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+--- Thread: in this world it's hard to get it right. (/showthread.php?tid=7576)
in this world it's hard to get it right. - Finley - February 11, 2015
There were many points upon which she agreed with Peregrine when it came to their talk about what had happened between her and Elwood. First and foremost was the simple fact that she desperately needed to apologize to her co-beta. While she'd felt brave enough to do so in the presence of her alpha, once he had gone her courage had failed her again, and so she turned away from the Caldera to seek the refuge of solitude so that she could lick her wounds and talk herself back down from the ledge. Instead, she set her course to the South and steered herself around the edge of Lake Rodney. It was a path she'd taken only once before, but thought of then as a result of a retrospective comparison to the Peregrine of this conversation versus the Peregrine that had come to laugh at her while she was high on shrooms in the forest she now was stepping lightly through.
At the time, the forest had seemed dark and haunted. Now in the morning light with Winter's glow settled throughout it was actually beautifully ethereal. The trees stood tall from the ground like bones, all covered in frost that shone yellow and pink from the rising sun. While Finley wasn't usually one to admire the scenery, she felt almost like a different wolf as she whispered through the trees like an ashen shade, her heart, body and mind all just exhausted from all she'd put herself through the past few days.
There seemed to be a pretty decent amount of little creeks and streams reaching between the trees like long fingers, pooling here and there as the ground dipped and rose. It was next to one of these little pools that she stopped and stretched out in the snow. She settled her head upon her arm and sighed heavily, too physically tired to continue her walk. It was her intention to set her mind again to the task of sorting through her emotions and writing the script for her apology to Elwood, but she quickly realized she still was just as mentally weary as physically. So, she contented herself with staring out across the pool and watching the changing colors of the sunrise reflect back at her upon the thin sheet of ice that covered it.
RE: in this world it's hard to get it right. - Elwood - February 11, 2015
Elwood, too, had a head full of thoughts after a conversation with Peregrine. It was not his intention to seek out Finley any time soon -- rather, he planned to give it a couple of days so that they could both have some space, presumably to think things through. Apologies were imminent, but there was so much scar tissue already developing beneath the surface; to force a friendship too soon would surely just cause more damage.
The universe, of course, had different plans for them. Redhawk Caldera was not an overly large territory, and while Finley did not mind venturing beyond its boundaries, Elwood wanted to stay put. After the brief few hours he had spent thinking he would be forced to leave, he was thankful for each nook and cranny of the squat mountain and its surrounding foothills. Just the act of pressing his paws into the soft earth was enough to bring him relief.
He closed his eyes as he meandered, tilting his face to the sun. With effort, he let his mind go blank. He could almost imagine a resolution to all of this; Peregrine had confidence that things would work out one way or the other. Either way, he felt better knowing that the end would not involve his exile. He took a deep breath, filling his lungs with crisp morning air --
-- and stopped in his tracks. Finley's scent swam into his nostrils, and his heart immediately plummeted to his feet. Wildly, he looked around; his gaze settled on a familiar grey figure, curled up next to an offshoot of a larger stream. His first reaction was to turn and run, but he knew there was no way he could get away with that, so he took a slow step backward. Immediately, he stepped on a dry limb strewn across his path; there was a resounding crack, and Elwood winced, his ears flattening to his head.
RE: in this world it's hard to get it right. - Finley - February 11, 2015
Finley's ears twitched as she heard the crack of dry brush nearby. She snapped her head to attention instinctively, only to curse those very instincts in the next second as her gaze landed on the very last wolf she wanted to see. "Oh fuck..." she mumbled to herself, unable to help it. Her nerves twisted quickly into a massive ball in her chest as she stared at him. Her mouth was open, but it was completely empty of words. She didn't want him to be there. Not yet. She wasn't ready for this. What was she supposed to say? What was she supposed to do? What had Peregrine said to him? Had he even found him before Elwood had wandered outside of the Caldera? Why did he look so panicked to see her as well? Was he also dreading this moment, knowing he was planning to rip her heart out and stab it and stuff?
"El.. I'm...." the words began to leak slowly from her lips, even though she was barely even aware of it in her panic, "I'm.. really fucking stupid." With the words finally free, she let loose too the heavy breath she'd held back, slumping lamely as she did so. She watched him with glassy eyes, forcing herself to be strong when otherwise she would have loved nothing more than to bury her face in her arms and melt into the pond before her.
RE: in this world it's hard to get it right. - Elwood - February 11, 2015
When Finley caught sight of him, Elwood felt as though he was looking into a mirror. Her face appeared just as panic-stricken as he felt, and through the palpable tension, he continued to reverse. His paws moved backward until she spoke, calling out to him uncertainly. It was odd to hear her call him "El" -- more often than not, she resorted to the nickname she had given him so long ago.
