Redsand Canyon I don't know the half of it anymore

for @Aquene
set for the 18th if that's okay
late evening, 25 F, foggy

Sleep had been impossible. Kallik had finally given up trying and set to work patrolling instead. Work allowed him to clear his mind and maybe with a quiet head, he could get some rest.

But it hadn't worked. The turmoil that simmered in his chest had apparently been even too much for his normal avoidance techniques. For a while, he wandered around with his torturous feelings and thoughts until he couldn't stand it any longer. He wanted to scream and cry at the same time. But he would do neither of those things; then he might actually be dealing with his emotions. 

He hadn't even realized his wandering had led him to the medicine den. It smelled of the healer and her many plants; it eased the pressure in his chest some. But he was unsure what to do when he realized where he was. The auxillary stood outside the entrance for what felt like hours and then he released a heavy sigh and started to turn around. He should just go.

Aquene was restless, though it was not uncommon. She filled her den with the buds of lavender she could find and prayed for the best but it still did not help soothe her mind as it once had. Instead she was up, bustling around as she recounted her stores, trying to weave through the mental calculations of what might happen if someone returned to her injured and what it likely meant for the pack until Spring. She would be much more at ease when the snow and biting temperatures that choked life faded.
 
At first, she hadn’t caught his scent… it wasn’t until her ears perked at the sound of a heavy sigh that she made her way through to the mouth of the den, her head tilted to the side as the soft tenor of her voice escaped into the air to bridge the space between them. “Kallik?” Her voice was soft, and confused. It looked… somber? She wasn’t entirely sure what the tension in mis muscles spoke to. “Is everything okay?” She asked, a hint of concern in her voice as she made her way closer to him.

The soft sound of her voice made him pause. She must have finally realized he was there. Honestly, he was glad she had; it might have been the only way he would ask for what he really needed. 

There was obvious concern in her voice when she spoke again; it felt strange, like a mixture of warmth and panic. He wanted to tell her was fine and apologize for disturbing her before turning away again to leave. But he also needed to share some of the weight of his emotions with someone he trusted, even if only for a short time. 

He was obviously frozen with indecision. He looked between her and the fog in the distance a few times while he tried to decide how he would answer her.

Um—I don't know— the auxillary finally said as he shook his head. Not really. The admission quiet. His shoulders sagged a little in defeat. He knew he wanted to talk but he couldn't make himself ask for it. His fear was a weakness. Shame stung painfully in his chest.

He seemed to freeze at the sound of her voice, and for a moment she let the silence linger over them as he looked between her and his exit. Perhaps she should let him make his own decision, but something pulled at her gut whether it was her concern or morbid curiosity she could not be certain… she opened her maw to speak again, but instead the words came out. She raised a brow as she continued to look him over.
 
It seemed like he did know, whether or not he wanted to say was a completely different story. Still, he sagged and collapsed inward on himself as she made her way over slowly to him, giving him a light nudge towards her den. “Come inside. Let’s talk about it.” She cooed softly, worried about what could possibly be going on to have him so down. He was always quiet, and usually pretty broody… but this was something else. This was somber, it was defeat and she knew that to be very unlike him.
 
She would get to the bottom of it, and true to her nature she would do the best she could to mend. Time healed all wounds, but sometimes she could speed the process up a little bit.

About the time the shame reached an unbearable intensity in his chest, he felt the soft nudge she offered him. And her soft words had him looking up from the ground to find her gaze. 

He only nodded his acceptance before walking inside the medicine den. It was as he had remembered it; warm and comforting. The scent of the healer and her plants was much stronger in the cave; it soothed the jagged edges of shame. But then sadness settled in his heart where the shame had been before. Despair was all he could feel then, and it was so strong that he was unable to keep the pain from his face as he sat down on the same pelt he had slept on the last time he had been here. 

Thank you, he told her, looking at everything but Aquene. Eventually he did meet her gaze, when he realized he would have to explain himself. Um, I've been gone on a scouting trip, he started. He swallowed. For some reason, I decided to visit where I was born since I was over there. He paused; if he continued on, he would not be able to hide anything, and he had to decide if he could handle it. 

