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+--- Thread: Redsand Canyon I got a hankering for four wide tires (/showthread.php?tid=53226)
I got a hankering for four wide tires - Fennec - November 01, 2022
tags for reference but also feel free to join. And this can be while she's napping or after, flexible on that so feel free to pp her
Fennec had stayed in Epoch for a good portion of the morning, catching up and talking with Towhee. She'd left as the afternoon was just starting to peak and traveled through the night to return back. The trip was just as uneventful, but she was still exhausted by the time she was approaching the den she and @Germanicus now shared. She couldn't wait to learn the path she'd taken well enough that it didn't require constant vigilance to take it without stepping off the wrong ledge or into the wrong winding trail. She'd had to backtrack once or twice, even coming back.
@Killdeer was the only other one who she actively needed to tell about her new... situation, but she'd started with Towhee for a reason. Fennec wasn't sure how to approach it. Honesty was her gut reaction - hey, I married Germanicus. I know it's out of the blue, but being alone sucked and he gets it. She didn't know if he'd understand. Fennec had been shit at navigating this whole divorce thing from the start.
After a nap she'd go look for him. Fennec yawned, then settled herself in the shade next to the den entrance. She didn't want to sleep for long, so she didn't go inside. Instead she was out almost immediately but with the usual, twitchy quality that meant she'd wake up if anything unexpected sounded nearby.
When she woke up she'd search the borders and training areas for Killer. She'd have been surprised if he hadn't sorted some of it out for himself by now.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Germanicus - November 01, 2022
the imperator was pleased to see her return. he had kept to mereo since his confusing interaction with meadow, though he often replayed the conversation in his head as he worked.
his step into the woodland was quiet. a plump wood-dove hung from his jaws. he followed the light path to their densite. ours was still a term to which he was acclimating. it was odd to share it with someone other than ruenna.
and if he was honest, the eagle still looked toward the main gates of the canyon quite often, wanting much to see her there though he knew things would be permanently changed between them.
fennec stirred as he approached. germanicus put down the dove nearby. "how was your visit?" his words were unhurried, and he took the moment of break from his tasks to sit down beside her.
his step into the woodland was quiet. a plump wood-dove hung from his jaws. he followed the light path to their densite. ours was still a term to which he was acclimating. it was odd to share it with someone other than ruenna.
and if he was honest, the eagle still looked toward the main gates of the canyon quite often, wanting much to see her there though he knew things would be permanently changed between them.
fennec stirred as he approached. germanicus put down the dove nearby. "how was your visit?" his words were unhurried, and he took the moment of break from his tasks to sit down beside her.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Fennec - November 01, 2022
She hadn't been asleep long when the sound of someone approaching had her snapping awake. She relaxed immediately when she recognized it as Germanicus, and could hardly be upset by the interruption when she detected that he came with lunch. She hadn't paused to eat over the course of the trip, and the only opportunity would have involved fighting a wolverine for its kill.
Bad news, she gave us twenty four hours before there's an army on our borders. I told her our love couldn't be stopped, so I guess now it's war.Fennec's mouth twitched up in a smile, and she poked at the bird with her nose.
Is this to share? Outrunning mom's attack dogs has me starved.
The entire visit had actually gone way better than she'd expected, and she wondered secretly if there were things her mom thought but hadn't been willing to share. Maybe not, though - Towhee lecturing her on relationships without love would have been pretty funny. Fennec didn't even have to bring up failed marriages to counter that one! Meerkat's existence was more than enough by itself.
She let the implications sit there though while she waited for an answer on the food. He'd probably know immediately that she was full of shit - if Towhee had actually sent someone after her, no way she'd have made it back without getting caught.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Germanicus - November 01, 2022
"it is for you." germanicus was not hungry but if fennec insisted on sharing he would do so. her dryness brought a touch of amusement to his features. "twenty-four hours is generous when we could encircle the vale in eight."
he looked out upon the shadows drawing comfortably around their den and thought that it was a very fine area. the imperator relaxed, relinquishing the proverbial armor. "you are fleet to outrun them, fennec."
our love. she had said it in jest. but given the bedrock of their relationship he did keep it in the back of his mind that anything about it was subject to change.
a wry look tipped him toward a true smile. "so your talk went well, then?" germanicus did wonder at how towhee and her family were faring in epoch. he hoped when the redhawk had mended, she would visit again. though this time it would be in a far different capacity.
he looked out upon the shadows drawing comfortably around their den and thought that it was a very fine area. the imperator relaxed, relinquishing the proverbial armor. "you are fleet to outrun them, fennec."
our love. she had said it in jest. but given the bedrock of their relationship he did keep it in the back of his mind that anything about it was subject to change.
a wry look tipped him toward a true smile. "so your talk went well, then?" germanicus did wonder at how towhee and her family were faring in epoch. he hoped when the redhawk had mended, she would visit again. though this time it would be in a far different capacity.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Fennec - November 01, 2022
I didn't realize we were so efficient.Fennec pulled the bird in and didn't argue with him, mainly because she actually was hungry. If he didn't want any then she wouldn't press it, though she might not finish all of it here and now.
