Lion Head Mesa [ap] I'd rather have the right man, than the right wedding.

Once the ceremony concluded and the after-festivities began, Ruenna moved toward @Germanicus. She was hopelessly out of her element here, and she hoped she wasn't breaking any kind of rule by moving away from the position she'd been directed to by one of the coyotes. 

"Germanicus," she murmured, her words sticking in her throat. She was a bit overcome by the fanfare and the wild, exotic lavishness of her surroundings. "..I didn't realize your position here was one of such prominence," she finally emitted. Germanicus was clearly being treated not as a guest, but as a pack member of high regard. 

"Is this your home, now? Yours and Crowfeather's?" Ruenna tried to keep the skepticism from her expression, but she couldn't help but think that this place did not suit either Germanicus or Crowfeather in the least. This was never what she would have imagined for them, and Rue was baffled that they would choose this over the Caldera. However, Ruenna knew that Germanicus was a man of his word and a payer of his debts. If he felt he owed these people, that may explain why he remained.

germanicus listened.

ruenna was correct, of course. the eagle felt a shame flickering within him.

"crowfeather went into the mountains. the saints — caught him there."

"akashingo offered a place for him to heal. and ursus has given their healer. he will live. but he will need the stability of this place in order to complete his recovery. the queen herself has hardly left his bedside before today."

his yellow eyes found the soft, knowing shade of ruenna's own. a trade. his skill for crowfeather's continued treatment. yet it was not so noble against the extravagant backdrop of the mesa.

"but ironically enough, i have been asked to begin a military outpost in the sunspire. the intention is for permanent protection in this part of the teekon."

Ruenna understood. Although it was perhaps one of higher respect, Germanicus's position was not unlike that of the fellahin. Germanicus was bound to service here as long as Crowfeather was the recipient of their care and resources. 

"I'm glad Crowfeather has this place to safely continue his recovery," Ruenna murmured.  Her brow drew tight in an expression that betrayed something other than gladness, despite her words. "..And he is lucky to have you." That was a more truly heartfelt sentiment. She wished that she could offer the pair a similar arrangement within the Caldera, but they had no healers or caregivers who Ruenna could trust would be as reliable and attentive as the ones who attended Crowfeather here. 

"Permanent protection?" Ruenna echoed. "From the Saints?" Were they still at large somewhere in the Sunspires? Did Germanicus truly intend to have a permanent, enduring stake in this war? Why not take Crowfeather, once he was better, and just.. go? Hadn't that been their plan before all of this went down? 

"Command of an Akashingo outpost.. is that what you really want?" Ruenna asked, dropping the volume of her voice even further. Surely Germanicus's debt repayment to Akashingo didn't require his permanent service..?

he did not know how to explain his permanent feeling upon the war. or how crowfeather's wounds had affected him.

"from anyone who seeks to maim and murder and escape justice," the man answered quietly. but the sound of his own voice had begun to feel disingenuous. ruenna had looked beneath his words and found them wanting. 

the eagle was silent for a moment.

lady redfern had been as enduring and open a companion as he could have hoped.

"i am not sure crowfeather will be able to travel far, even after he heals."

the words hung hushed and ashen against the cloying laughter of the fellahin. "i do not want to be in akashingo. i loathe its excess."

a pause.

"but so long as crowfeather is here, i must be close. i thought that i would only remain here for the winter and take him east once spring had come. now i do not know."

germanicus fell silent. he cleared his throat. "you must forgive my words which are so bitter upon a wedding day, lady ruenna."

"Whose justice?" Ruenna nearly asked, but she worried she had already come across more challenging of Germanicus than was her intention. Furthermore, Germanicus already seemed oddly disconnected from the sentiment he had just expressed; it was as if they were someone else's words he merely echoed.

They sat in companionable silence for a moment, watching as the guests mingled and the fellahin flitted from group to group.

Germanicus extrapolated on Crowfeather's condition, and Ruenna opened her mouth to express her regret. But Germanicus continued speaking. He revealed his distaste for Akashingo, and Rue was relieved to hear that she had not been so off-base in her judgement of Germanicus's character. This was exactly the sort of luxuriance that she expected an austere soul like Germanicus to despise.

