Wolf RPG

Judas couldn't believe it. Out of everyone from his past he could have met, it was Malice. She had a large impact on his life. Changed him, forgave him. He could still remember that night they shared a game of hide and seek. But it did not make him smile. Instead it kept him on the verge of breaking, the wall keeping back the wave of emotions almost cracking.

All he had with him was Pyx. She was the only one who was his friend. But that meeting, had it changed her look on him? He had to know. "Pyx...About that meeting..." He couldn't think of how to start. There had been too many emotions then and at this moment.

Despite the meeting with the wolf from Judas' past they had continued on. Pyx was confused and curious, unsure of what really had entirely happened. It was clear Judas had a more upsetting past than she would have guessed, though she had no true scope of it's darkness. Truly the only thing revealing that had been said was about him lying all the time, which easily could have been a joke. The pack's name, too, was a mysterious one: The Dark Brotherhood. Still, packs named themselves things like that all the time to impress or scare others.

In Pyx's mind, Judas was still the same wolf he had been. She hadn't been given enough information to truly peer at what lay inside of him, and the meeting had only served to make her more interested in his past. Who had he been before here? What had happened to cause such pain between he and Malice? In truth, had he known just how disjointed the story seemed from Pyx's side he likely wouldn't have been worried at all.

Her ears perked and she turned towards him, curiosity filling her eyes. She waited for him to finish but he trailed away. She thought he seemed nervous and furrowed her brow, tilting her head. "Yes? It was rather...confusing from my side, I'll admit. I tried not to...to listen to much, it seemed so personal but...well, you were both yelling and I won't lie and say I didn't hear it."

"I only got bits and pieces though. It was...thoroughly confusing for me, to be honest. Would...would you like to talk about it? Explain some of it to me? Are...are you alright with everything that happened?" She was trying not to pry too much, though her curiosity was overwhelming. She wanted to show that she was there for him too, and whatever feelings he might be having over the whole thing. Standing close to him she raised a paw and aimed to place it over his own, a small touch meant to reassure him that she was there, whatever he may be feeling.

The whole ordeal confused him. He wasn't sure whether to be angry, to be sad. But worst of all, he almost reverted to his old self. He couldn't do that to Malice again. And he couldn't let Pyx see. It was his utmost darkest, deepest secret. But with him, all secrets come out some time.

Judas' ears tipped in her direction, but he dare not look at her. He didn't see the curiosity. he jumped to conclusions, at first thinking she saw something different in him. But by how she talked, there was no fear he could hear. Just her curious self. So he dared a look. Followed by a response to her question.

"It's...dark." His green eyes reflected the hate and anger, but also the sadness and despair he had felt during his time in Moonlit. "I'm not sure if I am all right. I mean, when I last saw her, well...How about I start from the beginning?" It was a large risk. "Are you sure you want to hear it?" he asked, tilting his head with an expression that simply asked if she was sure.

He was afraid to meet her eyes, but for what reason Pyx couldn't fathom. Did he think his anger had scared her? Finally he dare to look up at her face. He would find only curiosity and a softened expression, worry and concern flickering in her eyes. She nodded to his reply, she had guessed there was something harsh to his history by how the interaction had gone down. She simply had no idea how dark.

A torrent of emotions swam through his eyes, flooding them. She tried to read them all, but there were many. Pain, rage and despair all mingled together in his green eyes. She nodded, moving closer and then taking a seat at his side. "I would like to hear it, yes, if you would like to tell it. Whatever would help you most." She didn't want him to cause himself more grief by telling the tale, but truly there wasn't anyway for her to comfort him, or to even know him better, without hearing the story. She wanted to be his friend and it was hard to be friends with someone you didn't know very well. 

She herself did not have a very flavorful past. There was no true darkness, she'd simply decided to leave her home. Her brothers had picked on her as a child, they'd done mean things to her for her size and her interest in herbology...but that was as dark as it got. She had, by all accounts, a rather normal life. Judas, though, had seen things or done things or had things done to him. Something had happened to him, and regardless of how hard the story may be to listen to she was his friend, and she would hear him if he would talk. It did worry her that he seemed so worried of telling the story, but she couldn't begin to guess at why.

Part of Judas wished he hadn't asked. As well as wished she hadn't answered. He sighed exasperationally. It was not a fun story for him to tell. And when she sat down, he knew there was no stepping away from this. But he remained standing, as if he were frozen in time in that long sigh. Until he began to speak.

His voice was hushed, almost silent. He kept his gaze at his feet. "As you know, my mother was a coyote...I was a result of a single day, where my...he came to her in her heat, cause he was bored." He had no actual idea why, but he always assumed that just by his personality. "I had two brothers and a sister. I was the most wolf-like. For three months, we lived. Until he came back to cover his tracks." Had it been a physical wall, he would have heard the loud cracks.

"After 'covering his tracks', he took me as his son. Only because I looked wolfish enough. he had used my mother, and intended on never letting that secret out. So when his three other pack members, mate included asked where I came from, he said he found me." Something Judas had made that wolf regret. "He taught me things. But most of it slipped by. I was old enough to understand what had happened."