She got a bit in before she paused to actually answer his question, licking blood from her lips as she recalled.
She was surprised, but she seemed fine with it. I told her that we were on the same page and that I trusted you.She said it casually, though it held a slightly deeper meaning for her than it might for him. Fennec wasn't a wolf who trusted easily.
Pretty sure she's just happy for a chance at grandkids next spring.They hadn't talked at length about it, but he might have outright said it at one point? Either way it was kind of implied.
She said the leader of Epoch wasn't a fan of yours, but didn't say why.It wasn't a question, but she hoped he would elaborate. She was intensely curious, and she wasn't about to pretend that it was for productive reasons. She just really wanted to know what he had possibly done to tick anyone off. From what she could tell he was almost frustratingly careful about everything - even the things that he said.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Germanicus - November 01, 2022
trust.
had he not said that marriage should be a vision of it? germanicus was pleased in a masculine way that he was able to inspire such in fennec. she went on and his dark ears flicked to hear her mention children again. the eagle had not revisited the subject since their first discussion, feeling no need to rush toward a formal agreement so soon.
two seasons separated them from that time. the imperator chose to exist at least for now in the present. it was a conscious decision and not without its difficulties. he listened to fennec speak and rolled the concept of their future over in his mind. there had been several complications with ruenna's pregnancy and the subsequent arrival of their litter.
and so there was already a small seed of trepidation in germanicus on that front. "when arsenio and i first spoke of an outpost in the vale, his condition was that kallik, aquene, and their family come with him to found epoch. lady ruenna stepped down from her post and i knew that lady aquene had worked hard for her position. i offered her the role of matrona and she accepted. he found this deceptive and withdrew himself as an outpost.'
he could not fault the man. the eagle revisited the concept of children in his mind. "and what are your thoughts for the springtime?" he asked after a moment, moving with careful tone around the subject.
had he not said that marriage should be a vision of it? germanicus was pleased in a masculine way that he was able to inspire such in fennec. she went on and his dark ears flicked to hear her mention children again. the eagle had not revisited the subject since their first discussion, feeling no need to rush toward a formal agreement so soon.
two seasons separated them from that time. the imperator chose to exist at least for now in the present. it was a conscious decision and not without its difficulties. he listened to fennec speak and rolled the concept of their future over in his mind. there had been several complications with ruenna's pregnancy and the subsequent arrival of their litter.
and so there was already a small seed of trepidation in germanicus on that front. "when arsenio and i first spoke of an outpost in the vale, his condition was that kallik, aquene, and their family come with him to found epoch. lady ruenna stepped down from her post and i knew that lady aquene had worked hard for her position. i offered her the role of matrona and she accepted. he found this deceptive and withdrew himself as an outpost.'
he could not fault the man. the eagle revisited the concept of children in his mind. "and what are your thoughts for the springtime?" he asked after a moment, moving with careful tone around the subject.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Fennec - November 01, 2022
So his Matrona had a mate in another pack and was supposed to go with. Fennec was surprised that she had agreed to stay for a rank, but those seemed to mean more in this pack than she'd considered in previous. Either way, it seemed a pretty small thing to end an alliance over. He must be tighter wound than Germanicus was.. No offense to her new husband but she hadn't thought that was possible. Credit where credit was due. He did appreciate her jokes.
Next spring. She might have misjudged since she wasn't expecting to be asked. Her expression likely showed her surprise momentarily before slipping back to neutral consideration.
I didn't want kids before I had Killer. Raising him changed that.It was one of the better things she'd ever done and certainly the most rewarding.
I decided after that I'd have the next ones with a stranger or not at all. I raised Killdeer alone, and it would be easier without the disappointment.She spoke frankly, inclining her head slightly in his direction.
Mom told me you have rules against that here. So I hadn't planned on anything.That was the last thing she had decided, but it was obvious that things had changed since then. She'd said 'chance' when speaking of Towhee because she still hadn't entirely made up her mind. She wasn't entirely sure their marriage would even last that long.
There was another question behind that, one she'd thought settled and now rose up again. If he didn't marry her for children, then why had he offered? What was he hoping to get from this?
