Chimera Fields you're just a line in a song.

Chimera Fields you're just a line in a song. - Printable Version

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you're just a line in a song. - Penn - March 26, 2023

[Image: xVGp3uQ.png]

Penn held himself low to the ground as he swerved back and forth across the fields, his nostrils working furiously. As always, he was hunting, in spite of the fact that he wasn't all that hungry anymore having just had a nice meal the day before. This was actually Penn's favorite state to hunt in, though. He could focus better without the ache of knowing he had to be successful, or else his life might end up on the line. This was more or less for fun, which made it... well... fun.

His prey that day was an especially enjoyable challenge. For once, the day actually looked and felt like Spring with the grass around him green and the sun peeking coyly out at him from behind the clouds. To Penn, there was no better time for hunting rabbits, and he could tell by the scents he was gathering that there were a ton of them to be found somewhere in this field.

Humming merrily to himself, he paused to inspect a particularly pungent patch of brush, his tail wagging eagerly.

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Fennec - March 26, 2023

tag for reference though you are welcome to jump in!

Fennec was relieved to be back on the mainland. If Killer wanted to make another trip back out to visit, he was more than welcome to it, but she doubted she’d be back to visit her brother’s home if she had her own choice in the matter.

The small matter of ‘where next?’ was of course something to be decided, but right now, Fennec was thinking food. She wasn’t under the impression she could catch herself a rabbit (fat chance) but maybe she’d get lucky and find a dead one lying around. Or get even luckier and sniff out a fat one stuck in a burrow somewhere.

Probably she’d leave this particular field empty-handed, but fuck it, it was fun listening to them scatter.

She’d already scared one group underground and was sniffing about a burrow when she heard the telltale signs of a wolf coming into earshot. @Killdeer? No… that wasn’t her son’s gait. She didn’t lift her head but she did listen, waiting until she could parse it before she decided what to do with the information.

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Penn - March 26, 2023

His primary objective seemed to have slipped his mind in the next few minutes as he tucked his shoulder down into the ground and began to roll about in the smelly patch of earth. Like any canine, Penn felt such glee rolling around on the ground, smearing the scent of grass and earth across himself. He wriggled about happily, completely unaware that two things were about to happen quite unexpectedly.

First was the rabbit that decided just then to break cover and go darting past him. Penn rolled instinctively onto all fours and took off after it, even though he knew it was already far too late for him to actually be successful in this. He put his all into racing after it, though, for no other reason than it was fun to do so.

Unsurprisingly, the rabbit left him trailing behind and eventually disappeared into a thicket. Penn galloped to a stop, his tongue hanging from his mouth as he panted hard to catch his breath. He licked his lips and grinned after it. "You win this time, mother fuck--" he called after it as he turned away, stopping short when the second unexpected thing happened.

Fenn was there.

".......er," Penn finished as he stared at her, momentarily stunned.

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Fennec - March 26, 2023

Oh, shit. They were coming fast. Fennec hunched down and prepared herself for the attack that never came as whoever it was came charging in next instead and spoke in a suddenly recognizable, but completely unexpected voice.

Fucking hell. What the actual fuck was he doing here!?

No shit. A rabbit fucked your mom?

That was not what she meant to say, but it came out and she was too floored to say anything else. She wasn’t sure what to feel or think… and so there it sat. A rabbit-fucking joke about his very dead mom.

Nice.

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Penn - March 27, 2023

It was amazing how all of the healing, all of the personal growth and development he'd experienced over the last year and a half was suddenly on the fringe of complete decemation. He was suddenly back there, right where he was all those months ago--standing before her, desperate to hear her ask him to stay, desperate to ask her to stay. It had been terrible to walk away, though he had eventually come to realize it had been the right choice. But now, it felt like he was right there again. Just as broken. Just as desperate.

But... he wasn't.

Penn swallowed the feeling down, rejecting it because it wasn't the reality. That had been a long time ago. Everything had changed since then. He had changed. And he wasn't going to revert back simply because of her face. Her arrogant, intelligent, unimpressed, flawed, perfect face.

Shit shit shit.

