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+--- Thread: Great Bear Wilderness i believe in the things that i am afraid to say. (/showthread.php?tid=7533)
i believe in the things that i am afraid to say. - Finley - February 10, 2015
@Peregrine :3
It was amazing just how different things could look the morning after. Not even 24 hours previous, Finley had been so full of hurt and anger that she couldn't hold it in. She'd unloaded all of it on the object of her frustration, recklessly spitting venom into wounds she'd torn open wider and wider and wider with her words. In the heat of the moment, she'd felt perfectly justified. Even gratified by the cornered and pained look on his face as she'd shouted at him.
But then she'd gone too far, and suddenly all she could see was how terribly wrong she'd been to go after him like she had. Elwood had done nothing wrong. Nothing but what she'd told him to do. She'd told him not to fall in love with her, and... Well, maybe not falling in love with Fin meant seeking comfort with someone else. It was what she'd wanted, but in her jealousy and anger, she'd forgotten that part of the equation. Consumed by self-loathing, she'd turned tail and done exactly what Elwood so accurately accused her of always doing - she'd run away. Resolved to leave everything behind and disappear into the night. They would be better off without her, all of them - Elwood, Peregrine, Fox, the Firebirds. They would all be better off without stupid, reckless, thoughtless Fin.
Finley awoke hours later on the shores of Lake Rodney, staring out across the vast blue with a hollow look in her eyes. She wasn't running anymore, but she wasn't yet going back either. Fin was stuck at a crossroads without a clue as to what to do next. There was at least one thing she was finally, absolutely and irrevocably certain of, and that was what her heart wanted her to do. But there was always that looming cloud of darkness that held her back, that try as she might, she just couldn't see through. So, she sat and she stared.
RE: i believe in the things that i am afraid to say. - Peregrine Redhawk - February 10, 2015
Aside from the healing gashes on his shoulders, everything was pretty much perfect in Peregrine's world. He rarely strayed far from Fox these days, in part because of his injuries but mostly because she was getting close to giving birth. He liked lying with her, feeling their puppies move and helping her with whatever she needed (read: lickin' her nips). The pack could wait and take care of itself for now.
Or, you know, not. Little did he know that everything was actually falling apart when he wasn't looking. Between Finley, Elwood, Somnia and Grimm, the caldera was like a scene right out of Days of Our Lives. His little tiff with Fox paled in comparison (although thank goodness that had blown over completely) to the drama drumming up in Peregrine's home, just in time for the birth of his children.
Unaware that he was about to walk into a tornado of melodrama, Peregrine padded slowly toward the familiar silver figure lying on the lake shore just beyond the caldera's realm. His shoulders were bothering him a bit, so he considered the idea of wading into the chilly waters to help soothe them. But as he sidled up beside Finley and stood over her, he sensed something more pressing than the twinges in his torn flesh.
He knew Finley wasn't one for heavy emotions, so asking her directly would probably not get him anywhere. Instead, Peregrine took a lighter approach. "Oh my god," he drawled, noting her long face, "if I squint, you look just like Eeyore."
RE: i believe in the things that i am afraid to say. - Finley - February 10, 2015
Fin glanced over as she heard Peregrine padding steadily up to her, immediately resigning herself to the conversation that was about to follow. She had no idea how stupid and foolish this entire mess would look to an outsider's perspective. If she did, she might not have needed the kick in the tush her alpha was likely to give her once she spilled the beans.
She responded to his comment with a half-hearted chuckle, but otherwise couldn't bring herself to say anything in response. She remained silent instead and looked down at her paws thoughtfully. What was she even supposed to say? How could she even admit what she'd done? On one hand, Peregrine was like a brother to her. She trusted him, could tell him anything. But on the other.. He was her alpha. How was she supposed to tell her alpha that she'd flaunted his authority by exiling his other beta? Oh shit! How was she supposed to tell her friend that she'd been a total bitch to his other friend?? GOD WHAT A MESS.
Fin's mind was reeling and suddenly a piercing pain began to needle into her temple. With a moan, she unceremoniously smashed her face straight down into the snow like an ostrich. Through the cold came her voice, muffled but still clear as she summed up every overwhelming feeling she had with a simple declaration of: "I fuckin' suck."
