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+--- Thread: Rising Sun Valley Wake me (/showthread.php?tid=55056)
Wake me - Tauris - March 13, 2023
Any and all welcome!
There were similarities here to her Northern home, when the confining mountains laden in winter’s final storm blended with the colorless sky, and the trees that grew spindly and bare, had their roots revealed in a melt of snow.
This was by sight a softer country, but the midlands were surprisingly rough under paw, and not easily accessible. Crossing through the briar was not so simple as towing from point to point, a straight line through tidy prairie or cleanly from one destination to the next. She moved about a tangle of branch, the clouded day alternating light and dark, and a trio of squabbling ravens adrift in her wake. They too had come to see what food the wolf would persuade from the brambles, and if they might share in it.
Tauris allowed them to pick at the bones of her half-finished muskrat as she sprawled out in a loafing state to clear remnants of the kill from her paws.
RE: Wake me - Reverie - March 15, 2023
For reference, Tazi and I agreed to set this very near to Swiftcurrent so Rev isn't gone for too long <3
Reverie made her way back to Swiftcurrent Creek slowly from her meeting with Bjarna, though she was uncertain that she wanted to. Some time had passed, a few hours maybe, likely not long enough to be noticed by Lestan just yet. He would not follow her from the Creek again, she felt. It would be easy to disappear. But then she remembered the changes she had been noticing in herself, and found she could not shake the nagging thoughts that were taking root.She thought of Jakoul and felt sick. Reverie chose a direction and started to walk, blindly, until she stumbled upon Tauris finishing a meal. She stopped and could only stare for a moment. Then she vomited into the melting snow, overwhelmed by the scents of blood and death.
RE: Wake me - Tauris - March 15, 2023
A sudden burst sent her ravens sputtering into the sky and the creature into coil, her arctic hackles bristling, spreading herself flat over the sweating stone in upset, until the fear in her look of surprise softens to elation. She casts a vertical glance to make sure it really was her.
Gold girl!
Her body unwound, greeting the familiar face with quick thumps of tail and falling into playful bow, parting her lips to gather her scent…
But then there was vomit.
“Reverie!” A shriek cracked and she dove towards her, circling with low whines, searching with a frenzied nose for sign of illness or injury and finding none. That was certainly one way to greet a…friend. Were they friends? She was fond of the girl, drawn to her in perhaps a few ways.
“You alright, kid?”
RE: Wake me - Reverie - March 15, 2023
Tauris was immediately concerned, and Reverie could not blame her. She tried not to shrink back from the inspection, suddenly embarrassed.
Yes,Reverie answered the question too quickly, and immediately corrected herself.
No.No, she was not alright. Except... she was more alright now than she'd been when they last met.
I don't know,Reverie sighed.
It's complicated.The last few weeks had been complicated; figuring out herself and her needs in a way she had never had to do before, stepping carefully around Lestan's slow wilting, finding ways to help Jakoul through the intricately-braided mix of horror and fascination Reverie felt regarding pregnancy and children. And then this. Whatever this was! Reverie was still vacillating between denial and acceptance.
RE: Wake me - Tauris - March 15, 2023
She’d feel the girl’s shameful flinch and how her words darted from one response to the next, as if none would quite satisfy, or otherwise convey muddled thoughts adequately. Perhaps these were attempts to keep her novel acquaintance at a certain distance, but Tauris believed it more likely that Reverie wrestled with some sort of internal turmoil. A sinking sadness pooled with that.
Fuck, she wasn’t good at this. Wasn’t good with emotions or talking. She’d always known it, and everyone who met her knew it too as soon as she opened her mouth. She had no comforting bedside manner, no knowledge on how to take away hurt.
Except, she knew how to be a sister. So that is what Tauris did.
“Hey, you’re ok. Do you wanna… talk about it?” She asked and settled herself at Reverie’s side.
RE: Wake me - Reverie - March 15, 2023
Did she want to talk about it? Reverie watched Tauris settle, feeling a little guilty, and leaned into her side if she allowed it.
Maybe,She said, frowning, thinking of how she'd broken down in front of Arric and then Bjarna. That hadn't been great. So maybe she should choose a calmer time to talk — although she wasn't sure right now was the best time she could have chosen.
I think something is - happening to me,It was different, voicing her suspicion to someone who could understand what she was saying.
I'm too young to have children, I know that. But I've been gaining weight, and there's just been - little things -Reverie cut herself off, forcing herself to gloss over all the uncomfortable details.
And I'm in a weird spot. It's a long story, but I ended up staying somewhere for - well, for a guy! And I've had to change so much about myself to try and make it work. But it's not. Working, I mean. He makes me happy, but I don't think I make him happy.
