Sleepy Fox Hollow It always runs back but it's never quite the same

I'M BACK BITCHES!

There was something to be said for the passing of time healing old wounds. The stretch of time warping the exact aching details and fusing the frayed edges. Sealing the hurt closed, encasing the anger and pain like an infection just waiting to fester.

With the last few months spent separated from his deeply loved family, and instead opening his head to the family of his mate, Siarut was aching for the affection of his sisters. Well at least one sister.

Until this moment he had been cowardly. Avoiding the pain of seeking her out. He knew that a proper explanation would be required, and yet he had little desire to relive his darkest days. The northern prince wasn’t sure his soul could take the retelling, nor the heat of his sister’s shame and disgust once she heard his story.

He wasn’t sure if he could survive without her. Even the odd limbo that their relationship had devolved into was better than her outright hatred. She had been angry at their last encounter, as he abandoned her once again. At the time, there was nothing she could have done to help him and his tormented psyche. Leaving her was the only form of protection he could give her. At the time he had gladly taken her cold tone, and would gladly do so again if it meant protecting her.

Not that she would need protecting. With a bitter laugh Siarut acknowledged the continuing strength of the women in his family, and lack of its men. With one more deep breath Siarut rose his head to the air, a neutral song rising from his lips. The scent of his sister was still strong along the border where he had first bade her goodbye.

He whispered to the wind.

“ @Takiyok Yakone Ateneq, your brother calls for you.”

She had only been gone from Diaspora for three days, returning a about a week ago with a stone heart once more. She had avoided Mahler completely, still too angry inside despite the cold exterior she had woven around herself again. She was afraid that the sound of his voice or the anger of his own gaze would crumble her fragile control. She hated that he had such an effect on her still, but she held on to the hope that it would diminish with time. Eventually she would not hold so much love for the General...one day she would be back to her old self. That's what she kept telling herself anyway. 

She was stewing in her depressing thoughts as she made her way along the borders, staying busy as she always did when she wanted to avoid her feelings. The call drifted across the hollow, coming from the borders not too far from where she was now frozen. Her heart slammed into her throat, and she was immediately struck equally with rage and longing. Sia. Another disappointment—another let down. She had been hurt so much, and he had done the hurting more than once. But she felt so lonely lately, and the thought of seeing him again, her brother, it chipped away at her anger. She stood there for what felt like forever, frozen in indecision. Should she ignore him or go to him? As painful as seeing him would be, she knew ignoring him would only hurt exponentially more. 

So she steeled herself and headed towards him, galloping in the direction of the howl and slowing only when she saw his white form standing on the borders. She stopped in front of him, her face blank as she rested her fiery gaze on his face. Sia, she finally said after few moments. Why are you here. She had made the decision to see him, but her anger had not lessened any.

He stood for a long time waiting for her to come, so long that he began to doubt she was here and that his nose had led him astray. Dropping his head slightly, and furrowing his brow he almost turned to leave, his song had long since dissipated, when the quiet sound of footprints caught his sensitive ears.

She stopped before him, and he took her in. She looked tired. All hope he had of finding joy in her frame faded quickly, her flame entrenched gaze shone with a deep-seated anger. Sadness clenched his heart as Siarut opened his mouth to offer her a sound reason for his appearance. Closing his lips before sound could be found, he offered her a shrug.

Taking a deep breath and fixing her with his vibrant olive gaze Siarut gave a small smile, pushing through the sadness in his gaze. “I figured it was time.” Time to what? Check in on his little sister? No she was grown now, no longer in need of his protection. Time to mend the canyon that had formed between them? Or at least a bridge to reconcile them? Siarut was suddenly at a loss, why was now the time to see her. “I … I wanted to see you.” Admitting his own weakness for her presence, revealing his longing to see her and touch her again.

Siarut was suddenly struck with the foreboding sense of selfishness. He had thought leaving was the best course originally, and he still believed it had been. But he had never thought of his return. Was he selfish in returning? Would it have been better to stay away? Would she be better off without him? Was he to broken for her? Depressive and dark thoughts clouded his brain, a fear he hadn’t felt in months suddenly shook his frame. He would never been the same person she had grown with, his life had taken its pound of flesh. With Nanook’s help he had begun to see the light again, to feel the joy of living. But there were things that lingered in his mind, decrepit skeletons that leapt on his insecurities and clawed behind his eyes. Trying to seduce him once more.

With a quivering lip he dropped his head again. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come.” He shook his head, waiting for her to run him off, and forget that she had ever had an older brother at all.

