Dragoncrest Cliffs you taught me the courage of stars

sorry for the novel i wrote you, lmao.

“No. I am not Freyja. I am nothing like her. Her choices were her own and as much as I hate her I hope that it…that he was worth it. Worth betraying those who taught her, worth losing Drageda, worth losing me.” Freyja’s choices hurt Eske …because they had just started to get along. To let their rivalry draw them closer instead of pushing them away until Seff lured her away from her family. Eske’s brow furrows and her salmon pink tongue drawing across her lips. “I will never leave Heda or Drageda. I know where my loyalties lie.” It had meant she’d had to stay goodbye to her parents and live with the knowledge that it was likely she would never see them again. She is the only child of Gyda and Gavriel that stayed. Though Shalon had gotten the first half of her assessment wrong Eske nevertheless gives the older woman her rapt attention when she speaks wondering if her words are true. Does she know Heda better than most? Eske doubts it. “Not really. I think that my mother, perhaps, knew her best or Heda’s own mate Wildfire, even.” As far as Eske could remember, they hardly ever spoke of anything personal. Thuringwethil has been a constant presence in her life: someone that Eske admires but the truth is that when it comes down to it Eske thinks that she barely knows her Commander at all.

“It’s not that I doubt myself it’s just I …—” Eske pauses as she struggles to look for a word to explain what she feels. If she thought she couldn’t do it she wouldn’t have agreed. “I guess I feel out of my element, is all. I know how to fight. I know how to kill and I’m good at it. I guess …it never occurred to me that I could be good at anything else.” It doesn’t exactly do it justice but it’s the best Eske can phrase her conflict; but also wondering if a good portion of her internal hurricane comes from the helplessness she feels in regards to Heda coupled with her unbridled worry for the Commander. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter much because this is all temporary.” Meaning: she cannot begin to explain what she feels if it is not hostility or aggression and is growing frustrated at not being able to explain herself properly. “Thank you.” Eske says when Shalon admits to putting trust in her abilities to lead and brings to the Drakru’s attention that it might have nothing to do with being groomed to lead but that it comes naturally to her. Something she would have never considered on her own.

While Eske feels important being trusted by her Commander and in all actuality, doesn’t mind being a leader ( Eske’s never been one to hide from responsibility and likes to stay busy …and being a leader certainly keeps her on the move ) she also couldn’t wait until Heda recovered and she went back to being Cheka ( or Wanlida even if she could prove she was skilled enough to hold the title ). “I think,” Eske begins, suddenly, dredging the topic back up as they walk, her frown increasing as she mulls it over, ears lowering against her skull. “I feel like I don’t deserve it. It’s not my accomplishment. It only happened because the Commander is severely ill and I don’t have the correct trades or specialties for it. Beyond that it’s as you pointed out: it doesn’t make sense. By default the right to act in Heda’s stead should have fallen to Dio. So …why me?” It is a rhetorical question because Eske is aware that only the Commander herself can answer that and that to think about it, to try to puzzle it out would only make her crazy.

“I trust Heda unwaveringly. I trust her with my life and I don’t want to question her choice because I know there was a good reason for it.” The dilemma was: Eske wanted to know what that reason was and how to ask it without sounding ungrateful — because this was a chance she will never get again and she is grateful for it. Perhaps by the time Thuringwethil was well enough to hold that conversation with her, the question would no longer be important to Eske and she would, at that time, simply accept it for what it is regardless of reason or no reason.