selfishness that destroyed them. It didn't matter that Penn had tried to convince her otherwise, or that she had tried to own it herself. It turned out there were some things she couldn't just shake off.

I just want to not care anymore. Fennec's breath hitched, and she had to stop, which was probably a good thing because she'd forgotten her initial intentions on keeping it brief. She doubted that Towhee would have some kind of magical solution to just turn off feelings like that, but she was open to any kind of lifeline. She'd been drowning alone for too long.

RE: For me to walk away - Towhee - August 09, 2022

She tried to control her expression at first, before remembering it didn’t matter. Towhee gave in to the urge to frown deeply as Fennec spoke, her orange eyes hanging on every word that left her daughter’s lips. She had plenty of thoughts swirling around in her mind, though she did not interrupt. It was pretty obvious Fennec just needed to vent for a few minutes.

Towhee drew in a long breath, trapping it in her lungs momentarily before exhaling. She could certainly relate. How many times had her loved ones left her over the course of her lifetime? She’d lost count long, long ago. Over time, she’d come to accept this as an inevitable part of life. Everybody left at some point. Sometimes they came back. Most of the time, they didn’t. There was literally no one in Towhee’s life that hadn’t left her behind at some point.

But it didn’t seem like a very comforting thing to say to Fennec, nor particularly constructive. And her daughter had asked for advice. It made Towhee reflect on the one time she’d left the Teekon Wilds—in part because of Fennec herself—to spend some time with Raven. Her sister had given her some great tools for coping, though in the end, it all came down to Towhee’s inner strength. (And probably some plot armor.)

It’s taken me years to learn how to cope with the fact that literally everyone leaves, Towhee finally said, speaking slowly. I used to get that way too: angry, bitter, resentful. But I couldn’t live like that, so I had to figure out how to… cope. Sometimes I think the only reason I haven’t gone crazy is because I’m repressed and in denial. But if that’s what it takes… Towhee trailed off, not at all sure she was saying anything helpful.

RE: For me to walk away - Fennec - August 09, 2022

Literally everyone leaves. It was helpful to hear this echo her own pessimism, if only because it made her feel less crazy and alone feeling that way herself. It didn't seem like a concept that bothered others and she was starting to wonder if maybe it wasn't as common as she thought. The only alternative to that being that she was the problem after all.

I don't know how to do that. Cope. I can sit here and say fuck it as much as I want, but it doesn't do shit if in the end I just feel awful anyway. Fennec drew in a shaky, frustrated breath. Denial only worked if you believed it. I can't just forgive and forget. But with Killdeer, I can't just avoid it all either. So instead I'm stuck here, trying to pretend like I'm happy and like everything is okay when really I just feel trapped. But I can't leave him when I promised I wouldn't. This was the part she couldn't handle him hearing.

I like having you around. I just... it's hard, feeling like I don't fit with anyone else. That's why I wanted to try building something of my own. She realized a moment after she'd finished the last part what it would sound like and had quickly amended it. She didn't want her mom thinking she was the problem here. I think I knew it was never going to work. That's why I didn't tell anyone but Killer. Less to disappoint when it inevitably crashed and burned.

That was bleak. Towhee had built so many successful packs, somehow, and even here she'd somehow managed to pull a family out of thin air. A new mate, new kids, and a shit ton of respect. Fennec didn't understand how she managed it. She also wouldn't be surprised if her mom wondered how her daughter grew into such a failure. She should have learned from the best, right? Apparently, if she had, the lessons didn't stick.

RE: For me to walk away - Towhee - August 09, 2022

Time, Towhee sighed, knowing it was the answer nobody wanted to hear. It takes time. I’m a lot older than you and I feel like I’ve only recently started getting better about it… None of this was helpful, she knew.

Deciding she needed to pivot a bit, Towhee mulled carefully before voicing her next thought aloud. Do you think Killer would want you to stay here, if it makes you so unhappy? I don’t want you to go anywhere, believe me, but I do want you to be happy, so if that means… well, maybe he’d understand too?

She didn’t know. She couldn’t speak for her grandson. And Towhee didn’t like the idea of telling Fennec to go. But that was the difference between past Towhee and present Towhee. She could let go these days, let others do whatever they needed to do without taking it so personally and internalizing all the horrible emotions Fen was currently experiencing.

The only way to get to this point, she knew, was by being left again and again until you were basically numb to it. But speaking of bleak, Towhee let that part go unsaid. The implication was already there and that was enough.

Maybe you should talk to him about it? He’s a grownup now, he can handle it. I’m sure he wants to support you, Towhee said, uncertain of so much in this conversation but absolutely sure of at least that much.