Fortunately for him, the moment of weakness passed quickly. Surprisingly so. And it was, of course, thanks in part to his old friend's ever-reliable conversational tact and grace.

Penn huffed a light laugh before steadying himself.

"Wow. That was..." he paused, "...completely inappropriate. And super awkward." He grinned at her, his tail wagging lightly. He felt normal. Perfectly, wonderfully normal.

Maybe this personal growth thing actually was going to stick.

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Fennec - March 27, 2023

It was like nothing had changed, but that wasn’t true. Literally everything had changed. She could have used a friend these past few months when Penn had decided to walk away, and her reaction was stalled out somewhere around deciding if she could really forgive that. She was tired of expecting things she’d never get. But she was also really, really fucking tired of empty words.

It wasn’t like it mattered. He’d be gone soon enough.

You said it, not me. She replied with a slight snort, but she did also straighten and relax some. At least he wasn’t some stranger coming to take her out for hunting here. Well, failing to hunt here.

What are you doing here? Besides revenge on mother-fucking rabbits. That bit’s obvious. The jokes made it easier so she kept them. With those she could pretend that things were actually better now than last time she’d talked to him. It wasn’t rock bottom if she could at least fake her way through it, and he could leave with an image of her that was far less pathetic than last time.

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Penn - March 27, 2023

Penn watched her closely as she responded. The memory of their last encounter was welcomed back into his head, but he didn't examine the same parts of it this time. Her words were full of her usual sharp humor, and her tone delivered them as he would expect. Overall, she seemed like she was doing better than she had been that day. But not exactly. Something was still off, though Penn couldn't exactly say just then what it was.

He would go along with it, in any event. He didn't want every time they ran into each other to be doom and gloom and longing and angst. They had once been great friends--their encounters were full of laughter and light-hearted fun. Penn knew perfectly well he was the one who had fucked it all up, but that didn't mean he wouldn't do his part to try to steer them back to it.

"Aimless gallivanting, of course," Penn replied promptly, since it was the honest truth, "I've been doing it for some time now. I think my skills are really starting to peak." At least, he hoped. But he'd keep that one to himself for now.

"What about you? You look less like shit this time," Penn asked, wondering how she would take the comment. There was no better indicator to him of her mood than what she did when he nonchalantly insulted her.

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Fennec - March 27, 2023

Aimless gallivanting. So it hadn’t even been anything important. He’d just fucked off and left her for literally no reason when she’d been at complete rock bottom. And even worse, obviously he hadn’t cared if they caught up to one another or not. While he’d been off wandering and clearly living it up she’d been trying to pick up the pieces so she could at least give Killer the home she no longer had.

Fuck this, actually. She wasn’t doing this again. It would be nice to, someday, find a friend who gave a damn about her for a change. Until then she’d just do without.

Passing through, she replied, any warmth she might have had in it before flickering out into impassiveness. Killdeer and I are going to find a place to settle. I always figured I didn’t need friends like you, and like you said - shit’s fine. Thanks for asking. The last comment held the sharp bite of sarcasm.

He didn’t have the right to comment on her state right now. He didn’t know shit and he hadn’t bothered trying to know. But it was good to know where she stood in his priorities.

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Penn - March 27, 2023

Just like that, many of his questions were answered.

Penn studied her silently as she replied. Her humor was gone, her demeanor altered, her tone cold. He apparently had pushed a button, though he wasn't entirely certain which one it had been. It was apparently a very big button, whatever it was. One that was evidently super easy to press. Or maybe it was just easy for him. He did so love thinking of himself as special.

"Wow. From zero to fuck off in 17 seconds," Penn replied calmly, "That might be a record for us."

Penn took a moment to sort through what he had said and back it against the response he'd received, looking for explanations between the lines. He had never been particularly good at this sort of thing. Sure, figuring out someone's trigger and how to pull it came naturally to him, and he had quite enjoyed doing it so many times in his life. But he was always a little confounded when he pulled it accidentally, and this was no exception.

"What part made you the angriest?" Penn asked, frowning slightly, "Was it the gallivanting or the reference to your appearance?"

