Falls of the Hinterlands and if you don't love me now, you will never love me again

@Tegan

It wasn't as often as it had been, back when she'd first found out. After hearing the news, she'd cried for a day and a night, unable to walk even to the river for the grief that had pinned her bodily to the ground. The girl - Skraeling - had remained with her until she'd been able to move once more, and had walked by her side to Round Valley, where Sunspot had been waiting. They'd cried together, and Easy (as she'd been known back then, before Sunspot had told her it was no fit name for a young woman) had continued to cry in jags that lasted for minutes at times, hours at others. And when she'd been able to more than a day without it, she'd left. And by the time she'd reached the rise where she and Aditya had reunited, she hadn't for weeks.

But today was a crying day, it seemed. The grief was no less sharp for having slept for a time, and she gasped along with her sobs, trying to catch her breath, stumbling to a stop without really seeing where her flight had taken her. Gradually, though, she came to realize that her paws were wet, and she sank gratefully into the cool, clear waters. There was a soothing rumble in the background, and it helped disguise the sounds of her sobs. She found she could barely hear them at all as she quieted herself, and it eased her heart a little - made her feel a little less alone.

after whatever conversation tegan had had with niamh, and a quick bite to eat to get some energy, the blackthorn boy took off after his friend. it wasn't so hard to track her, he left relatively soon after her. but, he realized, she must not have stopped for a long time, because tegan was walking for a while. eventually, however, he came across her bulky, patchy form, in a pool beneath a waterfall. tegan sighed, she looked like a fuckin wreck.

he approached slowly, ears splayed, and called out, "blackbear?"

She didn't hear Tegan approach. After the way she'd behaved herself on his family's borders, she didn't expect him to come after her. She would have been mortified if she'd stuck up for him only to have him act that way in front of her family - whatever was left of it, at least. It was only when he said her name that she looked up, startled both by his presence and by his use of her new name, rather than her childhood name.

"I'm so sorry," was the first thing out of her mouth. She turned her face away and dunked it under the water, hoping to erase the evidence of her tears. Obviously, he would know that she'd been crying, but at least she could maybe not throw it in his face. "I just didn't know what to say and I panicked, and I thought... she was already angry..."

Blackbear sniffled, mortified as she felt the waterworks coming on again.

tegan tried really hard not to cackle as she went head first underwater. it was kinda stupid looking, lets be real, but tegan was gonna try not to be such a fucking dick. "damn you're gonna make me show some real emotion here aren't you?" oh wait, fuck, don't be such a dick, right. he shook his head, padding towards her. "no, i'm kidding, come'ere," he corrected, wading into the water and, if she would let him, giving her cheek a gentle nudge.

"it's my fault she was a bitch, not yours," tegan decided to start with, maybe those would be some sort of good, helpful words...  "she's new in a position of power and i'm obviously not the world's most... i dunno, i just don't always have the best judgement." she probably got that, probably, i mean, she'd known tegan for a while, even if it wasn't always in super close contact super often. he was sort of a fuckall mess. 

"redhawks lost out on a good wolf, though, it's our loss."

Blackbear accepted the nudge with a gutsy sigh that turned into a startled squeak at Tegan's language. "She wasn't - " a bitch. "Don't say that. I'm just a mess, is all." She didn't blame the woman for being exacting, and she certainly didn't blame her for the way Blackbear had run off.

Honestly, she didn't know where Tegan was getting his estimation of her. She wasn't a good wolf, and she was ashamed to have claimed to be one. Being unable to back up her claim had led her to the realization that she wasn't one, and then almost using her father's death to gain sympathy had really been the icing on the cake.

"She's right, Tegan. I should have been there when he died. Maybe if I'd been around..." But she couldn't go down that road. Hating herself for not being there was one thing, but blaming herself for Daddy's death would definitely have made him mad at her. She felt he would at least understand where she was coming from about the first thing.

actually, if easy would've asked him why he thought so highly of her he wouldn't have been able to answer. it was some made of fantasy about 'all his bitches bein bad' or something or another. basically, tegan thought highly of easy because he wanted to. and for so long they'd been friends, which was loyalty, or something, and that counted for something in his book. 

but she didn't ask, so tegan wasn't forced to think about it. 

"she was," tegan said quietly, ears flattening, "i mean, you're a mess but... it's okay to be a mess, and she was kinda mean before you even got a chance to explain yourself all the way." tegan had been a mess before-- shout out to his week of silence in protest against towhee being a bitch. maybe he'd hit niamh with the silent treatment, it seemed to work for towhee, anyhow.

and then, tegan was taken aback. "whoa whoa-- dial that mess down, okay? no way no how that was your fault. absolutely nothing you could've done could've prevented it, guaranteed." well, how did tegan know? he didn't know how the dude died... but there was no way. unless she actually killed the guy.

