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+--- Thread: Redhawk Caldera need you now (/showthread.php?tid=52459)
need you now - Eljay - September 05, 2022
Eljay had to tell @Maia about his decision to step down so that it wasn't a total surprise when the pack meeting was called. He went to find her at the rendezvous site, hoping that she was somewhere nearby. He hoped it wouldn't worry or hurt her too much; he knew there was enough work to go around for the three of them, but Eljay knew he had to choose too much where he spent his time, and he wanted -- needed -- more of it for his family and for his children, even if it would cost Teya and Maia time with theirs, too. Besides, Maia was one of the prospects to be the new Auspex in his opinion, so Eljay wanted her to be prepared for the meeting.
RE: need you now - Maia - September 05, 2022
bein real vague <3 but since a few have dropped off
Maia was already fretting over other things, a little bit, when Eljay found her. She worried more about Lilitu now, and Nala too now that she had left them. Hymnal and Sylvie were on her mind as well, alongside Diantha and Jasmine and Roswell. All of them had gone their prospective ways, even if only for a little while, but she thought about them all every moment of every day it seemed.
She'd come so far, it felt, since the days when she used to wander carefree with Wraen. It was a bittersweet thought but she knew there wasn't much she would trade to get that back, even if she did sometimes miss it. Her sister was a different story, but trades didn't work like that.
Hey.Maia greeted Eljay as he came up, smiling. She'd been picking a bit at what was left of her lunch, but she sat up and pushed the bones to the side. He looked like he was looking for someone. Did he need something?
RE: need you now - Eljay - September 06, 2022
Perhaps it was in part the falling off of his older children that made Eljay feel like he wasn't doing his job as a father well enough. Either way, he wanted to be there more for his younger children and he could feel stress creeping up on him, much like it had when he'd been a part of Redhawk Caldera. He wasn't going to let it drive him away again like it had, then.
He found Maia sooner or later and Eljay smiled as he reached her.
Hey,he returned. He sensed there was some worry about her, too, but he didn't want to address it right now. He had to address his own thoughts. He'd already told Teya, after all.
I wanted to — ah...He tried to sugarcoat it, but in the end got a bit tongue-tied and decided to just throw it all out.
— I'm stepping down as Auspex. I... It's hard to keep up with everything, and I want to put us and our children first. I can't do that right now.He looked away guiltily, even though he knew Maia would support him. She always had, after all.
RE: need you now - Maia - September 06, 2022
His stumbling over the words set alarm bells off in her head immediately. He knew she wouldn't judge or be upset with most things, she liked to think! So whatever this was had to be serious, if he was so worried about saying it. She tried to make her look as understanding as she could while she waited for him to find the right words.
Oh... she was definitely worried. Maia looked at him carefully, taking in how tired he'd looked. Of course she'd noticed, and she'd tried to make things easier, but there was only so much she could do. Part of the problem was always going to be the way they tried to do so much and then always faulted themselves for not measuring up.
Are you sure? I'm not... it's okay, if you are. Obviously.She glanced down, then realized and looked back at him with a slight smile.
I mean, I'd kind of be a hypocrite if I said it wasn't, right? But just... if it's something else, something I can help with, I want to. If it's that you don't want it anymore, then I don't mind.
She'd been surprised that he took it, after all, and nothing but impressed and amazed with how she'd seen him grow into it. But when she looked at him, she never saw 'Auspex'. She just saw Eljay, and that's all she'd ever need him to be.
RE: need you now - Eljay - September 07, 2022
Maia seemed surprised and worried that he decided on this. Eljay frowned; he hadn't expected her surprise, and certainly not her worry. Wasn't it a good thing that he would have more time to spend with the family?
I just don't want to drown again, Maia,he said eventually, softly, but firmly.
And I want to be there for you and for the kids. More than I have. I think perhaps it's time someone a bit more spry takes over.He smiled at her; a frail but genuine smile that showed he had given this a lot of thought. He wasn't getting any younger, and was well aware of the fact that his parents had died around his present age. He planned to stick around a bit longer, of course, but he needed to slow down if he wanted that.
RE: need you now - Maia - September 07, 2022
Maia hadn't meant to make him defend it, but hearing the explanation was almost worse. Someone more spry. But he was fine. She nodded, but didn't trust herself to say anything for a moment.
