Duskfire Glacier Ommatik

The man had not spoken to Meerkat since they had returned to the glacier and been informed of the deaths that had taken place in their absence. Issorartuyok had been dutiful. He had journeyed to their borders to make sure they were freshened. He had met with both Heda and Veteran to further their learning and to learn more about them both. The northerner felt he had been fortunate with the two apprentices that had found him.

Issorartuyok had thought of Meerkat frequently. He had ruminated on her words, the words of her mother, and the conversation they had shared with each other in the dark forest. The northern man could not help but to picture young puppies, eager and born into a village that was made of family. It played in his head more often than he would have liked.

That day, he carried a meaty haunch in his teeth and searched for @Meerkat in the village territory. He wished to see her, wished to take her food and make sure that she was not suffering after the loss of Wintersbane and his mate.

She had been meaning to seek out Kukutux and Sialuk, as well as check out the general goings-on with their new, nomadic neighbors. But Meerkat hadn't felt well the past few days. Perhaps the recent trip, followed by the pack's tragedies, had worn down her immune system. It was just a bad cold, though it made her feel sleepy, sluggish and stuffed-up.

The sound of footsteps approaching in the distance roused her from where she was tucked inside a log near the edge of Bosk Iana, half-asleep. She yawned and blinked, wiping crust from her eyes. Slowly, she rose and pulled herself out of the makeshift den, shaking and stretching. Meerkat sneezed several times, which suddenly gave her back her sense of smell.

Her mouth watered as Issorartuyok stepped into view with meat clenched in his jaws. Meerkat smiled tiredly at him, offering a weak wave of her tail and a congested-sounding, "Well, hey there."

The young scout looked tired. Issorartuyok slowed his approach and dropped the haunch where she could reach it. He stepped back, showing that the food was entirely for her. To make this better known, he shuffled a bit and nudged the haunch forward.

Hello, Meerkat, I have been thinking of the words we shared, he greeted her with a small bow of his head. The man could feel his chest tighten, wondering if she thought differently of him, wondering if he had done something to make her feel differently. The thought of children still filled his mind, filled his spirit, and he could not help but to think of Lane’s words. To fill the glacier with young Tatkret wolves sounded like a dream to him.

How are you faring? After… the news. I do not know if you were close with the glacier man or his wife. I was certain you had given lessons to his children, though.

How were the boys? Arius and Ensio also weighed heavily on his mind. The northerner felt he had been placed in a difficult situation. He could not help but wonder if it was not better to uproot himself and his family to another territory. The mountains to the west had grown appealing to him. Issorartuyok had many thoughts in his head and little direction.

For some reason, his frank opener caught her a little off guard, though not in a necessarily unpleasant way. She dipped her head gratefully for the food, though her stomach filled suddenly with butterflies, promptly whisking away her appetite. Maybe she could imbibe once she heard what was on his mind, exactly.

Her eyes dropped to her feet when he mentioned the glacier's recent losses, then slowly climbed back up to his face. "I wouldn't say I was close to either of them, though I still feel some grief. Mostly, though, I'm concerned about their kids." Meerkat gnawed on her lip, thinking back on her recent encounter with Arius and Ensio.

Unaware that he was thinking exactly the same thing, the yearling shook her head and said, "We definitely need to talk about them. But between these tragedies and my cold, I could use something lighter first. Tell me what's on your mind," Meerkat requested in a quiet voice, hesitating for a beat before adding, "about us, I mean?"

Out of nowhere, anxiety seized her. What if what what he had to say wasn't good news? Meerkat swallowed thickly, ignoring the added ache in her already congested chest as her heart gave an apprehensive squeeze.

It was clear that he was troubled by the thoughts he had. When the man looked to Meerkat, he could not keep the stress from his features. The darkness of his face highlighted these things well. 

They are of the same, he said, referring to the boys and his thoughts of their previous conversation. Issorartuyok could not help but think that Ensio and Arius would allow their anger to control their decisions. It weighed on him in the memory of how young Ensio had stalked from the scene of the infected deer. The action had confused the northerner. Distressed him. 

I sought the word of the Moonwoman. She is good and wise. She said that if the boys were to continue with their path of anger, to let bad spirits inside of them, that I should remove them from the village. 

The northerner's gaze was intense on her. He searched for any sign, any shift in her features. 

I do not know that I could do such a thing. But if they wish to fight, I believe it would be better to leave and seek settlement elsewhere.

I wish to know if you would go, as well. If you wish to carry children, my children... they cannot be born with anger around them.

