Sun Mote Copse It's called a lance, hello!

Ugh, I'm feeling all of Niamh's feels.

After a long moment of silence, presumably as Niamh was processing and formulating a response, she began to speak of Colt and Camilla. He had known it would eventually come up, but he hadn't known how to broach the subject, since it was still a sore one for her. Letting her take the lead seemed to be the best option, and his feeling about that was confirmed when she explained why she was bringing it up at all. The question was this: if they were dead, were they still betrothed to their living counterparts?

This was one of those moments he wished that Sequoia was here. She had helped him work through some of his lingering feelings about Camilla when he'd been there, had helped her move on even while she was working through her own feelings about Kiwi, who had apparently been a good friend of hers. Nobody could really know what happened after, although Phox had once been told that you went up into the stars to look down on the world below. You were with everybody, and he tried to put that into words.

I think, he said, trying to channel some Sequoia wisdom, that wherever we go, there's enough of everybody to go around. The way I understand it, we all sorta blend together when we're dead, and we get to mix and mingle with all the things that made us happy without feeling any of the bad feelings. I don't know if that's true, but believing that makes me feel better now, so... it's a coping mechanism, at least. He wanted to say something like, "Camilla would want me to be happy," which was probably true, but he couldn't even bring himself to do that. He didn't know Colt well enough to say that he'd want Niamh to be happy, either. Hadn't Colt stormed off after some stupid fight anyway?

What I do know is that Camilla will always be the mother of Figment and Fennec. She gave me that, and I'll always be thankful for that. But I'm not dead, and I don't want to stop living my life to the fullest because some cruel twist of fate took her away. He knew that Colt's death had been different—violent—but it was still just as cruel. Kiwi had killed him, and Phox clenched his teeth just thinking about it. Relaxing a bit, he continued. I want to be happy. I want to be a good dad to Figment and Fennec, and that requires me being happy. And part of what makes me happy is having somebody by my side. There was Towhee, of course, but that was an entirely different kind of relationship.

What Phox explained to her was the only thing Niamh could think of that might possibly put her mind at ease about taking another mate during her lifetime, without having angry, jealous dead-exes waiting for her when she died. It wasn't uncommon for wolves to take another mate after their first passed on- especially with Niamh being as young as she was....And the same with Phox.

All she wanted, though, was something like what Elwood and Finley had. Being together for ages, and pumping out as many children as possble. That was how it was supposed to be. Now, though, her mate had already passed on- so she was left dealing with the alternaive, which was to simply partner with others, and still at least acheive the goal of mothering as many children as possible still...But having a lifelong partner and oodles of children was much different than having more than one partner, and more than one batch of children. That was different. 

Would she ever judge Phox for taking another mate within a year of losing Camilla? No, not at all...But the fact that she hadn't particularly liked Camilla did have an effect on that sentiment. Had Phox been with someone Niamh cared about, she might have begrudged him for moving on...But a year was time. A year was enough time to raise children to the point where they were adults and could survive on their own...So could the same be said of allowing a discontinued partnership? Was it enough time?

She shrugged. Her throat ached, and she didn't feel like she could say much without crying, still. "I kind of get it." She said. "If we become sort of...Infinite." She said. After all- if all of them became infinite energy, they could love and be happy without any limits. She would never not love Colt enough, simply because another part of her infinite self loved someone else. She could cope with that, the same way Phox did, she supposed. But...

Did she feel that way about him? 

Up until moments ago, she hadn't felt anything for anyone. That stranger had tempted her- but he had pulled more anger from her than anything else. That was perhaps her most familiar go-to strong emotion. Phox was doing the best for his kids, and knew that he had to be happy in order for them to be happy...And his kids seemed plenty nice. Probably better-rounded than her two were. One was missing and the other one was a nutcase. Maybe her kids had missed out, this entire year, because she hadn't been happy...But she found herself doubting, very much, that her finding a new partner would make either of her kids happy. And that, above her own happiness, was her priority. 

"I...I don't think Bronco would handle it." She admitted. "And if Nellie came back...If I was in her place, I'd feel like my Mom was trying to build a replacement family." She confessed, and she shook her head. "My kids...Aren't like yours," She said, and shrugged. "All they had was me. and I wasn't enough."

