Redhawk Caldera no sunlight, no sunlight anymore.

For my lovebug <33333 @Elwood

The healing process was a slow one, but it was also steady.  It had been a few weeks since her return home and the pain in her joints and limbs had finally subsided.  She still felt bruised and battered, but there was no denying that she was getting stronger.  It was not the first time she had hobbled out to get a breath of fresh air - an act that in itself felt more healing than even rest, Fin thought as she sat quietly outside the den she shared with her mate and son. Not that she would have said no to some extra sleep, of course.  But though Fin had been injured far worse before, she had taken a much longer time than usual regaining the energy and fiestiness she had been born with.  It would come back eventually, though it was likely something no amount of sleep and medicine would bring.

Finley heaved a heavy sigh as a chill twisted through the wind and wrapped itself around her.  Eljay was asleep just inside - it was the only way she could have managed to slip outside by herself considering how incredibly clingy he had become since her homecoming.  She still felt the bitter shock of guilt whenever she allowed herself even a second away from him, even though she knew it wasn't wrong for her to want just a moment or two of space from him.  It wasn't like before.  It would never be like before again...

Her mind began to wander and the beta shrunk inside of herself, the world seeming to disappear.  She had spent a great deal of time withdrawn like that since she had come home.  She tried to keep herself from it, not wanting her family to notice and question her about it.  But Elwood was out hunting and Little Jay napping.  So away she went, sinking into her own dark, miserable thoughts.

I've missed yewww <3

Since Finley's return, things were back to normal, at least on the surface. Elwood was able to resume his duties of hunting and patrolling the borders -- particularly along the southern edge of the caldera, since Lusa's pack was determined to claim Haunted Wood -- as well as spending some time with his little family. He tried to ignore the glaring differences that stared him in the face on a daily basis: Eljay's increased separation anxiety and clinginess, as well as Finley's withdrawal into herself. She tried to put on a brave front, but Elwood could often see past her unconvincing smile.

Presently, he was on his way back from a hunt. He had cached the leftovers and contemplated venturing to the outskirts in order to strengthen their boundaries. But instead, he found his feet pulling him towards home, and he didn't fight it. As he drew nearer, he could see that Finley was outside resting and his spirits lifted ever so slightly. Maybe this was a good sign -- maybe she was getting better.

His gaze lingered on the scars left by the porcupine quills, but he made himself look her in the eye after a moment. A smile creased his lips as he came to a halt in front of her, his tail waving gently behind him. "How are you feeling?" he asked, even as he peered over her shoulder to spot Eljay slumbering in the background.

Missed yew so many moar!!!!!!

Finley was far away when her mate approached.  She didn't even notice he had arrived until he had stopped in front of her.  His voice caused her to start lightly and she gazed at him with surprised, widened eyes.  "Oh! Hi," she greeted him, shaking her head lightly and forcing a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.  She pondered his question and went right to the generic response she always employed when questioned. "I'm fine," she said, instinctively turning her muzzle down and aside to try and subtly hide her scarred visage from view.

She was quiet for a moment, feeling awkward.  She had been home for a while now and most of that time had been spent in Elwood's company, and yet she felt as though they hadn't actually spoken since she'd returned.  It was bizarre feeling this way.  He was her mate, her best friend, the father of her child.  And yet talking to him felt more like talking to a business partner than a lover as of late.  "Have a good hunt?" she asked, glancing backwards at him with her face still nonchalantly turned.

As usual, Finley seemed startled by Elwood's arrival. More often than not these days, she was lost within her own mind. The worst part about it was that Elwood couldn't pry her out of the darkness, and he was beginning to find it difficult to keep trying. Something had happened to her in the wilderness beyond the physical injuries, and he was worried that he wouldn't ever get her back.

But he kept a smile plastered on his face as he lowered himself onto his belly in front of her. She insisted that she was okay, while simultaneously tucking her chin down and away from him in an attempt to obscure her marred cheek from sight. No matter how many times he saw the angry welts, he was still surprised by their severity.

