Redsand Canyon When I first saw you, the end was soon

The day had been torture. He wanted to check on @Aquene, make sure everything with the matrona was going well, but he had work to do. The imperator would be split, understandably, and so the legatus wanted to ensure that he picked up the slack. He might have stopped by just to gauge things, but it felt like a place he was not supposed to be. So he kept away, worrying about his wife and hoping for things to go smoothly. 

It was rare that Kallik made it back to the den in the evening and Aquene wasn't there to greet him. His anxiety increased exponentially. Maybe things had just taken a long time. He hoped it was only that. 

The soldier set the pair of rabbits down on the ground; he had caught them for his wife because he knew she would be hungry. Then he took a seat, his muscles tense and his face a blank mask as he waited.

The healer had pushed herself and she was feeling the consequences now. A part of her did not want to return to her den… it was the same part of her that desired to lay in the Matrona’s den and keep a watchful eye over her to ensure she did not slip away once more. She’d essentially needed to be dismissed and promised that she would be sought out if anything more happened. She still felt sick to her stomach and it showed as she returned to their den, moving past the rabbits that he had caught for them because her appetite was surely gone before simply tucking against her husband, burying her face in his fur wordlessly.
 
She had hoped it would calm her as it always did… but it did not. Not this time. This time her heart still threatened to beat out of her chest. The only sound she managed to make was a soft whine. She wanted to wake up, as if this were just a bad dream. She’d certainly had them where the Matrona’s delivery was concerned, Ruenna’s face displaced onto her mother as her mother bled out around her… it was not a sight that she would ever truly forget.

Kallik had no idea what kind of state Aquene would be in when she returned to the den. He was hoping tired but proud and happy. What he got was alarming. He immediately tensed when she entered—more than he had been just a second before. She moved past the rabbits and wordlessly pushed herself into his embrace. He held her silently, not needing any words to know that she wanted support and comfort. 

When her whine reached his ears, he could no longer stay quiet; he was worried and he had no idea what had happened. Was the matrona okay? Were the pups okay? Was she okay?

Aquene, he murmured against her fur where he had been nuzzling her. What happened? His tone was soft but a little pleading; he needed to try and fix whatever was wrong.

At first, the silence was comforting, but as it grew on the anxiety bubbled in her chest and so she closed her eyes. She did not mean to worry him, especially with all of his apprehension and anxiety over her own pregnancy… but it seemed as though she were cursed. What happened? She took a few moments to breathe, focusing on instilling a set in and out breathing.
 
Finally she swallowed, having found the words. “There was so much blood… she looked at us and told us she thought she was dying…” Technically, it would have been directed at Towhee and Germanicus... but Aquene had observed it. Perhaps she would not have led with that, but with that the Matrona was okay but it was hard for her to focus on anything. “I… I stopped the bleeding, but she is still very weak.” She finally managed to add as she looked to him. “She bore a large litter, four pups; she lost consciousness after she finished delivering and there was so much blood I thought for sure it was going to be a repeat of what happened with my mother.” She had been terrified, but she had managed to hold it together… she just didn’t have it in her to be proud of herself.

There was so much blood… she looked at us and told us she thought she was dying...

His heart stopped for a few painful seconds. Was the matrona dead? Kallik couldn't even process that; his brain was frozen and foggy and refused to let the thought pass through it. 

But she continued to speak, stating she had stopped the bleeding. The matrona was alive but weak. 

He felt Aquene shift a little, and he lowered his gaze to meet hers. Of course she had been reminded of her mother; the matrona had almost died, or at least it seemed that way to him. He couldn't even imagine what all she must be feeling right now. I am sorry, he told her. He was desperate to do anything to help her, but he had no idea how. The legatus pulled her closer. What can I do? he asked. Anything.

He was truly her rock, but she had known this for some time. As time settled in, it became easier to breathe. It was a slow process, but it did exist. He apologized and she did not respond to it, instead staying safely tucked against his side as he apologized and asked what he could do. What did she even want in that moment? For the first time, the temptation to simply go and find all the cohosh she could find and swallow it whole to avoid the same situation crossed her mind, however fleeting… and it made her feel all the more guilty for it.
 