He remembered how genuine her concern had been outside. Again, he was reminded that she was kinder than he deserved. He also decided he didn't have to worry about whether or not she would judge him. My brother was there, at our mother's grave. All this time I thought he was dead. The truth he had learned started to burn inside him, feeding the sadness. And I thought my father was dead. But really he took my brother and left the rest of us. And then Valette had died and his family was gone—dead, he thought. My dad chose to leave me, he told the healer. His heart started to race and his breathing became erratic. There was a lump stuck inside his desert-dry throat. He could only look at her then, unsure what emotions were bleeding into his expression.

He didn’t offer any words in response, only a nod and she watched him as he entered the den. It felt like the very presence of the herbs she layered about seemed to bring him some peace… but she could sense the sadness as she settled down next to him, her concerned eyes never leaving him despite his gaze finding it’s way anywhere but in her direction. She could not force him to talk, but she could encourage it. She was no mindweaver, it had not been a specialty she had wanted to seek out, but sometimes all a wolf needed was an ear to listen.
 
He thanked her, her ears perking slightly as a kind smile found her features. “It’s no problem.” They were friends. Friends were there for each other… at least, she thought they were friends. He started to explain, her head tilting slightly to the side at the mention of a scouting trip. He was not injured, so whatever it was had not affected him physically, at least not in that sense. Where he was born. A sense of dread found her stomach, but not for herself, for him. She could not imagine returning to her homeland after so long, nor would she want to.
 
A brother. But that was good news, right? Until he continued, a frown found her features, the shock in her eyes prevalent along with the sadness she experienced on his behalf. The man had chosen a single son and ran? There were many words she could use to describe him: coward, for one. “Try and breathe for me, Kallik. Close your eyes, draw a deep breath in and hold it for a second… and then slowly let it go.” Before she could even begin to offer words of comfort, she needed him to calm. She rose, quickly plucking one of her few remaining lavender talks as she brought it over to him, hoping it would help ease the anxiety that has his ribcage shifting erratically. “Try breathing this in.” He needed to process, but first, he just needed a friend. “Let it out… these feelings, it’s not good to keep them in.” She assured him. Her den was a safe space for him and always would be.

For a few minutes, he was unable to process her words. The only thing he was aware of was the gaping, black pit in his chest that threatened to break him into a million pieces. His breathing became shallow and he felt light headed. He thought he might pass out but then a scent broke through—Aquene and something else, a plant that may have been in the collective scent of the den before but was much more noticeable now. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath as she had instructed. 

He came to as she was telling him not to hold his feelings in. But he didn't know any other way to deal with them. It was always this cycle of avoid until it was too much and then crumble beneath the weight, then back to avoid again. The only difference this time was that there was someone here to witness his weakness. Before now, he had always been alone when he felt this way. Not that he wasn't thankful for her presence; it was the complete opposite. 

Still one thought haunted him. I don't know what I did, he finally said. If I had known, I would have tried— his words fell away. He couldn't finish the sentence. All he could do was try to accept the fact that he had not been enough.

I'm gonna be slow because of school? No, because the feelings are just calling too damn strong cries in my corner of love for Kallik

She felt relief when he managed to pull a deep breath in, the way that he managed to take her order and breathe in deeply, watching as he exhaled. Anxiety was a vicious cycle, but mixing such a thing with pain… it was hard. She had remembered feeling that way through the betrayal of her own father, wanting to marry her off to the brutish warrior who likely would have only let her live long enough to finish nursing his first son. It stung, a father’s betrayal, not that her father had ever truly been one for her. He had been too focused on his male heirs.
 