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Fennec - March 27, 2023

She was madder than even she realized, and the fact that he wasn’t made it worse. Normally that wasn’t the case, but that was kind of the point wasn’t it? That he didn’t give a damn. He got to stand there and act like it didn’t matter while she had spent months trying to find something to fill a seemingly endless void. It wasn’t his job to do that, but was it too much to ask that he try something?

It’s so easy for you. It’s always so fucking easy, for all of you. You get to just walk away and forget and move on like nothing means anything. And sure, it’s fucked that it sucks every single time, but you know what I could have used for the past few months? A fucking friend, Penn.

She wasn’t yelling but might as well have been. She was practically spitting the words at him. It’s great that you were off having fun doing fuck-all. Because guess what I was doing? Trying to find someone who gave a damn. Proving to Killer that at least I cared about him enough to stay. All I want is for everyone to stop fucking lying to me and pretending it’s for my own good.

I’m tired of breaking my own damn heart because cowards can’t own up and do it themselves. So yeah, actually Penn. Fuck the entire hell off.

She faced him with a growl threatening, every bit of her posture indicating that this was a challenge. She was done fucking around. If she meant anything to him, anything at all, then he got to decide that. She wasn’t sure she’d believe it, but if he wanted to play like he was okay to meet by chance, then he could leave the way he came. And she’d write him off like all the rest.

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Penn - March 27, 2023

It was too bad Fenn couldn’t see the expression on Penn’s face as the damn broke and the vitriol came spilling out because it was rather comical. His brows lifted so high they might’ve stood taller than the top of his head as he listened to her rant at him. He tried his hardest to listen, but his mind couldn’t help but race along trying to keep up while examining several memories as it went. He had no doubt whatsoever that he likely deserved whatever she threw at him, even if it wasn’t for the reasons she was defining in that moment, so he didn’t try to stop her. He definitely didn’t understand her, though.

”What on earth are you going on about, woman?” Penn asked slowly, shaking his head to settle his thoughts, ”What did I forget? When did I move on? Why are you trying to make friends with killers? I don’t under—ugh you make my head hurt,” Penn ducked his muzzle down and set a paw on his forehead to catch his breath. A thought popped into his mind then that distracted him from the thought that she was apparently suicidal, trying to get murderers to befriend her.

”Is this really about me?” he asked, studying her, ”You sure you’re not just taking something out on me that isn’t on me? It’s me you’re mad at?”

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Fennec - March 27, 2023

He wasn’t responding the way she expected and she didn’t have the patience for it. She didn’t want to explain. Yes she was mad at him. Of course she was mad at more. It didn’t fucking matter.

But then she latched onto a key detail. They’d been disconnected for so long that he didn’t know the biggest part of her life so far. Fennec took it as another indicator that she was an idiot, looking for any kind of validation here.

Killer. Killdeer. He’s my son. She glowered as if daring him to say anything negative. She didn’t know if he’d sort out who the father was and she didn’t much care. It wasn’t as if he’d been there after to pick up the pieces.

Only Fig had. And look where that got him?

You left. You left to do nothing rather than stay. So yeah, Penn, I’m fucking mad at you. Because it means sticking around with me wasn’t more important than nothing. And that was it, right? There was nothing more to say.

He didn’t have to admit it. He’d shown it. Just like Bronco. Just like Germanicus. He didn’t give an actual shit about her; it had been pity all along. And pity only lasted until she became an actual inconvenience.

Whatever. I’m actually done. She turned to go, intending to stalk off in the other direction. She doubted anything he could say would fix this. But she hoped for it anyway.

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Penn - March 27, 2023

Her son.

Penn felt nothing at all for a moment. Perhaps out of self-preservation. Perhaps because he was just slow. Whatever the case, he took his time processing that little nugget of information, and in the end, he was surprised to find it actually didn’t hurt as much as he initially feared it would. After all, he was a father himself, even if he’d never known his kids.

He shook the thought away as she continued. His heart sank some at her words because he saw the dishonesty in them. This wasn’t about him. It was, in a way. But not entirely. Had it been, it might’ve meant… well, it didn’t really matter.

