Sleeping Dragon Nothing but space

She felt a lot better following her hunting venture with Chip. Carrying her share of the spoils (I'm only assuming they were successful...), Wildfire returned to Sleeping Dragon. She still avoided her pack mates, heading directly to the cave she shared with @Thuringwethil. The Bandrona couldn't decide whether or not she wanted to talk about her issues with her mate. She didn't want to burden the commander with her silly emotions. But shouldn't she be able to tell her lover anything, ask for her support no matter how petty the issue?

She was still debating internally when she arrived. The bright orange glow of the autumn sunset haloed her as she paused in the doorway, the rabbit dangling from her jaws. She slowly lowered her head to deposit on the ground and stage whispered, "Thur? You home?"

She retired early, feeling an ache in her shoulder. The marks had healed by now and she can’t explain the sudden soreness but she doesn’t linger on it long. Instead, she finds the cave where she’d make herself comfortable and put herself to rest for a little while. She doesn’t get the chance to settle when she notes a change in the air, turning her head as Wildfire speaks her name. Thuringwethil stares for a moment but she does not speak, a soft smile appearing on her features as she turns to her mate.

So, Wifi is dum.

No answer came and between the glare of sunset and the contrasting shadows of the den, Wildfire didn't realize Thuringwethil was simply tucked in the back. She turned from the cave's mouth, leaving the first rabbit there and setting out to nab another. She hoped that by the time she managed to catch one, the commander would be home.

She reappeared perhaps thirty minutes hence, a rat tucked in her mouth. She dropped it beside the stiffened rabbit and peeked her head inside the den this time. The sun had dropped below the horizon now and so she could easily see the Heda curled up back there. "Hey there," Wildfire said affectionately, dragging both her kills inside and settling beside the other woman.

"How was your day?" she queried, still undecided about whether she would bring up her own issues.

Wildfire does not give her a chance to say anything or approach before she turns and disappears again. Thuringwethil stares off into the distance for a moment before she shrugs it off, looks at the rabbit left in the den, but doesn’t move it. Perhaps she’s coming right back and so the woman shifts her weight and lowers to the ground carefully in lieu of her aching shoulder. Taking some of the pressure off seems to help, or at least give her some comfort, and she shifts enough that amplify.

Eventually, her mate returns to the cave with a second kill and her ears cup forward with interest.

“Hey,” she says and shifts to stand but after a half-assed attempt, Thuringwethil remains on the ground. “It was fine. My shoulder is a little sore.”

As Wildfire makes herself comfortable, with both kills brought closer, she looks at one for a moment before she tugs one closer. “You have been busy,” she says with a smile and shifts enough so that she’s a few inches closer to the fiery girl.

"Would you like me to call for Portia?" Wildfire asked immediately, frowning in concern as she inspected the healing scars on her love's shoulder. "I'm sure she could give you something for the pain?" she murmured, somewhat to herself. She wished she could help Thuringwethil herself but medicine had always been Raven's calling, not hers. The best she could do was feed her mate.

Speaking of which, the commander tugged one of the kills closer to herself and Wildfire smiled, happy to see that the pain didn't affect her appetite. Her brows lifted slightly at Thuringwethil's comment and she peered absently out of the den's mouth, wondering if the Heda had read her mind somehow. Then she realized the woman must be referring to her kills and her insides settled somewhat.

"Just trying to prove that I'm the best small game hunter in all the land," she quipped softly. She sank down to her belly, diagonal to Thuringwethil so that they could catch one another's eye. She deliberated for a moment, then decided to at least partially discuss some of the stuff on her mind. "Been trying to stay busy and keep my mind off things I can't really control." The commander would know what she was talking about. She paused. "I've been thinking of asking Dio instead."

Thuringwethil wards off the question, realizing perhaps Wildfire doesn’t understand as much as she’d originally thought. Her head gently shakes in response, as the pain itself isn’t too much to bear but one she must bear regardless of severity. “I will see how it feels in the morning and if it’s no better, I will have her take a look,” she explains, only to reassure the woman that she will be fine. A strain, perhaps, or a cut too deep that the muscle hadn’t had time to fully repair.

“Well, there’s no question in my mind,” she says with a little winkle of her nose as she listens to the rest of what she’s told, picking at the meal she’s been given. She felt terribly for her that Gavriel had turned her down but she hasn’t stomped her way toward the man nor threw her weight around to order him to the task, as it is far more delicate than that.

Thuringwethil nods her head once, though she isn’t entirely sure how to remedy the situation. With Tanja returning, and perhaps more of her own history showing up, she wonderings what options they have. Wildfire has no relationship with the warrior, or any others that are to come, but if they are their children, her say should still matter. Dio, even though a great man, does not come from her home and there’s something that does not settle her stomach.

“Dio is a good man,” she says instead of the vile of selfishness she realizes, deciding it best that she be the one to compromise. “I will need to talk to Gavriel,” she quietly says, more to herself as a note, but still directed at her mate. “He does not understand what we have.”