Okay.She tried to smile like nothing was wrong and mostly managed it. It wasn't the fact that he was stepping down that bothered her. She understood, but it was getting harder to ignore that he was slowing down... just like Wraen had. Just like every other time she thought that, she felt that intense flutter of panic threatening to overwhelm her. She wasn't ready to lose anyone else, and especially not him.
Now it felt a bit like she might cry. Oh, that wasn't good, she should... yeah. She should go.
I'm... I understand. It's fine.She meant that and tried to be sincere as she could, holding her breath and her feelings back for now. This is so dumb. She didn't want him to think her being upset was his fault. It so very much wasnt.
RE: need you now - Eljay - September 08, 2022
Eljay didn't understand what was happening. It was clear that he had done something to upset Maia, that the news upset her. He wished that he could make it all alright — and right now, honestly wished he could take it all back — but he knew that he had to stick to his decision. He'd crashed down after thinking too much about others; he had to be honest with himself and with those he cared about, for everyone's sake. Eljay frowned and said,
Hey... It'll be alright.After a short, pregnant pause he added,
This is a good thing, right..?
RE: need you now - Maia - September 08, 2022
Yeah, it is. Sorry, it's... nothing. It's stupid.She was being stupid and letting herself panic over nothing. This was nothing like Wraen. She'd slowed down, yeah, and stepped down from leading, but she'd been sick. Stop. You're being such a spaz. Freaking out over literally nothing.
This wasn't something she could really share either.
I'm always going to be fine with anything you need to do.She added. Her worries weren't his fault and he didn't deserve to have to deal with them or work around them.
Promise.
RE: need you now - Eljay - September 12, 2022
Eljay had no idea what was going on in Maia's head, and it hurt that he wasn't being let in on whatever it was that was bothering her. He frowned, even though she said she would be okay with it, as always. He wanted to ask about it, and almost did, but in the end he stopped himself and decided against it.
Thanks,he said softly.
I'm looking forward to properly having time for you and the pups.They were growing so fast, and he felt like he was missing most of it.
We're going to vote about who becomes the new Auspex in a meeting soon.He looked at Maia and wondered if she would consider stepping up; and if she would, if the pack chose her. In Eljay's eyes, either Maia or Teya would do a great job and he was not so sure yet who he would vote for himself.
RE: need you now - Maia - September 12, 2022
Maia definitely felt the guilt of hiding her feelings. She couldn't find a way to share them that felt right, and this fear was something she tended to carry alone rather than acknowledge. Saying it out loud, especially to him, felt impossible.
Yeah.Teya was the obvious choice. Maia absolutely wanted it... she'd wanted it from the start, both to prove she could and because maybe, stepping into that place, she'd finally live up to what her sister had seen in her too. Maia couldn't help but feel like Wraen had wanted that for her. It felt odd, though, feeling that way when she'd stepped down the way she had. She wasn't entitled to any of it... not the way Teya was.
Teya's the obvious choice, right? If she wants it.She couldn't imagine anyone picking her over Teya, or imagine how Teya might feel about that. Probably terrible. It wouldn't feel great for her either, maybe, but at least she would know why and could get over it.
I mean... I've barely been Raven.She didn't know if there even really was a reason to vote. It felt so obvious already.
RE: need you now - Eljay - September 12, 2022
Maia seemed insecure about the voting thing, too, something that Eljay found hard to deal with. He never knew what to say when she felt like this. He'd given it a lot of thought who he would vote for, and he honestly didn't know yet. He wished that Maia had said she didn't want it, so that the choice would've been made a little easier, but instead she admitted that maybe she did want it. Not directly, again, but between the lines he felt like that was what she said.
Because it was better to know for sure, though, Eljay asked:
What do you think? Would you want it?
RE: need you now - Maia - September 12, 2022
The fact that Eljay cared meant a lot. She looked at him appreciatively, then sighed quietly.
Yeah. I do. But I know it wouldn't be fair. I don't think even I would vote for me.She smiled, a little ruefully, but without any real unhappiness. Teya was her friend and any disappointment she might feel was definitely not going to be an issue for long.
I chose stepping down. I think I kind of knew what I was doing, but I'm still glad I did it. Even if it means I just stay a Raven.That was pretty great too.
RE: need you now - Eljay - September 13, 2022
It was hard to decide what to do with Maia's words. Eljay said eventually,
I think you would make a great Auspex.He just needed to have said it. Maia always brought herself down, and even now she said that she thought Teya would make a better Auspex. It wasn't true. There was something to say for Teya having stayed a Raven and having proven herself a bit more to be able to handle the pressure, but that didn't mean that she would do better than Maia.