Penn rolled his eyes as she started to walk away. Would any of their encounters ever not go like this? She shit all over him, he argued, she bitched and moaned and played the victim and walked away, leaving him standing there, staring after her? Penn knew he should just let her walk. He’d imagined running into her again more times than he wanted to admit, and it never ended in her just walking away, even though that’s what seemed to happen every time.

This time, he should let her. Just to see.

But then again, that’s what he’d done the most recent time, hadn’t he?

”What do you want from me, Fenn?” Penn called after her, sounding tired, ”Do you want to know where I’ve really been? What I’ve actually been doing? Do you want to know how I actually felt when I left last time? Do you want to know how I actually feel now? Would it make a difference? Or are you so pissed at me or whatever or whoever else it is that’s loaded all this emotional baggage onto you that you’re just going to keep on hauling it around, being pissed off regardless of what anyone says or does?”

“You can have anything you want from me. Just please quit trying to walk away,” Penn said with a sigh, ”It’s been years. Haven’t you noticed yet that it’s just not going to work?”

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Fennec - March 27, 2023

She did stop. Not because what he was saying fixed things, but because she could barely believe he could listen to what she was saying and ask such fucking stupid questions.

It’s worked every goddamn time, Penn. When have you ever followed me? She stood rigid, stiff with tension and continued anger. He’d been the first to leave. And he’d been doing it ever since. The first to give up on her. After that the rest just followed suit.

I already fucking told you that I want to know the truth. And what the fuck was he talking about? He’d said he was doing nothing, so apparently he’d lied. Convenient if that was the case, if his excuse suddenly got better. It probably wouldn’t change things. She was done chasing.

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Penn - March 27, 2023

Penn felt his frustration rising, but he tempered it with a deep breath. He wanted to respond and tell her he followed every single time. Maybe it took him a while, but eventually, he found his way back. Just like she apparently did. For whatever reason, their worlds were always colliding, regardless of what stupid thing took them away from each other. They always ended up back here. Yelling at each other. Neither seeming to be able to understand the other. And yet, they clearly just kept on trying. Neither of them seemed to be able to stop trying to get the other to understand.

It was actually rather toxic. But Penn went with it.

"Fine," Penn breathed, clearly exasperated, "I left last time to go looking for my kids." He didn't really want to revisit the place he'd been in back then, and for a moment, he'd thought he might be able to tell this without going back there. But obviously, that wasn't the case. It was still hard. It still sucked, but he did his best to tell it matter-of-factly, like it didn't suck. He wasn't seeking her pity, or even her forgiveness. She had wanted answers. Well, this was it.

"I've never met them," Penn explained, "Most of them, anyway. I think the popular terminology for what I am is a 'deadbeat dad'--I ran out of them when I found out their mother was pregnant. At least, on the one litter. The other one, I was told flat out by the mom that I would never be part of their lives. But in any event, I was a coward, and a piece of shit, and I decided they'd be better off without me. So, I bailed."

"I don't know that I've ever felt worse about myself in my life. I spent a long time trying to run from it, mostly by making some really bad errors in judgement. But, as luck would have it, one of my kids actually happened to find me while I was recovering from the worst of those bad mistakes," he continued, his thoughts drifting to his daughter and their brief conversation on the beach, "She didn't know who I was. But I knew who she was. And after she left, I got it into my head that I was going to right all of my wrongs. I was going to go find them. Redeem myself. Be a good dad."

"That's when I ran into you," Penn looked at her then, for the first time since he'd started, "And once again, I was a coward. I didn't want to drag you into my shit, but mostly, I didn't want you to know what an awful, good for nothing loser I'd become, though I suspect you've actually always known that. I was in a really bad place, and I had to go and deal with it. So yeah, I left again."

"I never found them, but I did figure out that it actually is best for them that I didn't," Penn said, his gaze drifting out across the field, "They're grown. They have lives. They don't need me interrupting that just so I can try to feel better about myself. My terrible decisions are mine to live with. All of them. That and all the shame and guilt that goes with it. That's all mine too."