So it's all just... complicated,She finished.
And I don't know what to do. I wasn't in the best place when I made the decision to stay, but it's because I stayed that I'm doing better now. Because of him. So I owe it to him to figure out what's best now, at least. I just don't know what that is.
RE: Wake me - Tauris - March 15, 2023
“A boy, huh?” She teased, though not to belittle Reverie’s dilemma, rather in attempt to make lighter a subject so harrowing as trusting another with express happiness. She felt a tightening in her throat, eyes turning elusive. Tauris had known companionship, had taken partners on nights when stringent inner order succumbed to a leak of loneliness.
But not love. Never love.
And certainly, with the fervor in which she spoke, that was akin to what Reverie held for this boy. And Tauris was out of her depth. So she lingered in silence a moment more, before relying upon her logic, and trying, with summoned patience, to consider things not through her own jaded lens, but from Reverie’s point of view.
The stress of her mind and body was critical. But at first, she sought to understand in full.
“Do you love him?” She asked pointedly. Importantly.
RE: Wake me - Reverie - March 15, 2023
A boy; Reverie couldn't help but smile softly at that, and a small giggle even escaped her, because it felt ridiculous to think of Lestan as a boy. He was older than her! But Tauris couldn't know that, of course. And it did help, in a way, to trivialize all of it.
Was she really in such a fit over a boy?
I do,She confirmed Tauris's suspicions without even thinking about it. Reverie had never lacked for love to give. She wanted to go on, to tell Tauris that love was not always enough, that sometimes it could make you quite miserable. But she withheld it, because she was finding that her own view of things did not often hold up to what others saw as reality.
RE: Wake me - Tauris - March 15, 2023
“Listen, it wouldn’t be fair for me to remark on your relationship. But Reverie, I do know you shouldn’t have to change who you are just because someone else has a problem with it.” In fact, the idea of it was enough to rile. Her face caught half in consolation, the other in anger. Who was this “guy” that sought to change her? Fuck him.
Even if immediate inclination was to strike at perceived insolence, she had sense enough to shrewdly measure her phrasing. Her role was as a confidant, and not a savior. Reverie would partner as she saw fit. Clearly this one did good for her, in his way. Tauris looked at her muddy paws, then into the gold of Reverie’s eyes, lastly over the wide, out-flung gray of the sky.
“Though…I suppose there is no love without compromise. Maybe love is willingness to compromise. Maybe there is never a 'what is best now', only 'what is good enough, for now'.” She smiled wanly. “You are hurting. I think that is what love looks like.”
RE: Wake me - Reverie - March 15, 2023
Reverie was quiet for a moment, thinking on what Tauris had said. She thought in that moment about other conversations, many others with many different wolves. It was overwhelming. How was she to decide who was worth her time, who truly loved her, and what was good enough?
Maybe the real lesson here was that no one really knew what was best, or what path led to happiness. Maybe compromising meant that she would have to stop fighting every piece of life that wasn't perfect. Reverie took a breath and reminded herself that not every moment could be beautiful.
She decided then that she would not break herself under Lestan's dissatisfaction. Whatever he felt, it was not her responsibility. She loved him enough to stay, to try to make him happy — but on the day he told her otherwise, when it finally came, she would not break. That would be her compromise. It would be good enough until he said it was not.
I'm not sure I know what's good enough either,She confessed softly.
I'm afraid he's unhappy because of me. But he hasn't said that he is. So maybe... I'll just wait until he does. And if he never does, then I guess I'll know that this is good enough.
I'll be okay either way,Reverie said, and she knew that was true, at least.
I spent a long time thinking I'd never get married. Men are pretty, but a lot of work!
RE: Wake me - Tauris - March 15, 2023
“Men are fairly tolerable,” She gave shrug to a bony shoulder, “ in small doses.” She added with sardonic grin.
“Rev, you’ve got an infinite number of roads you can take. Are you going alone?” Her gaze rested on Reverie, “Or is ‘he’, beside you? And if he is,” she gently prodded the girl’s flaxen chest with a shadowy paw, “you owe it to him to talk to him. Don’t hang your happiness on waiting for him to bring it up.” She softly held her dark cheek over the girl’s own, the most reassuring touch her flighty affliction would muster.
“Frankly- he’s crazy if he isn’t happy being with you.” Reverie was the wolf who, at every turn, had shown Tauris compassion. She was the good in this world. She deserved her peace, Tauris wanted to see that she got it.
RE: Wake me - Reverie - March 16, 2023
Reverie was a little surprised at Tauris's assertion, and thought then of Moss. She'd always assumed that it would be different for women in other places. She'd always tried to avoid thinking the worst of anyone. But it seemed that the women she met here all felt similarly about men, similarly to the way it had always felt in The Gilded Sea. So maybe... men everywhere were the same, too?