There was something rather exciting tucked in there with all the heaviness, though Meerkat could barely begin to process what Issorartuyok was saying to her. Who was the "moon woman," again? Whoever she was, Meerkat wasn't so sure about that advice. It kind of went against everything she stood for as a coach and therapist, as a matter of fact.

She didn't realize how much tension had gathered inside her until he went on to say, "I do not know that I could do such a thing." She felt a little shivery with relief. It was not a viable solution in her mind, though would she have had the gumption to stand against him if he hadn't shared her stance?

It didn't bear thinking about and, anyway, the next words out of his mouth wiped her brain blank. He talked of leaving, which made her stomach sink horribly. Meerkat made a strangled noise in her throat, a sort of unwitting protest. Then he said something that struck her absolutely dumb.

Her eyes began to water as the weight of everything settled on her pale shoulders. Her breath felt harsh and Meerkat found she needed to take a seat before her trembling legs went out. Her mind scrambled to make sense of it as she felt a bit like Issorartuyok was upending the life she'd so carefully built here.

"That was not lighter," she huffed with an edge of hysterical laughter in her voice. But Meerkat took some breaths, trying to ground herself, as her gaze captured his. "I'm not going to give you an answer without really giving this some thought. That would be disingenuous to us both."

She tried to focus on the good news amidst the upheaval: he was talking about having children with her! Only the more she thought about it, the less it actually felt good. She felt like they were skipping a pretty important step here, several of them. What about courting? And becoming mates? Meerkat wanted a bit of romance and a lot of commitment if they were really going to talk about her carrying his children... and abandoning her responsibilities to her charges here.

Despite what she'd just declared, she found herself saying, "There is another question I would need you to ask before I could give you an answer." Even as the words slipped free, Meerkat wasn't sure they were the right ones to say. Was she even expressing herself correctly? Did Issorartuyok understand what she was trying to say? Did she know what the hell she even meant by that?

Meerkat did not appear pleased by his words, which left him feeling as though he had stepped out of place and had assumed too much. Issorartuyok did not understand fully. The young scout had declared that she felt things for him, and he had stated that he had been sharp to keep his own feelings in check. The more he thought back to their previous talk, the more he felt that they had not actually accomplished anything with it.

The girl seemed to dwell in this idea that more was required. The eldest Tatkret did not.

Issorartuyok was a man who came from people who spoke their minds and shared the feelings that weighed on their chest. They existed as a cohesive unit that supported each other. In the village of his homeland, when two wolves sought to make a life together, it was not done so with careful tiptoeing or tight-lipped longing. If two wolves sought to build a life, they would declare it and then they would set to work to make it happen.

Was this not what they had discussed, in a way?

Meerkat seemed to believe that he needed to ask her another question before she could give him any answer. Issorartuyok stared at her, uncertain and flustered. The dark brown in his eyes shifted from her features to the distant woods and then to the mountains. It was an expression of a man who was searching for the answer – what was he supposed to ask?

Another question?

The man blinked and tilted his head at her.

Are… you well on this day to discuss important matters, Meerkat?

That must have been it.

The expression on his face filled her with immediate regret. "I'm sorry," she said quickly, talking over him by accident. She frowned apologetically and let him finish before adding, "That came out wrong."

"Are... you well on this day to discuss important matters, Meerkat?"

"That's a valid question," she said. "I don't think my head's in the greatest place right now. And I've had this awful cold for days. But if you can bear with me, then I would like to talk about this, yes. You asked me to share my feelings more and that's what I'd like to do."

Meerkat did not feel nearly as confident as her words might sound on paper. She felt a little shaky still. Her heart thumped so hard against her ribs, it made her whole frame quake. Her head and chest felt full of gunk, to boot. Somehow, though, she managed a small, shaky smile for him.

The scout said that it was a valid inquiry, but Issorartuyok did not believe that it was the question she had wanted him to ask. He leaned toward her with interest. The man’s expression was unreadable, but he wanted to be certain that Meerkat was alright, that she was fed and tended to after the loss of the leaders she had known.

The girl went on to say that she’d been struggling with feeling ill. Issorartuyok nodded his head slowly, understanding. It was difficult to continue about one’s day when they were plagued with sickness. He could not blame her for feeling out of sorts, or for reacting the way she had to his questions. It was a large load to drop on her under such short notice.

I am a patient man, he stated calmly. But I am a direct man, as well. These matters are important. If there is a future for us, if there are to be children, I feel we must discuss, yes? Issorartuyok looked to her then, for he still believed that he was treading on unfamiliar ground.

