Sun Mote Copse Is It Easy to Be Young

@Eljay @Weejay 

When Wraen had suggested Elfie staying with Towhee and her pack for a while, the adolescent had been over the moon. Leaving the copse for any other place had seemed better than staying and being angry and unhappy. Yet, days had passed and then two weeks and he had not mustered up the courage to appraoch Eljay and tell, what he had decided to do. He had hoped that Wraen would change her mind somehow and do it for him, but she had insisted that this was something he had to do on his own. As a grown-up.

Elfie had wagered on going away without a word - no matter, what his father would say, he would do his own thing. And he had done almost done this in the morning, but the wrongness of this action had been so strong, that he had stopped by the borders and had not got anywhere further. He thought of Weejay and how sad she would be, if he went without saying good-bye. Even if it just meant moving to the house next door. And deep down he knew that Eljay would be hurt as well and this would be an alltogether different kind of pain, which he did not think was fair to inflict.

Therefore he turned around and searched the copse for his family. To say what was needed to be said and be on his way.

There was a twitch of nervousness when Eljay found Elfie that day (or rather, the other way around; Eljay had been searching for mushrooms in the Copse when Elfie found him sniffing about in a clearing). Maybe because he had an inkling of what was coming or maybe because he was just usually nervous, especially -- much to his own pain -- around his own son, who clearly didn't like him. Eljay just wished there was something he could do, but it felt to him that it was impossible to win his son's love and the more he tried to protect Elfie from the world, the less successful he got at it.

Hiya Elfie, Eljay said with a soft smile. If only his love was enough, but it somehow never was. And while the worst of the pain of losing Wiffle had subsided, he knew that it was still visible in everything he did. Maybe it was because he did everything just not good enough that he noticed so much that she was not here; every time he failed, every time he pushed Elfie further away, he knew that Wiffle would've done so much better than he.

Elfie did not have to look far for Eljay. In fact, he found him sooner than he had come up with the right and proper things to say and, when he realized this, it was too late to turn around and run in order to buy more time. He bit his lip and furrowed his brow, fighting the inner struggle, but, when his father acknowledged him, he decided to go with the flow. No stopping it now.

After all of the hurtful things he had said and done to Eljay, Elfie was confused seeing that this had not really changed the fact that he was his father's son and that he loved his boy as good as he could. Even now. There was no resentment, no anger or hate in his eyes, just sadness and for some reason it was harder to bear than any of the above. It did not let him justify the way he had treated Eljay. Quite the contrary - he suddenly did not feel worthy of that love, even if he had previously tried so hard to convince himself that he did not need it at all. 

"Hi," he returned the greeting. "I came to tell you that I am going to Asterism Grove to stay there," forever? he thought and then added, "for few months. Towhee has agreed to train me as a mercenary. I am leaving today, I just wanted you to know."

There was something different about Elfie than the usual defiance. Eljay could not quite place it, but it made him feel unsettled. What was going on? Elfie didn't take the time to let Eljay stew in his anxiety; he cut right to the chase and shared the news. He was leaving. W-what? Eljay stammered, clearly taken aback. His eyes widened while he gathered his thoughts as Elfie shared it would be a few months, and that Towhee had agreed to train him.

But you can't leave, Eljay blurted out, not quite as eloquent as he wished he was. I mean, I... He thought of Towhee training Elfie. At first afraid that Elfie might get bullied by her -- then soon realising that rather, it might make Elfie hate his father even more because Towhee didn't like him, either, and drive him further away. I can't let you. We need you here, Elfie, me and Weejay. We're a family. You've got to stay. Please. He had meant to be more resolute, put his foot down and tell Elfie to stay rather than beg him for it, but here we were now.

Elfie bit back the "I am not asking for your permission!" and quite unlike his usual self, he listened stoically to his father pleading him to stay with him and Weejay. His heart ached at the thought of leaving his sister - this was something he had not wanted to think about during the past few days - but it was not like he was going to be far away. Just around the corner. She could visit him any time. And Eljay too, though he was not too sure, if he wished that very much.

"I have made up my mind," Elfie replied, his voice calm and resolute. The decision was made, there was no turning back. "It is something I need to do," he added. "I won't be happy here, if I don't try to make something of myself out there." 

