Honeyed Pasture baby, come give me something new.

March 23 — Tags for reference.

She removed herself from @Fengmian's side and wandered toward the nearby pasture. Morning had overcome the horizon, painting the particolored sky in various shades of orange and blue. The silhouettes of migratory birds, returning to the Teekon after a winter of warmth, tracked their trails through the clouds.

Ying sighed and knelt down to groom herself. The scent had gradually faded away, leaving only traces in the knots of her fur. She could think clearly now, could see the world for what it was, and understood her emotions. Presently, there was a strange mix of angst and dread growing within her, but above all, she felt contentment.

Her mind wandered to @Astaroth. Was he nearby? She sounded a short howl, wondering if he might hear her call, and fell onto her side for a momentary nap.

his feet had kept him northbound as he wandered back towards the coast, his sights set on heading in the direction of the where the sea lions were known to lounge. he was curious if they too were in their season, and if so, when he could expect their own pups to be birthed. they would make easy meals to fill his stomach, or so he believed.

a grumble of his stomach escapes him just as the howl soars overhead. inky ears swivel forward as he turns to face the direction the call had come from, a twist to his face revealing his curiosity. he'd not been expecting to hear from ying, at least not so soon anyways. still, he is happy to hear voice and immediately sets off with a spring in his step.

he was only a short distance away, and came to greet her with a cheerful "hey" as soon as he was within taking distance.

Astaroth's approach beckoned her from the light slumber. She stood and turned in his direction, a small smile plastered onto her maw. Then, her gaze began to lower, and she fell defeatedly onto her hindquarters with a pathetic sob.

Ying felt that she could trust him, and so did not worry about sharing her vulnerability. Instead, she continued to quietly cry, shoulders lifting and lowering with each deep breath.

he watched her rouse, the faint smile on her lips sending a gentle sway to begin in his tail only for it to be cut short at the sight of her crying. his steps quickened until he was by her side, nose aiming to poke her shoulder gently before coming to sit beside her.

he wasn't sure what had caused such a reaction, but certainly hoped it hadn't been him. curious, yet unsure if she was comfortable enough to share, astaroth opted for silence instead. his weight shifted ever so slightly so that he would be able to lean his side against her own should she let him, a few concerned whines slipping past his lips while doing so.

I-I am dirty, she wailed, I don't want to be anymore. Her body, every inch of it, had been tainted with her own permission. Everything — all of this — had been her fault. 

She had never been under any obligation to act so proud, but she had! And what would come of it? This time, there would be no escape. Their union would surely bear fruit, the consequences of which would trap her for a lifetime.

What would Astaroth think, if he knew the truth? How would he feel about her past, about the things she had allowed to happen? Ying knew that he would see her differently, and that things would change. She fought the urge to press into his touch; rather, she remained stiff, trembling and squirming beneath the weight of her own discomfort.

it was only as he sat close to her could he detect the last traces of her heat, though in truth he paid little attention to it. he assumed with the fading scent, that she was past the point of fertility and any worries of him not being able to control his urges were tossed to the back of his mind. his attention was on his friend, while his focus was nothing more than to calm her.

"you're not dirty" he let out, face turning so that his golden gaze might try to find her blue one. the last time he had seen her, she had sent him away. what had happened between then and now was a mystery to him, but he was there to listen if she wanted to share. a comforting presence is all he sought to be.

Yes, I am. She sniffled and pulled away, returning his gaze. Defiled and damaged, labels which she would never be rid of. Ying lifted a paw and rubbed it across her snout, picking up the snot trails. I'm sorry, she said.

There was an itch inside of her, one that travelled from toe-tip to crown. Ying tried moving to relieve herself, but found the sensation too deeply tucked to touch. Frustration began to build once more, so she counted each heavy breath to calm her nerves, hoping it would keep the tears at bay. 

Ying looked at Astaroth again, explaining: So many bad things, and it's my fault. Arcturus's injury, his inevitable hatred of her; Revui's reputation, potentially the ruining of a friendship...

am i going crazy or did you change the text's color?? lmao!

his ears twitched at the foreign language, confusion tugging ever so slightly on his features as he watched her wipe the tears from her face. he had no idea what she'd said, but she calmed down a little bit at least, so that was a start.

"whatever happened couldn't have been that bad." whether or not it was her fault was an entirely different story, but he liked to think it was not. the season played strange tricks on all those old enough to feel it's pull, and so he decided to put the blame on that, rather than his friend's shoulders.

Whatever happened couldn't have been that bad.

Would talking to someone help? Their relationship had become a crutch, something which she relied on in times of need. Astaroth had proven himself trustworthy, too; she loved him for it, among other things.

