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+--- Thread: Blacktail Deer Plateau with heavy heart (/showthread.php?tid=6207)
with heavy heart - Blue Willow - December 09, 2014
It was with a heavy heart that Blue lay in a patch of sunlight against the cold day. She tilted her head, her ears splayed wide as she listened to the sounds around her. Junior was gone, running off in the middle of the night, like the child she was. And though it hurt, the one that hurt the most was Osprey was gone too. Blue's one female friend, the one she had hoped to be there for the birth and to dote on her children was gone. She had no idea where she was and she couldn't go look for her, her pregnancy far to progressed at this point.
She looked down pointedly, her stomach swollen and her teats swollen too as they began to swell and enlarge with mothers milk. It was a strange thing and she had no females to share it with that she was close too. Certainly Lasher and Dante tried and they did very well, but there was just a difference between females nad males and babies and she wished with all her heart that Osprey was safe and she had just went to the caldera or in search of Junior. However, blue felt in her heart thta it just wasn't that way. Osprey and she had promised to always tell each other the truth even if it hurt and Osprey would have told her if she had gone on one of the above things, so she must be hurt somewhere nad Blue bowed her head. She was at a loss wishing so bad that she could do something.
RE: with heavy heart - Saēna - December 09, 2014
After her outburst at Dante, Saena had done the (somewhat) mature thing and reined in some of her anger. She was certainly still upset with the pack leaders for their indirect involvement in Junior's disappearance, but when she spotted Blue Willow lying in the snow on one of her frequent walks, she didn't feel anything resembling vengeance. She hesitated for a moment, sure that Blue Willow would be informed of her behaviour toward the Alpha, but then made her way to the Beta's side. Whether or not her aunt knew what she'd done, Saena couldn't avoid her forever and, in trying to turn over a new leaf, didn't want to.
She flopped down in the snow herself, tilted slightly off-centre so her back legs splayed out to the side. She glanced at Blue Willow momentarily, then looked away, though an ear remained attentively trained on the dark-haired female. She didn't have anything she really wanted to say, and even if she did, Saena was trying a new method of keeping her mouth shut and seeing what happened rather than spouting off assumptions. On top of that, she was oblivious to Blue Willow's thoughts and recent sadness, so bringing it up never occurred to her. Her reason for lying alongside the pack's healer was simply a whim. Unlike with Dante, Saena wasn't searching for some conflict nor somewhere to place the blame, for once.
RE: with heavy heart - Blue Willow - December 14, 2014
Blue looked up and watched with soulful eyes as Saena settled herself, well more or less hit the ground near her. If she reached out she could touch her, but she wasn't sure if the girl would appreciate that. Blue had heard of her outburst, but couldn't find it in her heart to be upset with her. Sure the girl had acted badly, but she had lost her father, her mother and both her sisters. She had every right to be angry at the world even if it wasn't very nice.
Blue smiled as she turned her head towards her. Blue settled her head to her paws, but continued to look at Saena. It was a funny look, almost playful, but mostly just attentive. Blue didn't think she had the energy to be playful right now, besides the fact that everyone would beat her at play as fat and off center as she was. She snorted softly to herself covering her laughter at the thought. She didn't wish for Saena to think she was laughing at her for some reason or another.
How are you today Saena?
RE: with heavy heart - Saēna - December 15, 2014
Both ears and eyes swiveled to the Beta as she snorted. Saena's mouth parted questioningly, but before she could ask what was so funny, her aunt asked how she was. "Good," she said. It was true enough. Though things certainly hadn't been going her way lately, but she was making an active effort to look forward from now on rather than dwelling much on what was already past.
"I've decided," she began, "that because my family is full of terrible wolves who can't commit and don't care about anyone but themselves, that I'm going to try to be un-terrible." Saena knew the words she chose to describe her relatives were harsh, but they were true, and they were strong for a reason. Perhaps if it had only been one or two of them that had abandoned their fellows, then it would be inappropriate... but it was all of them, truly. Every one, except for Pura.