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Germanicus - November 03, 2022
fennec seemed caught off-guard. the eagle was as well. he was not certain why he had asked.
she spoke directly of plans she had not made. she mentioned the rules he had put in place, the same by which he had come to the conclusion that he and she must marry.
and it was for a future, was it not? by the end of their discussion, the redhawk had all but capitulated to a pressure the imperator had not considered he was exerting.
he had not considered it then. he did so now. and he grew wary at the pregnant silence which held between them. "i know that an agreement upon children was part of this," germanicus said, opting also to be blunt. "but i wanted to put forth the possibility that we wait another year if you — if spring comes and you are not certain."
fennec had treated him well. he did not want her to feel coerced. he did not know if it was change or unsurety. but ruenna had spoken thoroughly of her want for children. and he thought of towhee's ironic role in all this.
she spoke directly of plans she had not made. she mentioned the rules he had put in place, the same by which he had come to the conclusion that he and she must marry.
and it was for a future, was it not? by the end of their discussion, the redhawk had all but capitulated to a pressure the imperator had not considered he was exerting.
he had not considered it then. he did so now. and he grew wary at the pregnant silence which held between them. "i know that an agreement upon children was part of this," germanicus said, opting also to be blunt. "but i wanted to put forth the possibility that we wait another year if you — if spring comes and you are not certain."
fennec had treated him well. he did not want her to feel coerced. he did not know if it was change or unsurety. but ruenna had spoken thoroughly of her want for children. and he thought of towhee's ironic role in all this.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Fennec - November 03, 2022
Their talks were always open. It was the thing that made her the most comfortable about this, but there were time when Fennec wasn't sure what her own hangups even were. She'd said she trusted him and she knew that she wanted children. For some reason, she balked at the idea of having them with him.
The fact that he was okay to wait helped, but she knew it wasn't the pressure that bothered her. If she'd taken issue with his proposal she would have turned it down flat and walked away easily. He couldn't force anything from her; it was something else. Instead of responding right away, Fennec took a moment to sort out what it was she felt about all of this.
It was impossible to know what the next few months would bring. Maybe that was the problem.
I'm not against it. But I'd need a promise first.Fennec began slowly. She needed to lay her cards completely on the table or she could already tell that this wasn't going to work. There was a very big qualifier on her trust in Germanicus; the fact that Ruenna had not returned. As long as her reappearance was a possibility, Fennec needed to be able to trust him regardless. For that she needed his word.
With pups, it wouldn't just be us anymore. But if Ruenna comes back, and you are given a choice, I need you to promise you won't lie. If she's the one you want to be with, you'll choose her and let me end this. Regardless of any children we might have.Fennec's voice was level, though she was choosing how she said it more carefully than usual. This was sensitive but it was also tremendously important.
You'd still be their father. I've been accused of blackmailing someone into a relationship they didn't want. I won't live like that again.
She couldn't stand the idea of everything they had - the good and the bad - becoming a lie. She didn't want him to become to her what Bronco had, a situation where she didn't know where the relationship began or ended, resulting in the entire thing becoming poisoned through the roots. She needed to know he would tell her what he wanted, even if when the time came, he felt she didn't want to hear it.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Germanicus - November 03, 2022
fennec spoke and germanicus saw her worry take root.
for a long moment the imperator was silent. he knew that ruenna was between them. he had said these things aloud. and yet he saw her hesitation and how she desired this vow above all else.
pain lanced through his eyes and for the sake of openness he allowed it to tinge his voice. "ruenna divorced me the day that she left." and now perhaps she might hear the root of his pain.
"i love her. i always may. but our marriage is ended. and i have made a new commitment. it is not a show of faith to put you aside, should she return, fennec. it is not an act of love." it was one of desperation. and he could not fathom that ruenna woul demand he end his bond to the principales.
he longed for the redsand woman to return and to look upon him with knowing eyes. his heart beat for it.
but it could not change the fact that germanicus had moved forward. "if she returns and my feeling is so great i would — consider something so unworthy, i promise i shall tell you." his voice was somber. he was not offended, he was shocked on fennec's behalf that she would ever have been hurt so greatly as to ask this of him now.
for a long moment the imperator was silent. he knew that ruenna was between them. he had said these things aloud. and yet he saw her hesitation and how she desired this vow above all else.
pain lanced through his eyes and for the sake of openness he allowed it to tinge his voice. "ruenna divorced me the day that she left." and now perhaps she might hear the root of his pain.
"i love her. i always may. but our marriage is ended. and i have made a new commitment. it is not a show of faith to put you aside, should she return, fennec. it is not an act of love." it was one of desperation. and he could not fathom that ruenna woul demand he end his bond to the principales.
he longed for the redsand woman to return and to look upon him with knowing eyes. his heart beat for it.
but it could not change the fact that germanicus had moved forward. "if she returns and my feeling is so great i would — consider something so unworthy, i promise i shall tell you." his voice was somber. he was not offended, he was shocked on fennec's behalf that she would ever have been hurt so greatly as to ask this of him now.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Fennec - November 03, 2022
She listened carefully as he responded. It made sense that she could hear the note of pain behind the words, but it still surprised her. If she was looking for any confirmation that this was necessary she supposed that was it. It didn't bother her still. Fennec hadn't gone into this hoping he'd change his mind and suddenly replace what was missing with her. She knew better than most how long that shit took to rewire - and she still wasn't whole herself.
She disagreed entirely with what he said first, but at least he agreed in the end. Fennec stayed where she was for a moment, toying idly with the feathers on the half-eaten bird.
