Sawtooth Spire As You Wish

Howl had permission from Mahler to be within the territory under supervision. Feel free to assume Mahler is nearby.

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Backdated one/two days. Howl is looking to gain the trust Sagtannet. A thread with an influential member would be appreciated. Tagging those most likely: @Mahler @Wylla @Praimfaya @Stag @Takiyok

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These few weeks he had with Star and their newly born children were priceless. He wished he didn't have to leave them. But there was a big reason he had to. Shiloh and Ravaryn. His other children still resided within Kaistleoki. He had a duty and love for all of his children equally and wished there was a way for him to be in two places at once, but that wouldn't ever be possible.

Before he left however the fact that he wasn't a member of Sagtannet still loomed over him. At least in Kaistleoki, he was able to come and go as he pleased. But while in Sagtannet he needed an escort to be let in and wasn't allowed to spend the evening beside his family. He understood why. He wasn't a member of the pack. But there had to be a way to prove to those within the pack that he was a respectable individual. Worthy of pulling his own weight and others to earn an allegiance with the pack. He had just left Star's den and was trying to think of a way of doing such.

i took some liberties with assuming sagtannet members were informed of why he was staying in the pack. i hope that's ok!

praimfaya was mistrustful of the stranger using their pack lands like a hotel; regardless of the fact that it was mahler himself that granted the brief allowance. she disagrees ...but she would. she was her mother's daughter, after all and the apple hadn't fallen far from the tree. she cannot help but think poorly of what kind of example he was setting for his young children, would think it tenfold especially if she were ever to find out that he had young cubs in his home pack too.

she expects all men to be as good as her father: there for his budding family and considers that if his loyalty to his current pack that he should've never lain with the sagtannet matron ...especially if he wanted to be in the cub's life.

the judgement, she knows, is not her's to pass. she is harsh with her thoughts and the gentler nature of her peeps up in an effort to quiet all that is draconian. the dragon in her grumbles in defiance.

she keeps close watch upon the stranger dwelling in their borders, despite that mahler already does. as the commander ( despite that her rank was not acknowledged by the wolves of sagtannet ) she cannot temper the urge to know his movements. especially with other young besides his own roaming about.

praimfaya rises from her sphinx-like position as she hears him approach her position and is swift to intercept. where are you going aulana? she demands.

Deep in thought, the sudden emergence of a light gray female took him by surprise for a moment. She asked where he was going, but there was a term at the end of her sentence he didn't understand. He hoped it wouldn't interfere with the understanding of the initial part of her question. Her tone was not friendly but Howl wasn't expecting a warm welcome from someone he didn't know. Perhaps she didn't even know why he was in their territory in the first place. "I was going to obtain some water and perhaps retrieve some game for my mate Star. My name is Howl. I've been given permission from your alpha Mahler to visit her for a short time." he explained. He thought about asking her name but thought it might be best to wait and see what her response might be first.

water. food. for my mate, star. praimfaya blinks coolly at him, unable to understand why he applies the term 'mate' to the matron. it generates confusion in the wanheda ...and a second hand betrayal. maybe the matron didn't see it as such but this man's idea of what it meant to be a mate seems all wrong to praimfaya. she capitalizes it, zeroes in on it as if its her prey and she tilts her head, unable to help the bristle of her hackles in her packmate's defense.

protective over the matron and her cubs.

mate.

what a joke.

you cannot be mates. to be a mate to someone is a promise. to be together. priamfaya thinks of her mother and father and her heart constricts in her chest. how do you dare to call the matron your mate when you're not even in the same pack! praimfaya's eyes narrow. ...when you choose your loyalty to your pack over the woman and children you call your's. how is that fair to her? to them? for it has not fallen beneath her notice that he means only to visit. that he is not one of them.

the idea refuses to sit well with praimfaya who has a very different view on mateship and parenthood.

should she be asked her opinion she would state that it was better he stay out of their lives then always make them, what praimfaya feels and observes from this whole ordeal, his second choice. a visit he makes only when he thinks of them in passing. with nothing else but her own perception she can only feel that this: all of this, is wrong.

So she did know why he was there, at least she thought she knew why. She had a whole idea of what Howl was up to. What she was saying wasn't wrong, but to assume he didn't feel the same was. It felt good to be able to call Star his mate. Since Heartha he hadn't been able to commit himself to anyone or feel shared emotions with anyone. He had tried with Moon but those feelings were quickly thrown in the garbage when she decided to have an affair behind his back.