Once more, her excitement over the prospect of children with Issorartuyok was tempered by some apprehension at the way he approached the subject. It occurred to her that he was speaking in businesslike terms. He said he wanted a discussion and despite feeling under the weather and downtrodden by recent events, the yearling felt something surge up inside her.

"Yes. The thought of children with you," Meerkat said, "it's exciting. But we're putting the cart before the horse, aren't we? I told you I have feelings for you and I guess, in my mind, the next step would be courting and eventually becoming mates. That's what I meant when I mentioned a question. If you want to be with me, and have children with me, I'd want you to ask me to really be with you: be your wife."

Did that make sense? She felt some doubts, not just about her articulation but also the broader situation. If they committed to one another, did that mean she would agree to what he asked of her? Or would Meerkat still want to try to make a life together work here at the glacier? Surely there were other avenues to explore to resolve the matter.

He'd said himself he would rather leave than try to push out the former Alphas' children. There must be some middle ground, though. Arius and Ensio had only just lost their parents. They needed the pack's support, and some time to lick their wounds. Nobody should be making any huge decisions in this mindset, Meerkat thought.

Maybe he could end up passing leadership of the pack to its original heirs, but on peaceable terms. Then Meerkat would more than likely gladly follow Issorartuyok, especially if they were mated. She would hate to leave the glacier but if they all parted on good terms, well, that was something. They could settle somewhere nearby and establish another alliance. That thought was actually quite pleasing to the ambassador, even though it would still mean uprooting.

She supposed she should voice some of these thoughts knocking around her skull like frantic hummingbirds. But Meerkat remained mum, giving the man a chance to speak about their more intimate matters.

I see. He did not.

Issorartuyok shuffled a bit, suddenly finding himself keenly aware of his own weight upon his legs. Meerkat wished for him to court her beyond the shared desire to make a family? To have a home together. The northerner was not certain that he knew what something like that would look like. All this talk of carts, horses, questions that needed to come before she could act or talk on the matter. It left him feeling as though he was not sharing the same ideal, at all.

What would that look like to you?

For the northern man, he desired a common ground and that was all. Many times, marriages in his home village were arranged matters. It was something that two parties did with care, but still managed to do with some sense of ‘business’ and directness. When he had been no more than a yearling, just starting to itch for exploration, his mother had told him she’d found him a woman who would make a lovely wife.

They’d had nothing in common, and so he had left his home village in search of something better.

Many times, women were promised as wives to men of my village without such things. I do not know what courting would look like. I do not know for how long you would like this to happen.

Issorartuyok sighed. It was a heavy sound that filled the air between them with the density of their conversation. When he drew his sights to her, he offered a smile.

If we were a man and woman of my home village, my mother would already be making you pelts and teaching you the ways of a northern wife. The man found that he missed her. He wanted his children to know their mother and father as a strong couple, a force that could not be broken. Was this an ideal that Meerkat might share? Issorartuyok did not know how to ask her. He was not sure of his words, not in this regard, and not when he felt he had misstepped so many times already.

"What would that look like to you?"

It was a fair enough question. Everyone had their own notions of romance, didn't they? She tried to think of what sorts of romantic gestures she might like from him. Meerkat couldn't help but think of the time when Atlas had planned a picnic for the two of them. They hadn't had many other opportunities for amorous displays and it suddenly hit her that she didn't know many couples to emulate.

His deep timbre broke into her thoughts. He pressed her for an explanation of what she wanted, as well as a timeline. The statement was followed by a sigh. Although he smiled a moment later, Meerkat got caught up in the heaviness of that sound. She skin began to feel hot and tight as something unpleasant unfurled in the pits of her stomach.

"That sounds like a... a business transaction," Meerkat whispered to herself. It also smacked of sexism, not overtly but enough to set off some alarms in the back of her mind."I want to be in love," she said a bit more loudly, "and build a life and family as equal partners in love..."

She paused for several moments to gather her thoughts before continuing, "I told you I don't need any grand romantic gestures. And I don't. But I want you to want me, to want to hold me close; and kiss me; and whisper sweet nonsense to me. I want you to tell me you love me and want to be with me and only me, forever. Is it cheesy? Yes, very. But that's what I want. No. That's what I need."

Meerkat needed to take a couple breaths before concluding, "And I told you, the last thing I want is for you to force yourself to do these things. If you don't want to do them, I need you to tell me that. You said you were holding back your feelings before. But what about now? You don't need to hold them down now anymore—you said that—so tell me how you feel about me. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear, tell me how you really feel."