RE: i believe in the things that i am afraid to say. - Peregrine Redhawk - February 10, 2015
He quirked a brow when Finley responded by mashing her face into the snow and telling him, "I fuckin' suck." All humor vanished from his eyes and face. If his Beta female was behaving this way, something had gone seriously wrong. His mind flew to the dozens of possibilities, though he tried to quash his speculations as he gently folded himself into a seated position at her shoulder.
"I mean, first of all... have your obligatory, 'naaah, you don't suck.' Now, what's going on, Fin?" he queried softly, bypassing the opportunity to make a joke.
RE: i believe in the things that i am afraid to say. - Finley - February 10, 2015
Finley picked her head up slowly from the snow and gave her pelt a good shake to free it from the icey crystals that had attempted to cling to her still. When she settled her head down onto her paws and set her gaze again on the lake, it was with glassy eyes and that annoying-as-crap lump again forming in her throat. Oddly enough, the thing that came to her mind was actually little Charon from the Bay - or Small Pox as she'd dubbed him. Him and the simple question he'd asked her in the middle of the adventure they'd shared together - Why do you like fighting bears?
"Wanna know why I like fighting bears so much?" Fin said softly, "It's because I'm actually a complete coward. Taking on bears and other dangerous creatures makes me feel like I'm brave when really, I'm just pathetic." There was bitterness and anger flavoring her tone, but overall as she spoke, she just felt defeated and tired. And ashamed. So ashamed of herself, who she was, what she'd done. All of it.
"I said horrible, horrible things to Elwood," Fin admitted, her voice trembling, "Things he didn't deserve, all because I was an idiot and I ended up screwing myself over and getting hurt because of it and.. I took it out on him. I screwed up so badly. The way he looked at me..." She paused to bite her lip, fighting now to just spit the words out - to come clean, to be honest, for once.. "He's never going to forgive me, Peregrine, never," She said finally with a gentle sob as her tears began to spill freely, "I'm too much of a pathetic coward to even ask him to."
RE: i believe in the things that i am afraid to say. - Peregrine Redhawk - February 10, 2015
Right now, really? was Peregrine's mental response to her question, though it quickly became apparent that it was actually a relevant question. He listened, brow knitted slightly, as she explained that she was a pathetic coward. He wanted to refute her, of course, yet Peregrine maintained his silence, hearing her out.
Then she dropped the bomb: she'd said something horrible to Elwood. He couldn't imagine what, though it all seemed rather serious. Finley seemed to think it was so bad that Elwood would never forgive her, even. Furthermore, she proclaimed herself too cowardly to seek forgiveness, so it appeared she was at something of an emotional impasse.
"Well, what did you say?" was his first question, naturally. And why? his expression added for him. Without those details, he couldn't really speak to whether Elwood would forgive his cohort, though he was already doubting there was anything Finley could say to unalterably damage their relationship. What words could be that bad?
RE: i believe in the things that i am afraid to say. - Finley - February 10, 2015
Peregrine eventually came to ask the inevitable. What did she say, which of course would be followed by why did she say it. Usually, she would have easily spilled the gossip on her packmates, but her gossip wasn't usually this personal, and it didn't usually involve someone she was trying desperately not to make even angrier with her.
Fin ran through the scenario in her head before beginning her explanation, attempting to be as tactful as possible which even on a good day was difficult for her. "I threatened to blackmail him to get him exiled from the pack if he didn't leave on his own..." she said, turning her gaze upwards at Peregrine apologetically as she knew her actions in this case had wronged him as well, "I caught him.. starting something romancey with someone else and it hurt so badly, I got so angry.. Which is so frickin' stupid for so many reasons. But.. I told him he needed to leave before the pups are born. That I didn't want him breaking their hearts when he decides to leave in the Spring to go find his sister."
She wanted to bury her face in the snow again, but resisted. Instead, she laid still and waited for him to beat the crap out of her for being such a dumb ass bitch.
RE: i believe in the things that i am afraid to say. - Peregrine Redhawk - February 10, 2015
He honestly hadn't expected for Finley's words to have been hurtful and devastating not only to Elwood but to him, personally, as well. He stared at the Beta female in surprise, then his expression began to darken. He couldn't fully hold back the growl that burbled in his throat. It was not Finley's place to tell Elwood to leave. It shocked and angered him that would would do something like that. As it turned out, her words were that bad.