Despite this female being heated towards him and passing judgment Howl wasn't able to get angry as he felt the same way when he thought about leaving Star and their children. But there was a reason. One he felt was worth it. "The fact that I am here at all shows my commitment and devotion to Star and our children," he stated.

"And your right. It's not fair to them. They deserve more of me and if I could provide that I would in a heartbeat," he said passionately.

"But it's not the loyalty to my pack which keeps me away. It's what's there. Who's there. If I could bring them here I would. But it wouldn't be fair to put that burden on your pack when it's my choices that created my circumstance." he went on to say.

He had thought about bringing Shiloh and Ravaryn to Sagtannet or Calcifer and Marble to Kaistleoki but Star's home was here and Moon's, and Conner's was there. He would have been outvoted.

does it? because that's not how praimfaya sees it. if you were truly committed, if she was truly your mate, you'd stay. but praimfaya wasn't sure she wanted someone like him in her pack; someone who proclaimed to 'marry' a woman and then never be with her. my father was a lone wolf, my mother apart of a pack. when she found out she was pregnant with me she left due to tensions with a neighboring pack. she found sanctuary in diaspora and my father, without knowing that she was pregnant or where she'd gone tracked her down to be with her. maybe that wasn't the entirety of it but it was what she was told and if praimfaya had a shred of romance in her, it satisfied her most romantic notions.

in hindsight, this supposed show was pathetic to her.

all i'm hearing are excuses and that your supposed mate and the children you have with her are your second choice. how long until you think your cubs will grow up resenting you? that you choose someone else over them? that you only come to visit on occasion? because, would praimfaya be in their situation, she would absolutely see it that way ( clearly does despite being a third party observer ).

what happens if your pack no longer lets you take these trips? what happens if we don't let you into our borders?

were these things he's even considered?

mahler shouldn't have let you be here.

à la the salty bitch. unforgivingly harsh in her judgement.

luckily, it wasn't up to her.

He's been trying to avoid explaining his full reasons as they didn't sound overly in his favor but it may be the only way for her to get some scope. He wasn't chosen either of his litters over the other. He was trying to choose them equally. As the female described her father Howl found some similarities between his story and Howls. With regards to his relationship with Heartha. He too was a lone wolf and decided to join Morningside to be with her. Morningside... He didn't think about it often not wanting to remember what took place there. But he could always count on Grayday to council him. What would he say now? He would probably tell Howl to be honest and that it didn't matter what this female thought of him. Sure she was apart of the pack he was trying to appease but if that couldn't be done by telling the truth then so be it. He had told Star the truth and she still cared for him regardless. "I commend your father's loyalty and commitment. I also sought out Star before discovering she was pregnant. But your father sounds better off than I am" he went on to say.

"I wonder what your father would have done if he wasn't a lone wolf without prior commitments. If he were part of a pack. If he had other children there to provide for" he said hoping she might take connections. He didn't say it in a condescending or bitter tone, but one that converted curiosity and questioning. "Would choosing to be someone's mate over a father be a commendable act?" he offered.

"I believe being a father is more important. I don't want to visit either of my children. I much rather be there for all of them at once but I cant... I can't be in two places at once. So I'm trying to spend equal time with them. Here and there. It's not ideal but it's all I can do," he professed. "And I'm going to try my best to pull my weight in both the packs to earn the right to see my children as often as they need. Not just simply when I'm granted brief permission."

"But I'm curious given my situation what would you suggest I do?" His question wasn't snarky and a part of him wanted to know his answer. Most of this he was going through on his own and it was the only solution he could see. A different opinion or idea might work better than his own.

he wouldn't have had other children. praimfaya says this matter-of-factly, eager to keep ingram on a pedestal ...and anyway, it wasn't about ingram who did the right thing. it was about howl who was, regardless of how he tries to twist things to be favorable ( at least this is how praimfaya sees it ), was still choosing one litter over another. it'd be different if you and star were just mates. if she didn't have your cubs. but she did. your cubs with your mate are supposed to be your legitimate children. the others are your bastards.

praimfaya says this so blasé because ...it's impossible for her to be in his situation. she could never give birth to more than one litter a year ...and while she supposes she could have a father to her children in a similar situation to howl's but her ultimatum would never change because she is not soft hearted.

you are not sagtannet. we don't need you to pull your weight. whether mahler agreed to this or not ...there would come a time when praimfaya would not let him cross into their borders. in her mind as a guardian, he shouldn't be allowed to come and go as he pleased just because he had children here. this was still a pack and allowing howl to come and go as he pleased set the wrong kind of example. you don't get to come and go as you please just because you have children here.

choose.

you must choose between your children because eventually, despite how well you think you're doing, it will never be enough. you will break someone's heart and maybe your own in the process. you are being cruel and selfish. so choose where you want to be and stay out of the lives of the other's.