She still felt Lestan was different, though. He was a man who spoke gently and cried openly, one who wore his worries and his affections both on his sleeve. He was so very unlike any man she'd ever known, and despite how badly she wanted to take comfort in Tauris's words, she did not want to blame him entirely for this. It would have been easy, but it wouldn't have been right.
It was bad enough that she resented him, after all. Reverie loved him enough to feel guilty for that, and for painting him in such a terrible light to Tauris. She closed her eyes and only soaked in the closeness for a moment.
The thing is,Reverie said softly when she finally spoke.
Well, I'm kind of the crazy one. I have problems with - a lot of things. Commitment. Regulating my emotions. Knowing what's real and what isn't.
I was out of control when I came to the Creek. I hadn't been sleeping or eating properly for... a long time. I wasn't thinking clearly. Lestan was pretty upset about it,She grimaced a little at the memory.
I asked him a couple weeks ago. Asked if I was making him unhappy. He didn't say no. He said he didn't know what to do for me.
So I just started pretending to be normal, which is a lot harder than it sounds. After the first week I started feeling better. Not fixed, but better. But he didn't,She sighed.
I feel alone.
RE: Wake me - Tauris - March 16, 2023
Curses, she was going to wear herself out with all the overthinking she does! Or maybe she already had, given present circumstance.
“Reverie,” Tauris fixed her with a softening stare, a gentle voice to lure her from the storm. “I think you need to accept yourself.” She was enough- and couldn’t she see it? “Every part of you. Even the 'crazy' parts.”
She was so wound up, trying to sculpt herself to self-imposed ideals. She would dedicate the entirety of her life to chasing down unattainable perfection. Of course, verbally acknowledging this was simple- in practice a much harder thing to master. Tauris could relate well to that.
“Maybe your creek boy’s sad because he knows you haven’t- and there’s not a way he can help you. You’re the only one that can help yourself,” the idea presented with a tilt of head and question upon her brow. She knew it was more possible to feel lonely in a congested den than vacant wilderness.
“And once you do that, maybe you won’t feel alone. Even when you are,” She’d finish with a thin smile. How many days had Tauris been alone? Too many to make proper count of. She could not help but imagine the rich life Reverie held, with her pack and her boy and her beauty. And Tauris was a little embarrassed by her sullied pelt and mangled rat scrap.
But she did not feel alone, not in this moment.
RE: Wake me - Reverie - March 16, 2023
Maybe she was meant to find some kind of personal growth in Tauris's words. Reverie was pretty sure that was what was intended, anyway. Honestly? All she took from it was that she wanted Tauris to stay with her. A few weeks ago she might have wanted to leave with the girl instead. But she didn't want to run, or to be alone, not anymore. It was still instinct, but it wasn't a true desire.
I don't feel alone when I'm with you,She said after a moment. Or Moss, or Bjarna, or Jakoul... and Reverie was at least clever enough to recognize a theme here. They were women, all of them, and they all seemed to understand something that men never did. Even Lestan.
Thank you, Tauris. For listening, and for... understanding.
I think I'm learning to be okay with myself. I've made a lot of progress, you know? It takes time, though. I can't always be sure which feelings are real and which ones are... sickness,Reverie allowed herself a little bit of praise, then.
I'm a little proud of myself anyway. My family always said I'd never get better without them.
RE: Wake me - Tauris - March 17, 2023
“I don’t either,” she felt a bit timid in admitting that. So few friends she’d made in her travels. In fact, it was quite possible Reverie was the only one. And she knew when Reverie was gone, returned to her pack, Tauris’ mind would drift over the girl and how she was faring. Just as it did for her brothers and sisters, and all the family she’d since parted with.
And when she’d made her admittance in kind, the dark girl would smile shyly and reach for a bone with which to fidget. “Some family,” words drew between a grimace of fang, “Sounds like you’re better off with your creek pack, after all.”
“What’s this about weight gain, then?” Pale eyes studied the girl as she inquired. Reverie looked… healthy. Better, than when they had first met last month, even.
RE: Wake me - Reverie - March 18, 2023
Weight gain. Reverie grimaced slightly, unwilling to let go of the warmth of companionship in favor of the cold reality of her situation.
I think I might be pregnant,She admitted softly, fighting the urge to gag on the word.
Which doesn't make any sense. I should have gone into heat first, and I don't think I'm even old enough for that...
But I know the signs of pregnancy. I trained as a healer for a long time,Reverie studied Tauris for her reaction to the news. She didn't know what kind of reaction she wanted, to be honest. If she had a choice in it she might have kept it to herself forever.
