Stone Circle öðruvísi

if u have the time/space <3

she had tried to keep the feelings at bay. but the more she saw the world, the more she realized how odd she was.

not once had @Sanja treated her differently for it.

nobody of kvarsheim had treated her differently for it. yet still it rattled her. arguably more! nobody had ever commented to her the way her body did not match her mother's. nobody had explained that she would never grown into this weird limbs and that her muzzle would never become fit for the hunting.

but today it had spilled over into everything she did.

and as she stared at the cold river water, she could no longer stand to see herself. angrily she stomped at the water. watching as she dissolved into ripples.

her children were growing so large, so fast. soon they would be big enough to need a new place to sleep. the confines of the den she hid them within would not be enough. it was a jarring thought and one sanja could not yet face. so, she did not face it.

she left them sleeping and secured in their beds, and wandered.

it was during this moment of transience she heard the sloshing of water, and saw her adoptive daughter playing in the stream. the closer she got the more obvious it became that bjarna was in some kind of distress, not a game.

daughter, sanja crooned as she drew near.

what is wrong?

she turned and —

beautiful mother bear! she hurt all over again. and this time she could not help the stifled sounds in the back of her throat.

i do not look like you!

anguished as the water continued its trek downstream. around her paws that were now drenched and cold.

i do not look like anyone!

she began to choke upon her own tears, doing everything she could to halt their full arrival.

bjarna hurt; it was not a physical pain that plagued her, but something deeper and unseen. sanja had witnessed some of this before and had managed to assure her in the past, but now that she was more grown and the differences more obvious, it would be a struggle.

she shouted of those differences. she cried, and sanja rushed to her with kisses for her cheeks.

bjarna, you are beautiful. but how often could the mother say this and get away with it? saying it over and over did not convince the girl. her face reflected in the rippled water and sanja saw herself there too, a thin shadow next to the blocky, malformed face of the girl. but only love was in her eyes.

she did not know what to say to quell the feeling in the girl, and didn't think it was right anyway to stop her from feeling as she did; her feelings were valid, and she had a right to express herself. sanja lingered close if that was what bjarna needed.

how could she help the girl? the truth of it came to her mind immediately, but sanja did not speak to the girl's status, that she was adopted and that her parents were unknown to even the mother bear - she did not know how that would help, yet.

beautiful!

but bjarna had seen beautiful, she had been raised by beautiful. mother bear had a hunter's grace, the coat of the wild and now the physical form of nurturing.

bjarna had seen the fire woman and silver fae. she looked nothing like either in any way. not in shape or color. nor grace or confidence. it was hard enough to compare herself against those of other lands.

it hurt worst of all to not even be like her own mother!

her mother who she buried into the chest of, weeping openly and freely. she could not muster a single word — but even if she could, they all would have been ugly.

her daughter burrowed in to her breast, and nearly bowled her over. she had grown so thick and strong, and with love in her heart. sanja braced herself as the girl cried and cried and cried, and did not stop her; she kissed her head or groomed the fur of her shoulder, whichever she could reach best without much movement, and held strong against the torrent of tears.

i wish i could make you feel better about yourself, the woman finally admitted when the crying became less, and bjarna was perhaps tired enough and cried-out. i wish you could see yourself the way i do. a kiss to her face, as she pulled away to look at those sad eyes, so blue.

should she tell her? it was not a secret; the others of kvarsheim knew the girl was a foundling, not born to sanja or to the stones. nobody held that against her. the fact that bjarna was starting to catch on (and that it caused her such pain) made sanja's heart hurt for her. she looked upon that face and felt torn in her own way.

come away from the water with me. let me... let me tell you a story? as if she were still a cub, and this were only make-believe. sanja was hopeful that this hurt could be undone, or at the bare minimum, understood.

she always tired too quickly, too easily.

hardly ever able to keep up with her own breathing. and she cursed herself once more. her body unable to support itself! all the more shame swept over her. only she could cry no more about it.

resorted to raspy breaths as her mother consoled her.

a kiss on her face. a look exchanged between sad blue eyes and eyes of spring, of life. she felt ashamed. almost positive that her hurt had hurt her mother. for she thought herself ugly and she had come from the very woman. how unkind she had been to her mother, with the unkindness to herself.

please. she sniffled, tired. wet upon her face and paws.

she would follow her mother anywhere.

they would depart the waterline together. sanja half-carried, half-struggled, but did not complain for the presence of her daughter. they came to a dry place of clustered grass and tall white-barked trees. there were golden leaves around them rather than above, as the autumn had swept this place with furious winds the day before.

she sat, and aided bjarna to lay there too, grooming at her head as a mother would a cub. when she felt the moment had calmed somewhat, sanja breathed deeply while holding her, and pulled back for the story.

there was once a little girl who was born too late. she began.

her brothers before her, being almost twice her age, had gone on to become adventurers, and warriors. they met kings and saved princesses from all manner of things. but the girl, she only knew them in stories. she wanted to one day be an adventurer too. as she spoke sanja plucked at the grass, clearing a place so it was only dirt, where she placed two large stones and one tiny one.