Love isn't something you get to just choose to start or choose to stop. You don't get any more control over the when than you do the who. We knew that, and agreed on it, when we started this. That isn't something I expect.She didn't know if she'd even trust it if he said it. Certainly not now, maybe not ever.
It wouldn't be fair to either of us if she offered you that and you turned it aside for something like this. Any commitment we have only lasts as long as we both want it. Otherwise I'd rather end it now.
She didn't think he fully understood. She didn't want another man bound by his word and nothing else - she wanted honesty.
I wouldn't agree to stay in anything I didn't want. I just want the same consideration.She was tired, and the feeling stretched beyond physically. His vows meant nothing to her if she thought he'd stand behind them despite not meaning them. She wondered why it was so many wolves seemed keen on doing just that, as if it wasn't worse to pretend you cared just to protect your own selfish sense of honor.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Germanicus - November 03, 2022
germanicus was not certain he understood. and furthermore he did not think fennec understood how very loyal he had always been to such bonds. he wanted to prevail upon her to this end. ruenna had left him. if she came back with words of love it would not shift him away from what he had done.
he saw what she asked: do not remain in misery with me. she did not want to live with his longing.
germanicus knew now he had grieved too openly. it had created a secondary problem where before there was only the issue of his lingering love. now fennec feared he lived for the day to leave her. or perhaps it was not fear. pragmatism bound them both.
the imperator let out his breath. he touched her paw where it motioned among the limp down of the dove he had brought. "something like this is worth more i have words to say." it had made him feel secure and given him stability during a great upheaval in his life.
he no longer prized love over compatibility. and now for the sake of his wife he would begin to place his memories of ruenna into the vault of his mind. surely she lived without pain and, if she thought of him, she thought warmly of him. he would do the same. but he no longer wanted such doubt between fennec and himself.
germanicus knew now he must do as she had asked in the beginning: prove himself.
he saw what she asked: do not remain in misery with me. she did not want to live with his longing.
germanicus knew now he had grieved too openly. it had created a secondary problem where before there was only the issue of his lingering love. now fennec feared he lived for the day to leave her. or perhaps it was not fear. pragmatism bound them both.
the imperator let out his breath. he touched her paw where it motioned among the limp down of the dove he had brought. "something like this is worth more i have words to say." it had made him feel secure and given him stability during a great upheaval in his life.
he no longer prized love over compatibility. and now for the sake of his wife he would begin to place his memories of ruenna into the vault of his mind. surely she lived without pain and, if she thought of him, she thought warmly of him. he would do the same. but he no longer wanted such doubt between fennec and himself.
germanicus knew now he must do as she had asked in the beginning: prove himself.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Fennec - November 03, 2022
He didn't agree to it. She considered forcing the issue but decided to drop it with a tired breath out instead. Maybe it wouldn't matter anyway. None of this did so long as it was just the two of them, and for now, his intentions seemed to be fine. He had agreed previously, if his feelings were 'strong enough'. She'd let that be enough for now.
It was a pretty sentence, that this meant more than he could express, but she wondered if he only said it to appease her. It turned out there was one arena still where she had yet to trust, but he likely already knew this. She refused to concern herself with if this would ever be more than a transaction. No mateship could really claim to be more than that.
Before she'd even realized what she was doing, she'd settled herself back into her jaded place. His touch was welcome, but it didn't dispel the walls that remounted themselves around her.
If you ever find the words, trust that I can take them. I promise I won't ever be too afraid to tell you what I'm thinking. And that I only lie when it doesn't matter.Her expression did twist up to a bit of a smile at that.
It's on you to guess when that is.She was mostly joking, but this conversation had been a lot and she needed the break for a touch of insincerity. Too much honesty in one sitting left her feeling slightly defensive, similar to if she'd bared her throat to him.
Or I could just read your future and learn everything I'd ever need to know.Fennec leaned to find him, then tugged playfully at the fur near his shoulder. Her doubts about all of this wouldn't disappear overnight, but the agreement they'd made wouldn't either. That was a bridge they could cross when they needed to.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Germanicus - November 03, 2022
it was a good deal of sharing. germanicus felt them separate from one another and the conversation moved on. her nip at his shoulder was not truly registered.
they could trek forward now in their discourse. or they could continue. the tactician in him spoke of a forked path, one with peace and one without. and both necessary.
"you asked me to withhold nothing," the imperator said gravely. his head turned toward fennec, where by now she would sense the pressure of his eyes. "if ruenna returned it would not be the same between us as it was. you are not a placeholder for her. you are not a replacement. if you think live in longing to put you and any children aside the second she should arrive, then i see i must prove otherwise."
his offense versus her hurt. the eagle capitulated to that. they both ached for different reasons. "we had a marriage. it is ended. if she came back professing love, it would not change the fact i have made a new commitment to you."
he felt cold somehow, though he pulled closer to fennec now. "but you do not know her. she would no more expect me to put you aside than i would do it. and if she returned, it would be for aquillius and valiria, not for me."
this truth cracked him as a vase in lightning. germanicus grew rigid now and leaned back to where he had been.
they could trek forward now in their discourse. or they could continue. the tactician in him spoke of a forked path, one with peace and one without. and both necessary.