"I wanted to be a Counselor, but I think I'm going to try to be a Gamekeeper instead. Ty was training to be one, but... well, she's probably never coming back, and we need one." She glanced at her aunt, trying to see whether or not the woman agreed with her newest aspirations. Though she was often dismissive of authority, Saena wanted nothing more than for the leaders to approve of her choices. After all, she was trying to be less selfish herself, and wanted to do what was best for her pack.
RE: with heavy heart - Blue Willow - December 16, 2014
[size=x-small]I'm not sure if you want her to question the puppies. But I imagine that Blue would seek out all of those who were important to her to tell and Saena would be one, but it is up to you. I'm sure she knows anyway, but yea[/size]
Blue studied Saena in front of her. She wondered if she really was good or if she was merely saying that. She was curious, but she didn't ask. She did not wish to incur the youth's wrath, her temper that seemed to be so near the surface.
Blue Willow listened quietly and calmly as Saena spoke. Though she did not agree that Saena's family was terrible, she also did not argue with her. To Saena they probably were very terrible. And some of their decisions were extremely questionable. And they all had hurt many others.
Blue began to speak. That is an honorable trade. And you can always go for Counselor too in time. I am glad we are going to have more gamekeepers we need them. Especially with little ones coming along.
RE: with heavy heart - Saēna - December 17, 2014
Saena beamed when Blue Willow praised her decision. She had wanted to be a Counselor, but a new mature streak informed her that she wasn't meant for that job. She was still keen on being a Naturalist, since that was what her dreams—infrequent, now—had directed her to do.
"Nah, I don't think I'd be a good Counselor," she said with a rueful shake of her head. "I've been rotten the last little while. I hope you all can forgive me, but I know now I just... don't have the patience to listen and not act or pick sides." She had sided in every conflict thus far, rather than being a neutral voice of reason. This was not the quality of a counselor, but of a judge and pursuer of what she thought was right, for which there was no trade.
She turned her eyes on Blue Willow's stomach and smiled. When Junior had mentioned Peregrine and Fox having children, she had been distraught, but these cubs would get nothing but love from Saena... unless, of course, they replaced her and Pura as heirs, but she hadn't even thought of that possibility. "Will they be here soon?" she asked eagerly, flicking her bright eyes back to her radiant aunt's face.
RE: with heavy heart - Blue Willow - December 17, 2014
Blue smiled again. She didn't make it a habit to disregard those around her and their trades. Everyone had their own ideas and thoughts and they were to figure out what worked best for them.
You are already forgiven Saena on my end. She curled her tail around her side and shifted her weight lifting her head a little higher. it's hard sometimes to be a neutral party believe me. You have to have quite some discipline to do that. It has taken me awhile to see both sides even.
Blue did not plan for her children to be anything but loved. She did not have ambitious plans for them. She merely wanted them to be happy. They would make their own ambitions and have their own plans, and she would merely support them as long as it was not incredibly morally wrong. I have quite a while yet.
RE: with heavy heart - Saēna - December 18, 2014
Saena didn't say anything in response to Blue Willow's forgiveness, but only because she didn't know the words to express her gratitude. Even if her feelings toward her father, his mate and the others who had left with them would never change, she could work to be better and more patient with those who lived at the Plateau. It was her home and theirs too, and there was really no point in burning bridges with those who remained. They were more of a family to her than her real family, and she was not her father's daughter. She would not take the torch to those who cared for her over one wolf... not even Junior.
"Really?" she asked, looking skeptically back at Blue Willow's swollen belly. "But you look like you're gonna just... blow up. Does it feel weird?" The thought of being that fat someday with someone's pups made Saena's skin crawl. She couldn't imagine being pregnant or ever wanting to be pregnant, not if it meant swelling like that. "Does it hurt?" she wondered next, ready to pin back her ears in horror if it did hurt to be pregnant.
RE: with heavy heart - Blue Willow - December 18, 2014
Blue didn't expect Saena to give her any words. Blue was imensely happy and proud that the girl was gaining maturity behind her age. It was a good thing, and she was slowly getting glimpses of the she wolf, that the youthful wolfess in front of her would become. And she could not be more proud of her at the moment.
