Esma had not agreed to John's offer to join him right away, but the thought had stayed with her for the next days, while she figured out, what she wanted to do. Riverclan was her home after all, even if she had not connected particularly well with any of the people here. Besides Ash Star could still teach her so much about the ways of gods, but Esma's perspective had changed. She no longer saw her mom's rituals and actions as something of value and meaning. More often it felt to her as if it was just another game that her mother had kept on playing way into the adulthood. She sincerely wanted to believe in the existance of Atka and Sos, truly feel connected to them, but she could not. In the end... they were not her gods. 

For Esma, who would always have millions of questions in order to understand the order of the world and the realms of the living and the divine, having something to anchor her being to was important. Over time its significance grew and overshadowed everything else. Even loyalty to her mother. Therefore on the day she had finally made her decision to set on her own pilgrimage, she sought out her mother to say her goodbyes.

Odd thing, how sometimes parents think that they are to blame for their children's decisions in life, when in reality it has nothing to do with them. In regards of Ash Star Esma had never thought of her being good or bad mother. She was just mother, the only one she had ever known and had no other references to compare her to. Objectively, her mom had completed her job, which first had meant ensuring that her young survives and then guide her through youth towards independence. That's it. 

"Hello, mother," she replied and went to give her a brief, polite greeting, before taking a step back. "I wanted to let you know that I am leaving Riverclan to find god," she went straight to the business. "Atka and Sos are not mine, but there are others. And I want to learn about them," she said. 

Esma's narrator thinks that the way Ash star responded to her daughter's reasons for leaving spoke volumes on, how much they truly understood each other. For most parents hearing that their child is about to embark on a spiritual journey and plans to do it in all earnesty, that would be a frown-worthy moment. A heated argument would follow that would end in hurt feelings on both sides and some distancing from each other as well. 

The exchange between Esma and her mother was different, because for each the spiritual plane was very important. Therefore going out in the world to seek fulfillment in this particular area of life did not raise any questions. It was very logical. 

"I will. I have my whole life for it," Esma replied and smiled. "I promise. I will," she said.

"I will remember that," Esma promised, dipping her muzzle respectfully. Ash Star's promise to be there for her, even from far away, made her heart swell with emotion. It was a mix of love and sadness, anticipation and cautiousness. This was truly it. The next chapter of her life was about to begin. She just needed to make that one final step. 

But right before that, she neared her mom, to press her cheek against hers in a rare moment of sincerity. Usually she was not the one to crave touch or snuggles. Her whole co-existence with Ash Star may have seemed as solely pragmatic one based on her need to be fed and protected and prepared for the life. However, now and then on very special occasions she let her guard down and showed affection. However brief it may have been, it was true through and through.