The thought lingered in the air when he spoke, sympathy in her eyes as she gave him an answer that she knew he wouldn’t like to hear. “Sometimes, there’s nothing you can do.” She settled down next to him, offering him a soft nuzzle meant to comfort. “Sometimes, the fault doesn’t lay with you at all… Kallik, the fault lies with him. He could not see you for who you were. That is his flaw, not yours.” She had not known him long, but she thought his father crazy for picking up one son but leaving one such as him behind. It didn’t seem right, not with the staunch loyalty, determination, and grit he carried with him. She admired him for that. “If he could not see your worth the way I see it, or the way the Imperator sees it… then he was not worthy of your love or presence to begin with.” And she meant that, wholly.

omggg i know what you mean XD

Sometimes, there's nothing you can do. He knew the truth of her words, but he placed the blame on himself where she placed it on his father. She nuzzled him, and he leaned gently into the touch, releasing a soft sigh. 

She continued to speak calmly, and he found the tone to be soothing, even if he wasn't quite sure he could believe her words. She told him the fault wasn't his—that she saw his worth, and the imperator saw it too. He supposed Germanicus wouldn't continue his training if he didn't think he was worth the time or effort. As for what worth Aquene could possibly see, he had no idea. 

He wanted to believe her words, and it was easy to let the relief of hearing them alleviate the painful sadness that lingered. You are too nice to me, he told her, his voice a little hoarse from his dry throat. I don't know how to take your words, he admitted a second later. It's difficult not to blame myself. It was what he had always done and it was hard to see things differently.

In her mind, the blame belonged solely on his father and the events that had caused his father to select one child and flee to begin with. There was nothing he could do otherwise to convince her that the contrary was true.
 
She knew these thoughts were hard to believe. Her opinions maintained logic from the outside world, but the mind was so much more complicated than simply obeying logic. Sometimes, the reckless path was the one easiest to follow. She tilted her head slightly when he insisted that she was too nice before shaking her head. “No, I am simply offering you the kindness you’ve deserved all along but others have been too cowardly to give you.” She offered in return.
 
His throat was dry and soon she was going to have to find him water or recommend relocating temporarily to the oasis to assist with that. She didn’t have any honey on hand due to the nature of the season. “It is difficult because a figure who was supposed to love and protect you failed at his job. It’s hard not to blame yourself for that but wholly it is his problems that led to that. It is nothing you did.” She would help defend him from the worst demons a wolf could ask for: the ones that lived in their own head. He simply deserved better than the shitty cards he had been dealt.

He was quiet as he considered her words. To some extent, they did bring him some relief. And it made sense that his father would hold at least some of the blame; maybe that was why Kallik had always been so angry with him, or at least part of the reason. 

Still, even with the soothing nature of her words, the auxillary struggled to believe it completely. There was still a voice in the back of his mind that kept pointing out that maybe she just didn't really know him. Maybe she thought he deserved more than he actually did. It was hard to know which one held the truth. He had spent so much time listening to the hurtful voice in his head, and it was hard to peek outside the darkness of his mind and see that life could be different. 

Kallik sighed and closed his eyes, his head and shoulders drooping. The emotional episode had taken a lot out of him. He was a raw nerve now, one that was, thankfully, soothed some by the healer's presence. 

I'm sorry to dump all of this on you, he finally said, giving no indication as to how he truly felt about her words. I don't usually share these things with anyone but I felt like I couldn't hold it in anymore. He hesitated a moment before lifting his head and looking over at her. When I knew I needed to get all of this off my chest, you are the only one who felt safe to me. A big admission for the usually reticent soldier, but Aquene seemed to negate his icy walls.

She just wants him to love himself -cries more-

Despite her repeating herself on this topic, she recognized that it would simply take time for him to believe it. She would not hesitate to be there in order to remind him that he was worth more than what other wolves made him to be in his own mind. She saw that, and she was certain Germanicus and Ruenna saw it as well. The Imperator could have never recruited him, or driven him out after his misstep with a woman, but he did neither. Instead, he remained here to continue training. That had to count for something on the man’s views of Kallik, right?
 