Blackbear let out a heavy breath. Part of her knew he had to be pulling this stuff out of his ass, but she was willing to let the words comfort her, for the moment. Why not? She reminded herself that Daddy wouldn't want her to beat herself up, and that helped, but not enough to fully soothe her aching heart.

"Well, I think I ruined my chances with your family," she said with a tiny sigh, hoping to skip past the emotional turmoil and get back to being pragmatic. Pragmatic had been working for her, lately. "Any idea where I should try next? I'm tired of being on my own."

tegan hesitated, shooting her an apologetic look that paired awkwardly with a smirk. "well, okay, so i might've exaggerated with the we lost out part," he started, glancing away for a moment, "i talked to her, actually vouched for you-- and like, sophisticatedly or whatever instead of interjecting like i was before-- and she said if you could complete a task she'd reevaluate you." his ears pricked as he awaited an answer, cutting in as he remembered-- "like actually evaluate you, i don't think she really put much thought into it today. which was my fault."

he looked at her, shrugged, and added finally, "if you still want." 

It was tempting - Blackbear wanted nothing more than for her self-imposed exile to come to an end. Having a family again would be a huge weight off her shoulders. Maybe she could start eating more than fish and crawdads... but she'd already had two bad encounters with the Redhawks. She was friends with Tegan, but he didn't seem to be in very good standing with them, either.

"I'm really flattered that you would do that for me, but... I don't know if it's the right path right now," she said, letting out a soft breath of resignation. "I need to go somewhere no one knows my name." Not just because of the Blackbear thing - but because she wanted a clean slate more than anything. Maybe if she could rebuild herself from the ground up, she'd stop feeling like she was about to fall apart. "Thank you for coming to find me, though."

tegan was surprised at how disappointed he felt. he'd never really thought about it before, but he kinda hated not having a friend. i mean, he had plenty. but growing up, his siblings and towhee were always his bros. and then lucca turned kinda LAME and clover and fiadh had each other, and towhee became buddies with niamh. and even niamh, who tegan was convinced he was gonna bag / be BFF's with, fell in love with his own god damn uncle. and then stole towhee from him.

tegan wasn't lonely, really, cause he had everyone he needed... but he and easy always had a good friendship-- and easy friendship, one he never really had to think about. and he was kind of sad to hear it would never full blossom into something more than maybe monthly meetings. tegan wanted a person-- why'd everyone else get to have someone?

but, damn, can't let those motherfuckers know how you feel, am i right? gotta keep em right where you want em... 

"right," he said quietly, not sounding sad... more thoughtful, than anything, "i'm sorry you keep having shitty experiences with us, we're actually a really cool pack-- swear." and then, after she'd finished, tegan gave a gentle shrug. "yeah, i wasn't gonna leave you like i did last time... that shit's whack," he answered, thin smile lacing his lips-- he didn't feel like smiling. 

and then, breaking a few of his own rules and losing major street creds, tegan asked, "i guess you're not gonna wanna meet up again, are you?"

"It's alright," she said in response. She didn't blame Tegan or the Redhawks for what had happened in the past. She wasn't one of them, and their duty to each other far outweighed being polite to a random stranger. She was sorry that things hadn't gone better, but that was just life, right? In a perfect world, she wouldn't even be looking for another pack to join.

"I'll still come and visit," she assured him, surprised by the suggestion. She did notice that it was a bit out of character, but she didn't know him well enough to know quite how much. "I don't have enough friends that I can start leaving them just lyin' around," she added, hoping to ease the brittleness out of his grin.

tegan smiled a bit. "yeah you gotta start keeping track of us," he teased with a wave of his tail, "and, hey, if you ever change your mind..." tegan trailed off, the offer was sincere, and she could fill in the blanks by herself.

"will you let me know when you settle down somewhere?" he asked, ears angling forwards, "just wanna know where you end up-- what pack is better than the redhawks or whatever."

Blackbear offered a wan smile. "I'll be sure to come all the way back here and let you know," she assured him, meaning it despite the weary tone she used. Tegan was important to her - he was one of the last vestiges of the life she'd once lived. She'd find the time.

"I need to get going," she said then. Although she wasn't working with a timetable, she did want to put some distance between herself and the plateau. Besides, emotional goodbyes were not a good look for her, and it was about time to cut her visit with Tegan short. "I'll see you around, okay?"