Phox nodded along. He wanted to reiterate that no immediate decision needed to be made. They didn't have to go for it right this moment or decide to friend-zone each other forever. But he'd already said as much, and he didn't want to nag her about it. It dawned on him that, if anything did happen, their four kids would be pseudo siblings, just as he had been with Finley and Elwood's lot. That was actually a terribly pleasant idea for him, who had always wanted to raise kids the way he had been raised: surrounded by loving adults and other pups.

But alas, it sounded as though, at least for now, things would remain the same. It felt better having had the conversation, and at least everything was out in the open now. Phox could stop the feeling that he was hiding something from one of his oldest friends. The kids always come first, he said, agreeing with her sentiment. Even if nothing would become of this, he still planned on sitting Fig and Fenn down and explaining that, someday, he would likely find himself with a new lady by his side. For them, he wondered if it would be less jarring, considering they had never known their mother. Would they feel replaced if he had any more children (which he certainly wished to do)? It was a question for another day, and he had plenty of time to outline that conversation before anything happened.

The migraine that had slowly been building was starting to seep in again, and he closed his eyes for a few seconds, groaning. I think I've got a headache coming on. They started when I fell down that god forsaken landslide. I'd better get myself to a quiet dark place before it starts up. Hopefully this one won't include vomit. He didn't want to cut the conversation short, but he also knew he'd become rather useless if he stayed out too much longer. Laying down and waiting it out as still as possible was about all he could do once it started.

Aaaand again- for anyone stalking this, if YOU suffer from migraines, I got two strange, but helpful things that I find work for me:

1. "Peppermint Halo" oil from Saje, used along the temples, across my forehead, behind my ears, down the back of my neck and on my wrists. You smell like am apothecary and DO NOT GET IT NEAR YOUR EYES because it's REALLY minty but it'll suck some of the pain out. 
2. put feet in cold water, (as cold as you can stand it), and put like a hot water bottle, or microwaved bean bag thing on the back of your neck. I think something about the contrast of heat and cold at extremities does something for drawing pain away from your brain. 

Obviously, drink room-temp water, keep it dark and quiet, and take whatever meds you normally take for a migraine- but those two little tips have saved me from hours of agony before, or have at least lessened it. aaaand eeeeeend spiel!

The kids came first. Niamh nodded, even though she felt she should apologize. She knew he would understand, but that it wasn't the answer that he wanted. She hadn't outright given him a definitive answer, but the ambiguity and the apologetic, sad look on her features likely said enough. What worried her then was the fact that Phox hadn't wanted things to become awkward, or for things to change at all, apart for the option of them being together. She feared, then, that with all these things now brought to the forefront of her mind, that it had changed things- at least for her. 

And now, with their topic of conversation becoming heavy, it seemed the pressure had caused him to suffer a headache- and it was with such brevity that he made to excuse himself that she had to wonder if he really did have a headache, or if he simply wanted to get away from her. She hadn't noticed any signs of one coming on- but maybe she'd just missed them. She hadn't exactly been staring at him the whole time, and had been looking away for most of their conversation. He might very well have been squinting slightly, or massaging his tongue against his teeth. She wouldn't have noticed. 

Having taken a massive crack to the skull before, Niamh knew the feeling...And given his condition, she probably should have expected that he wasn't feeling one hundred percent. She'd had a head trauma before too, and had agonized for a long time with the pain of migraines following the Screech-headbutt-incident which had forever changed his life and personality. "I hate those," She admitted empathetically, but awkwardly. "Get...Get some rest, okay? And ya have to drink more water'n you think...It'll help, I think," She said, with a passive shrug. "D'you...Have somewhere to go?" She asked, wondering if he had established a den of his own since joining the pack. "There's always the Nest, or whatever Wildfire called it...The big communal den thing, in the centre of the packlands. It...Should be quiet and dark," She suggested...Because she felt like offering her own den was a step too far.

You are such a treat. <3

Oh yes, he should stop by some water source on the way there. Something about chewing up snow to hydrate really didn't appeal to him, and he vaguely remembered Raven recommending against it. If that was his only option, it would have to suffice, but hopefully he could find something at least liquid.

He had been sleeping with the rest of the fam at the rendezvous site, but when she mentioned this "Nest," he thought that sounded a whole lot better. He could get out of the sunlight, and it would probably be quieter in there, too. That sounds perfect, he replied with a soft smile. Thanks for that. And... I'll see you around. At least with one eye. Because the other one was still not working. Nor would it ever, according to Raven.

Phox stepped forward and briefly touched his nose to Niamh's shoulder, then headed toward The Nest, hoping he could wait out the worst of this headache there.