He shrugged, and her eyes narrowed at the gesture. He had come here after all this time—after leaving her, and all he had to offer was a fucking shrug? She was already in a volatile state pretty much all the time, and he was dangerously close to being dealt the brunt of her anger even if he hadn't been the one to hurt her this time. She was about to give him an earful but then he spoke again, and she couldn't really say his words made her feel any better. You figured it was time? she repeated angrily. What does that even mean? Had he been lying in wait this whole time, readying himself for the perfect moment to drop back into her life? And now had been that time? She didn't care if he wanted to see her; she didn't fucking want to see him. Except that wasn't really the truth. She needed family now more than ever, but how could she get past all of this anger and hurt she still harbored for her big brother. 

His next words tugged at her heart. And jesus why did he have to look so damn sad too. No, I— she started and stopped, unsure what exactly she wanted to say. Don't go, she whispered, her anger falling away to leave a sister that just needed to be comforted by her big brother, the one she had looked up to all her life. She stepped forward and pushed her face into his fur. She thought she might cry, but she had promised she wouldn't cry anymore tears for Mahler, and she wasn't going to break that promise. She inhaled deeply through her nose, the familiar comforting scent of family soothing her soul a little for the first time in days. She couldn't bring herself to move away just yet, so she remained there, hoping he would just let her have this.

She surprised him, pressing into his fur as she always used to. The way she used to depend upon him, confided all her deepest fears in, the little girl he had protected since birth was suddenly there, if only for the briefest moment.

They breathed deeply together, soothing each other with their simple presence. A tear trailed his cheek, but was so minute even Takiyok wouldn’t notice. Wouldn’t understand the huge weight the started to lift from his shoulders by her simple actions.

He would stand there for as long as she would let him. Ready to spend the rest of his life making everything up to her if only it meant they could always be close.

With a deep breath, racking in her comforting scent, Siarut set himself to the task. He promised to do better and now was his chance. A little pain to get his sister back. That was nothing. "I mean I'm ready to explain myself to you. To answer all your questions, no matter how painful they might be. I'm ready to try and earn you back." Trying to curl around her even more closely, he whispered his last. "If you'll let me, little sister." He let the title hang, unaware of how much his own sanity rested on her, on his second to decide if she still wanted to be his family, his dearest sister.

She remained where she was, letting him embrace her while he spoke. For a few moments, she didn't even think about any of the shit between them; she was just grateful for the comfort. She tensed some at his words, though, and eventually stepped back a little, studying his face for a few moments, her own expression unreadable. She considered his words for a few silent moments and instead of the anger or resentment that she would normally feel, she felt only exhausted. She was tired of abiding by her strict standards of right and wrong. She was coming to the realization that she would never be able to find anyone who would be as loyal to her as she always was to those she cared about. She was always left feeling betrayed and hurt, and she wondered if maybe she should just accept her brother as he was. He loved her, that much was obvious, and she knew he hadn't ever hurt her intentionally, so maybe she should just let everything go.

Finally, her expression softened. It doesn't matter anymore, she said quietly. You can tell me what drove you away from me and our home if you wish, but you don't have to. I'm— She paused and closed her jaw, looking away for a second. When she met his gaze again, she continued. I'm here, in your life regardless. She watched his expression, unsure how he would react to her acceptance. It was not in character for her, but everything with the General had changed her more than she even realized.

Eventually the moment was over, and she stepped away. Fear continued to grip his being, waiting for the dismissal. Waiting for her to drop him, and turn away without a second thought. His breath held in his chest, and he forced himself to remain still.

So prepared for the rejection, Siarut’s jaw fell at her words. Her anger disappeared, and the weight of the world seemed to settle upon her broad shoulders. With an aching sadness, Sia realized his sister was all grown up. Blinking back a tear that threatened to fall, he offered her a small smile. “I’m so sorry.” Were the only words he could think of, the gratitude he felt welling in his chest could never be defined with words alone, and there would never be enough time in the world to show her how much he loved her.

For she had offered him a way out. To have her in his life without explaining his actions. And even with the guilt ripping at his still aching heart, Siarut knew himself to be a coward. For he took the option provided to him, tightening his lips against his own history. He would never deny answering any of her questions, but if she said she didn’t need the story, Siarut would keep his shady past to himself.

“I don’t deserve to have you as my sister Tak. But I’m to selfish to let you go forever.” Siarut avoided thinking about the things he had inherited from their father. His selfishness being one of those things. Yet still, as he stood here, he felt the gnawing shame. How dare he think himself worthy of the happiness that was becoming his life.

He apologized, but she was unable to say anything in return. She had never been good at accepting apologies, even from him, and she wasn't sure how to forgive him. She wanted to, and was willing to try, but it would take some time. More time than they had here today. She shook her head as he spoke again. Well, you don't have to. I'm here, brother. We can work on fixing things between us. She knew it would take work on both parts. He had a lot to make up for, and this was all uncharted territory for the Kapitän. 

