Sun Mote Copse Jabberjay

@Eljay 

In the past few days Wraen had scouted areas that surrounded the copse, following tracks of the big game, which had grown scarce lately. Rutting season usually took place around this time and filled the forests with the pungent smell of the deer cows in heat and the sound of the roars and fights of the bulls. Now the forests - save for few birds and small game - were unusually quiet and deserted. Now and then she would stumble upon fresh paths or see a lone animal fleeing in the distance, but on the whole things did not look positive at all. 

This was not good at all. Kids were nearly adults now, their appetites had grown as well and, when they should have been learning the craft of group hunting, the source had been removed. She had refrained for making the copse wolves move from their home, when the first tremors had begun to shake the Earth. Now she wondered, if she should have taken an early warning and ran with the herds. They were not the most intelligent sticks in the drawer, but they had a good knack of sensing danger miles of. They did not like to take any chances and Wraen wished that she should have done the same.

Concerned and deep in thought she had returned to the copse and after making sure that all was well with the family, she sought out a place to contemplate matters in solitude.

Wraen wasn't the only one who'd noticed. Eljay wasn't very good at small hunting but he had always been decent enough at hunting large prey. This was his expertise when it came to hunting and being in charge of the children in the pack and teaching them to hunt for some years it worried him greatly that there wasn't any big prey to hunt for. Once more he was left feeling incompetent even though it all felt very much beyond his control. He should've been able to do something about this, somehow...

Just as he rounded a corner in a path through the Copse, leading up to a small clearing, Eljay saw Wraen there. He chuffed to greet her and smiled meekly as he approached. He wasn't in a smiling mood, and it was easy to tell. Any luck? he asked, though he could guess what her answer would be.

"I wish I could tell you that I have," Wraen replied, turning to meet Eljay's gaze and seeing the same troubles had clouded his face. "But the large game seems to have left the area and I am trying to decide, whether we should get on the move now in the hopes that we catch up with them," what were the chances really? And how far could they get with children in tow, who were not used to long treks that required patience and endurance. 

"We will have to see, what is left here to trap," she said, not actually expecting Eljay to contribute to this line of thought, but feeling that she needed someone to listen, while she thought aloud. "Beavers, procupines, grouse, marmots. Any and all small thing we can get," it was a comforting list, yet she had a first hand experience in, what happened, when a pack exhausted resources. If the game did not return, they would metaphorically strip the earth bare.

The news was bad, just as he feared. Eljay's expression fell, even though he had expected this. He was reminded much of when mommy was gone for some time -- when he had barely eaten, himself, because there wasn't much food -- except now there was even less choice involved, and now weather was getting colder rather than being in the heat of summer. It was looking to be a grim winter ahead, Eljay thought to himself, and he told himself he would make sure that Weejay and Elfie would survive it, at the very least. No matter what it would cost him.

We should stay, Eljay said. Why would it be different somewhere else? We have no guarantee that we'll have prey elsewhere. Who knew, it might be exactly like this everywhere else, too.

Eljay nodded as Wraen mentioned trapping smaller prey. Not exactly Eljay's forte... He had always been a lot better at large game hunts than trying to find small prey. Yeah, let's focus on the smaller game. It's not my strongest suit... But I'll -- I'll try my very best. It seemed like meagre offerings to Eljay, but he couldn't offer more than his best and it was unfortunate that that just wasn't very good right now. Even moreso in the circumstances they were in.

Eljay saw the trees, but did not have the scope of the whole forest. Wraen appreciated his input, did not agree with him, but made the wise decision not argue about the matter. It was pointless to attempt to convince him now, when they were still able to go by, what their forest and surrounding areas could offer. The Sovereign knew that should the circumstances change, her packmate would not be opposed to leaving. He would be a fool not to realize that sitting and waiting for things to miraculously change for the better was suicidal. 

"You will have plenty of opportunities to practice now," Wraen told him, recalling a favourite saying of Sarah's: hunger was the best motivator and teacher. Now that this was settled, she had to plan her next careful move on the chess-board against Eljay. Asking him, if he would be interested to scout the valley for food sources, did not seem like a good idea. "How is Weejay doing?" she finally asked, because just the same it was with Sugar Glider, she knew very little about the reserved young girl of Eljay's.

Eljay's face didn't change when Wraen said he'd have plenty of opportunities to practise: now wasn't the time for practise, now was the time for efficiency. He needed to feed his family, not get better at a skill he'd tried loads but had never mastered at all. It wasn't a very good time for a bloke with his particular skillset with a family to raise. They were a pack, sure, but Eljay wished that he could contribute more.

Alright, I think, Eljay said, glad to latch onto the subject of Weejay instead. It made him feel a little bit like a failure to think of Weejay, but at least not as big a failure as thinking of Elfie. It's not always easy to tell what she's feeling. She's very sweet, though, and seems to be doing well, all things considered. Eljay realised she might not be showing exactly what she felt like though, but how was he going to find out? She's growing up so fast. They both were -- Elfie even faster, perhaps, as he had always been so headstrong, confident and self-sufficient, but Eljay pushed thoughts of his son aside for now to focus on his lovely daughter. That was the question, after all.

