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+--- Thread: Rising Sun Valley I know I'm not your intended dose (/showthread.php?tid=55273)
I know I'm not your intended dose - Reverie - March 25, 2023
No one can stop me from posting sad read onlys. Set March 31st
In the silence that followed her departure from the Creek, Reverie took time to process her feelings about Lestan. She was starting to gain some kind of clarity past the fog of heartbreak. Maybe he was coming back after all. But still she felt it was the end of them, because he had run from her. Because —Love was not always enough.
And to love Reverie was a very difficult job indeed; not for the faint of heart or the weak of will. For all that she loved him, she knew Lestan to be both of those things. At least when it came to her. It was destroying him. He had denied it, dutifully, to the end; right up to the moment it had driven him from the Creek. Rather than speak to her, he had left. And it was not her place to bring it up, not again, not after he'd told her in hoarse tones of red that it had nothing to do with her.
She realized now that it was never going to work. And that was not her fault, but she was nonetheless the cause of it. It was Lestan who was normal, and her who was broken, and if he could not handle it then who could blame him?
If she was honest with herself, she had not been ready. For any of it. Reverie had needed time to heal, space to grow into herself, and instead she had attached herself to Lestan and like some kind of wild-growing weed had formed herself around him. The separation, then, felt as if it took a part of herself with it. She knew she would not recover from this. She knew she would not love again. When the sun has set for the last time, even the wildest of fires cannot light the world in the same way.
Still she held her own reservations, her own resentments for the way he had handled things. Lestan was still, in her eyes, a paragon of all that was good and bright. It did not make him faultless.
All of his promises, after all, were made of his own free will. Made in ignorance, but he was a grown man and had eyes to see just as well as anyone else. If he hadn't known what he was getting into, it was in some ways his own fault. Reverie had never tried to hide it.
And did she really want a husband who could not stand to love her when it was not easy? When it was not all sweet words and warm touches, when the world pressed in and demanded that they suffer; that was when love counted most. More than anything, it hurt to know that she was not worth that to him. She was not worth waiting for. She was not worth trying for. If even the best man she had ever met could not bear to be with her, Reverie knew no one could.
So maybe it was best that she was alone.
Only... she did not want to be. She wanted Lestan, she wanted their children, she wanted —
Something that I can never have; @Crowfeather's words came to her now, and she finally really understood, and burst into sudden hot tears. She knew now. She knew what made a person so deeply desperately sad that it grew into them, became a part of them. And in this way she knew what would fill the space Lestan left behind in her heart. Not a person, no. Not even Moss could fill that space.
She took a breath and felt the cold air bring her lungs to life, felt the grief in her turn just as chilled and clarified. And she realized what she had been missing all these weeks, she realized why the beauty of dance had left her.
It was heartbreak that made the music spin at the core of her.
Her heart was torn in two now, and she felt the song thrumming in her veins. She felt it in the air all around her. Something soft, something mournful and hopeful and full of complaints.
So Reverie danced them all away, danced through the little waterways and across melting banks of snow until her scent trail was muddled and lost. She let herself fall into the wilds and felt the essence of them fill her, like dissolving in so much clear blue water.
He was gone.
And now she was too.