He added:
I think Teya would make a great Auspex, too. It'll be a tough choice between the two of you for anyone. Don't sell yourself short. You've been here from the beginning, too, Raven or not.Eljay reached out to nuzzle Maia's cheek with a soft smile on his face.
RE: need you now - Maia - September 13, 2022
It wasn't something she'd ever bring up, but the voice that wanted it knew that Brecheliant had been her idea from the beginning. She'd formed it with them so she and Wraen could stay near the caldera and she'd chosen both the place and the name, back then. But despite wanting it when Ibis got it, and even sort of wanting it when Eljay got it, she'd never felt right saying anything. They'd done an amazing job. She didn't have any more right to anything like that. That wasn't how the leadership here worked.
At least this time she'd said she wanted it. Maia reached out and nuzzled Eljay gratefully. She didn't quite believe it was going to be as hard as he said, but that didn't change that it was good to hear the validation.
Thanks. I'll be okay, really, if she steps up. But that really does mean a lot.It wasn't all about feeling she didn't deserve it. She just felt like, maybe, Teya deserved it a little more.
I just... don't want to get my hopes up, or feel like I should get it, when I know how great she'd be.She looked at Eljay, wondering if he'd understand. It was definitely a bit of a confidence thing, but that felt like the best way to be about it. Her mate was always a good resource with stuff like this. He was so good about letting her see herself the way he did.
RE: need you now - Eljay - September 14, 2022
Eljay had never been too eager to be a leader himself. The only reason he stepped up was because Teya had asked it of him, back when, and it seemed that Maia and Teya both were in a rough spot. Sure, he had loved Wraen and Ibis too, in his own way, but it was nothing compared to them. It made sense at the time. Now, he wasn't so sure; he was weary and needed more space, and Maia and Teya had blossomed considerably. Time tended to heal at least some of the surface soreness.
It was therefore hard for him to empathise with wanting such a position, considering he had never coveted it himself. However, he did understand a thing or two about being insecure. He understood that she didn't want to get her hopes up, even though it hurt him that she thought so little of herself.
I get that. It's okay to feel that way.Eljay smiled at Maia and touched her nose with his, gently.
RE: need you now - Maia - September 14, 2022
Maia looked at him warmly, grateful that he was so understanding and that, even after all this time, she'd somehow lucked out and ended up married to the best wolf she'd ever met.
Do... you want to handle it? The meeting, and all of that? Or do you want Teya and I to?If he was tired, and wanting to step down, she didn't want to leave all of that on his shoulders. She and Teya could gather everyone and announce it, maybe see how they felt about the next Auspex, and go forward from there.
You could talk to everyone, of course, but I don't mind talking to Teya and calling the meeting.
She'd need to talk to Teya anyway. She wanted to ask her if she wanted Eljay's role and she wanted to be honest about her own ambitions, just to clear the air and make sure they knew. Maia would step aside gladly if Teya did want it, but there was a small part of her that hoped not. She hadn't taken it yet, right? (Then again, neither had Maia).
RE: need you now - Eljay - September 20, 2022
Eljay smiled at Maia's suggestions, but shook his head.
That's very sweet of you, but I can handle it. I want to.He wanted to end things well, not fade into the background. Rank had never meant much for Eljay, but responsibility meant the world.
RE: need you now - Maia - September 24, 2022
You have to take advantage of it while you can. I can't believe I married someone so addicted to power.Maia teased him, lightening the mood and forcing any tension to the back of her mind where she could deal with it later.
Then she gave his cheek a kiss and looked towards home.
We should probably get back and make sure everyone is still in one piece.The kids all seemed to get along fine - until something happened, of course, to make them not. Siblings just tended to work that way.
RE: need you now - Eljay - September 28, 2022
Eljay chuckled at Maia's words. He liked that she had such a good sense of humour, even though he wasn't nearly as funny as Maia, himself. But it worked well: She was funny and he liked to laugh at funny things.
He then nodded at Maia's words.
Yes, let's,he agreed and while he still considered his choice of vote — by now, Eljay realised that he was unlikely going to make up his mind until he was there, on the spot — he headed home, feeling happy and blessed to be here, in Redhawk Caldera, with someone as wonderful as Maia, and with their beautiful family.