There was silence, and it was nothing new. Elwood gnawed on his lower lip until Finley spoke again, asking about his hunt, but her voice was hollow. "Oh, yeah, it was good. Nothing exciting to report," he replied. "Eljay sleeping?" he asked after a pause, though the question was rhetorical as he could see the gentle rise and fall of the boy's shoulders behind Finley.

Elwood replied to her perfunctory question with a vague answer.  She nodded, but didn't pursue the topic any further.  He changed it quickly enough to Eljay's well-being - a typically safe conversation topic even though it danced dangerously close to one that they needed to have, but both had apparently realized it was off-limits without even needing to say it out loud.

Fin glanced into the den at the sleeping pup.  "Yeah, he passed out not too long ago," she said quietly.  It was a blessing to have a few moments of peace without him clinging to her.  He was so emotional and fragile, it made her anxious to be around him as she was constantly in fear that she would inadvertently say something or do something to set him off.  It made her feel trapped, and Finley could do nothing but accept it with her head hung low in defeat.

Elwood hummed quietly in response. The boy was growing rapidly, and sleeping in the middle of the day would only help his development. It wouldn't be long, though, before he outgrew naps and was more active and productive during the daylight hours. The father's mind wandered briefly, wondering if Eljay would start to pursue a trade now that he was older -- presently, it seemed the youth's main concern was sticking to his parents like glue and refusing to let either of them out of his sight.

Silence lapsed between Elwood and Finley, as it so often did. While Elwood wanted it to be a comfortable stretch of solitude, it wasn't. There was something hanging over their heads, and he couldn't quite identify it -- and he wasn't sure he wanted to. Rather than try to fill the moment with meaningless words, Elwood suddenly leaned towards Finley, maneuvering so that he could touch the tip of his nose to hers. His tail gave a tentative wag behind him as he struggled to make a connection with his distant wife.

Finley would have been happy for her mate to simply steal away into the den for some rest, but he lingered outside with her in awkward silence. She was trying to think of how to encourage him to go in without making things even more uncomfortable when he moved towards her. Fin's body tensed as he reached for her, but she didn't lean away. She stayed still as he touched the tip of his nose to hers - a gesture that had always meant so much to them. It was how she used to tell him that she loved him before she even realized that she did. It had always made everything okay between them.

But that was before. Now, his touch did little more than press the crushing weight of her guilt down upon her even more intensely. Fin wanted to cry, to run, to dissolve into the pile of worthless garbage that she was and beg for forgiveness for all she'd done - things he didn't even know about yet. But the moment he knew, it would be over. So, it had to remain a secret, one which she stored right alongside the ones she already kept from him. She had gotten past that before - she would get past this as well. Somehow.

"You know, it's well past time we moved to the rendezvous site," Fin said after giving her mate a forced smile. She looked back at her sleeping son, "Do you think Peregrine and Fox would mind new neighbors?" They had lived not too far from the alphas before Eljay had been born, so she doubted they would mind now. Maybe things would be better if Jay could be closer to the rest of his family. Maybe even she would be helped by a little change of scenery. The hope was faint, but it was there.

Every time you mention Fin's ~secrets~ I get all antsy because I don't know them! :P

Though he wouldn't admit it, there was a lot riding on that single touch to Finley's nose. Elwood's breath caught in his throat as he gauged her reaction, his eyes fixed on her face without blinking. She didn't move; didn't smile or otherwise indicate that the gesture was meaningful to her. His hopes fell and he averted his gaze, clearing his throat awkwardly as he withdrew. A feeling of dread settled into the pit of his stomach.

He looked pointedly at the dry grass around Finley's paws, drowning in the silence until she broke it. Even then, it was hard to look at her again, though he forced himself to. Her words fell on deaf ears and it took him a moment to register what she had said. Rendezvous site. Yes, they should have moved there with Eljay long ago -- but so much had happened. They likely would have done it around the time that Finley vanished; for that reason alone, he wanted to disagree with her. "Why bother?" he wanted to say, but he bit his tongue. He knew that it would be best for Eljay's delayed development.