He halted, his ears unfolding as she spoke four words. "I'm really fucking stupid." Her eloquence would have brought a smile to his face, had there not been so many other emotions vying for the spotlight. Instead, he chewed nervously on his lower lip, his gaze darting from Finley's crumpled form to the gurgling creek next to her and back again.
Finally, after a silence that seemed to last eons, he cleared his throat and replied. "Me too," he said, his voice hoarse. At least there was one thing they could agree on; it was a start.
RE: in this world it's hard to get it right. - Finley - February 11, 2015
It was the longest moment of silence she'd ever experienced. All the while, Fin couldn't tear her eyes away from his face, watching each shift of his eyes, the slight crinkle of his brow and the twitch of his ears. She was searching for any clue as to what was going on in his mind for there were so many possibilities. What he actually said was probably the last thing she would have expected, and it left her both speechless and even more clueless as to where to go from there.
Elwood slowly admitted that he too was apparently fucking stupid. She wanted to disagree, although even moreso she was curious as to why he would say that about himself. After a moment, she pushed herself up onto her haunches. Her ears were pulled back in humility as she took a few seconds to stare at her paws and gather herself. As much as she had rehearsed her apology in her head, she somehow lost every one of the words she'd tried so hard to commit to memory. There was only one thing that she could find within her to say, and were it not for how desperately her heart hummed with it, she might have remained perfectly silent in that winter-lit grotto for the rest of her days.
"Please don't leave..." Fin said softly, shivering in a way that had nothing to do with the cold.
RE: in this world it's hard to get it right. - Elwood - February 11, 2015
"Please don't leave..."
Those words were simultaneously the best and worst response Elwood could have imagined. She didn't really want him to go; she was sorry, and he knew it. Peregrine had passed the message along initially, and he could see it now in her face. But at the same time, he couldn't shake the image of her face contorted with anger as she threatened to blackmail him. It would take a long time for that picture to fade.
His heart told him to go to her, to wrap her in his embrace, but his head forced him to stay rooted. He had never before felt so conflicted; he closed his eyes briefly, inhaling softly through his nostrils. When he exhaled, he urged himself to move forward slowly. He began to close the gap, though when his paws stilled once more there was still an ample amount of space between them.
"Are you sure?" he wanted to ask, but Peregrine's advice echoed in his mind: Finley was emotionally vulnerable, feeling as though he would never forgive her, and on top of all that there was something that made her shy away from relationships in the first place. It was a recipe for disaster, and all it had taken to ice the cake was his thoughtless action with Grimm. "I'm not going anywhere," he murmured; there was so much meaning behind that statement. He wouldn't leave Redhawk Caldera; he wouldn't leave her. No matter how their friendship transformed after this moment, he couldn't walk away.
RE: in this world it's hard to get it right. - Finley - February 12, 2015
Seconds after she said it, Fin shut her eyes and braced herself for what would come next, this was when the yelling began; when he would berate her for daring to ask him to stay when it was her who'd screamed at him to leave in the first place. Any moment the insults would come, each one more deserved than the next. And then it would be her turn to explain, to apologize, to plead with him not to go. She'd go instead, and then everyone could forget this whole thing and go on with their lives with one less disaster walking amongst them.
But, none of it came. Finley set her eyes upon Elwood as he spoke, not even raising his voice as he said some of the sweetest words she'd ever heard. He came towards her then and she felt her heart beating faster. Her tongue wove itself into even tighter knots in her mouth, so she too decided to take a couple of timid steps forward, taking the moment to pull some other buzz words from her overly crowded mind.
"I didn't mean any of it. I was such a complete idiot," she continued softly, "Can you ever forgive me?" she didn't dare now to take her eyes off of him. She felt almost as though she were just pushing her luck now by even asking it. The tears that had pooled just behind her eyes were there again at the forefront, but she held them back as determinedly as she could. As pathetic and vulnerable as she was, it still terrified her the idea of being in this state in front of him, even if it was the type of situation that required it.
RE: in this world it's hard to get it right. - Elwood - February 12, 2015
This isn't what I expected him to do! :o
There wasn't a doubt in Elwood's mind that he would be able to forgive Finley. But he knew that it wouldn't be a quick fix; this wasn't something that either of them could move past without some effort. And the first step to putting their broken puzzle back together was communication. This didn't seem to be either wolf's strong suit, and while it would have been easier for Elwood to give a short, succinct answer, he felt as though he needed to say more. He wanted to open the door to trust and understanding; after talking to Peregrine, he recognized that he would have to be the one to do it. Finley was struggling.
