Big Salmon Lake I got used to living without you

Life a leaf, he trembled while he lay still dripping wet on the soft mud along the bank of the lake. He wasn't sure he could bear watching her face for a reaction so he stared off into the distance, occasionally casting his glance along the banks of the lake as though to make sure they were alone.

Her issue still, it seemed, wasn't what had happened, or how he might recover. She didn't ask for his feelings, or try to reassure him, and that meant to him that she either didn't register how traumatizing it had been, or that she felt her issues were more important.

To be fair, there was their son to talk about. And it hurt him even more to know that she was right- the little guy had grown up this far not even knowing him or asking about him. Had she even bothered to tell Killdeer his name? To speak fondly of him at all? She could have had every influence over how his son would see him when he came back...And he got the sinking feeling that he'd be no more than a stranger to him.

He had to hold his breath to keep himself from uttering a sound of protest when she claimed that she wanted the hunters to come this way. She didn't know, he told himself. And she obviously didn't empathize enough with him to know how much it rattled him to think of them ever getting a hold of her. Even if he'd told her in vivid detail what they'd done...It didn't seem as though it might earn him any sympathy or respect, and that just felt wrong.

"I....Don't know what to do." He rasped. "I need time to heal, and rest. But I don't know if it's fair to ask any pack to hide me until I'm strong again if they... I didn't make any plan I just...Had to run, and hide. I can't...Go much further. I don't...I don't know."

She didn't understand him. She couldn't. The way he was talking... how? How the fuck did he not know what to do?

It was impossible for Fennec, having been here, to ever imagine herself letting anything take her away from Killdeer. The answer was so clear to her that she had to stop herself from absolutely ruining her life right then and there by calling him an idiot and leaving him to it. He was trying to decide between making a sacrifice play and facing whatever the fuck these things were on his own or allowing his family to fight with him. She was at a loss for words and it showed.

She couldn't change what had happened. She couldn't rewrite the time he had lost or go back and make any of that okay again. All she could do was try and minimize the damage now, with or without his help. She couldn't be selfish. Bronco wasn't the fighter that she was; she knew that. But it was hard for her to see this side of him and harder still to grapple with her gut reaction to it.

For the first time, maybe ever, Fennec had to actually think about what she said next. So the silence stretched.

Either we face them together, or I'm going after them alone. She would remove his choice from the equation and give him a new one, then. This was her decision. If he ran away, then he'd have to deal with the fact that she wouldn't. She could follow his trail just as easily as they did, the other direction, and would be there waiting for them. They could fucking try and make an example out of her. They were no monsters - they'd die as much as any other wolf with the right fangs in them.

It was cocky, it was stupid, and maybe it was even unrealistic. But Fennec's entire core rebelled against what Bronco was asking her to do; she refused to roll over and admit defeat, or to live in fear of something she hadn't even tried to face down herself. She couldn't.

He shuddered, his teeth clacking together and nearly clipping his tongue at the thought of facing the hunters again. Every moment of his life over the past months had been spent fearfully trying to run from them- which was accounted for in the weight loss he had suffered. If he wanted to stay a step ahead of them, he couldn't afford to hunt. He couldn't afford to sleep for long, or in a place that was comfortable. He'd napped in stream beds with his head propped up on a stone, and had rolled in all manner of foul smelling things to disguise himself. Now, given the fact that Fennec wasn't going to allow him to run off again, he could only hope that everything he jad done had been enough. 

"I wish I could change the way I look." He uttered in a soft, raspy voice. With his scarring and missing ear, there was no mistaking him. Getting rid of another ear wouldn't throw them off; nor would getting more scars. He couldn't change the colour of his pelt, either. "But...I'll....I'll stay. I won't walk back to the Caldera with you," He said as he pulled himself up. He was still quite wet, so it was easier then for him to disguise his scent by rolling in a soft, wet patch of mud along the bank. He still wasn't going to risk it. He shook his coat, locks of his fur sticking out in spikes from the mud and water. "But...I'll come back home."

She didn't know if she believed him. He wouldn't come back with her which meant, if he was lying, he could disappear without any trouble once she left him here. She'd have to trust that he meant it and that trust didn't come easily. She struggled with it.

If it weren't for her son, she might have said fuck it and gone for them anyway. It was so tempting to take this anger, the hurt and rage, and turn it on the ones who had caused all of this. Her own months without him, the fear he held, his current state. She'd carve it into their pelts before she ripped out their throats and be sure they knew the mistake they'd made. Fennec didn't remember ever truly wishing another creature dead, not with this intensity. But she couldn't risk the fact that she might not come home.... not when Bronco might choose the same.

Okay. She finally released the breath she was holding, and relaxed some. If she turned back now she wouldn't be able to follow him. She'd force herself to trust him and, if he refused to trust her back... she would be done. She wasn't a good enough wolf to wait for him, not longer than she already had.

She was guarded as she turned, but her gut clenched and her jaw tightened as she began to walk away. She didn't know why, but she suddenly knew that she wasn't going to make it back to the Caldera without needed to stop. Somewhere in Bramblepoint she'd lose her composure and whatever control she had, breaking down before she faced Killdeer again. She wouldn't let him, or anyone, see it.

If she were his only reason, she wasn't sure she'd ever see him again. She just had to hope Killdeer was reason enough.