we need to go, @Judah.
the island had become — suffocating. it was like dinah had set off a domino effect of madness, of ghosts she hadn't seen in what felt like years, pushing and pulling she and he. bitterness seeped back into her heart. the audacity of malakai to show his face to her again, of john, even of gramma towhee; it was
too much.
dinah wanted to take her brother and sweep him off to the rise, to show him the snowmelt and the streams which broke the land. she wanted to be alone with him. she wanted to feel the warmth of mulherin again. she wanted — her mom. she wanted her mom.
she did not come to him with demands, only a panicked, antsy plead. her eyes spoke of her desperation as she paced the greenhills just outside of the once-abandoned den. i can't-- i can't take this anymore. this is all too much, it's-- i can't believe everyone thinks they can just, just, come back, as if everything is fine. as if-- ugh.
please, she settles down for a moment, head between her elbows; her voice shakes. please, juju.
don't make me stay here.

dinah didn't even realize it, but she devolved into a bundle of exposed nerve endings, collapsing at judah's heels in a bough of tears which she had not allowed to fall in many weeks.
the island was not home anymore.
when she had returned, some small part of her had expected to find it exactly as she had left it. the dove white clouds against the backdrop of deep cerulean, the seafoam snarling against the endless beach and the waft of lavender on the breeze; all of it was still here, right in front of her, so close she can reach out for it, and yet — all she sees is a muted sky. all she smells is blood. the death rattle churns beneath her skin, the milky haze which settled over hazel eyes.
this was not home.
this was not sweetharbor.
daddy was not here, only the rotten remains which were sown into soil. and they would never find him again no matter how hard they searched.
she leans into the touch as another wave of agony crashes against her; silent tears trace her cheeks, forming dark rivulets against her pelt.
we'll l-leave in a few days, she whispers. say our goodbyes. and then we'll go-- we'll go somewhere, we'll find ava. find ourselves.
it's just-- i just feel so suffocated here, she warbles, steadying her voice with a pitiful sniffle. it's like i look around me and all i see is him. sometimes i th-think i see him. i feel like i'm losing it, like we're both going to just-- go fucking insane out here. i-i-i don't even want to see them. they left me to take care of mom. they left me, judah, they;
she was crumbling, her face burning and her extremities beginning to quake; delusional, delusional, delusional; i w-want to see mulherin.

i can't stand it. i n-need to be away from-- from it, from all of it. all it does is make me remember. because her memory was like poison, slowly killing her from the inside out.
dinah shifts slightly away, gathering herself with sniffles and coughs so that she may look her brother in the eyes. he, too, was sad, at least to her — he had aged, yes, and his face was now cloaked in a dark silt which had not been there when she last remembered seeing him. he looked so much like mama with his thin jaw and deep eyes; he did not look like daddy the way she did, and yet she still saw it in him, heard the same intonation in his voice.
he said mulherin's name the same way she'd imagine daddy would.
oh, dinah straightens herself up, eyes widening and ears pulling back. h-he's, um, he's a-- what was he? her boyfriend? her casual-make-out-buddy? some guy she'd met on a beach far away from here? were they even anything yet? would they ever be? a-a guy i like. wait, oh my gosh, not in that way, no, not-- um-- you'd like him too, i think, her lip curves into something that almost resembles a smile. he's from a place called redtail rise. w-we could... go visit him? maybe? once we get out of here? i don't think it's that far.
holy hell, she was talking way too much.
he was not going to buy this at all.

the mood between them shifts so quickly. it takes dinah a moment to register that judah is being completely serious; she doesn't think she's ever seen this side of him, at least not in such a brusque and abrasive manner.
this wasn't right. why was he looking at her like this? some ancient, primal instinct turns her stomach into knots. she recoils, the nape of her neck bristling as reactionary anger spills from her; her voice is suddenly frigid and oozing with resentment.
mom and ava don't want us anymore, judah.
mulherin is a good guy, she all but scoffs. he's-- he's good to me. he's sweet, and he's fun to be around, and he understands me. us. he knows what it's like! our mother is a fucking whore who replaced her d-dead husband's kids with the spawn of some-- some guy who's almost our age! and she had the fucking gall to try and get me to accept them as my brothers.
her breathing grows shallow in her chest, a painful lump forming in her throat. regret for raising her voice singes her tired features. i'm-- i'm going to go see him. you can either come with me, or i'll, i'll come back here to get you afterward, if you don't want to meet him. and if you still want to see mom, then we'll go to-- to rivenwood. after. but i want to see him, judah.

you left me!
the tears that prickle in her eyes burn like hot magma, her lips curling into an agonized grimace. you left me. simeon left me, fucking malakai left me, everyone abandoned me to take care of mama. only for her to replace me right in front of my eyes! replace-- replace daddy! you don't know what it was like, ju. you don't.
why was he being like this? like a newborn fawn she feels the inescapable urge to flee deep in her gut, and yet she stays put; an icy, immovable force. the way he says mulherin's name makes her want to vomit.
why are you making me choose between the two of you? her eyes narrow into slits, cheeks darkened yet again by tearfall. i love you! you're my brother. but it's-- it's different with him. y-you can't do what he does for me. but that doesn't mean that it's not still me and you, judah. don't you fucking dare put words in my mouth like that.