"you asked me to withhold nothing," the imperator said gravely. his head turned toward fennec, where by now she would sense the pressure of his eyes. "if ruenna returned it would not be the same between us as it was. you are not a placeholder for her. you are not a replacement. if you think live in longing to put you and any children aside the second she should arrive, then i see i must prove otherwise."
his offense versus her hurt. the eagle capitulated to that. they both ached for different reasons. "we had a marriage. it is ended. if she came back professing love, it would not change the fact i have made a new commitment to you."
he felt cold somehow, though he pulled closer to fennec now. "but you do not know her. she would no more expect me to put you aside than i would do it. and if she returned, it would be for aquillius and valiria, not for me."
this truth cracked him as a vase in lightning. germanicus grew rigid now and leaned back to where he had been.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Fennec - November 03, 2022
She was disappointed when he didn't respond to her jokes and attempts to move things to a lighter place. Instead he re-iterated what he'd already said. At first Fennec was annoyed; it seemed like he was doubling down on ignoring the simple thing she was asking for. It sounded to her, initially, as if he'd stay with her no matter what based on the value of an agreement made because they'd both given into the impulse of loneliness. For the first time she wondered if she'd made a mistake in agreeing to this. She wasn't anyone's responsibility.
Fuck.
My last marriage ended because it had to. He refused to trust me, no matter how hard I tried to prove oherwise, and told me that I was selfish when I finally asked for the things I wanted. But it still took him revealing that our entire mateship had been a lie for me to finally see we were done.They weren't understanding each other and she wondered now if it was because they didn't know the same kind of love. She had no idea what sort of woman Ruenna had been, but from what he'd said before, their marriage had not ended in flames. So she couldn't imagine not wanting to regain it if they were ever given the chance.
You told me that you wouldn't hear anything against her, and that her leaving wasn't any statement towards her loving you. Or you loving her. What else do you expect me to think?
She sat up, leaving the prey where it sat. She'd come back to it later; she wasn't hungry anymore.
Either you are the type who doesn't fight for the things that you love or you know that what I said the first time was true. It does matter. Her ending your marriage means she didn't love you enough to keep it, or to promise she'd come back.Fennec didn't mean to be cruel, but despite her tone being softer than when she began, the words still would likely cut. She didn't know how he would react to them, but she needed him to acknowledge if this was the truth. Otherwise she'd be left to wonder if he really was willing to drop love at the slightest whim, then chance a mateship with a complete stranger on another.
I don't know her... or you. That's why I'm asking, idiot. Not even Fennec would risk teasing him out loud after what she'd just said, but the comment entertained her. Of course she didn't know Ruenna or what their mateship had been like. That's why she was so cautious, placing herself in the middle of something that he'd revealed so little around.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Germanicus - November 04, 2022
it did cut. her tones were softer but it did not change the fact that fennec denied his love for ruenna had been strong or worthwhile.
the notion that she had not loved him enough to stay was dismal. germanicus found himself resistant, even as a sensation of numbness set around his heart. "we did not marry for love. we both wanted children and to build mereo. that we ended in sentiment was secondary."
he would not have divorced her. the eagle had been prepared to wait all the time it took for ruenna to heal. "i have a great respect for her. that is why i did not wish to hear."
a muscle leapt in his jaw. he stared into the forest around the den he shared with fennec, considering that it was a rich and appropriate place they had chosen.
he did not know why she insisted ruenna had not loved him. but as the silence stretched, that conception began to take root. his tongue felt glued inside his mouth, limbs heavy with an unseen darkness. why was destroying what he thought of ruenna, and she of him, so important to fennec?
"we never had these discussions. she was — content. and i was also. she ultimately left mereo due to the fact that many healers in the teekons had worked upon her pain to no avail. she went to seek respite and she did not intend to return, so she — relinquished me."
them. his yellowpaint eyes were empty. "perhaps you are right, fennec. perhaps she ceased her love because i failed her and allowed her to live in agony." he swallowed and closed his gaze. "so if she has gone and no longer bears sentiment for me, then it is unlikely she will return to seek a restoration of our marriage."
there was a pause. "i never would have fought her departure for that reason. it would not have been loving to demand that she stay. or to abandon what we created and our children who wished to remain in mereo. we decided together that this was how it must be." fighting for love was foolhardy. if a woman wished to leave him then who was the eagle to stand against it?
he felt as though all the healing he had done was rather bereft now, transformed back into seeping wounds. germanicus cleared his throat. "you must understand that for me, affection and duty are the same. a commitment made is not devoid of care. that i did not insist on love does not mean this was made in coldness, fennec."