Ultimately, his own self-worth was for him to decide. It was her job to remind him of the worth that others placed on him, and remind him that it was higher than he gave himself credit for. He closed his eyes and his shoulders dropped and she simply watched as he took it all in and recovered from the way the emotions had consumed. Sometimes, emotions were more taxing than any amount of physical labor could be. She shook her head at his apology. “It’s no problem. I am glad you feel comfortable coming to me with this.” Truly, she was touched that his trust in her was so high. “It’s not good to hold it in… if you do, it’ll affect your job, and it’ll consume your thoughts until you don’t know which way is up anymore.” She had personal experience with it from after her mother died, though perhaps she should take her own advice sometime and open up to another about this.
 
Aquene smiled softly at his words, offering him another soft nuzzle meant to comfort. “This den, these walls, and my ears are a safe space, Kallik. I’m here whenever you need to vent, and to remind you that you are more than what others have made you believe. I see it, and eventually I promise you’ll see it too. It’s not something that can be fixed overnight… it can be a bit of a journey.”

She was definitely right about one thing: letting this all fester would have definitely affected his work. He was thankful he had her to talk to. The emotions had felt like they might consume him from the inside out; it had been unbearable. 

She nuzzled him again, and this time, Kallik rested his head on top of hers if she would allow it. Her words plucked at something deep inside his heart; she saw more in him than he saw in himself. He didn't even understand how. The ever present shame within him suggested that she would see him for who he was eventually and would change her mind—he pushed the thought away, something that was easier to do while soaking in her calming presence. She was even convinced he would see more of himself, and even though he wasn't so convinced, he offered a slight smile. How do I fix it? he asked. He would at least give it a try. 

*sobs* she is an angel

She was glad that she could be there for him. Being a soldier took tolls on the mind that outsiders could never understand. Aquene herself did not fully understand as she’d had the luxury of never stepping into such a role. The strict regiment instilled certain thoughts, and rule breaking brought the worst mental punishments in addition to the physical… it made them effective, but at a cost. Combat had caused terrible side effects, nightmares that would linger for days, driving wolves to insomnia, times where they couldn’t remember they weren’t in the fight anymore.
 
She had seen so much, and her goal was to spare the soldiers in Mereo of the same fate, to help them in ways that they had never been allowed before perhaps. He rested his head atop hers and she let her eyes close for a second, the presence comforting as he simply processed what she had said. It was, perhaps, unsolicited advice, but in her den she found that unsolicited advice was usually the most needed as well… and she would not let herself regret giving it in the first place.
 
The question came and she shifted slightly to look at him. “Time… reminding yourself that your past demons don’t define you, that other’s actions are not your fault, and working to be the wolf you want others to see in you… it requires being at peace with yourself and coming to terms with the circumstances you’ve had to live through… it is not easy… I myself have not managed it yet… but it is a path worthy looking down.”

I'm having an emotionnnnnnnn

It would take time and trying to combat the parts of his mind that told him he wasn't worthy of acceptance or kindness. And he would have to learn to accept what had happened to him—that part would be much harder, especially because he worked very hard to never think about any of that shit. 

He looked down to meet her gaze, his own soft and understanding. She had said she was still trying to learn all of these things too, and concern drew his brows together. If anyone deserves kindness and to know they are worthy, it is you, he told her. The knowledge that she had to work at these things too made his chest tighten. I, uh, will not be nearly as good of a listener as you are, but you can also talk to me, he paused and then added: If you want to. Maybe she thought he was too broken to listen and help her feel better, and maybe he was; he would still try, though, especially for Aquene. He rested his head on hers again. Maybe we can help each other.

Repression of what had happened had worked for a time… but as the long year of solitude had dragged on after she’d fled the Trail… it became harder to ignore. It lingered in the back of her mind, left her with many sleepless nights as well. He could perform busywork to keep him at bay, but then he would never have any time to simply stop and breathe. She’d found it was an important aspect of life.
 
Her eyes softened, thankfulness in her eyes lingered at his kind words. It reminded her of the fact that he didn’t know about the things she had done. He didn’t know about the ways she had failed either. All of the wolves in Mereo trusted her to do right by them, to treat them… but the fact remained that she had failed once before with the wolf she had been closest to in life.
 