Ying sniffled and asked, Can I tell you everything? There were some aspects of the trauma which she had come to permanently forget, but the bulk of it remained hidden. Having only shared the gist with Hydra, was she ready to share it all?

for a moment he thought back to their first encounter, back to when she had not even bothered to share her name with him. and now? "i'm all ears" he let out with a soft smile, happy that she trusted him enough to share whatever had transpired.

be it good or bad, he'd listened. ying had been a comfort in a whole new world to him, and he'd rather not be sitting next to any other besides her right now.

Feel free to interrupt :)

Remember— Strangers hurt me for a long time. She thought about the other girls, and the men who had enslaved them. I never said anything. Throughout their exploitation, Ying had remained silent, complacent; she had chosen to remove herself from the trauma, experiencing the emotional and physical pain from a safe distance.

I pretended this never happened, and I stopped talking about it. Ying wondered if the twins had done the same, or if they still whispered in private about what had transpired. She decided that it was unlikely, but couldn't completely shake the thought from her mind. 

She turned back to Astaroth, but quickly shifted her gaze to the ground. Sometimes, I let men touch me, because I feel in control, she explained. Her goal had been the reclamation of her sexuality, but it had been in vain. Rather than healing, Ying had opted to continue adding fire and salt to her inner blaze.

But this time — inhale, exhale — I'm not in control now, and I remember the things I don't want anymore. I feel it all happening at the same time. Constant, inescapable discomfort; when would it end?

I don't know what to do.

Her tear-brimmed eyes lifted again to Astaroth, and suddenly overtaken with guilt, she continued. Maybe, I am not good at loving things, because no one wants me. It is like, maybe everyone can see I am dirty and they are afraid. So why aren't you? It had been that way with Aningan, with Arcturus; surely, Astaroth felt the same. I am afraid, too.

he drank in her words one by one, face twisting with sadness and sorrow, but never disgust. what had happened to her, what others had done to hurt her, it made his skin crawl with disapproval. what made it worse, was that she thought it was her fault. how...how could he let her know it wasn't?

she didn't have to go into detail for him to get the general idea of how it was they'd hurt her. if he had known, would he have treated her differently? would he have been more aware in the way he moved, in the way he touched. what if he had upset her with his intimacy before?

he sucked in a breath the same time as she, ears twitching as she went on to explain the way she felt. he wanted to help, to make her feel at ease. slowly, he shifted himself so that his forehead might rest against her own should she allowed it, desperately wanting to show her that he was not afraid. "you are not dirty" he repeated, and would do so again and again until she understood that none of this was her fault. she had offered to protect him once. he wanted to return the favor, even if it meant protecting her from herself.

And again, he told her: You are not dirty. Hesitantly, she slumped forward and met his embrace. You are my great friend, she whispered, I love you. Astaroth didn't need to reciprocate. Her love didn't hold any obligation, and whether he felt the same, she would continue to give it. The feeling was similar to those shared with Fengmian, or with her beloved cousins, Ruo and Lei. It was a love shared between kindred spirits, the sort that would never fade.

She pulled back, wondering if he understood this. Ying's expression was firm, but not uncaring; she wanted him to understand her message in its entirety. She continued: You are in the family I am building. Somewhere, without a title, sat Astaroth amongst the rest. Thank you.

his eyes shut briefly as she came to meet his touch, relief flooding him in the fact that she did not outright pull away. he remained there as she spoke, heart giving a little thump at the last words before she pulled away. whether it be because he was swept up in the moment, or truly felt the same way, astaroth was aware that he did in fact love her too.

whether or not his love was platonic or something more mattered little to him right now. he wanted to share his feelings in the same way she had. and so, after she finished speaking and thanking him, he leaned forward and let out a heartfelt "i love you too" before leaning back, a smile etched happily into his features all while doing so.

Fengmian would have been somewhere nearby. She wished that they could spend more time together, but knew that she needed to return. Ying stood and smiled, preparing herself for another goodbye.

This wouldn't be their last time. She walked away, brushing cheek and shoulder with her companion. I have to go, Ying explained, Sometime soon, we will see each other. 

She nodded her head and headed back into the brush.

he didn't question her reasoning for having to leave, and simply nodded his head in understanding. she often came and went, and he'd gotten use to her elusive nature through the countless times they spent together.

and so he watched as her form disappeared into the brush, the smile yet still remaining on his face. after a minute or two had gone by, the inky ghoul turned back in the direction he'd come from, another growl reminding him of what his original goal had been in the first place as he made his departure.