Weejay was apple of her father's eye and less troublesome than Elfie had been. Though, what he said about her nature, made Wraen alert. People hiding their feelings was nothing new, but as a Sovereign she felt it was her duty to tend for each of her packmates, get to know, what they were like, and sense, when they needed help or support. She made a mental note to approach Weejay soon.

"Yeah, it is amazing to think, what a big leap children make in their first year of life. From a little, blind and deaf bundle of fur to a fully-grown adult. The rest of the life seems kind of small compared to this one year," she mused and smiled at Eljay sincerely. Wraen wondered, if she could ask him, whether there were a big difference between having one's own children or caring for those of other's, but opted not to ask it. Not everything had gone smoothly for the man.

Wraen latched onto how fast Weejay had grown which made it easier for Eljay to tuck away his worry for now. He nodded at her comment and her musings. It was strange indeed how that first year meant so much and then you were just kinda stuck with all the things that had shaped you the first year. It was kind of interesting, but mostly very haunting -- considering the tough first months his children had had -- to think about.

Yeah... Kinda weird to think about. Eljay was silent for a few seconds as he contemplated. .. I hope they'll turn out alright, even though... Losing one's mother at such a young age seemed an immeasurable hurdle to Eljay. He just hoped that Weejay and Elfie would be okay despite it.

"From what I have seen of Elfie - he will turn out alright for sure," Wraen shared her views of one rascal she had spent quite a lot of time together. "He is everything that coming of age wolves are supposed to be - eager, over-confident and consider that they know everything," she teased the absent person of interest in good humour. 

"Looking back, I think I was the more or less the same, when I was his age," she reminisced and, since Me hasn't had enough in praising her own characters, Wraen added. "He has a chance to go far in life. Achieve great things with the help of proper guidance."

"It has not been easy with him for you, has it?" she asked, knowing that the relationship between the father and son was not simple, but having heard only one side of the story, she wished to know, how Eljay felt about this as well. She had made already a good guess of, what would he say.

Eljay supposed that Wraen was right, but sometimes it was exactly that which worried Eljay about Elfie. Almost as if the pain must be hiding somewhere inside. Or perhaps he really had been too young to get an immense blow from losing his mother. Perhaps he'd been just young enough. Eljay was not so sure, but it was hard at times, not being able to see his own grief reflected in his childrens' eyes.

And Eljay wasn't too sure he wanted Elfie to achieve great things. Great things sounded dangerous to him. I don't know if I want him to achieve great things, Eljay admitted eventually, sounding reluctant. Eljay never liked arguments, and he certainly hoped he wasn't getting into any here. I just want him to be happy. And it always seemed that whenever he was near, Elfie wasn't too happy. Maybe achieving great things would make him happy... But Eljay just wanted to protect Elfie against the terrors of the world. He really just wanted his boy to make it out alright. Perhaps it was that he was doing so well that was the most bothersome, though. Eljay wasn't too sure.

Wraen asked if it hadn't been easy for Eljay, and he looked taken aback. Eljay didn't like talking about this very much, because he was so ashamed of how poorly he was doing as a father. I just don't know what to do to make him -- Eljay faltered there, because every word he thought of to put there was too painful to say. I just wish he respected me, or loved me, I guess. I just wish that... Eljay frowned as he realised the truth of his troubles: .. that my love was enough for him. He gritted his teeth, because the truth was a painful beast indeed.

Wraen had hit a tender subject, she had known this already, when she had asked. But hearing Eljay admit his doubts and failures in his own words, helped her to better understand, what was plaguing his mind. She already had made a good sketch of, what kind of person her packmate was, but hearing him talk about very personal matters enabled her to add colours and shading to the image. Make it more real and less based on assumptions.

"I do not think that it is your decision to make," Wraen told him. "What he should or should not do with his life," she elaborated, in case Eljay had misunderstood, what she was referring to. "And maybe in your quest to make him happy... you projected on him ideas, what you thought would make him happy, but that were not necessarily his." In other words Elfie's father had lavished his son in, what he did not want, and frowned at everything that the boy had enjoyed. 

"Why do you think that your love was not enough for him?" she asked next, wishing to dig deeper, because - to be honest - this conversation was not about Elfie, but about Eljay's own insecurities that had poisoned much of his life and had extended to his children's.

They were harsh words coming from Wraen. Not intended that way, likely so, but they hit Eljay hard nonetheless. He looked away as he tried to process them and grew silent, feeling less and less like continuing the conversation the deeper it got. Of course he projected his own thoughts of what would make Elfie happy and what would make him healthy. He was the father, he was supposed to keep his child safe and make sure that he was happy. And it felt to Eljay that all the things Elfie wanted were dangerous things that he should be protected from. It would be a lot easier if Elfie didn't like dangerous things so much. He was a lot like mommy in that sense, Eljay felt, and he'd worried all his life for his mother's safety, too. Despite all that experience he wasn't quite prepared to do it as a father all over again.