RE: For me to walk away - Fennec - August 09, 2022

Time was absolutely the last answer she wanted to hear. It had already been so much time. How much longer was it going to take? She wasn't sure she wanted to know, and honestly, she wasn't sure how much longer she could keep going feeling like this. It wasn't like she had a choice, but something had to give... and soon.

I don't even know if leaving would help. I thought it would, and I tried to take some space, but all I could think about was how upset he was that I didn't stay. He was crushed, mom. She'd had this conversation before and it hadn't gone well at all. He hadn't understood and she couldn't expect him to. Was it his fault he had shit parents?

I want to be with family. But now Bronco's in Brecheliant, and acting like nothing happened, and I can't fucking do this again. I knew he'd be around, and I guess I should be glad he isn't here. But a part of me wants to go pound answers out of him and another knows, if I do that, I'm going to be right back where we started. I don't think space, or time, is something I'm going to get. Not while keeping her relationship with Killer, and that meant more to her than the rest.

RE: For me to walk away - Towhee - August 10, 2022

Fennec wanted to prioritize her son’s feelings, which Towhee definitely understood, but where did that leave her? She wanted to tell her daughter that it would be difficult for Killdeer but he, too, would have to grow a thicker skin to cope with life’s losses. His grandmother and the rest of Mereo would be there to distract him if Fen needed a break. But something in the back of her reminded her that a very similar suggestion had gone very poorly before, so she said none of that.

You don’t need Bronco or any man, Towhee said, thinking of her own lifelong aversion to romance up until recently. A feeling of disquiet threaded through her.

Ignoring it and changing tack a little, she asked, Fen, what’s something you genuinely enjoy doing?

RE: For me to walk away - Fennec - August 10, 2022

Towhee said it so easily. Fennec wished she could just accept it, but she didn't understand how her mom let them go so easily. It didn't matter that he'd made her feel like garbage when they fought, or miserable a good portion of their mateship. When she remembered, she cycled through the good times at the start and wondered where the fuck she'd screwed up enough to lose it.

The change in track threw her off. She almost replied 'I don't know' automatically, but instead she forced herself to take a minute and breathe and actually think.

What do you genuinely enjoy? She couldn't recall the last time she enjoyed anything.

She had picked up healing to feel useful and as a way to get into Moonspear... chasing him. She didn't dislike it, but she wasn't sure she enjoyed it either. It was a necessity she'd been pushed into and one she'd at least stopped resenting. Fighting was a good way to let off steam, but did she enjoy it? No. There was an easy way to tell what she enjoyed. What did she continue to do when she was happy?

When was the last time you were happy?

I think I enjoyed fortune telling, when I started. But now I don't know. It just feels like lying. And lying didn't have the same charm it used to. She enjoyed being a parent, but that was out of the picture. As her list ran dry, Fennec admitted defeat. I don't know, anymore. Maybe it had been too long since she'd had to care to find out.

RE: For me to walk away - Towhee - August 10, 2022

Fennec said she didn’t know, which threw a bit of a wrench in what Towhee planned to say next. She knew her daughter was emotive and frustrated right now, so she needed to keep a cool head and try to help her navigate, even if it meant dealing with obstacles like this.

Bear with me, ‘cause this is gonna sound almost as bad as ‘it just takes time’ but… you need to find a hobby, something you can preferably do solo to distract—and hopefully enjoy—yourself. That came out kind of wrong but she hoped Fen took it in the spirit it was intended. Something that doesn’t necessarily require anybody else. What about medicine? Do you still enjoy that? Would collecting supplies and maybe setting up a stash bring you any kind of pleasure or satisfaction?

Towhee sort of expected Fennec to shoot this down too, though she would stay steady on the course until they found something constructive the young woman could do with her time, rather than wallow in misery. It wouldn’t be a magic, overnight fix, but maybe it would give her daughter something to do and a sense of purpose she seemed to be missing.

RE: For me to walk away - Fennec - August 10, 2022

Saying yes would have been the easy way out. She appreciated that her mom was trying to help, but collecting supplies was something she immediately saw as busy work. She knew it wouldn't do the trick, distracting her like Towhee wanted.

You came here for help.. And taking the easy way out wouldn't do that. No. I've tried that before. All that time alone, gathering, did was make her think more about the things she didn't want to think about. Exploring was another option, but it had the same problem. Doing it alone wasn't the same, and before every new discovery was days of travel alone with her thoughts. She was just tired of being alone.

That thought almost had her quit the line of thinking entirely, but something brought a memory to mind. Meeting the girl near her gardens in the Bramblepoint. She'd nearly forgotten how she'd built those, but maybe working on them was the closest she'd gotten to actual happiness in recent memory. It had been incredibly hard, leaving them behind, though she hadn't said much about it. There hadn't really been another choice.