his heart felt as if it were suppurating. "you are my wife, nor ruenna. and it is more than a title. it is lifelong." if she would have him. if she did not feel his closed nature mirrored that of her last husband.
the notion that she had not loved him enough to stay was dismal. germanicus found himself resistant, even as a sensation of numbness set around his heart. "we did not marry for love. we both wanted children and to build mereo. that we ended in sentiment was secondary."
he would not have divorced her. the eagle had been prepared to wait all the time it took for ruenna to heal. "i have a great respect for her. that is why i did not wish to hear."
a muscle leapt in his jaw. he stared into the forest around the den he shared with fennec, considering that it was a rich and appropriate place they had chosen.
he did not know why she insisted ruenna had not loved him. but as the silence stretched, that conception began to take root. his tongue felt glued inside his mouth, limbs heavy with an unseen darkness. why was destroying what he thought of ruenna, and she of him, so important to fennec?
"we never had these discussions. she was — content. and i was also. she ultimately left mereo due to the fact that many healers in the teekons had worked upon her pain to no avail. she went to seek respite and she did not intend to return, so she — relinquished me."
them. his yellowpaint eyes were empty. "perhaps you are right, fennec. perhaps she ceased her love because i failed her and allowed her to live in agony." he swallowed and closed his gaze. "so if she has gone and no longer bears sentiment for me, then it is unlikely she will return to seek a restoration of our marriage."
there was a pause. "i never would have fought her departure for that reason. it would not have been loving to demand that she stay. or to abandon what we created and our children who wished to remain in mereo. we decided together that this was how it must be." fighting for love was foolhardy. if a woman wished to leave him then who was the eagle to stand against it?
he felt as though all the healing he had done was rather bereft now, transformed back into seeping wounds. germanicus cleared his throat. "you must understand that for me, affection and duty are the same. a commitment made is not devoid of care. that i did not insist on love does not mean this was made in coldness, fennec."
his heart felt as if it were suppurating. "you are my wife, nor ruenna. and it is more than a title. it is lifelong." if she would have him. if she did not feel his closed nature mirrored that of her last husband.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Fennec - November 04, 2022
She didn't enjoy hurting him. But she finally understood, a little, what he meant. It was a completely different concept of marriage from what she'd been raised to believe mateship was. She'd never experienced something permanent like the thing he spoke about.
Believe it or not, I don't want to destroy what you had.Fennec replied after a moment. She had her sightless gaze trained distantly at the ground, shoulders slightly tensed. Fennec hadn't ever gotten to know her 'aunt' all that well, and they'd clashed more often than not. Ruenna had never seemed interested in understanding the why behind her behavior. Germanicus at least seemed willing to provide the space for it. Still, she'd never hated her, and sshe knew her mom's feelings too. All of it just complicated things more.
And I didn't mean to imply that you failed. Just that she failed you in what I think this is supposed to be.Fennec knew she needed to explain.
I've been left more than once, and every time they told me it was for my own good, when really they just didn't want to try. They assumed I couldn't help with whatever it was that was wrong, and they knew that leaving was easier.She'd left too... but that was before. After she never had.
Nothing feels worse than having someone assume you're worthless without giving the chance to prove you aren't. I want to make sure you don't give up so easily.
This was the most she'd ever spoken to anyone about this, and the deepest she'd ever delved into these insecurities she carried. It wasn't a comfortable place for her to be but it also felt necessary. She wished she could have found the words to say these things - perhaps everything would have been different. But with Bronco, arguments had always intensified, and especially towards the end, she had never felt heard. Nothing would have changed. Germanicus was a different kind of man.
To me, this is a partnership. That means sharing our problems, and the things we feel, and working through them. Especially if it's something that affects the way we are towards each other. No matter how upsetting, or insulting, we think those problems might be. I don't give a shit about your pride when it's just the two of us... or mine. I care about knowing what's going on so I'm not left wondering what I did wrong.
Ruenna had never seen her as a healer any more than Germanicus, but Fennec could have tried if they'd asked. She'd have exhausted the wilds altogether before ever telling someone she loved that they weren't enough to help. Germanicus was closed off, but Fennec wondered if that extended to things between them. This conversation was already revealing for them both.
Another thought stilled her, making her fall silent. How many times had she regretted forcing Bronco to stay, despite the love they confessed for each other? But in that moment she knew, clearly, that if she was presented the same choice she'd have chosen the exact same even now. Fennec just couldn't bring herself not to fight for the things she cared about. Even if that meant she eventually destroyed them.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Germanicus - November 04, 2022
inadvertently she touched upon a nerve of his anguish. germanicus did not expect the sensation that flowed through him at her reassurance against destruction.
as she spoke, the eagle began to truly understand why fennec had ever consented to the sort of marriage he had offered. she had been abandoned more than once, the reason given that it was for her own emotions. as if being left behind somehow freed the one who had been put aside.
had ruenna meant the same for him? she had done so in love but now he grappled with it. and now the words of the goldspun woman alongside him made him wonder if the redsand wife had thought along the lines of those who had left fennec. and that did not settle well upon his spirit.
in the end, who could know her motivations? she was gone. he must accept she would not come back.
his wife's firmness that this be a partnership where all things were shared brought an expression to his face that answered in agreeability. she had tensed and he softened through the speaking. and now if she allowed, he meant to embrace her and pull her against his side.