She chewed the inside of her cheek as Thuringwethil praised Dio, nodding her head a little distractedly. She fully bit her lip when the commander mentioned talking to Gavriel. Wildfire's lips parted, though she let the other she-wolf finish and then paused for a moment before voicing her own thoughts on the matter.

"We knew that might happen. Of course it can't hurt to talk to him but..." She shifted a little uncomfortably, looking down at the dead game between them, having not taken a single bite herself. "Even if he comes around to the idea of us, I won't—I can't—ask him again," Wildfire said softly, recoiling at the mere thought. It would feel demeaning to the both of them, trying to convince him to do something so incredibly intimate with her. Not to mention the Bandrona's secret baggage...

"So," she added after a beat, exhaling louder than she meant, "I think Dio's our best bet. But is there anyone else you have in mind? I would've liked to know the man who'll father our children... but I would rather have them than not, you know?" Wildfire asked, feeling herself getting antsy and emotional. Hell, her eyes even started to feel watery.

“I will not force him to do something he does not want to do but I should talk to him to see if I can change his view,” she explains. If Gavriel disapproves, and Tanja too, she isn’t sure what to do. She still doesn’t think it’s the wrong decision, perhaps a little sudden, but the longer she waited, the more of a shock it would come and they still had time and planning for children—if it is to work in their favor—and Thuringwethil knows she has to be ready. Which leaves her to question, is she?

Instead, she nods her head a little again.

“I do not think there is anyone that is suitable that will say yes. Tanja… isn’t as accepting either and you have not met him,” she pauses, looking down at the kill between her paws to realize her appetite has waned. The other men in Sleeping Dragon does not really meet her standard and thinking beyond her claim doesn’t even come to mind as an option. “Do you want me to talk to Dio?”

Her lips pressed together and she opted not to say anything else on the subject of Gavriel. Even if he came around to it, Wildfire didn't want a... Pity fuck, she thought, surprised at herself for even thinking something so foul. It wasn't just that, either. She wanted the father of their children to be ready, willing and enthusiastic. The idea of trying to convince someone to impregnate her made her feel ill at her core. She'd had sex forced upon her once against her will and she had no desire to do it to someone else in any way, shape or form. The possibility that nobody might fit that bill—being totally on-board with the donor role—made her insides clench.

Thuringwethil offered to approach Dio and although Wildfire sort of wanted to take her up on the out, she shook her head lightly. "I should be the one to ask. Although, we could ask together," she added with a faint smile. "And I can get to know Tanja too. Not just for the sake of putting him in the running," she amended with a slight grimace, "but because I ought to know him regardless." She paused there, fighting against a sigh that escaped her anyway. She lapsed into silence, feeling another wave of strong emotions overcoming her.

She faced the cave mouth for a few minutes, then turned back to slowly confess, "I can feel it coming, Thur. I guess the hormones? It won't be long now. I..." Wildfire almost brought up her jealousy issues but instead she said, "I'm afraid the time will come and we won't have anybody. I understand that it's a b-big favor," she continued, her voice cracking, "but I just... I just want a family, with you." Is that so much to ask? she almost added. But, well... yes, it was.

"Why," she blurted suddenly and without any preamble whatsoever, "did he say yes to Gyda but not to me?" It seemed her jealousy issues would bring up themselves then. Wildfire felt a flush of heat that was equal parts envy, bitterness and embarrassment at her own ejaculation (lol).

Thuringwethil frowns as Wildfire expresses her anxieties and expectations. In a way, it is something she doesn’t necessarily have to worry about. Her own season had come through and she’d managed for the few short days without the aid of a medic to help suppress it or the need of anyone else to ward of any advances. She shuffles a little closer, or tries to without much awkwardness and probably with little success, and touches her nose to her cheek.

“It will not be the end of the world,” she confirms with a nod. Even while things are happening so quickly, perhaps it would be better. However, Wildfire’s determination shows through brighter than her own reservations and Thuringwethil tries to give her reason. “And there is always plenty of time if it does not happen now.”

She does not get a chance to say anything else as Wildfire’s next question hits her, putting a frown upon her face. There are many reasons Gavriel had likely says yes to Gyda than her and while none of them are necessarily confirmed, she can’t help but try to smooth it over. “Because I am not meant to have a family. He is doing what he thinks is right. We are accepted because there are fewer of my own wolves here than those we have brought into our claim. They do not understand what it means to… feel like their leader is not doing what they should or shouldn’t be doing.”

Thuringwethil pauses and looks down and nudges the kill away from her.

"It is not you he rejects, Wildfire, it's me."

The idea of missing a chance and waiting for another did not sit well with Wildfire—it made her ache all over, actually—but she didn't say anything. She pressed her tongue to the roof of her mouth as Thuringwethil calmly tried to explain that Gavriel's rejection was more about her than Wildfire. That didn't make her feel much better. The commander was the commander. If she wanted to have a family or change all the rules, that was her prerogative. Regardless of the pack's subculture, there were baser instincts at play here. She was the Alpha and it was her right to breed, even if it was done via unconventional measures. Nobody should get to deny the Heda that.