He wondered briefly what had happened in her past to make her so wary and defensive; this wasn't the time nor place to try and figure it out, but he did hope that someday she would open up to him. With that thought swirling through his mind, he took a few more steps forward, until they were close enough to touch. He could have reached out and tapped her nose with his -- a gesture that was so meaningful to their relationship -- but he refrained.
Looking her in the eye -- gold meeting copper, both brimming with emotion -- he nodded gently. "I can forgive you," he said softly, his voice scarcely above a whisper. His heart fluttered in his chest but he forged ahead. "I will forgive you. I know now that I hurt you, and I never meant to do that. I never want to do that again. There's something I need to tell you, but I don't want you to run. I just want you to listen, okay?" He paused momentarily, but didn't give her a chance to reply. "I love you. I know that you're scared -- so am I. If you're not ready for the next step -- whatever the next step is -- that's fine. I don't want to push you into anything you don't want to do. I just...I just want you to know," he said haltingly. He wasn't sure if she would accept his words, or if she would flee; but he knew that he had to say them.
RE: in this world it's hard to get it right. - Finley - February 12, 2015
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Silence fell between them after she gave her apology. The quiet gave her mind the time to reel with doubt. It warned her that everything was about to go terribly wrong. He wasn't going to forgive her. He was just trying to find the words to explain how he would never forgive her, how she was a different person to him now. He didn't trust her, he could never even look at her the same way. She had ruined it. She'd destroyed everything before she'd even realized what it was.
And then, he came closer. Fin froze against her instincts which were telling her to back away, to cower against the attack he was about to unleash. It was absurd, really. She'd never flinched in such a cowardly fashion when an angry carnivore had come charging at her intent on killing her, but she knew without a doubt that Elwood could do far more damage to her than some stupid bear could.
When finally he spoke, Fin was convinced that she hadn't heard him right. Almost as though he knew this already, he repeated himself and stole away that doubt. When he continued, the caged animal look and tension upon her features eased away with each word, leaving behind only a feeling that she couldn't have described if she'd tried. It was somewhere between overwhelming joy and complete terror... Jerror? Whatever the case, Finley Blackthorn was speechless, and suddenly her head was spinning even faster.
He loved her. Those three words could have knocked her unconscious had he not been so firm with her about wanting her to stay and listen to what he had to say. Hearing him say it was so completely different than any time she'd heard it uttered to her by anyone else. There was no uncertainty in it that she couldn't overlook, and no lie that she overlooked easily out of pure desperation for it to be true. It was just... true. And it left no room for her to argue, which meant that she had no idea how to function if fighting wasn't an option. On that much, her mind and her heart were in complete agreement.
Fin had never been good with words even at the best of times. Now standing at the precipice of saying something every fiber of her being was screaming at her to just say already, she found herself suddenly struggling to remember how, even though all it would take was for her to just repeat exactly what Elwood had just said. Why was that so painstakingly difficult for her?
When finally she replied, Finley was shaking like crazy and staring at his face as though she'd cease to exist if she dared look away for even a second. Her voice was hushed and trembling, but somehow, she found the strength to reply with four breathless words: "There was no moth."
RE: in this world it's hard to get it right. - Elwood - February 12, 2015
omgggggg
Surprisingly enough, Finley remained motionless even after Elwood finished speaking. He had fully expected her to turn tail and run, since that was what she seemed to do best. With a gently furrowed brow, he tried to read her expression as she digested his words, his stomach doing anxious flips. He had just bared his soul to her, something he hadn't planned to do for quite a while -- but he had found himself without an option. He had to say it.
When he noticed how violently she was trembling, he knew it was over. He had upset her in some way; Peregrine was wrong, somehow, and she didn't love him. Preemptively, he started to wilt, his ears falling to either side and his tail slowly drooping behind him. But then she opened her mouth and he stiffened -- and with a voice quivering with emotion, she said, "There was no moth."
Confusion flickered across his face. At first, her statement made no sense to him, and his jaws parted to question her sanity. But then, a memory struck him unexpectedly. He remembered being sprawled across the icy floor of the secret cavern within the mountain, entwined with Finley after a clumsy turn of events. They were face-to-face, and he specifically recalled her warm breath washing over his face. Behind her, icicles glittered and threw rainbow patterns haphazardly across the crystallized room. It was the first time she had made his heart skip a beat -- and then he remembered the pain as she abruptly struck him in the face with her paws and slid away from him.
