Honeyed Pasture Look at all the stars they have fallen

When she found @Figment after leaving Penn, Fennec stuck by her decision to not tell him what had happened. She didn't see any point in letting him know Penn was even in the area, and she really didn't want him to ask any questions about his not coming with.

She had thought at first the meeting made her feel better but, after a while, it was clear that it had made her feel even worse. This was a whole new kind of getting left behind that she'd never, in a million years, anticipated. That Penn, of all people, would have things he had to do that were important to him.

And she had squat. Killdeer was living his best life in Mereo. Witching it up felt like a fucking parody now, even if she had the space for someone else's problems. (She absolutely did not.)

So what did she want?

Fennec tossed that idea around as she picked at the bird that was supposed to be lunch. Maybe for a while she just wanted things to be easy. Too bad she couldn't just curse herself, otherwise she could just get rid of all of her memories and go actually be someone else for a change.

So. What do we do now? She was really hoping that Figment had an answer that sounded worth taking because Fennec kept coming up empty.

Figment had done his best to just let his sister be. He didn’t know heartache like she was experiencing, but he knew it in other forms and so he knew the only real medicine for it was time, and he was willing to give her all the time she needed.

But even so, he too had begun to wonder what their next move would be. He loved her dearly, but he had to admit that he longed to be part of a community again. Their stop in Mereo had reminded him that he was not fit for the life of a vagabond. He was a pack wolf.

But was Fenn ready for that?

There seemed to be no time like the present to find out. He looked over at her as she asked the question, considering. ”You might not love this,” he cautioned before continuing, ”But I think we need a pack. Whether we form our own or join another. I think it would help to have a goal or a task to focus on. Something to take your mind off… things.”

He paused to let her react, uncertain of what to expect.

He was right on the money with that assumption. She didn't like the sound of it and immediately began to conjure up all of the reasons why joining a pack was a stupid idea. Too bad for her it really wasn't and after a long pause, Fennec was forced to admit that her brother had a point. Just because she wanted to be alone didn't mean that he had to be and just because they joined a pack didn't mean she had to try that hard. She could be a bitch just as easy around everyone else as she could by herself.

It would have been nice if Mereo could have worked for them. Fennec liked to fight, but she'd jump into an active volcano before she subjected herself to that kind of regimented lifestyle. The fact that Killdeer liked it so much even had her wondering if she'd somehow swapped kids.

Maybe. She didn't sound happy about it, but she was down for whatever he chose at this point. Joining a pack didn't go along with her 'disappearing' plan all that well, but nothing said she couldn't vanish afterward.

If you want to make one, I'd join it. But otherwise, I don't really care. Even if Fig had his heart set on Mereo, she'd try to make it work. But the likelihood of Bronco showing up added to everything else would have her prepping to ghost it at any given moment. Family or no family.

As suspected, Fenn wasn’t thrilled by the idea. She didn’t seem to disagree though, or at least, she didn’t reject it. Fig’s lips tightened as he watched her, wishing there was some magic button he could just press to make things better. Hell, wishing he truly had the first clue as to what to do to make her feel better. But, he didn’t. He was woefully naive when it came to matters of the heart, full or broken. All he could do was think about what made things better for him when he was down and try that. Try anything. Just try.

”Is that what you prefer? For me to lead?” Fig asked, confused by her phrasing. He hadn’t been entirely settled on the idea of starting their own pack again. He definitely hadn’t considered leading it himself. But would that help? If she was supporting him, not the other way around?

A random idea popped into his head, and it filled him quite suddenly. ”What if we went home?” Fig asked before he spent any thought on it, ”Our first home. Where we were born. The plateau.” He didn’t know why it captured him, but it had. It owned him now, and whether they went there to settle or not, he suddenly felt overwhelmed by his desire to visit.

As soon as Fig asked the question again, Fennec was irrationally annoyed. Why couldn't he just make a fucking call of his own? She was tired of calling the shots. She was tired of making all of the decisions only to make the wrong fucking play and screw up in the process. She didn't want to tell him what to do.

I don't care, Fig, just do what you want. It came out angrier than she wanted it to. Normally she preferred when he deferred to her. Now she couldn't help comparing it to the way no one ever seemed to tell her what they actually fucking wanted.

If you want to go there, we can go there. Just, stop making me decide every stupid thing we do. She was lashing out a bit and at least had the sense to feel bad about it immediately. It was also honest, though. She really didn't want to answer a million questions about where they should go when she didn't feel like any of it mattered at the moment. Trying to think about it only made everything worse because she knew, deep down, where she actually wanted to go. And those places weren't possibilities.

Fig’s spirits quickly soured when he heard his sister’s response. He had turned to stare off in the direction he knew the plateau to be, but now he turned back to her with a disheartened frown. He knew her anger had nothing to do with him. She was angry with Bronco, and it made her angry with the entire world. His ears fell as he pondered the issue. Thus far, he’d been unable to make a difference. He didn’t know what to do or how to help her. Nothing ever seemed to help.

With sudden resolve, Fig stepped up to her and stood facing her. He leaned towards her until only a couple inches remained between them. ”You’re being a jerk,” he informed her before lifting a paw and giving her a hard shove.

She caught on to what he was doing pretty quickly. At least, she jumped to the assumption. The shove was annoying as fuck, but Fig didn't have the insults to really go for blood. A jerk.