Wildfire felt her flesh prickling with heat the more she thought about it. Then her mind switched gears slightly, thinking back to her mention of Gyda. She had been considered an equal to Thuringwethil once. But she wasn't now. She had voluntarily given up her throne. She had faded into the background of pack life until recently. Now she was back. Was she going to resume her place at the helm? Wildfire's hackles actually visibly rose at the thought. There was Freyja to consider now too. She was making a naked grab for power and though the Bandrona knew the girl would make an absolutely brilliant leader, all of it was snowballing to make Wildfire feel like she was unworthy and losing her footing, her chance at motherhood. She rankled with insecurity.

"You are the Heda, the Alpha," she said, unable to stop the tears from brimming and spilling down her cheeks. They were more angry than sad. And I should be your partner, she thought wildly but was able to bite her tongue on that for the moment. "It should be an honor to help us bear children. You deserve them more than Gyda, more than me, more than anyone..." She hiccuped and fell quiet, realizing she might have inadvertently offended Thuringwethil and looking up at her, expression falling into one of subdued apology.

Thuringwethil can’t help the sigh that slips from her muzzle, silver eyes dropping to the cool cave floor. The heaviness of her having a family doesn’t register with her mate and there is a part of her that knows she can’t fault her for she did not grow up in Seageda. She didn’t see the harshness their society puts upon one another to ensure their prosperity. She looks up a beat later once Wildfire’s frustration has fallen silent, her head shaking while she struggles to find the words.

“It is not the same,” she tells her with a bit of a frown on her features, “the Heda isn’t an Alpha. The Heda is their leader and the one responsible for all of them. They belong to their people and we are taught—” she pauses as she goes against everything she’s about to explain and reliving the feelings her own wolves are likely going through. “We are taught that a mate and children are weapons for an enemy. That it puts everyone in danger. You, the children, the pack, me.”

Hearing Thuringwethil lay it out like that—refuting that she was the Alpha, verbatim—did not settle well with Wildfire. It went against her most deeply ingrained, wildest instincts. She didn't dare mention this aloud, though, and who was she to argue for orthodoxy when her own relationship was anything but traditional? Still, she felt suddenly very discomfited. She felt like she didn't properly understand the culture, even after all this time and immersion. The commander's next few words didn't do anything to reassure her.

Wildfire experienced a flare of indignation. Why had Thuringwethil taken her as her mate when she still wasn't entirely comfortable with it? Why were they pursuing children if this was how the Heda truly felt? The Bandrona felt a little sick. She pressed her tongue to the roof of her mouth not only to stave off the sudden nausea but to prevent herself from voicing any of these thoughts aloud. What if she spoke up and Thuringwethil broke it off with her? That would be horribly painful by itself but then her dreams of children would be dead in the water too.

Still, despite herself, she couldn't help but ask. She managed to at least reign in her emotions enough to keep her voice calm and steady, although her heart and stomach both flip-flopped in fear of the honest answer she might receive. "But do you want this? Me? Children?" She swallowed thickly. "Even though we could be 'weapons for an enemy'...?"

What she’s said does not register right away and as the emotions flicker across Wildfire’s face, she feels her own distort in confusion. Thuringwethil opens her mouth to speak but her jaws snap shut and she resists a cringe. Before she’s given the question, she knows what’s coming as the dust finally settles in her mind. Her slate-grey eyes drop to the ground, ears folding back against her head as she tries to find the right words. Words that might not get her in trouble.

“It is different here than it was in Seageda, we know a lot of war,” she begins, though for the better or worse, she isn’t entirely sure, and while she has said it time and again, she still stands by it. “I want you and I want you to be happy. I—” Her words catch in her throat. Thuringwethil is quiet then, maybe for a few seconds too long, if only to drown in her own thoughts. They may not have a threat to be worried about now but that doesn’t mean it won’t change.

“It is not easy for me but I am trying. I am changing things for you that have… been in place for generations.” Is that not enough?

The commander looked nonplussed and Wildfire felt a jab of guilt. She knew it wasn't easy and that Thuringwethil came from a very different culture entrenched in heavy traditions. Some of them seemed to have very little bearing on the way of life in the Teekon Wilds, yet that made them no less significant. Wildfire let out a shaky breath, then drew in another as she tried to steady herself. That the Heda wanted her, wanted her happy, was all the answer she needed.

Still, the Bandrona wasn't perfect and she couldn't overrule her emotions entirely. Her mouth opened to try to explain as much but what popped out instead was an apology. "I'm sorry, Thur. I'm just... struggling with all of this." She rolled a shoulder in what was supposed to be an offhanded shrug even as she felt a lump form in her throat. She felt a strong urge to cry but swallowed it, clinging to the commander's confused but genuine words of reassurance.

"I need to clear my head," she announced a moment later, rising slowly. She paused, then pressed her nose to Thuringwethil's cheek. "I'm going to get us some more food. I'll be back soon, I promise." Wildfire moved to the den's entrance, then stopped and looked backward. "I love you. We'll... figure it out." She managed a small and apologetic smile before ducking out into the waiting darkness.