She had blamed it on a moth -- but there was no moth. What did that mean? Though he had never laid eyes on the offending insect, he had allowed himself to believe her; what else was he supposed to do? But now she was taking it back; quietly he queried, "What do you mean?" Did she love him back? Had she done it because she was afraid of the emotions welling within her? He needed clarity -- he couldn't make assumptions. His heart couldn't take the disappointment if he was wrong.
RE: in this world it's hard to get it right. - Finley - February 12, 2015
Elwood looked confused, and for a brief moment of wild paranoia, her heart plummeted into her stomach as she determined that he was about to take back what he'd said because she was mentally disturbed. But then something came across his face, and finally he responded to her with a question. He didn't understand what she was trying to say. Well.. that made sense. It had been extremely random given the moment.
"I mean.. the moth. I made it up," she explained nervously, "I just... I just punched you." I should let it be known at this point that she was only vaguely aware that she was speaking at all. Her mind was too busy babbling he loves me over and over again to really pay attention to what the rest of her was doing. ".....'cause.. you looked at me..." Have I ever mentioned how painstakingly difficult it is to write Fin's dialogue when she's not making jokes?
"But.. I looked at you too," she said, settling her chocolate eyes upon his honeybee yellow, almost pleading with him to understand, to help her somehow. She was like an infant trying to say "mama" for the first time. She knew the words, knew what they meant, knew she wanted to say them. But how to move her mouth to make it happen? "I looked at you too," Fin repeated, softer this time. She was so close. Just replace a few words with the right ones and she had it!
RE: in this world it's hard to get it right. - Elwood - February 12, 2015
Hahaha, oh Finley. <3
Slowly, ever so slowly, Elwood's confusion dissipated, like rain clouds after a thunderstorm. It wasn't easy to make sense of what Finley was trying to say, but the more she tried to explain, the more he understood. She was all but saying it, and he thought he could read between the lines. But he was still afraid to make that leap; to put words in her mouth that she might not have meant.
He blinked at her, his eyes owlishly round. Where he could have felt frustration, he instead experienced an overwhelming sense of patience -- he had said what he needed to say. She hadn't run away, so he was willing to wait her out. It was coming, he knew it; it just had to be on her own terms. His insides were still anxiously clenched, and he was fairly certain that she could hear his heartbeat pounding uncontrollably, but still he coaxed her.
"I did look at you," he agreed softly, "...and you looked at me too?" He waited again, hardly daring to breathe -- and then, without really thinking about it, he reached out to her. As tentatively as the touch of a butterfly's wings -- or maybe a moth's wings, in this case -- he tapped his nose against hers, his gaze never straying. Just like the first time, he felt a spark between them; only he knew now he wasn't imagining it. She felt it too...didn't she?
RE: in this world it's hard to get it right. - Finley - February 12, 2015
If Peregrine could have seen them then, dancing this slow and painfully cautious dance, he likely would have had an aneurysm. Or he would have straight up shot them both. Fin watched her fellow beta as he puzzled his way through her cryptic words, praying that he would understand what she was failing so abysmally at saying before she passed out as I'm pretty sure she hadn't taken a breath since he'd told her he loved her.
When Elwood finally spoke, relief washed over her. Though he may have been still too nervous to allow himself fully to believe what it was she'd been trying to say, she had no doubt that he understood. He knew. And he wasn't changing his mind and taking it all back. A warmth fell over her like a soft, protective blanket as he leaned forward and pressed his nose ever so gently against hers. It was a touch that less than an hour ago, she'd been convinced she'd never feel again, and now that she had it, she'd never felt so overwhelming moved by it.
Finley nodded gently, keeping her nose pressed lightly against his even as she moved her muzzle. "I've been looking at you ever since," she admitted, her heart pounding. It was all at once terrifying, humbling and liberating saying it (even though.. she hadn't technically said it, had she?), and even though the tension was now timidly slipping away bit by tiny bit, she remained still, not wanting to move away from even this tiniest of his touches.
RE: in this world it's hard to get it right. - Elwood - February 12, 2015
"I've been looking at you ever since."
Elwood closed his eyes, warmth spreading throughout his body; the sensation started in his chest and made its way to his toes. She loved him too; in her own way, that quirky Fin-way that she had of doing things, she had admitted it. And at that very moment, it was just as good as if she had used the more traditional words.
It was hard to believe that only a few days ago things had been completely reversed; they had been screaming at each other, fueled by an anger so hot it rivaled the molten lava that had once seeped from the peak of Redhawk Caldera. They had both gone into an emotional tailspin, convinced that they would never see or speak to each other again -- and now, here they were. Part of Elwood still wanted to take back his actions with Grimm, but without that incident, none of this would have occurred. He wouldn't know how Finley truly felt about him.