While Crowfeather and (by extension) Germanicus were tethered to the area, it made sense that they wished to tread carefully and refrain from burning bridges with Akashingo, even as they desired some measure of separation. Ruenna could see how this outpost had emerged as the best opportunity for them.

He apologized, and Ruenna wagged her tail in understanding. "A wedding is meant to be a day for love and joy," she agreed, "..But I've found that is mostly just true for the couples." Germanicus was not the only attendee feeling a little bitter. Weddings had a way of bringing out an array of emotions, and Ruenna herself witnessed the gathering of happy couples with a twist in her heart. The newlyweds were glowing. Teya and Reyes looked much more a pair than Towhee would have liked-- for this reason Rue was glad that her co-Sovereign had decided to skip out. Fellahin whirled about flirtatiously, lavishing attention upon any whose eyes lingered upon them.

Speaking of couples...

"Germanicus, what is Crowfeather to you, if I may ask?" It had only just dawned upon Ruenna that the pair may be more than simply mentor and mentee... perhaps the overload of gender and sexual fluidity she was currently witnessing had prompted her to consider the pair of auxilia in a new light.

ruenna was direct.

germanicus did not know why he was caught off-guard, and yet he was.

it showed for a milisecond of vibrance in his sun-yellow eyes. perhaps the self-deprecating chuckle gave it away as well. but he did not have an answer for her. he knew how he felt. and he had watched crowfeather look at him a thousand times. the shadow's gaze was never guarded.

he thought of the young wolf now, lying in the imperator's own room which had been made into a sickbay for the present.

"i thought i knew." he did not mean to be so open and yet he did. the relief of it was overwhelming. "it is not unheard of for a young fighter to want his instructor. and that was all i believed it to be. so i did not respond. and have not." there was some part of him uncomfortable with the age and skill that separated he and the shadow.

another pregnant silence. 

"but when i found him after the saints had done their work, i discovered that my own bias in the matter had been compromised." his voice was stoic. "i do not know who he is to me. or who he wishes to be," he reiterated. "i think it best that i do not."

a fellahin approached. germanicus recognized the man as sayf, the pale coyote with knowing golden eyes. he refused the offering of pungent berries offered by the man. ruenna was offered the same. the servant flicked his gaze over them both and drifted away gracefully. the eagle was grateful for the distraction. "crowfeather would enjoy seeing you. that is, unless the thought of going inside such a place is as daunting for you as it is for me." a wan smile played upon his lips.

Ah. So Crowfeather had made his heart known, and Germanicus had responded (appropriately, Ruenna thought) by drawing a boundary. Similar to Germanicus, Ruenna thought it likely that Crowfeather was merely confused by the depth of feeling he had for the mentor to whom he owed so much. 

After a long pause, it was Germanicus's turn to surprise Ruenna. He came across as a man who knew his own mind, and so Rue did not expect him to equivocate on the matter of Crowfeather when he next spoke. Although Germanicus was no longer certain of his own heart, he still seemed to believe his previous decision was the correct one. 

"I have been in Crowfeather's place, more or less," Ruenna responded finally. "For many years I followed one leader or the other, with only eyes for them and the pack I served. My heart could not be turned from my duty." She sounded regretful as she spoke. "It's only with age that I've realized my truest desire is retreating more and more out of reach." She swallowed. "I care deeply for the Redhawks. But I think I would give them up if I had to-- if it meant I'd have the opportunity to build a family of my own." 

Ruenna cut her gaze to Germanicus's features, wondering if she had struck her desired balance between significance and subtlety. She did not wish to come across as yet another person who wanted something from Germanicus. But if what she wanted was something he wanted too, well...

The fellahin chose that moment to interrupt with the berries, and Ruenna and Germanicus both seemed relieved. Rue followed Germanicus's lead and declined the berries, feeling certain that he knew the safest course of action in this bizarre situation. 

