Hushed Willows but my love is like a dark cloud full of rain thats always right there up above you

brilliance and solomon's miraculous return to them has eased some of the burden on delight's back. but there are still things lingering -- alarian's departure and their breakup, his guilt in allowing his daughters to slip away in the first place, queenie like a specter, threatening to burst through the tidy walls of his heart at any moment. his anger has thawed from their time spent searching -- he cannot trust her but he can admit that he still loves her in whatever way he has loved her before. he knows her, though, and knows that her return would  not be a happy reunion -- she wants her children, and he will not give her that,  not now. not yet, at least.

this is the third -- no, fourth! time delight has found himself starting over. the hushed willows are beautiful and full of promise. delight does not trust promise anymore; every fresh start he has managed to burn to the ground lingers in his mind, ghosts of failed attempts at reinvention. and what a history! he has been remiss in his duties. he has been remiss as a person.

he has not had the chance to speak to @Seabreeze since his return, and it is she who he seeks out now. to apologize, of course, and to -- to see his friend, now that they aren't under threat of death and surrounded by cats and chaos. there are so many things he wants to say (and needs to say) but -- well. we'll see how gracious she is feeling towards him these days.

In some way, Delight had always been her first love.  She loved him before she loved Mato and she loved him when they'd been apart.  Now that they shared the same space again, Delight had settled back into her heart.

She had been worried when he disappeared.  She'd promised him they wouldn't separate again... but it turns out that they hadn't.  Still, she wondered if he was truthfully okay.  His child was back and his partner is gone.  She still cannot believe that Alarian just up and left — but honestly, she's not too surprised by it either.  He'd always seemed like a bomb waiting to go off and the ugly truth of it was that she was glad it would be somewhere else instead of here.

She's not difficult to find.  There is much work to be done, but the most important is that they get their borders marked.  

he does worry that he places a burden on seabreeze with his own anguishes -- of course she is a therapist and that is her job, but she is also his friend. and he is a worrier. now, though, he does not bother with pretense, calling softly "seabreeze," as he makes his way toward her. should she allow he moves to embrace her, burying his face in the soft fur of her neck and breathing in her scent. his thoughts are a jumbled mess as he pulls back. 

"i'm sorry," he says first, because it is the easiest to get the shape of, "for vanishing like that." delight has already apologised to lily but he knows he placed seabreeze in a particularly difficult position, having to step up while he was ill and then orchestrate the departure -- and then with alarian also leaving... 

which is another thing. maybe not the most important one right now.

"i," he starts, sighs, and shakes his head. "how are you? how have you been?" delight asks instead, reaching to nose her shoulder gently. she does not need to be told all of his woes -- they're public knowledge anyway -- but he knows little of what she has been up to or how she is handling her duties, if she needs his help at all.

Seabreeze had done this thing where she kept her space until Delight decided to come to her himself, but now that he had sought her out she couldn't contain herself.  Delight! she cries as he buries himself in her fur, and a soft whine escapes from her as she melts into his embrace.  

You're home now, and that's all that matters.  As longg as he was here, he was safe — any mental trauma sustained while he'd been out could surely be worked upon with time.

I'm.. okay.  It's beautiful here.  I appointed Lily to stand in beside me, now that Alarian is gone.  Truthfully everything kind of sucked, but well, she'd get over it.

a surprised laugh escapes him, a tiny, joyous sound, stolen unexpectedly. it hurts his chest in a way he does not yet mind, grateful she does not reproach him. he accepts her answers, pulling back to give her a slightly suspicious glance. none of those are feelings, seabreeze (though who is he to judge). but, oh, "that's smart," delight says, "appointing lily, i mean. she's... good." good can mean: stuck around through delight and queenie's gate-crashing, through her and alarian's various disputes, through delight's utter uselessness. it can also mean: she has been kind to him and that is really all he needs to know. he thinks having her in leadership is -- well, long overdue, frankly.

and speaking of long overdue things. "about that, though," the androgyne starts, his expression pinching anxiously. "i haven't been -- a leader for a while, have i?" in name but not in duty, between being bedbound, running off, and generally not doing much besides keeping alarian's bedside warm. oh, he could be kinder to himself to be sure, but delight had not even wanted to be in charge of the sanctuary to begin with. he'd just ... felt that he had to, for alarian's sake. 

so much for that now.

wincing, delight pulls back fully -- as much as he'd rather mumble into her neck she deserves to see his stupid rotten face when he talks. "i think maybe i'm better off stepping down, with your permission," he mumbles anyway, his gaze dropping to her feet as he braces for -- something. if not anger, disappointment, reluctant acceptance, a hidden flash of resentment he can worry over like a bone for weeks.

