Firefly Ravine clap if you've got a ticket to the end of the world

throwback thread titleeee. tag for reference
set during Elysium's arrival to Hushed Willows

He never will get to see the beauty of the place Lily found — it strikes him as sad, but he knows he can't turn back now. If he turns back, he'll never find what he needs; he'll never change. And that's what he needs right now, more than anything, even though he's never wanted it less — he needs to change everything. He can't keep going the way he's been, half-alive, an elusive corpse treading the territory and only resurfacing to cause some new hurt. Even this fresh start is not enough.
Or, maybe it is enough — but he is not. He needs time, he needs space, he needs to be somewhere away from anyone he can hurt. Especially @Delight — his beautiful fragile boy, his silver-eyed lover who will always hold such a large piece of his heart. He tries not to think about their conversation, about what he's doing to him (now of all times, his mind adds helpfully), because he knows if he stays he will do much, much worse. It is in his nature, and perhaps that will never change. But he has to try, and maybe... maybe his promise to return will be one he can keep. And he knows that even if it is not, Delight is in good hands with Seabreeze and Olive; maybe he's even better off.
He lingers near to where he'd last seen the pack, still at a distance. Some part of him half-hopes to see a packmate, to be convinced to stay; it would be so easy to fall back into his habits, wouldn't it? Funny, how hard it is to walk away now, when he's done it so many times before. He turns away, picking a random direction — he'll walk until he can't anymore, until every bit of him wears away and crumbles to dust.
And maybe from this, he can make something new of himself.

Korei Julia had been taking a little rest when she startled. A nightmare, of the time with the cougar. No one had been there for her, and for a moment she thought it real when she saw Alarian was not there. She stood up, shaking a bit and then tracked down his scent. Should she get the others? Was he in trouble?

Korei paused when he came into her sight. "Alarian?" Her voice quivered as it came out, she was afraid. She was scared. "Alarian, are...where are you going?"

He doesn't notice Korei's approach until he hears her voice, and it startles him. His fur fluffs out a bit and he turns sharply, but his expression softens when he registers that it's her. Korei, He says, voice thick and heavy with guilt. Um... Fuck. He can't — what is he supposed to say? What can he say?
I'm leaving, He tells her after a long pause, ears pinning back slightly. I-I have to. I can't stay here — I just keep hurting my friends. My family. Delight. Eris is — she's dead, and Zamael is gone, and no one here needs me. I only bring chaos. So I'm... He swallows and takes a breath; why is it so hard to say it? I'm going to go for awhile. Find myself. Maybe I'll — maybe I'll be back eventually. When I can trust myself — if I ever can.

Korei jumped at how quick he turned, ans she let out a low whine hearing his answer. Leaving? Leaving them? She waited until he got it all out, and it brought tears to her eyes. Eris dead, Zam was gone. She murmured something under her breath, her eyes wet with tears, too quiet that even she barely heard herself. Her teary eyed gaze upon him, Korei's breath caught in her throat when she tried to repeat herself.

There's silence for a moment — and then he registers the faint whine, and his heart crumbles. His throat feels thick and hot, and for several moments he can't say anything. All he can do is watch her try to speak, hearing the faintest whisper but unable to make out exactly what she's saying. His chest tightens, and for a moment he considers taking it back — how could he even imagine leaving her, leaving any of them?
But most of all Korei. She's always relied on him so much, even when he pushed her away. Even when he ignored her for months, when he met her with agitation and hostility, when he neglected the promise he'd made to her so long ago. It's been almost a year now, hasn't it? Somewhere around there, he's sure. But then he remembers Zamael's face, twisted in pain caused by his actions — Delight's, so oddly shut-down — Ulf's, torn by an unmistakable emotion the last time he'd seen him.
I'm sorry, He murmurs brokenly; he can't even bring himself to wonder what it is she's trying to say. It can't be anything good.

Korei finally got the words out. Mustering strength she had brought to herself over all this time since meeting Alarian. "I need you" she said, her voice shaking. "Alarian, I need you...you were always there for me, you always protected me. Who will protect me without you?" She asked, daring a step forth. 

She whined again, thinking of a world without him. Who would protect her fragile nature, where anyone could just shatter her with a single word even? Korei didn't want to be left alone.

Oh.

Oh. His breath catches, and the guilt is suddenly overwhelming. He can't think of anything to say, and for a moment he considers just turning and running. He's done worse, by now — he's hurt everyone around him in ways far more harsh. What would it be but another drop in the pond?
But he doesn't run. He takes another deep, shaking breath and steadies himself, looking away from her for a beat. When his gaze returns to her, it's a little more dull than it'd been before. I don't want to leave you, He says finally. But I can't stay here. I can't keep hurting everyone.

Korei stood her ground, but her bravery and courage was already beginning to wane. Perhaps it was out of fear that she said what was to come next. Or blind courage. Or just from her attachment to Alarian, from how much they had both been through for so long now. 

"Take me with you." She let the words just flow right out, roll right off the tongue. It may seem out of nowhere, but they carried so much meaning to them. Korei had already trusted her life to him, and considered him still to be her protector. "Don't...don't leave me. Not...not like..." She wanted to say Lennon, but the scars that would open were too great on her.

It's a request he doesn't expect — sweet, innocent Korei, who needs protection like all wolves need air to live, who could never last on her own. She wants to leave. With him. It's a strange feeling, bittersweet and beautiful and aching — to know she loves him so much she'd follow him blindly into the unknown, even knowing all that he does and all that he is. Even knowing him to be a liar, a coward, a selfish wrecking ball of emotion — a murderer, too, on top of it all.
Alright, He almost chokes on the word, registering belatedly the name hanging unspoken at the end of her sentence. Like Lennon. No — no, he is not Lennon. He won't be Lennon. Alright. I — are you sure, Korei? Are you really sure? His eyes feel hot and swollen, but no tears come; they haven't come for awhile, now.

Korei nodded, even though she knew what it all meant for her to do. She would leave behind all of them, go with Alarian to a place unknown to either of them. It would bring them back to square one. They would have to go through all the pain and hardships again, without the help of a third. But she was determined they could. 

"Yes...I am" She went up and put her head under his chin, a sign of assurance. To show she was absolutely sure, and that he would not be leaving. She felt protected there, safe.

She only confirms her decision — and who is he to tell her no? If he's totally honest with himself, he's relieved; he's spent so long surrounded by others, part of him has forgotten how to be truly alone. And maybe it's a bad idea to feed such a dependency — maybe he ought to tell her no and seek his own path, as he'd meant to before. But Alarian has never been good at knowing what is good for him, and Korei needs him — and there is no stronger drug than the feeling of being needed.
He releases a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding when Korei tucks her head under his chin, relaxing slightly into the touch. For all their past missteps, and for all the pain they've endured together, there is still something comforting about the girl's presence. He thinks maybe in another life, he wouldn't have broken up with her at all; he'd have been able to do what he should have done, what everyone probably expected of him. But this is the life they have — and right now, all he needs is the knowledge that she's here, with him. It's more than he could have hoped for.