She swallowed, unsure what else to say. She settled on simpler things. Where are you now? Do you need a place to stay? He would, of course, be welcome here, and it would be nice to have family here if she was being honest. As it was, she felt like an outsider in her own home. It wasn't something that would have bothered her before but with such a huge rift between Mahler and her, things felt even more lonely now. She knew it was mostly her fault; she was not very approachable or easy to get close to, and she was starting to pay the price for it. Youth was good at blinding her to such worries, but she had started to see more clearly lately, and she felt even more lost than ever. She wanted to express all of this to Sia, but there was so much to tell. Plus, she knew the Mahler stuff would only anger her brother. He might then get into it with the General, which would make him visiting her here difficult.

He hadn’t expected a quick return, but instead was happy to see her protecting herself. Even if it was from him. Sia nodded solemnly, any words catching at the back of his throat, chocking him. He had recovered just enough before she threw him yet another curveball. She was offering him a place to stay. They really had changed. It seemed like only yesterday he had offered her the same, and yet now their roles were so foreign.

Biting his tongue, “No I don’t need a place to stay. I’m over at Easthollow,” The bear turned his head to the side, avoiding her gaze, determining what if anything her should share. Drastically he was thrown back to the glacier, and her writhing anger at him for hiding Ceara from him. It had been years since he had thought of her, and yet even now her claws clung firm.

His decision made by the reminder of the consequences of leaving family out. Clearing his throat softly, Siarut let a broad smile pull his lips. Revealing his raw emotions to her, as he should have always done. “with Nanook and her Family.” He hoped that was explanation enough for her to understand.

She was, admittedly, a little disappointed that he wouldn't be staying in Diaspora with her. Easthollow. It was familiar, and she searched her memory for why. Eventually, she remembered the wolf she had fought with when the family was moving to the glacier—she was from Easthollow, if she remembered correctly. The thought cause more memories to resurface from a time when things were so different and the future was full of hope. Now she couldn't remember the last time she felt that way when she thought of the future; she actively tried to avoid thinking about it because it only brought a suffocating sense of dread. Thinking about the glacier only made her feel sad and hopeless, and so she pushed it from her mind, not wishing to be reminded of that time. It turned out to be an easier task than she initially thought, though, as the mention of Nanook quickly stole her attention. She wanted to be irritated that he chose to be there with her and not here with his sister, but she dismissed that feeling right away; it was irrational and unreasonable. Sia had the right to be happy; one of them should be at least. She treats you well? Taki asked, unable to ignore her protectiveness over her big brother. She wasn't surprised Nanook had been the one to capture Sia's heart. She hoped she cherished it instead of using it as a weapon to hurt him. The thought was just her projecting her own situation onto her brother, she knew, but she couldn't help it.

For the first time in a long time a laughter of joy broke his jaw, his eyes slipped closed for a moment and he didn’t hesitate to nod. “Probably better than I deserve.” He hadn’t missed the hint of disappointment at the mention of Easthollow, or the conflicting emotions that were rolling of Takiyok.

He hesitated for a moment, the laughter from before dissipating into a serious frown. As was customary for the brute. “Are you alright? Has the father of your children been good to you?” Siarut had never gotten an introduction last time her was here, but he never forgot the man that had stood alongside his sister. Protecting her, from him, if necessary. There was a distinct lack of joy in his sister’s frame, and he was suddenly worried that perhaps her depressed attitude wasn’t solely his doing. Had someone else upset his sister, more than he did?

Good, she said, his laughter making a tight smile tilt one side of her lips. It was gone just and quickly as it appeared, though. I'm happy that you have each other, she said. And you do deserve it, she added. Whatever issues they still needed to work through, she still believed that he deserved to be happy.

He frowned and brought up two subjects she didn't really want to talk about. She was miserable and heartbroken, but no way did she want to tell him all about that. I'm...okay, I guess, she offered instead. I have a lot going on, she added, probably making things even more cryptic for him. And Stigmata— she paused, her chest tightening painfully as she said his name. He died...a few months ago. And before that? things had been strained at best, something she would feel eternally guilty for. Three of my four children are missing. My oldest son is the only one that remains. I've been searching for them, but have not found anything yet. Everything just came spilling out. She had kept it all to herself for so long, the pressure building and building and now that she had let some of it out, the rest burst from her without her control. And I had to go and fall in love with the man I lead Diaspora with. Now things are all messed up, and I just feel like an idiot for letting him in in the first place. She turned away as hot tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. She swallowed and drew in a deep breath. When she had composed herself, she turned back to her brother. I'm sorry, Sia—I didn't meant to dump all of that on you...not all at once and not right now. It was unfair with so much still between them and their relationship still so fragile.