"I would enjoy that too," Ruenna responded, jumping readily at the suggestion they go see Crowfeather. She returned Germanicus's smile in camaraderie, feeling his description of the palace as daunting was entirely accurate.

ruenna spoke and he listened.

she commiserated with the feelings that crowfeather must be experiencing. germanicus felt somehow confirmed in her remarks. this must only be something allowed to pass. he could not indulge it. already he had harmed the shadow a great deal. had it not been against his order that crowfeather had gone to the sunspire?

the demeanour of the redfern changed. germanicus sensed at once a deep welling-up in ruenna. it was far more than she allowed it to be in this moment. 

he smiled softly, moving to her side and allowing the woman to use him as support. akashingo thronged around them. he recognized teya and the red wolf from the hunt. so it seemed they too had become one. the queen glided past with two maidservants in her wake. germanicus dipped his head respectfully at the catch of her azure eyes.

the open-air throne room yawned ahead. he led ruenna beneath the vast stone arches. here the sound was muted. and yet the imperator was aware that ears listened always in the mesa. "i am interested to know what you envision, ruenna," the eagle said when they were truly alone for a moment. his voice was low. 

she knew he was not a committed man. he was a wanderer. but it was not the role of husband she had offered. it was a request instead. and it was one that appealed even to the small surging of elegance left to the man. some way to settle the unsatisfied voice of his father.

crowfeather.

"you choose the hour of our discussion. now, while the pharaoh is distracted. or another time, when i might call upon you at the caldera again."

to the left was the small hallway with its single room. 

he was not yet ready to depart, to see the shadow, to feel the affectionate, wondering eyes upon him again.

germanicus did not deserve such sentiment.

Germanicus was intuitive as well as kind, quickly moving to offer comfort as Ruenna, in turn, revealed her own vulnerability-- or pieces of it. Germanicus had trusted her with the secrets of his own heart, and Ruenna knew she owed him her whole truth. Yet, the words caught it her throat before the pair were interrupted, and her courage to speak them had vanished completely by the time the fellahin sashayed back into the throng. 

The pair moved toward the palace, weaving through the party-goers with obligatory nods and murmurs of greeting. The new bride swept through, a vision of grace and beauty, and Ruenna's nerve further disintegrated. What could she hope to offer a man such as Germanicus? Her-- an aged, limping old maid. Why, she probably seemed just as old to him as Crowfeather appeared young. 

The hum of the crowd died away as they ducked into the throne room. Ruenna scarcely believed it when Germanicus asked to hear more. 

"Now, I think." No time like the present. Ruenna exhaled. "My vision was raising my children in the Caldera alongside a loving mate. This.. will be the re-vision." Her tail switched. She'd had chances in the past. Soltero. Mahler, perhaps. Either would have made an excellent husband. Ruenna had allowed both to slip away in favor of a higher loyalty. 

"A military outpost.." she breathed, brow furrowing. It was hardly the nurturing sanctuary she'd envisioned. Then again, she supposed children were raised in all sorts of places; some better, some worse. After a thoughtful pause, she nodded. Resolute. "It's not the ideal.. but I'd rather have the right partner than the right home." It was a truth she had learned the hard way. She met Germanicus's gaze. 

She'd be useful to him and his cause-- much moreso than she might have been whiling away her remaining years in domestic bliss. Of that much she was certain.

Just a cameo.

there were so many delights to be had here at the mesa, especially so with the addition of the rival families. that was the truth of it: the only reason jawahir could see for ramesses to invite these creatures to the mesa. he was flaunting himself. peacocking on his wedding day.

a fine day indeed.

they had witnessed the nuptuals and been visibly pleased by the transition of power, though in their heart of hearts, hearing satsu speak had wounded them. with that over and done with, jawahir could return to the easy job of entertaining, of charming, of luring and preying.

it was during these wanderings among the different groups that they caught sight of the roman. he had fallen for maggie once; now he cavorted with one of the visitors, a pale wolf, and at once the fellahin felt a spark of rage reignite.

they moseyed over, passing sayf with his berries, passing a mazoi who was loud and friendly to the extreme, and while laughing with him, pirouetted through the crowd to where germanicus and his new friend had been.

their trail led towards the corridor. deftly jawahir followed, only to be pulled aside by someone or something else, to play their part as entertainer, and when they looked again they could not see the elder man or the redhawk woman, and cursed softly to themselves.

germanicus had not expected ruenna's swift answer. 

he was contemplative. the eagle did not allow his face to betray a notion of his feeling, so great it was.

for the first time he allowed himself to think of crowfeather in a whole way. the sensation which followed went against the grain of the sort of nature he wanted to possess. and yet it was in this abrasion that it had not been a wound which opened but a road into an open and unplanned future.

germanicus was furthermore surprised to hear that ruenna was not offering him a place at her side in the caldera. that under the hypotheticals of this contract, she would come to his. he could not very well see her in the sunspire. but the eagle told himself he must not visualize any aspect of this. he revisited her vision in his mind.

his thoughts returned to the shadow. he forced himself to consider all reasons for it. 