"i do not have anything more to prove to her," he said quietly. "if she had said she would one day return, i would have waited. to the end of my life i would have waited. but it was not what she desired." and he hurt to say it. the vulnerability that simmered around he and fennec right in this moment was harshly uncomfortable but he knew it surely was the same for her and for the sake of this partnership they must remain in this space.
"i want now to prove to you that i do not work by whim or by fancy." he exhaled. "if bronco returned and offered you what you wonder if ruenna would offer me: renewed love and a partnership, would you go?" she loved him. or she had. and he had hurt her deeply.
but the eagle was starting now to wonder if fennec intended love later when she had come to trust him.
and he wondered if his own emotions would be able to meet her own should that time come.
as she spoke, the eagle began to truly understand why fennec had ever consented to the sort of marriage he had offered. she had been abandoned more than once, the reason given that it was for her own emotions. as if being left behind somehow freed the one who had been put aside.
had ruenna meant the same for him? she had done so in love but now he grappled with it. and now the words of the goldspun woman alongside him made him wonder if the redsand wife had thought along the lines of those who had left fennec. and that did not settle well upon his spirit.
in the end, who could know her motivations? she was gone. he must accept she would not come back.
his wife's firmness that this be a partnership where all things were shared brought an expression to his face that answered in agreeability. she had tensed and he softened through the speaking. and now if she allowed, he meant to embrace her and pull her against his side.
"i do not have anything more to prove to her," he said quietly. "if she had said she would one day return, i would have waited. to the end of my life i would have waited. but it was not what she desired." and he hurt to say it. the vulnerability that simmered around he and fennec right in this moment was harshly uncomfortable but he knew it surely was the same for her and for the sake of this partnership they must remain in this space.
"i want now to prove to you that i do not work by whim or by fancy." he exhaled. "if bronco returned and offered you what you wonder if ruenna would offer me: renewed love and a partnership, would you go?" she loved him. or she had. and he had hurt her deeply.
but the eagle was starting now to wonder if fennec intended love later when she had come to trust him.
and he wondered if his own emotions would be able to meet her own should that time come.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Fennec - November 04, 2022
That was what she needed to hear. She wouldn't hold it against him that he'd listened, but if it came down to it, she didn't want to be with someone who chose the easier path. If problems arose down the line, and the road forked in a similar way, she needed him to offer solutions before proposing they part ways. He said this thing between them was permanent, but that meant nothing if permanent was just ignoring any issues and hoping they went away. Her mateship with Bronco could have been permanent too... if she had been willing to live with it.
She tensed momentarily when he reached to pull her in, but then shifted to lean against him. She wondered if she'd ever stop expecting him to react poorly to these discussions. It didn't feel right that they hadn't even yelled, but he was holding her now as if something had been resolved. His question caught her by surprise.
She thought it would be obvious.
Never.The reply was immediate, but a moment later she elaborated. If she needed reassurance then maybe it was only fair that he did too, despite the fact that she felt she'd already said most of it. He'd said the same things a dozen times too.
The love he wanted wasn't the kind I needed. Love wasn't what was important. He didn't trust me and he lied to me. Not even about the little things, but about the things that were most important. Things he held against me in the end.She finally relaxed more into his hold, resting her cheek on the side of his chest.
That's why I told you the most important things for me at the start. I just wanted to make sure you meant it when you said you understood.
Love without those wasn't love. Ignoring those meant telling her, over and over again, that the way she felt and the things she wanted didn't matter. She would take consideration and respect over love any day. That was why she'd agreed to this - because Germanicus had offered her something she'd never experienced before. Actual trust.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Germanicus - November 04, 2022
germanicus dipped his muzzle to smooth her forehead. at the beginning of their relationship he had performed touch as something fennec needed and he did not.
he had held her many times and many ways since then.
this time it felt natural how she melded against him and how his heartbeat had slowed to a canter due to her presence. the eagle considered that he had come to depend on the consistency of sleeping and rising with fennec and their shared words, even if they were not at this intensity so often.
this time it felt as though germanicus wanted it as well.
bronco had deprived fennec of trust. repeatedly, from the sound of it, repeated lies. she did not want that again. and the eagle would ensure it did not come to be.
"i have no qualms about what this is and what we have chosen to prioritize. if i ever had a single misgiving, i promise to bring it to you. i do not want to live in a world of unsaid things." as far as he could see, fennec was very tired of this potential.
now he fell silent, lapsing into peace for a time.
he had held her many times and many ways since then.
this time it felt natural how she melded against him and how his heartbeat had slowed to a canter due to her presence. the eagle considered that he had come to depend on the consistency of sleeping and rising with fennec and their shared words, even if they were not at this intensity so often.
this time it felt as though germanicus wanted it as well.
bronco had deprived fennec of trust. repeatedly, from the sound of it, repeated lies. she did not want that again. and the eagle would ensure it did not come to be.