“Just stay.” She pleaded softly, as if he would be anywhere else than right by her side. There was a safety and security she found in this moment that she could not find elsewhere. “Stay close.” She was scared of the thoughts that might cross her mind if she were left alone again; she feared what she might see if she were asleep. Mahler had better prepared her for this delivery, and it was perhaps the reason the Matrona survived, but it did little to ease how her confidence had been shaken form the firm and deep roots that her skills tree grew from. She was tired, but she could not find it in herself to make an honest effort at sleep.

Of course, he answered immediately. There was literally nothing that could have pulled him from her side in that moment. Always, Kallik promised. He didn't say anything after that, he just continued to keep her close and nuzzle the side of her neck soothingly. For a while, he said nothing; he was happy to just be able to do something to make her feel better, and staying close and holding her didn't require talking. 

Worry started to set in, though; she had been on her paws all day, not to mention the amount of stress she had been under. Her dinner was untouched. All of these things had to be taking a toll on her. If she wasn't going to eat, then he wanted her to at least rest. 

Come on, he said softly, pulling at her a little to indicate that he wanted them to lay down. I will still keep you close, but you need to rest. Even if she didn't sleep, he would feel better knowing that she was attempting to recoup from her traumatic day.

There was no hesitation in his readiness to stay, and she hadn’t expected any. She doubted anything short of an emergency or her ex bursting through the door of their marital den might pull him from her side in that moment and he was grateful for his presence. She felt sick to her stomach still as the worry gnawed away. She shivered lightly, finally starting to let all of the emotions she had been holding in, out in controlled amounts. She shook her head at the mention of rest though she laid down willingly.
 
“I can’t rest.” She gruffed out stubbornly. “What if she starts to bleed again? What if I am needed?” She continued to fret despite the fact that the Matrona had been fine, albeit week, since she had gotten the bleeding under control. “What if my fix was only a temporary one? What if I lose her?” What would become of them if she failed? What would become of her? Towhee would surely hate her because the Matrona was her best friend… perhaps the Imperator would banish her for failing to keep his wife alive? What would Tamar or Arsenio think? Perhaps they would all see her for the fraud she often thought of herself as… what if she lost them all?

She came with him, but only in body. Her mind still raced with thoughts and worries that she shared with him. She said she couldn't rest because of these things, but she was failing to see something very important. My love, he said gently, nuzzling her nape as he spoke. You need rest if you want to be at your best for the matrona. he kissed her softly. I promise, I will stay awake and listen for any calls. If I hear anything, I will wake you up.

But he knew it would take some time for her to even be able to fall asleep with how worked up she was. Hopefully, he could help in some way. He held her as tight as he could without hurting her, careful for the roundness of her belly which held their own children. he would kiss and nuzzle and shower her with affection in the hopes that it would give some peace and calm her enough to actually be able to rest.

His promise did work to start to put her more at ease, though it would take it’s time for her to fully settle. She didn’t know how to simply turn her mind off, but she could begin to turn it down. “Promise you’ll wake me as soon as I am called upon?” She asked again more seriously, not wishing for him to investigate first in order to buy her extra time asleep or anything of that nature. She would not put it past her husband.
 
He held her tight and she nestled against him, embracing the warmth he provided and the easing feeling of being free from burden if only for a moment. “I don’t know how to shut my mind off from this.” She stated again with more of a frown on her features. Her heart started to slow, and with it came hints of the relief she had sought from his presence. The exhaustion started to ebb at her brain with it.

I promise, he easily offered. I would never risk the matrona's life. He was trying to soothe her, but he also knew how serious this was. He would never play around with someone's life, especially the imperator's wife.

All his efforts seemed to finally pay off. He could feel Aquene relaxing into him. Maybe she would feel calm enough to sleep soon; she needed it badly. Her words made him frown as well. Hmmm, he hummed against her. Maybe she needed some sort of distraction. He considered bringing up how soon they would meet their children, but then he realized that might be triggering for her. Maybe if he talked about Towhee. What do you think about Towhee and Maxim? he asked. He had no real opinion on the matter because it was none of his business. But maybe his wife had thoughts on it.