Blue chuckled it does feel weird. I feel off center, like I can't walk straight. She chuckled as she looked at her ballooning sides. She snorted gently wondering if she should tell Saena that she still had some weight to gain that she may get even bigger. Blue lifted her ears at the next question, Sometimes I get cramps, and I was very sick the first couple weeks, but I am okay now. Though when the time comes to have them I believe it will hurt as well. There was no use in lying to the girl about it. Blue was a straightforward individual most of the time.
RE: with heavy heart - Saēna - December 18, 2014
As predicted, Saena's ears tilted back toward her scalp and she winced. "You chose being sick and being off-balance just to have pups? That sounds... awful," she said, feeling her insides squirm a little at the idea. She was still too self-centered and young to even tolerate the idea of being forcibly ill and uncomfortable just to have kids, a thought that would likely change in time. "Why would it hurt? Don't they just... Pop out?"
The birds and the bees wasn't a discussion Saena had ever really had with anyone. She instinctively knew how babies were made and where they came from, but always imagined they would pop out painlessly in the middle of the night. She disliked the thought of pain even more, and was now finding it hard to believe that any female would willingly have children. She was even going so far as to wonder why a male would put his mate through such a thing, but stopped her train of thought before it got too radical.
There had to be a good reason to suffer, she thought, and that prompted Saena's next question: "Is it really worth all that?" She didn't think it was, but only because her parents barring Peregrine hadn't seemed very thrilled with their existence. Her true mother had even died... and with this thought, a fresh wave of horror and concern swept over Saena. "You won't be hurt like my mom was, will you?"
RE: with heavy heart - Blue Willow - December 18, 2014
Blue Willow chuckled gently at the clear horror in her niece's gaze. I did. Blue wondered how or what she could say. How could she voice that she missed Atticus so much and knew she would never love like that again, but she had to give all her love somewhere. I don't really know how to explain Saena. I love Atticus so very much. The thought of taking another mate upsets me, but I have all this love to give away. I can give it to you and Pura and Junior, but before now no one seemed to want it. So I thought if I could have my own children I could give all that extra love that you guys don't have to them. Blue smiled again, this was a much more comfortable conversation than she had, had with Pura all those months ago about his male anatomy. No they don't, your body has to push them out so your insides, your womb constricts and pushes them out and you have to realize Puppies are much bigger than the area they are coming out of, though it stretches of course.
Blue supposed for a youth it would be hard to imagine to willingly go through that pain. However, she also knew that it was worth it, for then you had your own little bundle of joys to shower with love and dote upon. It was more painful for some than others of course as well.
Blue nodded I believe it is. There will be little bundles of joy to dote upon. She shifted and shook her head vehemently at Saena's next question. Things could go wrong of course I won't lie to you, but I am healthy and your mother wasn't. Pied was wounded a few months prior to getting pregnant on the inside and something didn't work, not to mention that Kisu was much larger than she and I believe some of the pups were too large, there were others I strongly suspect. And I am not petite like you or your mother. I should have stayed with your mom, I should have stayed. We are lucky to have you and Pura. Blue grew quiet as the crushing guilt hit her again. She should have been near Pied should have saved her should have helped.
RE: with heavy heart - Saēna - December 18, 2014
She hadn't expected or wanted an explanation for Blue Willow's choices, but it came anyway, and Saena stiffened just slightly. She wanted to point out that Atticus hadn't cared enough about her to stay, but caught herself before voicing it. If she was trying to be more mature, then Saena had to be willing to put these opinions of hers to the side and contemplate them before blurting them out, and she was impressed with herself that she managed to do it this time. When Blue Willow finished, she said, "I wanted it, but... well, I wanted my parents to care more. I didn't notice you were hurting. I'm... really sorry, Aunt Willow."
Biting her lip, the mottled youth eagerly listened to Blue Willow talk about the pups. Her insides squirmed even more when the Healer admitted you had to push them out. Push them? she wondered, screwing up her face into one of disgust. "It's like taking a shit?" she asked, but decided not to pursue that thought any further, for the very idea of little shit puppies falling out of her aunt was enough to make her want to retch. Thankfully, Blue Willow had presented another topic and, although sad, it was something less disgusting to Saena.