when she was old enough she left home, this girl. she went many places, but there were no more princesses to save, because her brothers had rescued them all. one day she came to a new realm, and she thought herself alone forever. the larger stones were cast aside and the little one moved back and forth, as if travelling. she climbed mountains, crossed a sea made only of grass and high hills, chased birds as they flew across sand, and one day found herself still alone, surrounded by a valley.

sanja arranged sticks to form a circle with an open mouth, and there she placed a little flower she had plucked from the weeds. and it was there that she found a little girl. this girl was as pale as snow, and as small as could be. and she was very much alone, too. had bjarna recognized this, yet? sanja watched her carefully, stealing glances as she spoke.

the adventurer felt so badly for this little girl, because she knew exactly what it felt like to be lost and alone, and to be forgotten. out of all the world and all the places she had been - this was the first one with another person in it, and the lady knew she could not abandon the little one the way the rest of the world had. her throat became thick, suddenly. sanja could not continue.

she looked upon her daughter's face and felt her heart ache. so she called that little one, bjarna. and she took that little one and said, i will love you forever. you will be safe with me. you will never be alone again.

did she see, now?

she laid alongside her mother. eyes closed for the way they stung against dryness and the cold air around them.

this story sounded like one to soothe and sleep. she figured that to be much the case. but it winded and weaved. perhaps too mysterious for a sleeping story.

"this girl was as pale as snow, and as small as could be. and she was very much alone, too."

short ears stood as tall as they could, from her head's place on the cold ground. bjarna did not remember a time before sanja.

parousia had died of her soul's starvation in the valley.

but bjarna was pale as snow. stunted even if her body compacted. her throat clenched and grew slick. her eyes opened and then closed. squeezed so tightly as if that might hide her from whatever twist laid ahead in this story.

"so she called that little one, bjarna."

and she was too tired to weep again, but her heart hurt in long deep strokes. pierced by the very truth of it all. that she had not come from sanja. still sanja was her mother. took in the dying babe and gave her life under the name bjarna.

who had she been before?

who had left her to be alone forever?

were they as deformed as her? or had they seen her and left her there?

perhaps it did not matter. they had not loved her. they had not wanted her to never be alone. mother bear did. none of the things that plagued bjarna were the fault of mother bear. they were the fault of someone before. someone who had none of the things that sanja did, she felt certain of that.

but sanja had looked upon this shortened face and loved it all the same.

her breath hitched, even if she could not cry anymore.

i am sorry.

she did not even know what she apologized for! was it for the hurt she caused between them? was it for being so unkind to herself when she had been given a second chance at life?

she was dizzy and exhausted.

there was a long silence. a tense silence. the girl looked stricken and then sad, and then sanja could not name what she saw, and so she closed her eyes and tucked her face nearby her daughter's; until bjarna murmured an apology, which made the mother's eyes fly open and a sad curve to appear upon her face.

oh, no, my lovely girl, she held her close and murmured in to white.

you have nothing to be sorry for! i should have told you. i should have explained from the beginning. i know where you come from, but not from who. if i had only told you sooner -- if i had prepared you, then perhaps... perhaps you would not be in such pain and grief. it was just as likely this was unavoidable.

you will soon be a lady, and maybe an adventurer. if someday you wish to see where you come from, or seek out... seek out who, if it is possible, and find your answers, i will do everything i can to help you.

sanja  pulled back again and this time looked bjarna in the eye, wanting only to make this clear. there is nothing ugly about you. you are different, yes, but different does not mean bad.

she did not fault her mother.

she had seen (and experienced) how hard it was to care for young life. yet sanja had plucked her from the valley. taken care of her while building all of this. home!

how awful she felt in her own skin. for different reasons now. shame shame shame shame — and not for her flesh!

i do not want to know who. she decided then and there.

but...but maybe i go to this valley. before i am lady?

when was she a lady?

she felt somewhere awkward, in between. no one warned her how awful her coming of age would become. suddenly torn between a lost child she did not know and the lady bjarna was growing into.

i will...try. try to not think so ugly.

her answer, that she did not want to know, sobered sanja. a part of her thought that bjarna would leave her for this adventure if she had known of it before, a covetous part that did not want to see the girl go away, and perhaps that was why she had held her silence about the truth for so long. to hear that she would not seek her mother - whoever her blood kin was - eased some part of sanja's heart.

when your brothers and your sister are bigger, and they can be left without me, then i will show you. okay? it would be months; perhaps in the winter, perhaps in the spring when the snows had gone away again, they could make their journey.

sanja pressed her forehead to bjarna's fondly, listening. she gave a small sigh.

when silence came between them, she offered something else: would you like to come now, and visit the little ones? i must go see to them. you could come along if you would like. or if she wished for solitude with the stones and the trees, sanja would oblige her that.

fading <3 tysm for this very good development

bjarna found she suddenly did not wish for that day. when her young siblings (they were her brothers and sister, blood or no!) could be left alone. sanja would never let them have a fate like her own had apparently been.

all of kvarsheim would protect them.

yet still she worried — and it was with that worry that she was eager to see their little pudgy forms again.

yes. i will come tell them stories. she whispered with a tired smile.

they did not know she was not blood. they may never need to know like she did now, for it was mother bear who bonded them all.