She believed him. She could not think of a single wolf in Mereo who would wish ill will against Ruenna. It settled her further and she offered a weak smile in his direction… before she chuckled softly at the question he had to ask. “I think it is… strange.” She admitted honestly. “But doesn’t that describe much of the things Towhee does?” She managed lightheartedly. She cared for Towhee, and she considered her a close friend… but the woman was odd and not just because she had a set of lady nuts on her.
 
She found it drawing her attention back to the Matrona with a frown. “She was there…” She admitted. “When all of the bleeding started, she was there with the Imperator and Matrona and I… checking in. She’s the Matrona’s best friend.” She worried she’d lose more than just the faith of her packmates, but the bonds she had forged with them as well should anything go awry.

Yes, strange describes Towhee perfectly, he agreed, offering a small smile in return. He was relieved that she seemed to be distracted for a few moments. 

But maybe bringing up Towhee had been a mistake. Of course she had been there; she and the matrona knew each other long before Mereo. Shit, sorry, he said with a sigh. I was trying to distract you, but I picked the wrong subject. He kissed her cheek. I am sure they are grateful that you were there and that you could help the matrona, he offered, giving up on trying to distract her. He had no idea if he had said any of the right things. But Mereo was lucky to have Aquene as their healer. If anyone can save the matrona, it is you. He searched for her gaze. And that is not just me being biased; you are an amazing healer, Aquene.

Stange described Towhee perfectly. Yes, they could both agree on that, a small smile that managed to creep onto her features even if it didn’t quite reach her eyes. It was not his fault it had turned so dark. She shook her head. She did not want him to blame himself.
 
“You did not know she was there.” She stated in dismissal. He had tried to distract her and she shifted to nuzzle him softly. She was not certain her presence had truly helped, though deep down she knew it had. Her presence had stopped the Matrona from bleeding out or letting a pup die in her belly because her contractions had stopped and she had not realized she’d had one more inside of her.
 
Her eyes softened at the gentle praise… praise she had previously been resistant to accept… except she had saved the Matrona. There had been blood and she had managed to stop it. The Matrona was weak, but rest, food, and water would surely ensure her survival, right? She settled down more after having met his gaze, a small weight lifted off her shoulders though it was minimal compared to all that still sat there. “I am afraid… I’m afraid they will all hate me should she pass… that you will too.” She admitted softly.

The legatus was momentarily stunned. He stared down at where she nuzzled into him, a pained look on his face. Did she not know how important she was to him? Maybe he wasn't making it as clear as he thought he was. Aquene, I could never hate you, he told her, his voice a little more stern than he had meant it to be. He was hurt by her words but he also understood her fears completely. And no one else would hate you; if something did happen to the matrona it would not be your fault. His jaw tightened. Even so, we all know that you do everything in your power to help. No one would blame you. He wanted to shake her and pull her into a tight embrace at the same time. 

You do not see yourself clearly, he added after a moment, shaking his head.

Could he never? It was such a lofty promise. She had seen how others could flip like a switch before at seemingly the smallest of things. He was quick to assure her that all would be well but she still struggled to believe what he was saying, not for a lack of wanting to. She truly wanted to believe him… but for fear of him speaking for others when he could not. Surely at the very least the Matrona’s closest friend and her husband would find hatred for her in their hearts?
 
“It would be, though… just as a soldier would be blamed for not countering an invader, a healer would be blamed for not saving a life.” It was the world she had lived in, and her mind had not fully grasped the fact that things were not as they had been at the Trail, not to the degree of difference that would allow her to accept the fact. He was shaking his head and she frowned at him. “I see myself as I always have.” She stated simply in return. “But this world is still so different from the one I grew up in and I just feel so turned around by it... like I'm not sure what normal reactions are supposed to be.” She admitted again as she laid her head atop his paws and looked up at him.

She was stubborn, but he already knew that. He also knew what it was like to have a brain that told you things that weren't true. I know I do not know much about healing, he started. But it seems that sometimes, even the best healer cannot keep someone from dying if it is their time to go, or if their wounds are too severe to be fixed. Surely any sane wolf would see that it was impossible for a healer to save everyone. 