I had gardens, in the forest near home, before. I don't know if that would work here. The canyon was mostly sand and stone, neither of which would make for a place for growing. There was the small forest she sometimes hid out in, near the border, when she was avoiding reality and having to make do. It wouldn't be the Bramblepoint but it was something, at least.

RE: For me to walk away - Towhee - August 10, 2022

North and south maps for reference!

Despite preparing herself, Towhee felt a flash of exasperation when Fennec immediately refuted her. She scolded herself for it, taking a breath, lips parting to say something when her daughter’s mouth moved again. She clapped her own shut, paying attention as the momentary pique faded.

There was the tablinum, of course. But that space unequivocally belonged to @Aquene. Surely they could find Fennec a space of her own for this purpose. Towhee consulted her mental map of the canyon, immediately doing a survey of its southernmost reaches.

It’s worth a try, isn’t it? Towhee said. You could plant it just south of the oasis. She didn’t know a lot about plants but she did know they required good soil, sunlight and surely a nearby water source would be helpful. There’s a bunch of outcroppings there, in case your garden needs occasional shade.

It would definitely be an undertaking. But that’s sort of what Fennec needed. Towhee almost offered to help, then thought better of it. Well, if her daughter asked, she supposed she wouldn’t decline, but the entire point was Fen needed an activity she could thrive doing all by herself.

Another thought tickled through her brain and though it mildly contradicted that whole train of thought, Towhee found herself wondering, I have some little helpers available if you need them. How would you feel about teaching?

RE: For me to walk away - Fennec - August 10, 2022

Fennec didn't know what Towhee meant when she spoke of an oasis. She'd explored most of the canyon's fringes, but had purposefully avoided the higher traffic areas for most of her stay so far. Outside of the sparring pits, she hadn't stepped near the soldier's dens or the tablinum. She was at least aware there was another healer here, one who was established. It was another reason that gathering supplies, of any kind, felt like a waste.

I'm not sure. Fennec answered noncommittally. She was glad that her mom was happy and to have more siblings, but the wounds of a failed marriage and the family that wasn't there because of it were still fresh. Training Towhee's pups wasn't an idea she hated, but it also wouldn't exactly help her to get past things. I'll have to see how it even starts. It was possible nothing would grow.

She wondered again why, of everywhere, she had to get stuck in this stupid canyon again. But despite it not being ideal, this was where she was. And she did have the same thought as her mom - maybe the challenge would do her some good.

RE: For me to walk away - Towhee - August 10, 2022

This time, Fennec didn’t shoot down the suggestion outright, which made Towhee hopeful. But she relented, deciding against pushing that particular idea any further for now. They could focus on getting the garden started.

Well, Fennec could, she reminded herself, saying, I know I came up with it but I think it’s a good idea, with a huff of laughter. It may end up a bust but hopefully not. And the nice thing about plants? They have roots. They can’t get up and walk away. They can’t leave you.

RE: For me to walk away - Fennec - August 10, 2022

Yeah. It wasn't much of a reassurance, if she was being honest, but it also wasn't one that was important right now. Maybe plants couldn't leave, but the plants weren't what was important. She'd still had to leave what she'd built in their previous home, despite what was still there, and if things went badly here then she'd be forced to start over again. Life didn't really come in constants.

Thanks, mom. While this conversation hadn't exactly unlocked the secret to immediate happiness, she felt way better just having a way forward and something to try. She'd been stuck in the same rut for so long that she hadn't been sure how to drag herself out. This was a start.

I know you were going to eat. But this helps. She'd let Towhee get back to it, if she wanted to. And maybe later she'd check out wherever this oasis was. Get a sense for what exactly she was working with and how much she had her work cut out for her.

RE: For me to walk away - Towhee - August 10, 2022

“But this helps,” made Towhee feel like maybe she hadn’t bungled this too badly. She was no counselor, though she tried to be a good mom… and a decent sounding board, despite being unable to hear a word Fennec said.

Good, she answered simply, admitting, I am hungry. And you should go get a headstart on your gardening.

Towhee licked her lips, thinking she would grab that bite and then head out on patrol. She was glad the conversation had helped her daughter, though it had put some weight on the older woman’s shoulders that she needed some time to unpack and process.

RE: For me to walk away - Fennec - August 10, 2022

Yeah. In a little bit. Fennec was wiped after this. Physically she was probably fine to get started, but mentally she needed to go take a moment and chill. Talking it through had done some on its own to sort out the mess she'd been, but it was the suggestion that really did it for her. In the short term, spilling to others could help, but it never actually lasted once the problems came back.

She gave her mom a grateful nudge, then left her to it. It didn't occur to Fennec that the conversation would have much of an effect on Towhee. She was just thankful, for maybe the first time, that she'd decided to come back. She always seemed to let herself forget what it felt like, having someone in her corner and rooting for her.