Elfie said that he had made up his mind, and Eljay didn't understand. But most of all, he felt something new -- some sort of -- was this -- anger? Indignation? He tried so hard, and he was responsible for Elfie's life, and yet he decided to leave. He had 'made up his mind'. This wasn't a question, the father realised with a shock, it was an announcement. He was worried, and it made Eljay feel guilty that fear of Towhee turning his own son against him even more was one of his biggest fears in all of this.

But the indignation was quick to melt when Elfie continued. When he said that he needed to do this. That he needed to make something of himself 'out there'. Elfie seemed to always have had this idea that the outside world somehow provided more than this -- home -- and now it was taking him away from Eljay for good. What if Elfie would never want to return home to his boring old dad when he got used to being around cool Towhee?

But even the fear was overshadowed by what Elfie said. He needed this? For what? To become what? He was already enough and so much more; his handsome, confident and brave son.

But you are enough right as you are here, Eljay said when Elfie said he wouldn't be happy if he didn't go out and make something of himself. You don't have to make something more because you're enough. You're a great brother, and a wonderful son. Please... A frown had taken place on Eljay's face as he looked at Elfie, feeling his heart thud in his chest. Stay.

Eljay did not understand him, but this did not come as much of a surprise to Elfie. He had by now realized that they two were made of different kinds of wood and that it would be always difficult for them to find a common ground. Or be of the same opinion about most things without one of them getting angry and annoyed and the other feeling guilty and like a failure. 

"Dad, that's not enough for me," he told him plainly. The sky was the limit, he had not even reached over the tree-tops. He knew every corner of the copse, loved, but had grown tired of seeing the same faces day after day. Hated receiving a (well-deserved) silent treatment from Sugar Glider and Bronco. Hated that everyone else were still silly and acted like babies. He wanted more and two old people, a nervous father and two busy women did not provide him with, what he needed.

Dad, that's not enough for me, was possibly the worst that Eljay had ever heard anyone say. It'd been pretty bad when he had to be told that his mother was gone, not once but multiple times. It'd been really bad when he talked to others about Wiffle's passing, which still struck him every day and had cracked his heart for ever. But to hear his own son say that not only did he no longer need his father or sister or pack, but he also needed more than that... It further tore at the seams of his patched up, bruised and broken heart.

In essence, what Elfie said was -- you're not enough for me -- and that was the hardest thing the father had ever had to process. Eljay's face fell, the hurt displayed clearly on his face as it always was; not because he wanted to, but because he could not hide it.

There were a lot of things he wanted to say. A lot of 'but's that might convince Elfie to stay. A lot of guilt tripping -- not consciously, perhaps, but it would -- about how his sister needed him, how his pack needed him. A lot more pleading and a lot more about how it wasn't safe out there. But Eljay knew that it wouldn't help, and it would only further fracture both his own heart as well as his connection to his son.

Eljay sucked in the feelings he was feeling and all of the words he wanted to say. The fear, the pain, the anger, the tears. He took it all back in and said: Okay. I hope it will do you good. This was what Elfie needed, and while Eljay wanted to strap him down to this pack, to this copse, because it was unsafe outside, he knew that he simply could not. All he could do was hope that Elfie would be alright out there.

Elfie was at an age, where self-discovery and one's feelings are more important than, what others might feel. He could not understand the reasons for Eljay's obvious reluctance to let his son go anywhere. He could not imagine that his father was blaming himself for everything that he was unable to control. Had the boy known, he would have felt surprised. 

There were no other hidden selfish motives in his decision to go other than an opportunity to learn and grow. The world was singing to him in the sweet voice of a siren and he could not resist its call. It was in his nature, in his very core, it resonated with a song inside his soul. He did not have so many words to explain this to his father, but as he turned to leave, he wished that someday Eljay would understand.

"Goodbye, father," he told, gave him one fleeting, awkward smile and then padded away to begin a new chapter in his book of life.

Goodbye, Eljay murmured as Elfie turned around to leave. He was not sure what else to say. The words came out meekly and reluctantly. They spoke volumes about what he wanted and especially what he didn't want. Eljay had to resist to stop Elfie and hug him, but it was clear that his son didn't need his father anymore. Maybe he never really had. He stood and stared as Elfie walked out of his life, and murmured under his breath, not audible to Elfie who was already walking away, Please be safe.