We was passionate. Sorry this is long. Lol

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Despite the harsh things she was saying Howl's initial response was to let a light chuckle and huff out of his nostrils. It was clear with her first statement that she was simply incapable of putting herself in someone else's situation. There was nothing he could say that would change her mind. Heck if he only had Star and their offspring and he planned on joining the pack he was sure she would have something negative to say.

It made him take a moment to look at her once again, realizing despite the scars and markings on her, she was still very young in comparison to many and himself. Ignorant of the realities within life's experiences. As he listened to her speak internally he found it fun. Does she truly believe that children born out of marriage don't deserve love? As though those children had a choice.

Her words were contradictory. That he didn't need to pull his own weight. That he shouldn't be allowed in just because he had children. Couldn't she connect the dots and see that he was attempting to pull his own weight so that could be the reason he was allowed within the territory. He also thought others describing his time there as "coming and going" to be ironic as well. The only reason he had to come and go was because he wasn't allowed to stay the night. 

"It's interesting... how you choose to see the world," he commented. "Despite how well I think I'm doing. It will never be enough," he said repeating her words. "You say it as though I'm unaware. As though I didn't say those exact words moments ago... Or perhaps you weren't listening. Why don't I recap," he began.

"Despite how well I think I'm doing. It will never be enough," I believe my previous words were "They deserve more of me" I clearly don't think I'm doing well."

"I'm being cruel and selfish" I agreed "You are right. It's not fair to them."

"My other children are bastards," you say. Bastard, being a term to describe children conceived or born out of a marriage? Let's go with born as it fits your narrative. In your eyes, Star and I are not mates. "We can't be mates. We're not even in the same pack" Then would not Star's children be considered my bastards? Who in your eyes should clearly be a second choice?

And "I shouldn't get to come and go just because I have children here." A sentiment I agree with and therefore "I'm going to try my best to pull my weight to earn such a right," And yet "I am not Sagtannet. I don't need to pull my weight here," And yet I'm choosing to. 

I am doing everything I can. To make sure all my children are provided for, cared for, and loved. Despite if they are bastards or not. That doesn't change how I feel about my children. That doesn't change whether they deserve to be loved. I don't need to pull my weight here. I don't need to be apart of Kaistleoki. Heck I don't even need to be in Teekon," he remarks her knew she would not have context for, but it didn't matter. "But I'm choosing to anyway. There may come a time when I am unable to enter Sagtannet or Kaistleoki, but I will try my damnedest to be there for all my children when they need me."

"It's the best I can do. And it's clear that will never be enough for you... But I'm not doing it for you. So think whatever you want of me," he finished ready to continue on his intended journey of water and food retrieval.

i left this open just in case you wanted to have him react at all but if not feel free to archive as is! thank you for the thread & sorry pri's such a salty bitch.
they seemed locked in an endless circle. back and forth, back and forth. he counters her. diplomatic training long since buried for the sake of focusing upon her mastery in the warrior arts, breaths a sigh of existence, but praimfaya will not change her views on this. she did not earn the title of wanheda among her people for being understanding and sympathetic. would she have been any of those things during the conclave she would have fallen with jaws about her throat. you can try to earn it all you want but sagtannet doesn't have to grant you anything. we don't owe you. she points out pithily. and i don't have to accept your presence here because you shouldn't be here. because he was a stranger in her home who didn't, couldn't, whatever it was leave his other pack and children.

would kaistleoki be as accommodating if it were one of sagtannet hoping to earn the right to come and go freely from their borders as if they owned the place? she doubts it. sagtannet, as far as she was last aware, did not have an open border policy and if that's changed well ...she wasn't about to stay.

sagtannet is not your home and you've made it clear you don't want it to be. her lips curl back from her teeth and she snaps at his departing form: not a threat, but a clear warning all the same. be careful how you speak to me splita. you are nothing within this claim. she, however, rested ( for now, heh ) at the top of the hierarchy and with that she storms off, intending to keep a closer eye on him and waiting for him to give her a reason to chase him off.