She had tried to remain reserved, stoic; her emotions hidden away from his keen gaze, and her heart held from those who would try once again to hurt her. He realized then, that his sister, his beautiful baby sister was just as damaged as he was. But even more startling was the fact that he was one of the ones she was trying to protect herself against.

Before sorrow could solidify and cocoon his own broken heart, her words continued to tumble forth. In a giant snowball of facts and emotions, Takiyok threw her feelings at him. Stunned he held silent for a moment, simply processing.

“Don’t apologize.” He offered her an empathetic smile, “I’m glad you told me.” Despite the grieve and worry that brewed in his stomach for his sisters lost companion, Stigmata; and their young children, his nieces and nephews, who were left without a father and some separated from their mother. Despite the anger and rage, that brewed for this new man who had messed things up as Takiyok had stated. Despite all that, Siarut did his best to remain calm. A year ago, such an action would have been impossible, but now, now he was ready to be a rock. Her rock.

“You’ve been through so much Taki. I am so so sorry.” Taking a deep breath he continue, “I am sorry for Stigmata, and your missing children.” He couldn’t believe the torment he might face if his own children were ever to go missing. “I’ll do anything I can to help you find them. Anything at all.” Looking down at his paws, he shook his head. “I don’t know who this new guy is, but I know one thing. And that is the fact that YOU aren’t an idiot. He obviously isn’t smart enough to realize what an amazing woman you are, and how lucky anyone would be to have you love them.” It took everything he had to let go of his anger. If this guy had been standing before him there would be hell to pay, but right now… Right now his litter sister needed kind and calming words, she needed an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on.

A relieved sigh whooshed from her chest, and she closed her eyes, her head lowering for a few moments. It was a relief to finally tell someone everything that had been stewing inside her for so long. She always felt like she had to keep everything held tightly inside so that she could be the strong mother and leader she felt everyone needed her to be. But right now, she was just a sister venting to her older brother, and it turned out to be something she really needed. She wasn't sure how she felt about his opinion on the Mahler situation, but she appreciated the sentiment and the fact that he hadn't tried to storm across the borders and find the General; she knew there was a time when that wouldn't have been the case. It seemed they had both changed in the time they had been apart. He promised to help her look for her missing children too, and she was grateful. The more eyes looking for them, the better. 

She wanted to stay here and keep talking to him; things seemed less daunting when she had her big brother to confide in. But she had things to do, and he probably did too. Thanks, Sia, she said quietly, her lips curving slightly into a weak smile. You should probably head back; it will be dark soon. She couldn't help but worry. I want to bring my son to Easthollow to meet you. Would that be alright? Stag was old enough now, and she wanted them to know each other.

He offered his own weak smile in return with a gentle nod of his head. He was still furious that anyone would dare to hurt his sister, physically or emotionally he didn’t care. And while he didn’t know about the altercation between Takiyok and Ceara, he now understood how she felt when he finally revealed his rejected feelings. Siarut wouldn’t go looking for this guy, but if they ever crossed paths there would be some serious hell to pay.

He glanced up at the waning sun, a pink hue quickly enveloping the sky. Again he nodded, agreeing that he should head home soon. At the mention of his nephew Siarut perked up, he had missed out Shivali’s children, and Tahani’s, and Tomkin’s….. Siarut hoped that he would get a chance to change that streak with Taki’s kids. “Of course, I would love to meet him.” But of course she knew that. She knew that family was important to him, and the ache of having only Takiyok left was a heavy burden to bare.

Taking a step into her, Siarut nosed her cheek and nudged his head along her own. “I’ll see you soon then.” He hadn’t thought leaving would be so difficult, especially compared to their last goodbye. But there was a tug in his heart, and he felt torn between the two most important women in his life. He wished he could stay, but he also knew that Nanook would begin to worry considering he hadn’t mentioned where he was going.

She closed her eyes and leaned into his affection, returning it with a nuzzle of her own. She pulled back and smiled at him. Very soon, she promised. With your nephew. She too wished he could just stay here with her. They had things to work through and his presence here might make things easier for her. It might also make things harder, considering she had confided in him about Mahler. She knew exactly how he felt about it, even if he had remained calm about the whole thing. Regardless, having him here as a part of Diaspora was something she found she wanted quite a lot. But he had his own life and a responsibility to Nanook; she could understand that even if it hurt to know his loyalties were divided now. She knew it would happen some day, and she was glad that he was happy. She would stand on the borders and watch his departure, remaining until she could no longer see his form on the horizon. 

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