"Finley, what the fuck?" he said sharply. "It is completely not your place to exile anyone, much less for the reasons you gave. You're right: that is horrible. What were you thinking?" the Alpha barked, his ears thrusting forward because he couldn't be bothered to stand up and raise his tail as he spoke.
Then he saw the absolute dread and regret on Finley's face and he couldn't help it; he softened. He reminded himself that there must be a reason for her behavior. "Who was he with?" Something clicked in his head and he guessed, "Grimm?" Before letting her reply to any of that, he added, "You two aren't—or weren't—together, were you...? Or were you? Was he... cheating?" he wondered. These details were crucially important.
RE: i believe in the things that i am afraid to say. - Finley - February 10, 2015
The alpha's temper rose and broke over her while she trembled at his feet. She had known it was coming, and thus she was able to just close her eyes and take it in. Every word was deserved; she couldn't have argued with them if she wanted to, so she didn't. She just waited for the lecture to subside so that she could explain herself, even though she really had no explanation to give.
"I know, I don't know what I was thinking," Fin said lamely, "I don't think I even was thinking... I just.." She let the comment trail off for it really didn't have an end to it. Instead, she fell quiet and listened as he continued with more questions that did little more than to drive home the fact that what had happened was just completely stupid and wrong.
"No, we're not... We weren't..." she admitted pathetically, wondering only briefly how on earth he was able to guess it was Grimm. Unless she and Elwood really were together now - a thought that was like another stab wound to her gut. "I told him a long time ago not to fall for me," she continued with a defeated shake of her head, "He probably had no idea how smart it was to listen. I'm not worth the trouble..... I'm so sorry, Peregrine."
RE: i believe in the things that i am afraid to say. - Peregrine Redhawk - February 10, 2015
The tension in his muscles relaxed even more when Finley scrambled to own her mistake. At least she wasn't deflecting the blame or making excuses for her behavior. Even when she explained, she didn't try to make herself look better. She even finished off by saying she wasn't worth the trouble and offering a breathy, genuine apology.
Seeing Finley like this hurt him, though the anger gave him some balance. "You told him not to fall for you?" he repeated rhetorically. "And then got mad at him when he followed your advice? C'mon, Fin..." he said, shaking his head. "Why would you tell him that in the first place, anyway? From where I'm standing, something is pretty fucking clear: you're in love with the dude, aren't you?"
Why else would she be beside herself about Elwood's forgiveness? Why else would she have been so upset about Elwood getting intimate with Grimm? There was no other explanation that made as much sense as this one. What Peregrine really wanted to know was why Finley had thrown up roadblocks in the first place, though even as he silently awaited an answer, he supposed it seemed in character. Finley just didn't do feelings, not really, so the entire thing was somehow unsurprising.
RE: i believe in the things that i am afraid to say. - Finley - February 10, 2015
As much as Fin knew she deserved this, she couldn't help but wish that he hadn't spelled it out for her so bluntly. She already felt like a complete jack ass, having each step spelled out so that a kindergartener could understand it was like rubbing salt in the wound. But again, she humbly held her tongue as he spoke and simply listened to his words.
At his final question, her ears pricked and her eyes went wide. She lifted her head to blink at him in surprise. "What? Me - I.. you do!" she blurted defensively, only to seconds after drop the charade and look away, embarrassed, "I mean.. I don't... I can't, Peregrine, I just can't." Unbidden, Finley pulled herself onto all fours and took a couple of steps back, like a caged animal being prodded with a stick. She felt her heart beginning to race in her chest and swallowed hard to try and pull herself back under control.
"I'm not made for relationships," she said, staring at the ground between them instead of at the wolf she was actually speaking to, "I just hurt people. I'm too much of an idiot, I just fuck everything up and hurt everyone."
RE: i believe in the things that i am afraid to say. - Peregrine Redhawk - February 10, 2015
If the matter wasn't so serious, he might have laughed at her knee-jerk reaction. It wasn't a moment for laughter, though, and Finley deflated like a dying balloon animal. She never admitted it outright, yet it was pretty clear he was right on the money.
"You can't help how you feel," he pointed out sagely, "only how you behave about your feelings." He turned somewhat so that he was facing her rather than the lake, then bent down to touch his nose to the tip of her ear. "You definitely fucked up; I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you. But you can still make this right."