He sighed at her response and she knew this would not be an easy tale to tell. In the pause that followed she was close to telling him that he didn't need to tell her, that she was fine with not knowing. Her mouth parted to say so just as he began, and her lips sealed to allow him to speak. He did not sit or meet her gaze and she frowned, worried that perhaps she should have told him not to bother with the story at all.

Yet, if they were to be friends beyond what they were now, true friends, she'd need to know. Without a story she would always wonder over what exactly had happened this day, and she didn't know if her mind might not supply a dark story where a lighter one might be. She didn't want her own mind to change her opinion of Judas, so this was the only way.

She nodded gently to his words about his mother, glancing away herself as he retold the part that she knew. Some wolves were terrible creatures, horrible in their hearts and minds. No herbs could heal such wickedness. She did not speak, worried that she might disturb him somehow. He seemed in a trance, off some place else. She only nodded for him to continue, her eyes rising to meet his if he would look at her. He head was tilted in the way of concern, and her eyes and face showed no judgement. Only that she was listening, that she was open to his story.

There was a long pause. What he did, he knew would never leave despite wanting to have forgotten it all. "Pyx, what I did...I..I killed them, Pyx. In their sleep." He let that sit there. That night made him smile as he slept in the past. Now, it only haunted him. He would see their faces, beg for their forgiveness. But every time, before they could give it, his 'other' self got to them. 

"After I went on my own little crusade. Saw all wolves as evil. The amount I sent to their own demise, I can't think about it." He turned his face away so she couldn't see the wetness around his eyes. He remembered Moonlit, and the ones he hurt. No, the ones 'it' hurt."Then I came to Moonlit. I thought it would be another pack to disrupt. But these ones were different....I could never stop myself. Mitanni, we grew rather close. Too close for my liking. So one day, I attacked her..." 

Now he looked Pyx right in the eyes. A question bubbled in his throat, afraid to ask. "Am I a bad wolf? If I ever did that to you, would you forgive me? Even..." He was slowly beginning to understand the feelings he had begun to have ftoward Mitanni. And only recently could he put a word to the strongest that had begun to arise. "Would you even love me if I did that to you?" He had to know. If someone were put in Mitanni's place, would they?

Though she tried to keep her face neutral, she was surprised by what he said next. In a way, she couldn't blame him for killing the wolf that had sired him. That male had killed his mother and siblings, had raped his mother. His loss was not a horrible thing to the world, she thought. It surprised her that he had killed the whole pack, though. Had they deserved it? Did it matter if they had? Pyx had never been a very violent wolf, she prefered to talk things over or to flee. It was clear that Judas was haunted by his actions though, a mistake of vengeful youth.

He turned from her as he spoke and she frowned as the tale unfolded more and more. So he had been a killer, more than a few, he had killed many. It was frightening to think of the wolf before her doing such things. She couldn't picture it as hard as she tried. Judas seemed so calm and kind, it all seemed a joke. She didn't know who Mitanni was, but it was a name that had been mentioned with Malice. She was again surprised as he mentioned he had attacked his friend. He turned to face her, and she met his gaze. Her eyes were sad and full of confusion and shock, but she did not look away from him.

"Oh Judas." She breathed, overwhelmed by his questions and emotions. The word love made her eyes grow wide, and she swallowed. "Judas...I'm not sure how to answer your question. Who am I to judge your past? I did not live it, I did not see it. I know the wolf who stands before me, who has been kind and intelligent. The wolf before me is not a bad wolf. We are not rocks and mountains that never change." 

"We are living, we are moving and changing and feeling. Perhaps some days you were a bad wolf, but that does not mean you are a bad wolf now. That doesn't mean you have to be a bad wolf ever again." She paused to consider things, hoping what she said wasn't hurtful to him. What he had done in his past were not good things, she wouldn't sweep that away to spare his feelings. She wouldn't lie. 

"If I loved you and you attacked me..." She said slowly, watching him. "I think I would still love you. I might be angry, or upset, but love is not a weed you can remove so easily. If I loved you, and knew you, I would know that you attacked out of fear and not maliciousness. Or even that you attacking me was not something normal for you. I could forgive you, if we talked and you explained, if you wouldn't turn from me." She believed this, believed that love could survive almost anything. Were she attacked by a wolf she loved, she would want an explanation before she turned her back on them. She wouldn't leave without a word, she might be fearful to face them at first...but she would face them.

"You are not a bad wolf today Judas." She said, her voice strong. "That is what is important. The past cannot be changed but your future can, you can. That is what is important." It was hard to wrap her head around, but she believed what she said. She didn't believe a wolf would be damned for past actions, if they truly wanted to change and regret their past. If Judas were to continue killing wolves, to be ruthless and cruel, then yes he would be a bad wolf. As it was, the Judas she knew was not a wolf who did such things. She understood a little more now, about him. "Is that why you know poisons so well?" She asked, realizing.