The thought that he might be ruining Elfie's life in the process was too much for the father to bear. He chewed his lip as he thought of it, and Wraen's next question came too soon for him to have fully processed the things she had said before then.

The question made no sense to him because she had just established that he was not doing the right things for Elfie already, confirming that he was failing as a parent. And now she asked him why he thought his love was not good enough? Eljay felt ridiculed and mocked, and moreover, humiliated by the question itself. Eljay didn't know how to respond at all, and at first he remained silent still. Eventually he said, Because I don't want him to do the things he likes the most because they're dangerous, and he hates me. Eljay still looked away, because the only way he could say the words was by pretending that he wasn't saying them to another person, in response to a real question.

Wraen had not intended to insult Eljay, but was not surprised to see him hurt by her words. She had mixed feelings about this, because he was her packmate, he had treated her as a good friend during the many months of their acquaintance and in the face of all that he had suffered, it was unfair to do it more. Kicking someone, who was already on the ground did not feel nice and nagged at her conscience. She recalled Wildfire's advice on being "very, very, very patient with Eljay" and she had given an honest try, which had got her nowhere. Her cousin's mate was just as insecure as he had been and still thought that the full weight of the world on his shoulders was his alone to bear. 

Now would have been a good moment to apologize and make sincere amends. To tell Eljay that he was a good and caring father, who adored his kids and had loved them as much as he could. That his only failure was the belief that he could change, who people were. Yet... just as the world outside was neither safe, nor joyous, Wraen thought that Eljay should face the truth in its real colours and not the one's he wanted them to be. Another kick it would be then. "When I spoke to Elfie, he never once said that he hated you. I saw a boy, who strived for appreciation from his father with the means he had," she told him.  

"Love is not fair," she told him. "Neither is it easy, simple or straightforward," she paused and then went on. "It is about compromise too. You are two very different people, you can't change each other, but you can meet half-way. Let Elfie take his chances in his life and he may be more inclined to listen to your advice. Don't restrict him - you see, what happens, when you try. And he will sooner learn from his own mistakes that you were right in the first place."

It had become clear to Eljay that love was unfair. He looked at the ground, feeling down in the dumps about what Wraen had said before, and he frowned thoughtfully as he tried to place everything that she said. But it was hard: he had always accepted everyone for who they were, even though it worried him that mom would go off on her adventures or it hurt him that Towhee would look at him with the sharp eagle eyes she had, knowing that she thought him pathetic and weak. But his children — they were not just wolves who had come into his life or who were there all along, such as his mother, Towhee or Wraen; they were wolves that he had created, and they were wolves that he should help raise and build up. That he should help find their place in this world. That he should keep safe.

And he felt he had felt at all of those things. Wraen said that Elfie didn't hate him; that he just wanted to be appreciated and that they needed to compromise. But it felt to Eljay as if that wasn't possible at all. It felt like they would never see eye to eye. Perhaps because so much of Elfie reminded him of Towhee in some ways; the way he would look at Eljay, seeing that pathetic loser that he saw reflected in Towhee's eyes, too.

Eljay looked away and frowned. I guess you're right about that, he said, deciding against speaking about the impossibility of the task. He knew it would only make her think of him negatively, because he should be more positive about things and he should want to try. But he was so tired, and he just didn't know where to search for the energy to try anymore. He was trying his best to hold everything together, but most days it felt as if that just wasn't enough.

Eljay was very tired, Wraen saw this and felt a wave of guilt and sympathy for her packmate. She wished that it was possible to see, what he was thinking, to better understand, what was truly going on inside his head and if there was any way to help him. It was often that she wished for life to be a little simpler than it was. More black and white like in the fairy tales would make it so much easier than the everlasting swim through the shades of grey. 

She had told him all that she had wished to say and remained silent, deciding that the best way was to leave Eljay to his own devices. So that he could figure things out himself. It was only then, when she caught sight of a small roe deer in the distance, that she nudged him gently and silently invited for a hunt.

Last one from me! Thank you for the thread!

Eljay stayed inside of his mind, not sure what he should say or do. They walked in silence for a while, Eljay completely forgotten about what they were doing, only mulling thoughts and scenarios over in his head. It was so hard to do it all alone. He had mommy and daddy to help out but it just wasn't the same as having Wiffle by his side. He missed her just so much. She would've been so much better at this, he bet, and she would've maybe made Elfie stay, or at least helped Eljay in making the right decisions that wouldn't push Elfie away.

There was no real solution in sight. Eljay was only roused from his thoughts when Wraen nudged him and pointed out a deer in the distance. He nodded, instinct taking over -- he was hungry and knew this was an opportunity they needed to seize -- and got into position to hunt.

yes, thank you for the thread! <3