Peregrine paused, deliberating over what advice to dispense to his lovelorn friend. He wanted to argue with her, reassure her that she could make it work and that everyone was made to find their penguin and live happily ever after. He wasn't so naïve, though, and neither was she.
"Nothing obligates you to be in a relationship with him, even if you love him and he loves you," he began slowly, "but Elwood doesn't deserve to be treated like garbage, no matter what. You should apologize to him. He's your friend. Beyond that, well... it's your business whether you want to tell him the truth about how you feel about him and relationships and all that jazz.
Open, honest communication and hard work are the only things that make a relationship of any kind work," Peregrine finished, "so if you can't do that, then, no... you probably aren't cut out for them. But if you can... you could find a happiness and future you never thought possible, Finley. You'll still make mistakes and stuff—everyone does because nobody's perfect—but, you know, Elwood might be worth the risks. And I'm willing to bet, if he knew all the facts, he might think you're worth them too."
Of course, he couldn't actually speak for Elwood. But Peregrine felt pretty sure that the Beta female's feelings were not unrequited, Grimm aside. He decided he would find out for sure, just as soon as he was done here. He would find the Beta male, do some damage control, then gently (or maybe not so gently) poke these two together once and for fucking all.
RE: i believe in the things that i am afraid to say. - Finley - February 10, 2015
Fin's tension eased at Peregrine's touch. She mulled over his words in her mind and kept them there beside the doubt that still remained over what she should do. The alpha had good points, and though they were things she knew already, hearing him say them too gave her a more comforting level of validation. But when Peregrine spoke of risks, she knew that he didn't know exactly what those were in Finley's mind. And she didn't have the emotional energy to tell him, nor would she have done so even if she did. Those were secrets she was not yet ready to revisit.
Fin had nothing to say in response to all that her friend had told her, and she trusted that he knew already what sentiments she felt towards him for saying them at all. She chewed thoughtfully on her lip for a moment before her eyes flickered up from the ground to his face and she finally moved to break the silence. "What if he doesn't forgive me?" she asked quietly. The rest of the crap she could figure out after the fact for Peregrine was right - no matter if they decided to remain friends or take that terrifying leap together, she needed to make everything right with him first. Whatever he meant to her, it was too much for her to lose him. That much she couldn't bear the thought of.
RE: i believe in the things that i am afraid to say. - Peregrine Redhawk - February 10, 2015
A silence hung between them following Peregrine's soliloquy, though it wasn't an uncomfortable one. He gazed down at her, watching her face shift contemplatively, his own expression rather blank. When she finally spoke, she only had six words for him, a gently desperate question that came straight from the heart, he was sure.
"He will," the Alpha said simply, rising. "I'm going to speak with him. Don't try to argue with me," he warned, albeit in a soft voice, before Finley could possibly protest. "I need to make sure Elwood understands that he doesn't actually have to leave, first and foremost. Then I'll pave the way for you to apologize in person, which you will, no matter what else happens between the two of you. But I'll put in a good word."
Peregrine gave the top of Finley's head a pointed look, then bent down to give her a quick lick between her ears. Turning, he loped away from the lake shore, ignoring the pulling (but hopefully not tearing) of his shoulder wounds as he hastened back to the caldera to track down Elwood.
RE: i believe in the things that i am afraid to say. - Finley - February 11, 2015
Fin felt the tears flooding her eyes again as Peregrine assured her that Elwood would forgive her. She still wasn't so sure. When it came to relationships, Fin would always fall into the trap of pessimism and believe the worst. At least, for her own relationships. Somehow even when she saw couples like Fox and Peregrine, loving and working together so beautifully, she had perfect faith in their ability to go the distance, that neither would ever hurt the other. It was something Fin didn't believe she could ever have, that she could ever even be worthy of. She did take comfort in Peregrine's confidence in Elwood's forgiveness, but that piece of doubt would always linger.
She didn't even bother trying to argue when the black wolf said he was going to speak with Elwood. She wasn't in the position to argue with anything he said. She kept her gaze lowered to her paws as Peregrine said his final words, then gave her a little kiss upon her crown and left. Fin stayed right where she was, wondering what it was she should do next. Her mind reeled, but then finally she shut it down and pulled herself onto all fours. She wasn't ready to face Elwood, not yet. She was too overwhelmed, and she'd had about enough confessing for one day.