Her outlook made him sad. He also felt a surge of anger as he was given another look at what her upbringing was like. What he would give to rip her father's throat out—he'd like to kill the psycho ex too, but no one had seen or heard anything from that bastard in a while; Kallik did not take it to mean he could relax, though. He was always keeping a watch. 

The legatus kissed the top of her head and then her cheek. He pushed his nose into her nape and nuzzled her gently. I understand, he told her. But, I consider myself the luckiest man on earth to be able to call you my wife. There is nothing you can do to tarnish my love for you, Aquene; please believe that. She could shatter his heart into a million pieces and he would still love her.

He had a point, she supposed. It was not possible to save everyone. She did not respond, not with words, instead just sighing and resting her head. She knew everything she said was hard to hear, and she wished there were a way to sugarcoat it… but it was simply the facts of life. She offered a soft nuzzle as he kissed the top of her head. The luckiest man? She hardly considered him lucky to be saddled with her, though she also suspected he often felt the same way.
 
“And there will be nothing you can do to tarnish my love for you either.” She offered back softly. She’d found a life in him. She had found peace and prosperity even in moments like this where she nearly fretted herself ill. “I will try… but you know as well as I that things are far easier said than done, especially when it comes to belief.” She offered back, even a hint of a tease mixed into those words.

Kallik smiled at her returned promise. He knew it was meant to reassure him, but he had trouble believing her words deep down. He still feared that he might do something to mess things up between them. 

Well maybe I need to do a better job convincing you, he said softly against the cotton-soft fur below her ear. He kissed and nuzzled the spot. 

Ho do you feel? he asked her. He hoped he had been able to soothe her and quiet her fears. He wasn't sure how equipped he was for that stuff, being that he literally worried about everything, but it was easy to be kind to and supportive of his wife—not so much with himself. He wasn't sure he would ever be able to look inward and not feel hatred.

She could not fight the soft smirk on her features as he mentioned doing a better job convincing her. She was not certain it would ever be possible to convince her that she was worth more than what she had been told… but she was going to try and take his word for it.
 
At the question of feeling, a yawn rose, the exhaustion once again pushing to the forefront of her mind as she lightly nuzzled his neck. “Tired. It was a long labor and I was on my paws pretty much the entire time… I sent the Imperator for any travelling but it was still a lot.” She admitted, honest about her own involvement in her work perhaps for the first time. “They had to essentially kick me out to get me to even come back here.” She admitted again, resting her head lightly on top of his paws as she looked up at him.

He didn't like hearing that she had to be forced to rest, no matter how much he could understand where she was coming from. It was something he had expressed to her over and over, and he didn't feel like dampening the mood anymore. He would try to trust that she wasn't pushing herself past her limits, as difficult as that would be.

He kissed her head and then made his way to her nape licking and grooming her dark fur. Eventually, he settled his head over her shoulders and released a soft sigh. You should try and sleep, he told her. Even if she hadn't just told him, he could hear the exhaustion in her voice and see it in the tired lines of her face. He was tired for his own reasons, but he planned to stay awake until he could hear her breathing slow enough that he knew she was no longer awake.

She did not consider how her words might worry him, but they were the truth. She simply worried for her Matrona and the children, and wanted to be there in case something had happened to her… it would take time for the medicus to travel to the palazzo, even if it was not a terribly lengthy venture. She preferred to simply skip the middle man.
 
His head settled over her shoulder and she laid her head down, curled up tight against him as she offered a soft hum of agreement, her eyes slowly drifting close and it did not take terribly long at home for her to fade into a dreamless sleep. Occasionally, there was even a soft snore which simply proved how dug into her rest she was. She credited him and his soothing presence for all of it, though the wearisome events of the day certainly did not hurt.

To his immense relief, Aquene soon drifted off to sleep, curled up against him. He tightened his hold and carefully reached over to kiss her head. Devotion and fear squeezed his heart equally. He loved her so much it scared him. He felt genuine panic any time he allowed himself to think about just how much he needed her. 

He rested his head back over her shoulders, his gaze moving over the slight curve of her abdomen. He loved the tiny pups in her belly too and he would be riddled with anxiety until they were here and everyone was safe. 

It would take another hour or so for Kallik to calm down and succumb to sleep; it would be her even breathing and her scent surrounding him that would finally calm him enough to close his eyes.