She was glad he approved of her decision to appoint Lily.  It still felt weird to be doing this whole "calling the shots" thing; she'd never envisioned herself to be any kind of leader.  She wasn't the kind of person that others should look up to, and she had about the same amount of compsure in her as a worm.  But with the hand she'd been dealt, she thought at least she was doing a mediocre job.  Good, even, if she could dare to call it that!

His next words cause the panic to burst from her chest, and she can't help the way it reflects in her eyes.  Oh god, she thinks, what have I done?  But quickly she brushes it over, because apparently that's what she's good at.  Hiding.

Of course, she says.  He's been through more than enough to warrant it. Can I still ask for advice when I need it?  I don't know if I'm cut out for this whole, you know, leadership thing.

he is sharp enough to catch that momentary flash of panic. but it is brief and he decides that he is selfish enough to not tug that thread, even if he can't help the way his own eyes crinkle in question in response. he is selfish but also it is -- inscrutable, he has never been any good at this leadership thing, and her next question makes him laugh, still on that very thought. "i've never been either and that hasn't stopped me," delight says wryly, wearing a well-worn smile, "but -- yeah, of course. i'm here for you, i promise." and how could he not be, after everything she'd done for him? she'd nursed him on his death bed, for god's sake.

tilting his head slightly, he adds thoughtfully, "and you've been doing really well, seabreeze. you got us out of the sanctuary when things went bad, you kept things together when i was sick -- i, um. i always thought that you should've been leading tindómë, not me, actually, so as far as i'm concerned, we're righting a historical wrong, here." really, truthfully, though out loud he would never say this, seabreeze is everything delight wishes he was. soft and beautiful, the girl who got his first prince, well deserved -- the girl who should have been king, only then delight went and threw a wrench into the whole narrative, and she became scorned while he reaped her rightful rewards. she is wife and mother, and oh those words fill him with a strange sort of longing he's still trying to figure out, confused by his feelings for queenie and his distress at kaali's judgement. now, here, in this new and beautiful place, if nothing else, he can return things to the order they should be in.

She didn't know he had always thought of her so highly, and she visibly staggered beneath the weight of his assertations.  They were wrong, of course — she had been in no place to run Tindome, and maybe Mato hadn't either.  They were all so young.  They had done the best they could.  She could fault Mato no longer — in time, perhaps she wouldn't fault Terance.  She righted the way her ears faltered to the sides, eyes skirting to the trees.  I hope you're right.  Now that Alarian and Korei are gone, we have even less able-bodied wolves than before.  I'm worried about it... but we are doing everything we can. If they could find some hunters, that would be ideal... but for now, this would do.

I always thought you deserved it all, she tacks on softly, returning to the previous thought that she's now comfortable enough to examine.  What use is a girl who can't even remember where she came from, or who she is?  You were always so.. eloquent and graceful and quiet.  All things that she didn't percieve herself to be.

he wants to reassure her, so badly, in his own limited, failing way. he reaches out to press his nose against her cheek, briefly, quietly. guilt gnaws at him for leaving the burden to her and lily, but he knows its for the best. right now delight is in no position to offer aid as a leader -- but he can, maybe, be supportive as a friend.

her comment wins a wry smile and a tiny shake of his head. "what good is a boy who doesn't want to be one," delight says before he can help himself, and feeling heat rush his cheeks, presses on quickly, "i can remember my past but i don't think i've ever learned much from it. --maybe it's fair to say we've both overcome things," he muses, "though i still think you handle yourself with..more grace than i." he offers a shy smile, hoping there is no jealousy in his words, only affection.