"you would forgo love for what you desire." the imperator's voice was quiet. hers was not a choice made lightly. he did not need to tell her that he was not made for it. look now how crowfeather lay in his heart and germanicus turned his inner mind toward a place ahead that might not be the east.

the eagle loathed how the precise organization of a contract appealed to a mind built for structure. he looked at ruenna. "it would be a hard home, lady redfern." his voice was not meant to dissuade. "you understand how rugged a world it will be." the existence of men was hard. the presence of a woman might compromise that. he would consider what she had said in an objective way, inasmuch as he wished to bind himself to impulse. as if a yes might change the brooding self-awareness that had so lately come to him.

germanicus too knew he could make no choice until he found the direct words inside himself for the shadow.

"i would like to give you a decision now. but i cannot. the canyon is not a home. not yet." he felt it would be inappropriate to promise ruenna any such thing now, when the sunspire was only churned red mud and cold rock. and a boulder of a young fighter. "it is currently not a place for children or mothers."

germanicus felt his heart might break from his chest when he thought of crowfeather so near. the sounds of the wedding seemed to grow louder. "i have a great respect for you, ruenna. i am unwilling to compromise that by having nothing to offer in return." he felt she might understand.

he heard ramesses' laughter and stirred.

"You would forgo love for what you desire."

It was a heavy conclusion Germanicus had drawn, and it was not one that rang particularly true for Ruenna. Love does not disappear when challenged with a little distance.. at least not the kind of love that Ruenna shared with the Redhawks. Ruenna saw this as an opportunity to expand her family, not forsake it. Besides, the way things were currently going in the Redhawk Caldera, it was entirely possible that Rue would be bringing a few Redhawks with her if she ended up moving back to the Sunspires.

Germanicus touched on the ruggedness of his intended post, and Ruenna's eyes closed momentarily. Within the confines of her own mind, she argued silently, I've known hardship before. Few hadn't, and fewer still who had reached Ruenna's age. Ruenna's eyes opened when Germanicus spoke again, deferring his decision. That was acceptable; she had expected as much. What she had not expected was the intended location that Germanicus voiced. 

The canyon?  That certainly was a rugged location. Why not instead settle the vale? 

Understanding dawned quickly. The vale would be Ruenna's choice, of course, because her goal was to raise a healthy family. Germanicus's objective was to mold hardened soldiers, and so his choice of location would reflect that. The canyon was also a better choice in terms of routing through the Sunspires, if the aim was to keep an eye on the majority of the canine activity passing through the mountains. 

"It is currently not a place for children or mothers."

"Then it is fortunate that currently, I am neither." Perhaps it had been Germanicus's intention to imply, "It is currently not a place for children, mothers, or cripples."  Ruenna was acutely aware of her overt limp, signaling her weakness and inadequacy with every lurching step. Germanicus was kind to frame it otherwise, but Ruenna couldn't help but think that her disability was the true sticking point. 

Germanicus made his final argument, and Ruenna did understand. He was uncomfortable encouraging Ruenna to upend her own life, especially when he was uncertain of his own ability to actualize her dreams. It was Germanicus who did not understand. 

After the distant, raucous laughter died down, Ruenna spoke up with an admission. "The sun is setting on the Redhawk Caldera," Rue divulged. "We don't have the numbers to make it to winter, let alone through it." If Germanicus thought he had nothing to offer, he was very wrong. 

"Germanicus..." Rue began, inhaling deeply. She hated lending advice when it had not been outright requested, and so as she spoke, she watched his features for any sign that she should discontinue. "You say that you wish to be a force for justice, but there are so many varieties of injustice. Each kind requires a different intervention, but you intend to offer only one." Ruenna shifted a bit nervously. Despite her long history of advising leaders, the process of offering feedback was still uncomfortable.