Her chest tightened at the idea of talking, and it was then that she broke their gaze, instead glancing at the ground with a soft frown on her features. “I’ve been told I’m a good listener… but I’m afraid I’m not very good as a talker as a result.” She admitted shyly, almost curling into herself as a result. “I don’t even know where to begin.” She confessed softly, letting the words linger within the walls of the cave she had so desperately clung to in order to avoid her own past.

It made sense that she wasn't given many opportunities to talk about her own stuff. He supposed being a healer meant that others often trusted her with their problems, like he had. But he thought it wasn't right that she didn't have the same in return. 

She seemed a little uncomfortable at the prospect of sharing her own past. He watched her look around, breaking their eye contact. He could almost feel her distress over the idea of sharing. His chest tightened again. 

She said she didn't even know where to start. Kallik touched his nose to her cheek if she permitted the affection. The beginning maybe? he suggested. But if it's too painful to talk about, that is okay too. He didn't want her to feel pressured.

She allowed herself a moment to get lost in her own head. Somewhere behind all of the logic and reason she offered others was a section of her mind overflowing with emotion, her judgement clouded by it in that moment. Once again her expression softened as he touched his nose to her cheek, the action snapping her back into the present as he suggested the beginning. She let out a soft sigh in return. Where did the beginning even begin? She supposed that was what she needed to figure out next, so instead she took his advice.
 
She started at the very beginning. “I was born in a pack called Cold Stone Trail… it was much like Mereo is, except Germanicus is fairer than my father was. The pack served at his pleasure, my mother included.” There had been moments of whims leading to major changes in ranking. Merit, while important, was not what made the ultimate decisions. “My brothers passed in battle… my father was a warmonger and often sought conflict… and my mother, she fell ill from the grief and complications giving birth to my younger siblings… I tried, I tried… I did everything I could. I used every remedy I could remember her teaching me but…” The silence lingered for a moment as the grief crept into her voice. She would never forget that night. “With the loss of his mate, he needed to look at the future… my father was cold, and there had been no tears shed for her. Like she was just disposable, someone to patch him up and bare his children.” She had never allowed herself to be angry like she was. “He no longer had that, and he chose not to remarry so in some way I supposed he cared… but his oldest, the only one of age to take over, was a woman. A woman wasn’t allowed to lead, not so long as he drew breath…” She explained, even now the idea that she might be lesser due to her gender lingered in the back of her mind, even if she never voiced it. It influenced her actions, her doubts… she wished it wouldn’t. Flashes of the blood rushing from wounds… the front lines had not been pretty.
 
“That meant I was expected to marry, to take my mother’s place, with a warrior of my father’s choosing to be my husband…” She trailed off quietly, finding herself subconsciously tucking against him as if closeness to him would keep her safer from a man who no longer had any power over her.

He was quiet as she began to tell him of her past. She had lived under a warmonger father. She had been fitted with the job of trying to heal her mother; the guilt in her words then was palpable. His chest tightened. Aquene thought it was her fault her mother died. He knew nothing about healing, but he knew she would have done everything in her power to help her mother; if she died anyway, then it was likely there was nothing else the healer could have done. As someone who lived with guilt and shame over his past every day, he knew how easy it was for the negative emotions to cloud your logic. 

He couldn't stop the anger that burned in his chest when she mentioned her father forcing her into a marriage she didn't want. She tucked into him, and he curled protectively around her, sensing that she needed the comfort. It took a few breaths to steady his temper, but he finally asked: Where is this man now? he asked. And your father, where is he? If either were alive and came looking for Aquene, they would have to get through all of Mereo first. Kallik liked those odds.

Aquene could not help the wolf she had become; she could not help the way her father had made her to be. She had not known any different, not until she was out on her own. Others had mothers and fathers to teach them of these tricks, but her father had been a man of trickery himself who had not thought to protect his daughters, only sell them out like they were nothing… they were thoughts she had pushed down for so long, and bringing it all to the surface was opening the floodgate that she had been fighting to keep closed.
 