"You're right. I don't think they would mind. I'm ready when you are," he agreed, though his tone was flatter than usual.

Fin instantly regretted the fact that she hadn't returned the gesture at all.  Her faint smile had clearly not been enough to make her mate feel any better about their relationship, not that she really thought that it would have.  Truth be told, she didn't have the energy to fix whatever was broken between them.  She didn't have the energy to fix whatever had been broken in their son, either.  And she didn't have the energy to really figure out how to fix either of them.  All she had wanted was to run away from it all, and that had epically failed - proving to her once and for all that she was not meant to escape it.  This was the cross she had to bear for her life - an insatiably needy and dependent son, a crippling inability to satisfy her husband, and a farewell to any sense of freedom she'd ever had forever.

Elwood's tone was flat as he responded, and for a cruel, fleeting second, she summoned the mental image of their first meeting when he'd pretended to be a bear for her.  For a moment, she allowed herself to wonder how they had gotten so far from that point.  Why they were here - nearly strangers forcing emotions  they barely felt when they'd both rather be screaming at each other.  She dropped the issue the second her mind attempted to realize the only logical explanation - the guilt was too overwhelming, and she just didn't have the energy to suffer it right then.

So, emotionlessly, she plowed forward through the conversation.  "Why don't we talk to Peregrine and Fox first, then move forward,"  Fin replied, "Once we have their approval, we can go ahead."

*duct tapes them back together*

She replied, providing a completely reasonable suggestion. The rendezvous site technically belonged to the firebirds, so asking permission made sense. But the Alphas' children would reach adulthood in just a few short weeks and Elwood was confident that moving his little family there would cause no conflict. He nodded his head mechanically, though he felt frustration rising.

It wasn't what Finley said that irritated him -- it was how she said it. She had been nothing short of a robot since her return, and while he had been patient with her at first, it was becoming more and more difficult to deal with. She was a shell of herself, and he couldn't figure out why. It didn't help that she refused to talk about it; she rarely spoke, and when she did, it was on menial topics like this one. Elwood was reaching the breaking point.

He huffed. "Okay," he said, putting the conversation on the rendezvous site to rest. He then looked her full in the face, regarding her sternly. "Do we need to talk? You haven't been yourself, and I don't know what to do to help you," he said, struggling to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

I feel like since this thread is a little outdated, it would throw things off if she admitted anything here.  So how abouts we wrap this up and I'll start us a new one? :D

Fin had hoped he would agree and head inside, let the conversation end with their decision.  He didn't though.  With sudden determination, Elwood fixed her with his gaze and asked one of the questions she had been afraid to try and answer.  Anxiety gripped her heart tightly and she stared back at him like a deer in the headlights, too surprised to even try to hide her scarred face.

She let the question hang in the air between them, not trusting herself to respond.  What could she say?  Anything she said would lead her too close to a truth that would certainly make him leave her, or at least completely break whatever trust and faith he'd ever had in her.  But if she said nothing, wouldn't that accomplish the same thing?

Finley swallowed hard and finally broke his gaze, her eyes trailing down to her paws as she turned her face again.  "I'm too tired right now, love," she said, her voice shaking despite her efforts to keep it calm.

Good thinking! ^_^ I'll archive this one.

There was a hesitation before Finley responded, and it was just enough time to make Elwood doubt his approach. Already, his anger had started to fade -- and her words just soothed the flame even further. He was overreacting, he convinced himself; he had to remember that Finley had been through a lot in her weeks away from the caldera, and it would take time for her to heal both mentally and physically.

Seeming almost to deflate a bit, he nodded his head. "Get some rest," he encouraged her quietly, lowering his head to his paws. He closed his own eyes as though intending to take a nap as well, but his mind swirled with thoughts, keeping him fully aware.