RE: Wake me - Tauris - March 18, 2023
A long silence stretched between them and when at last Tauris drew breath she could only manage an “…Oh.”
Because the idea of Reverie becoming a mother when she was scarcely an adult herself was unsettling to her. And Tauris grieved for all the youthful years Reverie would never have, caught between her anxiety and parenting.
Would she go easy into motherhood? Would she take to her children, would her creek boy stay? Or would she grow to resent this new life, carved with responsibility, or regret?
Reverie’s face was solemn in the silver light, so too was Tauris’. “How do you feel about it?” She asked.
RE: Wake me - Reverie - March 19, 2023
Seeing Tauris's response, Reverie found herself wishing for a fierce moment that someone would take the news happily. It was stupid, really. There was nothing good about this situation. It wasn't planned or wanted or rooted in any sort of stability, all things that Reverie knew were quite important.
Maybe she just wanted someone to be confident in her ability to handle this, to become a mother. But that was stupid too, wasn't it? Reverie was not fit to be a mother.
I don't know,More forlorn than ever, but there was a thoughtful quality to her tone.
I thought I'd have more time to decide how I feel about motherhood. My own parents - they always told me that was a woman's purpose. To be a wife, and a mother, and nothing else.
They were miserable with each other. I don't want what they had, but I thought... maybe with Lestan, it could be different,He was nothing like her father, and Reverie liked to think that she had very little in common with her own mother. How could it be anything but different?
But I don't know anymore. I don't know if he wants that, and I don't know if I trust myself to raise children without him. I forget things sometimes; important things. What if I...
She took in a sharp breath and could not finish the thought.
But if I put aside all my fears, I think maybe I'd like to be a mother. To bring a new person into the world and - give them the freedom and support to become what they want. I think that would make me happy. I spent so long surrounded by fear and expectations.
RE: Wake me - Tauris - March 20, 2023
Tauris did not think parenthood noble by default. Even if, biologically, that was the thing for wolves to do. But in their limited time together, Reverie’s maternal instincts were apparent, and if this is what the young wolf wanted, then Tauris would work on finding a way to support her.
“Your Lestan sounds like a good man. But even so, your pack will help you.” Packs loved puppies. She’d seen the most stoic adults melt before their little presence. And besides, pups were the spread of genes, the growth of numbers, a stronger claim to territory. Packs needed pups.
“And um, I can… pupsit.”
Nope, she could not. But it seemed like the polite thing to say to Reverie at the time. The right thing.
Tauris didn’t know the first thing about children, or their wormy little bodies, or razor-sharp chompy puppy teeth. She only knew that if not enough of the right words spoken, or otherwise too many of the wrong ones, they would be traumatized for the entirety of their lives, well into their adult years and their children and future generations yet to come, and thus creating, a never-ending cycle of trauma and pain…
....She’d clear her throat of the existential dread. A panic for another time. Reverie needed her right now, and though she did not know how to help, for her friend she would try.
She moved her paw to settle lightly overtop the girl’s golden one, giving a squeeze.
“You’re not alone in this.”
And that was more than truth. It was a promise.
RE: Wake me - Reverie - March 20, 2023
She smiled when Tauris said that Lestan sounded like a good man, because he truly was; the best she'd ever met, even with his faults. That was why there could never be another, not for her. That was why she even considered that she might keep these children despite the circumstances; not for him, but because they would be made from him, from their love for one another. There was something beautiful about the notion.
But what truly brought her comfort was the implication that Tauris would be there with her through it. Tauris, who was everything Reverie wished she could be; beautiful and feral and completely free, with the courage to roam the world untethered. At least Reverie had landed herself the most beautiful man this side of Teekon. A consolation prize, if you will.
I appreciate you, Tauris. Maybe - will you visit me sometime soon?She asked with hope glimmering in her gaze, taking comfort in the gentle press of Tauris's paw to her own.
You could meet Lestan, too. Swiftcurrent Creek is just that way.Reverie gestured with her nose.
RE: Wake me - Tauris - March 20, 2023
Her ears would fall with the offer as she contended with how to answer Reverie, and how to explain that she’d belonged to a pack once before and had seen what happens to encroaching lone wolves. Especially with the coming season, when mothers were expecting or already nursing their newborn pups, and fathers vigilantly guarded their brood. Tauris would not expect them to take kindly to drifter like her at their border.
But Reverie’s face held no such fear. Perhaps in Swiftcurrent Creek, things were different. She’d be finding out, either way.
“I’d like that.” She said nothing more, just continued to rest her paw over the other’s.
A quiet, but constant companion.