Love is something that builds. It can come from the smallest things. Do you not think that as you build a family in a home that is shared and protected that love would grow? How can it not?

Issorartuyok did not want for his frustration to bubble over, not like the last time. He believed he had spoken too frankly with her, and she had been panicked, or bothered in some way. The northerner was even less in-tune with others’ emotions than he was with his own. He needed to speak on it, to share it in words that he could understand and process.

I can give you good things. I am a strong protector. I am honorable. I am a good man who will build a good home. I will be a good father. Surprisingly, he thought of Veteran. The words of the Moonwoman flooded his mind and he wanted to know if Meerkat would not be pleased with these items. How could it be that he could offer so much, and she could say that it was not enough? That she needed more of him, that she needed him to perform in ways he did not believe he would ever. Issorartuyok was softer than he appeared. He displayed his love in actions that were small and consistent, but never in the way she described.

As Meerkat talked, he realized just how different they were. That he could likely never give her the things she desired. Issorartuyok could not whisper nonsense, or speak it normally, or conjure it in his mind. What sort of things did she want him to say to her in these instances? Could he do so without spoiling the moment?

I do not know if I am made to be that way. His eyes shifted from her and fixed on the ground.

The northern man had not anticipated that this was where their talk would lead.

It is not a matter of want. You would be a good wife. You are skilled and you are kind. You tend to the children with care. You are loyal to your village. You have goodness in you that shows in what you do. These are all facts. What is it to want when I know these things?

Her whole body flushed with warmth after she finished. Meerkat once again found herself wondering if she had expressed herself properly. But she couldn't afford to fret about it now, as it was his turn to speak. She literally leaned toward him, hanging on every word that came out of his mouth. Her heart pounded in her chest, making her whole body throb. Other than a sniffle here or there, she was deathly silent.

His words gave her hope. Maybe he wasn't in love with her now, though he was open to that sort of thing growing between them. Although it stung a little, Meerkat could accept that. She wondered how it would turn out if they decided to commit to one another this very day. Would it turn out the way he said: would their love grow, as long as they put in the effort to foster a good relationship? Could she handle that? Take a risk? Again?

But when Issorartuyok said, "I do not know if I am made to be that way," it was like someone dumped a bucket of ice water over her head. That was the clarification she needed, though certainly not the one she wanted. He went on to tell her she would make an ideal wife, yet he tellingly left out anything about the intimate bond between the two of them, an ideal she cherished and he failed to mention. None of what he said really involved his feelings at all.

Meerkat knew she deserved what she wanted. She shouldn't settle. She didn't want a repeat of her heartbreak over Atlas. Eliminating a possible future with Issorartuyok would hurt her deeply, though it was better to break things off before they even got started, wasn't it? Every cell in her body rebelled. She even began to shiver, her teeth chattering, but Meerkat mustered up her gumption.

She meant to say it clearly and with strength, though it came out as a shaky whisper. "I think we want and need different things, things we can't give each other. And that... sucks." Now she had to fight not to start crying. "But it is what it is. And we," Meerkat concluded, practically choking out the words now, "we're both good people, we deserve better than to settle for anything less than exactly what we want."

Ah, so it would not be enough.

Issorartuyok felt his gaze fall from her, fixing on the ground at her paws. The man’s dark ears splayed slightly atop his head. The girl was young, and she wanted a romance that he could not offer her, something that he could not give. The northerner did not understand, and part of him ached at the thought that she may have arrived at her decision before that moment. If he was not enough for the glacial scout, the man thought it would be difficult to find others who would see him as a man worthy of being a husband.

For the first time since he had left home, Issorartuyok felt sad.

I see, he spoke quietly, lowering his head and turning his muzzle from her. There was little pride to be had in such moments. The puff of his chest had fallen. The man’s broad shoulders sagged.

I am sorry that it was not enough, scout Meerkat.

Issorartuyok did not wish to remain there. He turned his muzzle back to her to offer a small nod and then he moved to exit. The weight of their words hung on his chest. It felt as though there was a glacier inside of him.

Part of her hoped Issorartuyok would abruptly change tack at this critical moment, pressing against her and declaring his undying love. Of course, that was absurd. Besides, that wasn't who he was and much as Meerkat pined for it, she knew he shouldn't change for her, just like she shouldn't change for him.

When he turned and left, she wanted to call after him. Instead, Meerkat's shoulders shook as she let the heartache subsume her. It left her a mess, inside and out, and as soon as she had the presence of mind for it, she crawled into the nearest hole to die.