Penn glanced back at her again, taking a deep breath as he looked at her, "As for how I felt when I left--it sucked. It felt terrible, just like every time it happens. You don't realize this because you're blind and all, but I sit there and I watch you go every single time, and it tears me apart. Every time." Penn paused for one last second, one last moment of peaceful cowardice before he ripped the band-aide off.

"I have been in love with you since we were kids. And I am perfectly well aware of the fact that I have fucked it up over and over again and I have given you no reason whatsoever to believe me, but if you want the truth that damn badly, there it is. I have never forgotten. I have never moved on. I have made up a lot, and I mean a lot of excuses for why I should never, ever admit it to you. But you're right, I shouldn't decide for you whether or not you ought to know. So now you do."

Penn steeled himself for what came next. He assumed violence. Probably more shouting. Insults. Maybe all three.

Or worse.

She'd just leave.

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Fennec - March 27, 2023

It was a lot, but she listened to all of it. There were times when she wanted to interrupt but she didn’t, mainly because despite feeling the urge she didn’t have the words. He was a father twice over and he’d bailed both times. It hurt to hear it. Not because she expected anything different… but because she knew what that was like. She’d bailed on a lot of things but Killdeer had never been one of them. And she hadn’t even wanted him.

It made the last bit harder to hear and even harder to believe. What did love even mean to him, if he treated it like it was expendable? Two sets of kids. Fuck.

He bailed on me, when I had Killdeer. I raised him alone. She didn’t know why that was the first thing she felt she had to say. Maybe so that he would know why this was hard. Why she wasn’t sure she could trust him, even if he was being honest. And definitely because she wasn’t sure how to respond to a confession of love.

A month ago she’d been married. She wasn’t ready yet.

I didn’t even want him. It was a mistake, and I hated it, but now I wouldn’t take it back for anything. Because being his mom is the one thing I did right. And it was worth it.

You aren’t a piece of shit for leaving, even if it was a shit thing to do. But I’m sick of everyone assuming I can’t handle the truth. The lies end up hurting worse every fucking time. You should’ve told me. I told you everything. Everything but Killdeer. She’d spilled her entire soul about Bronco and he’d been itching to leave the entire time.

He said he loved her, but she didn’t remember him ever fighting to keep her. Ever even trying to show it. Maybe, that first trip… the last time she’d ever caught a glimpse of that hope. But then everything had gone to shit and ever since, there’d been only passing meetings and vague jokes.

She didn’t know what she wanted to hear, or how he could even respond to something that hadn’t been a question. She just didn’t know what else to say.

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Penn - March 27, 2023

Penn had emptied himself of any expectations for that moment. He'd fantasized about it plenty of times in his life, and the reactions he'd visualized had ranged from her falling into his arms with joy to her drowning him in a puddle. But he had long ago determined that he was very unlikely to foretell what she actually would do. And in any event, it didn't exactly matter. She didn't owe him anything. He was the one who owed her, and she could do what she wanted with it.

He was surprised when he heard her voice again. There was emotion in it that he couldn't quite place, but he decided not to try so hard to figure it out. He just listened to her instead as she spoke. It didn't take him more than an instant to figure out who she was referring to when she said he bailed on him. He felt sick to his stomach instantly. He'd known Bronco was the cause of her despair back then. He hadn't known there was a kid involved, though.

Penn didn't say anything, though. He just let her talk since that's what she'd done for him. "You're right. I know I should have," he said quietly, "I can't speak for everyone--I don't know who all that even entails--But you should know though that it wasn't me assuming you couldn't handle the truth. It was me not thinking I could handle you knowing the truth."

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Fennec - March 27, 2023

I don’t think there’s a difference.

What now?

Fennec felt tired, and empty in a way that she neither liked nor was a stranger to. She could tell him to fuck off and save them both the trouble. Give into the idea that he wasn’t any better, all of it was a lie he was telling himself, and leave. Road a was easy.

She could lie and say she loved him. See what happened and if he actually meant to stay. It might not have even been a lie, back then, but now… now she wasn’t sure she even could love the way he claimed to. She loved Killer, but when she thought of returning Penn’s confession, all she felt was numb. All she got with road b was the chance at his company a little longer. Besides - lying wasn’t an option.