He curled around her and in that moment she felt safe. It was something she had never truly felt, even within the confines of Mereo that had soldiers willing to fight to protect her. Perhaps that was why Ruenna’s offer to enlist as their healer had been so appealing to her, something she had never considered before. The questions came after a few breaths and she whined at first, not offering a verbal answer before the silent and timid voice unlike the usually poised healer came. “I don’t know.” She admitted. “When I ran I never looked back… I simply kept running.” The only problem was now she had stopped running, she had made a home in a pack she had come to care for greatly… and she didn’t know what the consequences of that would be, if any.

This was a side of Aquene he had not seen yet. And although he appreciated her willingness to open up to him, he was also filled with rage over the fearful whine she released in response to his question. These men had put fear and guilt in her strong heart, and Kallik wished he could hunt them down and eliminate them just so she would never have to worry again. 

She had run from them, as most would have done in her situation, and now she lived with the uncertainty of the future and the fact that they might find here. I'm sorry, he murmured. I won't let them touch you, he promised her, his voice stern. And neither will the rest of Mereo. He tightened further around her. And you are learning how to defend yourself. If they came here, they would not find the same woman that left. This was the real Aquene, Kallik knew that beyond a doubt.

Did not anticipate the route she took in this thread but I am sooooo not mad about it

She didn’t know how to address her own guilt for settling down in Mereo. What if her father brought the full force of the Trail to take her back and force her commitment that he had made for her? What if instead Dmitri took matters into his own paws? She preferred not to think of either scenario for so long, but now that she had started to consider them, she couldn’t stop. She felt her chest tighten as the anxiety settled on her chest, offering such a rare moment of rawness about her in turn. She felt the need to reign it in, to push it down. No one needed to know. It was her own burden to carry.
 
She heard his apology, his promise on behalf of him and the rest of Mereo but it did little to bring her ease. Even the comforting embrace of his safe presence around her did little in that moment to settle the tight and uncomfortable burning in her chest… and you are learning how to defend yourself. It was true, and the Imperator seemed to see great promise in her… “But they’ve fought wars, trained to be ruthless in a way I never could…” The words trailed off as the doubt settled in. Women were simply… weaker. In their eyes, they always had been. How could she possibly put up a fight against them?

Kallik had never had to be ruthless. but he knew he could if needed. He refused to let anyone hurt Aquene or anyone else in Mereo. But, he also knew the healer could defend herself if she ever needed to. You are stronger than you think. I know this because I have sparred with you. Remember?

He rested his head on hers. And you would never have to face them alone. He hoped that would make her feel more secure, but he knew how illogical emotions and trauma could make you; they made you believe things that were not true.

She had never considered the fact that she might have been able to stand a chance against either of them before… even with the training she did, it felt so out of reach. They had more training, more experience… they were much bigger, and in many ways she considered them smarter too. She offered a kind and grateful smile to his kind words but it was clear that she did not fully believe what he was saying. She didn’t feel very strong, especially in a pack that trained soldiers like Mereo.
 
She was hoping to never have to face them alone, his statement bringing a frown to her features. “I don’t want anyone to have to shed blood or risk injury just because of my past.” She declined, a frown on her features. What if members of Mereo got hurt because of her. What if Kallik got hurt because of her? She didn’t like that idea either. “I’ve been here for a month now… surely, if they were following me… they would have appeared already, right?” She asked hopefully. Surely they would not be able to follow scents that a month of time had eroded from the earth she had walked… there was no way to find her, right? She supposed it defended both how determined and lucky they were.

If that does happen, it will not be your fault, he told her. You are not responsible for the decision made by others. Why would they be trained to fight if not for the safety of those who call Mereo home. 

Hopefully it has been long enough that they won't be able to find you here. He hated that she would have to worry about that, and he knew that nothing he could say would wipe away her fear. Only time would make her feel more secure here.