"What if, in the course of balancing the scales, you find that you have need of a refuge for women or children? If your outpost cannot function as a sanctuary and a barracks, then you are fooling yourself to think it stands for anything other than warmongering." Ruenna's eyes were soft despite the criticism she delivered. 

"If it's not yet a home, let me help you make it one." Her volume dwindled as she concluded, and she turned away from him to signal that she was not expecting any immediate answer. He had already stated that he needed time to think it over, and Ruenna would respect that. Truly, she knew he was not capable of making such a decision now, when Crowfeather's condition was so uncertain.

hi i got carried away what an anamoly /s <3

the eagle was indeed aware of her limp. he wondered if she would have the ability to hold her own upon the jagged slopes. he wondered if she would command respect from the soldiers in his training. but only ruenna knew herself. only ruenna knew the strengths she possessed. he had come to understand that she had many.

the sun is setting on the redhawk caldera. this commanded a reaction from germanicus. it took the form of a quick blink. ruenna was planning her immediate future. the eagle must have an answer for her sooner than he realized. her profile reared beside him. she did not wait. she had accepted.

germanicus settled into their comfortable silence. his yellowpaint eyes watched the proceedings. he picked out the pharaoh. satsu. sabah. sayf. he looked toward arsenio who attended the queen. he saw how shoko kept himself close to the outskirts, describing a slow circle and keeping his own company.

akashingo was a powerful place. and it would always be a power which used him. had he not already allowed this to happen? ruenna had spoken to his ear as a voice of equity and peace. germanicus pulled her words back into his mind. it was true that he had envisioned one thing, and that it was force. might. even the appearance of soldiers might keep the saints from regrouping in the sunspire.

"how long have you been an advisor, lady redfern?" germanicus quipped softly. for the moment he had not yet collected the rest of his words. "the girl married off today as queen will struggle if she cannot guide that mad egyptian." his own words were gentle. they carried a dry humour that perhaps she might find cruel. but germanicus was only pragmatic. "she would benefit to learn from you."

ruenna had been correct. again.

he did not want to admit that mereo must be a home. it spoke to him of domesticity. and it was at this that he balked, for crowfeather had wanted the same. and now the shadow lay healing from an attack that germanicus had led him to seek. he had ordered the young seeker and crowfeather had done the opposite.

germanicus supposed that his inner resistance meant it was the truth.

the redfern's offer to create a home with him tensed his stomach. it was for many reasons. the least of which was not that he had already plotted a basilica and a forum within the canyon. the colliding sensations of this settlement with the one ruenna offered were altogether too much.

crowfeather came to his mind again. and then the plight in which ruenna found herself. but it was not pity she required. he would not insult her with a decision made upon this new awareness. "i am calling the canyon mereo. it means 'to serve as a soldier.' there are auxilia stationed there already."

his eyes shifted to the side of ruenna's face.

he had the beginnings. it was what germanicus meant to say. the cloud of his nature filled the edges of his mind. he thought for a spare moment of telling her what he knew now not to be torment but want. a singular, impossible want.

akashingo's loudness swelled. "we should take ourselves to crowfeather," he said wryly. "before long, the pharaoh will return to the mesa with his entourage. let us enjoy the quiet until then."

"How long have you been an advisor, Lady Redfern?"

Ruenna dipped her head abashedly at his quip; she recognized it not as a true question, but as a rhetorical rib meant to imply that she had overstepped. Chastised, she would remain quiet, reminded that advise which is not sought is rarely heeded. 

Ruenna was an intuitive creature, and she couldn't help but wonder if the words that Germanicus twisted into a backhanded compliment were meant to suggest that she would be better placed in Akashingo, in his opinion. She was feeling a little raw after baring her heart's desires to Germanicus, and perhaps overly sensitive as well, and so she took this as a dismissal. She went through the motions of nodding appreciatively at the "praise," but as she did so, behind her eyes a little spark of hope flickered out. 

"An auspicious start," she commented on Germanicus's description of his claim. Despite the seasoned ambassador's injection of the exactly-correct amount of animation, her voice would come off as sounding just a tad more flat. More detached. "Mereo will thrive under your command." More words.. just.. words. The banal tripe of diplomat. 

Life returned to her features at the mention of Crowfeather. "Yes, let's," she agreed, turning toward the chamber which, she assumed, sheltered the young man. 

<3 <3 <3