Her jaw tightened with frustration but she didn't move. I told you I don't want to fight you, she replied, though her fur did raise a bit along her shoulders. What the fuck was he trying to even do?!

Like she wasn't allowed to be a jerk right now. And like asking him to step up, for once in his life, was such a horrible thing to do. Because fuck her and fuck her feelings, right? She was supposed to just walk away like nothing was wrong, just like he had, just like both of them had, and deal with this shit herself because apparently no one else wanted to even fucking try to understand.

Her anger wasn't fair to her brother and she knew it. It was too bad she couldn't sort out a way to tell him what she did want.

It wasn't worth it. The plateau's fine. She added, turning away from him. She didn't really care, so sure. Anything to get him to drop it.

She didn't bite. Fig knew she'd turned him down before, but thought maybe this time, it would be easier. She had so much hurt and anger--it needed to go somewhere. She needed to expel it outwards, otherwise it would just fester inwards. He didn't want her to end up hurting herself. He would much prefer it if she'd just hurt him.

So, he didn't give up. He watched her turn away from him and followed, shoving her again with a low growl. He didn't truly want to hurt her, nor was he mad at her. But if she needed to think those things were true in order to engage, then he'd put on the show.

He wouldn't stop. Historically, this had been how she had solved things, but that was when there was anger worth directing. This wasn't anger, though it looked the same on the surface. This was something much deeper and much more complicated.

Just STOP! Her voice raised in pitch on the second word, borderline shriek. He wasn't fucking listening. She squared off against him, trembling with frustration and breath coming quicker. Her needle was tipping towards flight and if he tried again, she was absolutely going to take off. She didn't give a fuck that she'd have no clue where she was going.

Fighting wasn't how she fixed this. She needed to talk to someone who understood and it was pretty fucked that Penn had been the closest she'd gotten. Of course he'd leave her high and dry the instant she gave him the chance - because while he understood half of it, he didn't see the rest. And now here was Fig, loyal to a fault, trying to help and making things that much worse.

Her shriek succeeded in making him rethink his plan, but not entirely. He wasn't going to relent on it this time, but he did make a swift change in tactic. Fig faced her, his frown deepening as he unexpectedly began to feel his own emotions rising. He swallowed thickly to still them, but he couldn't entirely persuade the frustration and concern against staining his tone.

"Then DO something, Fenn!" Fig replied, not shouting, but not as quiet and even-keeled as he usually was, "You can't just keep wandering around like a beaten dog, snapping at me for every little thing forever. Fight me, shout at me, talk to me, whatever you need to do. Just do something other than silently drowning yourself inside day after day."

Do something. Do do do do. As if somehow she wanted to be like this. As if this was all her fault and if she just tried harder, sure, everything would be okay. Because this was so inconvenient for him.

Now there was real anger, but it was a cold and detached kind. She'd tried talking to him and it didn't help. And he didn't seem all that interested in trying to talk to her.

Fine. He wanted her to do something? She would do something. She was out of here.

Don't fucking follow me. Her voice was dangerously low. This was a different kind of feeling and if he kept pushing her, she would attack him. But it would be for real, not the spar he thought it would be, and instead a cornered attempt to get away from his aggressive pushing.

If anything had been needed to convince Figment that his sister was hurting worse than ever she had before, it was this moment. She didn't fight. She didn't yell. She barely said a word.

She simply fled.

He knew he should go after her, but he was too startled and dismayed to move. There was something horribly wrong with seeing Fennec walk away like this. It felt as though she was giving in. Giving up. She had always been a fighter, since they were kids, even before her eyesight began to fail. Why wouldn't she fight now? Was she really so broken?

For the first time, Fig wasn't sure what to do. He'd always just innately known how to help her, how to be there for her. But this was beyond him. He'd never wanted so badly to see Towhee than in that moment, but he knew somehow that her involvement in this would send Fenn over the edge. Things were too delicate now to try it. Too delicate to try anything, or so it felt.

Despite her warning, Fig of course followed. Not directly--he kept his distance and gave her space, but he wasn't about to lose her. He told himself she would calm down and maybe then, she would talk to him. They could go to the Plateau and maybe it would inspire her to try again. Maybe.

Maybe was all he had. He would make maybe work. He had to.

bye bye fenny ;____;

Thankfully he didn't argue, because she honestly wasn't sure what she'd have done to him if he'd tried to force her to stay and work things out. She was like a train that had derailed and was now sliding wildly down an enbankment... probably on course for a pretty spectacular explosion when she hit rock bottom, but who really knew for sure. Right now she just needed to get the fuck away from anything and everything telling her how she needed to feel or what she needed to be doing. All she heard, over and over again, that just feeling what she felt and doing what she did wasn't good enough. That she, herself, wasn't enough.

She'd never felt that way around Fig before. That was maybe the worst part of all of this.

It certainly felt like she was broken. Walking away from him, she felt like a monster, but that didn't stop her from staying away for a while. And it didn't stop her from, only a short time later, disappearing on him completely. He probably had a pretty easy time seeing it coming, but unless he was willing to pin her down bodily, there was no way he'd have been able to stop her. She'd made her decision the moment she accepted defeat here. He was exactly right - at least for a while, Fennec was done trying.