When he opened his eyes again, a slow smile pulled at the corners of his lips. He withdrew only slightly, just enough to give a breath of space between them so that he could deliver a swift kiss to the tip of her snout -- his tongue flickered in and out of his mouth so fast that he wasn't even sure he had gone through with it. Things weren't perfect yet -- there was still a lot of shit to be worked out and hurt feelings to be mended. But at this point, he (perhaps naively) thought that they could overcome anything. "I love you," he whispered again, his eyes bright as he words crossed his lips for the second time.
RE: in this world it's hard to get it right. - Finley - February 12, 2015
Fin saw the joy that eased the anxious tension in Elwood's face and suddenly found herself too smiling gently. When he pulled away, she felt a brief flurry of panic and nearly let loose a soft whine before he planted a kiss upon her muzzle and repeated those beautiful words.
There was so much yet to be resolved between them. This wasn't nearly the skip off into the sunset happily ever after ending for the two of them. Fin had too many demons still haunting her for this to be the end of a fairytale. But in that moment, all of that darkness was far from Fin's mind as she moved closer to Elwood, planted two gentle kisses upon his muzzle and then pressed herself against him. Just before burying her face into the soft fur of his neck, she was taken by a sudden stroke of courage and murmured boldly a reply, "I love you too."
RE: in this world it's hard to get it right. - Elwood - February 13, 2015
We can wrap up soon if you want, or keep going! Up to you, dearest. :)
She whined as he pulled away from her, causing his ears to turn towards her with concern. But in response to the gentle kiss he had given her, she did something that was totally opposite of her normal actions. Rather than pulling away or backing up, she shifted closer, until their silver fur mingled and Elwood could feel the heat radiating off her body. He rumbled softly, a sound of contentment deep in his chest that wasn't unlike the purring of a cat.
His brows lifted in surprise as she returned his kisses. He then curved his neck over hers in a wolfish hug, thinking that he couldn't have been happier with this moment. All of the pain and strife and worry -- it had been worth it, if this was what it led to. When she spoke, her voice was muffled by his fur and he almost missed it -- but somehow, he knew exactly what she had said. His chest tightened, though not in an unpleasant way, and he dropped his chin to nip affectionately at the tip of one of her ears.
He hadn't expected to hear those three words from her that day; already, what she had said had required a tremendous amount of effort, he knew. But his feelings for her only grew stronger as he replayed her sentiment in his mind, memorizing her tone of voice. He wanted to remember everything.
RE: in this world it's hard to get it right. - Finley - February 13, 2015
You wanna fade and we can has a new one? :D MY HEART CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF THE FEELS <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
Finley leaned into him as he embraced her, shifting her weight to snuggle even closer to him like a little tick. The thought actually popped into her head and for a moment, she felt compelled to let him know that she was being his 'love tick'. She awkwardly bit the words back, though.
Being so emotionally vulnerable was something so new to her that it felt almost like a raw wound - not painful at all, but extremely sensitive, as though even the tiniest further comment about how she felt about them and their relationship was simply too much for her romantically infantile brain to handle. Even though she'd finally spit out the most important confession of all and that would seemingly have cleared the way for all of the other, smaller ones, she still felt far too needlessly nervous to utter another one. So, she kept quiet as she simply enjoyed the feeling of getting to hug him.
Well... That is until her giddyness morphed into mischief. With a cheeky little smile, she lifted her head from his neck and slid her muzzle up towards his ear. "I'm still the better beta..." she whispered with a grin, shortly after giving his ear an affectionate prod with her nose.
RE: in this world it's hard to get it right. - Elwood - February 14, 2015
I'll start us a new one!
For a few moments, there was no sound between them other than their soft breathing. Elwood was happy to keep it that way -- there was nothing else that he felt needed to be said, not yet. At some point, they would have to disentangle themselves and make their way back to the caldera. He supposed they would resume their "normal" lives, for the most part; fulfilling Beta duties, spending time with each other and with their packmates. But how would things play out now that the dynamic between them was different?
He didn't have long to dwell on that thought -- and it was one that would be present in his mind for days to come -- when Finley whispered a playful comment in his ear. He grinned and leaned back just far enough to look down at her with an incredulous expression. "Are you sure about that?" he teased good-naturedly, then wrapped his forearm around her. Dropping his weight against her, he pulled her to the ground and began attacking her face with kisses, laughing all the while.
Once their play fight had ended (though Elwood dragged it out for some time, enjoying the ability to connect with Finley in a way that he hadn't before) they eventually got to their feet and meandered slowly back home.