"i have no qualms about what this is and what we have chosen to prioritize. if i ever had a single misgiving, i promise to bring it to you. i do not want to live in a world of unsaid things." as far as he could see, fennec was very tired of this potential.
now he fell silent, lapsing into peace for a time.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Fennec - November 04, 2022
Fennec closed her eyes instinctually as he brushed across her forehead. She had been honest to the point of vulnerability and a part of her was nervously aware of this. She hadn't meant to outwardly compare him to Bronco or Penn.
I believe you.He hadn't given her any reason not to so far. It felt like they were still on a similar page, even if the lines looked a little different. He wanted a commitment he could fill and she wanted someone who wouldn't shy away from hard conversations. Those two things fed into the same underlying goal.
If things stay like this, then I'd like to try this spring.She searched until her paw could find his, similar his movement before, and she could feel the roughness to his claws as she brushed over them.
I'll have to tell Killdeer soon.She wouldn't tell Germanicus what to do with his own children, but she wouldn't keep a secret like this. Even if, outside of sleeping arrangements and casual touch, very little had changed. Siblings would be a larger adjustment and she wondered if he would mind.
Now that they'd settled, Fennec wanted to pull him into the den and continue her nap with company. Instead she played with her grip on top of his. He'd taken time out to talk with her about this and she appreciated it, but he'd likely need to go soon. She had things she needed to take care of too.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Germanicus - November 04, 2022
"and i must tell aquillius and valiria." neither of them would be pleased, he suspected. their father choosing to move on marked the end of a chapter where ruenna was in their lives. he must only assure them that they were not to be replaced.
he held her paw for a moment and cleared his throat. "i have an hour." the eagle was at the top performance of his duties. a time spent with fennec was pleasant. and he did not yet want to depart their space. she understood that his tasks held him, and likewise she had her own.
fennec wished to try for this spring. germanicus found he had not taken it for granted no matter what had been said before. and so he discovered a quiet anticipation. his yellow eyes rested upon her and he waited for the woman to send him away or keep him there for a time.
he held her paw for a moment and cleared his throat. "i have an hour." the eagle was at the top performance of his duties. a time spent with fennec was pleasant. and he did not yet want to depart their space. she understood that his tasks held him, and likewise she had her own.
fennec wished to try for this spring. germanicus found he had not taken it for granted no matter what had been said before. and so he discovered a quiet anticipation. his yellow eyes rested upon her and he waited for the woman to send him away or keep him there for a time.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Fennec - November 04, 2022
I traveled through last night. I'll probably stay here a little longer.Night and day didn't generally make much difference to her. She was still tired, and if she wanted her talk with Killdeer to go as well as it could, she needed to show up prepared. How much did he like Germanicus? How much did he like his dad?
You can stay, if you want, but I don't mind if you have better things to do.Talking was one thing, sharing space just to do it was another. Fennec settled herself down, similar to the way she'd been when he first approached, but kept her head up while she waited for his choice.
An hour was about as long as she'd wanted to spend anyway. If he stayed she'd have a convenient alarm, but asking explicitly for it after everything they'd just talked about felt like too much. Fennec had complained enough in the last little while; she really didn't need him getting the idea that she was going to go clingy on him. He could keep her company if he wanted to.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Germanicus - November 04, 2022
"there is nothing on my list of tasks which is better than that." he sensed a detachment, and had he not felt it before from fennec, it might have been no question. she mirrored his own studious disinterest. there was no obligation which silently reached from her.
she lay down again. germanicus shifted in such a way where she might lay her head beside his forelegs, or upon them.
he would take his nap sitting upright as they had learned to do in their first tour. the birdsong in the forest was a gentle aria. he relaxed against her warmth.
but he would wait for fennec to truly sleep before he followed suit, protective of her peace in this moment.
she lay down again. germanicus shifted in such a way where she might lay her head beside his forelegs, or upon them.
he would take his nap sitting upright as they had learned to do in their first tour. the birdsong in the forest was a gentle aria. he relaxed against her warmth.
but he would wait for fennec to truly sleep before he followed suit, protective of her peace in this moment.
RE: I got a hankering for four wide tires - Fennec - November 04, 2022
Really? I can think of a few on mine.She replied with wry humor, but at the same time moved herself to make space where she sensed he was circling. She wound up nestled side to side, her head resting on his forelegs.
Between the birdsong, how tired she was, and his presence, it didn't take her long to fall asleep. She knew she'd wake up if he did, and his watch allowed her to sleep more deeply than she could ever manage alone. The past few days, with exception of her trip, had left her better rested than she had felt in a long time.