She never lied about anything important.

I don’t know, Penn. I guess I should be honest back, not that I’m ever not. I’ve been fucked over a lot, some of it pretty recent, and I’m not sure I can give you anything right now. If ever. She let out a small, jaded huff of laughter. I’m tired of all of it. Maybe you actually mean it. Maybe you just think you do. Either way, I can’t say it back.

So I guess it’s up to you. I told you what I’m doing. You can come if you want. I don’t blame you if you don’t.

She wouldn’t get her hopes up. And she wouldn’t get his either. She wouldn’t string him along just for his company, even with how desperate she was for a friend. It wouldn’t be worth it. He had to choose, knowing what may or may not come of it. Otherwise it didn’t mean anything real from the start.

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Penn - March 28, 2023

Penn rolled his eyes when she argued his point. It took some willpower not to inform her she was, of course, wrong. There was a difference. A very obvious difference. And she'd would see if it she weren't so god damn self-centered. But, he was being humble, and vulnerable. Now was not the time to push her by pointing out her flaws, of which there were many.

She grew quiet then. Penn found it to be rather alarming. He frowned as he studied her face, trying to figure out what she was thinking. What came out of her mouth made him stifle a laugh. Not at first--at first, his heart ached for her and whatever trauma she'd suffered that had turned into this dark cloud of misery. He wondered where they would be now if he hadn't acted like such a cowardly little prick back then. If he'd asked her to come with him instead of panicking that he was about to be the one abandoned when they'd visited her family. Would she have suffered like she had? Would it be their son instead of hers?

All useless thoughts. But I digress. The part that made him laugh was when she informed him she couldn't say it back. He had never expected her to, and the explanation she gave to him now was as though she thought he did. He considered correcting her, but he hesitated, struck by the last words from her mouth.

I don't blame you if you don't.

That was when Penn knew for sure he was still at least somewhat susceptible to delusion. There was something in that statement that said something to him, though he was positive he was misreading the situation--There was a real chance she'd be disappointed if he didn't. After everything he'd said, all he'd revealed himself to be. She still wanted him to follow.

Penn hesitated for only a moment.

"Which direction we headed?"

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Fennec - March 28, 2023

Even with the reveal of his feelings, she expected a no. Penn had never seemed the type to do things when there wasn’t something in it for him. It was one of the things that made them similar.

But he said yes. Her lips twitched to a halfhearted smile, but she felt a touch of relief. She wanted this chance to rebuild something that was hers. Even if it never went anywhere.

Now you meet @Killdeer. she said, turning in the direction her son was going to meet her and expecting him to follow.

we can have that in this thread or we can assume/have another!

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Penn - March 28, 2023

Penn was shocked when she responded to his acceptance of her invitation with something that looked suspiciously like a smile. He had honestly expected her to change her mind and reject him, or to challenge him on his consent in some way. But, she didn't. She gave him a glimpse of a smile and began to lead him to her son. Almost as though there actually was hope that they might be able to reclaim the friendship they'd once had.

Penn took a moment to watch her walk away, only to give himself the chance to truly relish the feeling of trotting after her, stepping up to her side and going too. She would never believe him, he knew. She was never going to love him either. She hadn't then, she wouldn't now. He had accepted that fact a while ago. But he'd also come to accept that he didn't actually need her to love him. He was perfectly content with what he had.

"I'm never going to get over the fact that you actually named your son Killer. Though I suppose it has a nicer ring to it than Homicidey," he said as he followed, allowing himself a small grin.

RE: you're just a line in a song. - Fennec - March 28, 2023

Clearly I had big plans for him. She retorted, stating it as a flat fact rather than the joke it actually was. Mostly, at least. She didn’t really remember where the name had come from, but the shortening had been one hundred percent her doing.

They’d look for Killdeer, but it would likely be a while before he showed up in the place they were to meet. Enough time for Fennec to send Penn off to finish his hunt with a promise to summon him once she knew what was coming next.

wrapping this here if that’s alright!