"It wasn't your fault she died," Saena said quickly, shaking her head. "I didn't know she was hurt, but that makes it her fault. She should've been more careful." It was so easy to talk about her dead mother, but of course, that was only because she'd never met her. If Pied had been part of her life, then it would've been much harder, of that Saena had no doubt. "I'm sure you did what you could. Just... don't get hurt yourself, okay?"
RE: with heavy heart - Blue Willow - December 18, 2014
Blue was a long winded individual and she told herself she would work on it, but she hadn't yet. It was just so hard for her to cut her words short, she had to explain things, she found when things were explained there were less mistakes made and less hurt feelings everywhere. Blue Willow shook her head with a smile No need to apologize Saena. I did not expect you to notice, after all you were only a little girl, with your own set of problems and unfairness. It was true Saena and Pura and even Junior and Ty they had been given some rather short straws in this world.
Blue laughed outloud, her voice ringing out over the trees. yes I guess that is exactly what it is like. Mind you I am only going on what i've been told I've never had any either this is my first time.
Blue's eyes softened Perhaps she could have thought it through Saena, but she wanted you and your brother so badly she didn't care about her own safety. Blue shifted again turning so that one side was a little more up than the other. The tiny paws were pushing against her side and she found herself a little short of breath laying that way. I did my best i believe and I will do my best to not get hurt. You'll just have to take care of me. the last part was in jest, and she smiled.
RE: with heavy heart - Saēna - December 18, 2014
Saena managed a tight-lipped smile. If she could've met her mother, she would have urged her to wait. Saena and Pura were nothing very special to waste a life on, and Pied's presence in their lives might have done wonders for their psyches, but it was simply impossible to understand her mother's reasons for going ahead anyway. Saena was only a teenager whose primary concerns were herself and those who were presently living; nothing, not even the desire for children, would have made her go hastily into a decision that could cost her her life, or so she believed.
"I can do that," Saena assured Blue Willow. She wasn't much of a Caretaker, and didn't have great bedside manner, but she would do anything required of her by the pack's Beta female. Not only was it her hierarchical duty, but this was the one wolf who had remained constant in Saena's life. The girl shifted in the snow, her eyes snagging once more on her aunt's distended tummy, before tucking her snout into the crook of one of her own elbows.
"Do you think I can come see them... y'know, when they're born?" Her voice faltered at the end, for she knew as well as any wolf that a whelping mother was far more aggressive than was ordinary, but she just had to ask. It was a momentous occasion that Saena wanted to be a part of, even if it was only a teensy, eensy little part.
RE: with heavy heart - Blue Willow - December 19, 2014
If Blue had known of what Saena was thinking she would have told her she was wrong. They had their issues of course, but both Pura and Saena were turning into very good wolves. They were something to be proud of and frankly she was certain had Pied lived, they would be a little bit different.
Blue smiled Thank you Saena. She didn't expect the girl to be there every waking moment. But it was nice to have another in her corner. It was even better it was someone who did not judge her for her choices.
Blue nodded her head yes of course you can. You will have to be careful and let me know you're there when you do come. But yes you can come see them. Blue was not about to keep her babies from anyone who wanted to see them. yes she would be more protective than many and yes she would have moments when she wanted no one around. But she didn't imagine it would be too often.
RE: with heavy heart - Saēna - December 19, 2014
"Thanks, Aunt Willow! I'll do my best to make sure you know it's me." Saena slowly clambered to her feet, then threw her forelegs out in front of her and stretched deeply. Grunting contentedly, the petite female straightened, waved her tail, and reached out to plant a grateful lick or three against the side of the Beta's snout.
"I'm gonna go try to catch something, but I promise I'll visit soon," said Saena. As she turned and padded away, she couldn't stop herself from beaming and feeling elated that she would have some role to play in her young cousins' lives, and that they would soon arrive. In fact, she practically skipped away. Nothing could puncture her happy bubble at that moment.
RE: with heavy heart - Blue Willow - December 20, 2014
Blue nodded You're welcome. She returned the licks in kind. Happy to have mended the bridges with the young Saena. She was an asset to their pack and to Blue's life. And Blue was glad to have her in her family, even if they weren't blood. It didn't matter to her.
Blue watched her go and sighing gently laid her head down to her paws and took a much needed nap.