She watched him a moment, then applied a little pressure to her paw where it rest on his. Not enough to cause pain, but a small reassuring squeeze. Judas' life had started painfully. She understood where the emotions from this might cause him to be vengeful, and he'd been swept away by it. It was a terrible, horrible thing...but she didn't think it made him unredeemable. She didn't think it made him horrible. She realized she was biased though, for if she'd been told that another wolf she didn't know or care about was a murderer...she'd likely have thought them a bad wolf altogether.

It was different with Judas though, because she'd known Judas. It was a lot to consider, a lot of things she'd never thought about before. This entire trip had turned into more than she would have ever expected. As she looked at Judas she realized she didn't feel fearful of him, she only felt sad for him. Sad for the pain that he had gone through as a child that had made him do the things he had, and sad for the pain that he had caused himself by doing such bad things. In her heart of hearts she believed people were allowed to change, they were allowed to better themselves. Judas was not a bad wolf. Not anymore.

Judas did not see what he first thiught he would see. Instead of fear, there was sadness. Instead of anger, there was confusion and shock. Still, it was emotions he did not want to see in her eyes. He still had not realised the inner feelings she had, seeing him as a friend no matter what. If he had known, he would have thought there was nothing that could make him crazy again, as long as Pyx was there to help him through it.

And even then, her words touched him. Not a cold, biting touch like a harsh winter wind. But more of a gentle summer breeze. Judas felt as if something began to warm up inside. He had always judged himself, not thinking about how others judged him. The forgiveness and Pyx were proof that others did care, and weren't to judge him. So he shouldn't have judged them.

Then it came to the subject he never clearly understood. Love. The only love he had was from his mother, a maternal love. And that was taken. But was it really gone? All his thoughts to her had once fueled his hatred. But now, they fueled the opposite. Then he started to develop feelings that confused him for Mitanni. He looked at Pyx, his ears drooping slowly. Her words warmed his cold heart.

She asked if that was how he knew so much about poisons. He nodded, speechless at how much she had doen already. He then felt pressure on his paw. he looked down to see her paw on his. He felt his face burn up. This feeling, it was somewhat new, yet he had felt it once. He glanced up to look at her, turning his face so his nose was almost touching hers. He wanted all these feelings to stop, but he knew that it wasn't him who wanted that. It was It. It wanted the emotions swirling about to stop. Well he was not going to let it win. Not this time.

She hoped her words would help him. They did not absolve him of what he had done, they did not erase his past but she hoped they might shine a light towards his future. He looked at her and his ears drooped and she felt a tendril of fear pierce her heart, had she hurt him? Had her words disappointed him? She wanted to do anything but those two things, and she wondered if her rambling had somehow had the opposite effect than what it should have. Her question about poisons seemed random amidst the rest of it, but she had spoken as her thoughts had whirled through her head, unable to stopper her mouth. He didn't seem bothered by the question, which was good.

A piece of her wondered if poisons were a more peaceful death than an outright fight, but the entire idea of comparing one death to another made her stomach twist. She dismissed the thought quickly, that was Judas' past, not his present. Her paw pressed onto his and she became aware of how close they really were. It didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable, it felt right. She did not move away from him, knowing that he needed her here. Just as much as he needed her, she wanted to be there for him. To show her first new friend that she was well and truly his friend. Her feelings of attraction to him were still present, but they were in the back of her mind. Now was serious, now was not time to flirt or make assumptions about the closeness of their faces. 

Though his confession had revealed more of him, she didn't feel much change in her feelings for him. That he could look behind him and face his deeds, not try to hide them...that was honorable. That he could tell a wolf he considered his friend that was honorable too. Perhaps she could help him on his path away from darkness. "Judas." She whispered softly, raising her eyes to meet his as he lifted his head from looking at their paws.

"Perhaps I can help you move forward. You did dark things...in your past. You hurt wolves. What...what if I teach you healing herbs just as well as you knew poisons? What if you start to help wolves instead? To heal them? It won't...it won't erase what happened before but...it might help. You, as well as the others." Good deeds wouldn't replace the lives he'd taken, they wouldn't change what he'd done. Still, the healing could help him. It would allow him to see that he had changed, to recognize that he was still a wolf that deserved to have friends and...love. She waved her tail once, her eyes lighting up. A tentative smile crossed her face. "I can help you, if you'll let me."

Judas found the gesture of her paw on his rather comforting. For some reason he could not explain, he now wanted it to stay there. After he lifted his gaze back up, she began talking again. His name geing spoken tipped his ears up, taking in all words. The idea she suggested, it felt right.

"Yes..." His tail started swaying faster till it was a slow wag. This could work for him and others. He could try and redeem himself. "Pyx, that is a good, no great idea!" He gave her his thanks the only way her knew, by giving her a light nuzzle. That was the only meaning he knew for it. "Thank you" he whispered. he didn't know how long he had rested his head there, but it felt long. But when he remembered who taught him, Judas pulled back with a slightly downed face. He missed her. 

"She taught me how to thank others like that. Just like you, she helped me" he added after a short pause. He looked at Pyx, at her face. She started to remind him of her. "You almost remind me of her." Part of him enjoyed the resemblance, that both had helped him. But part of him also feared it. He feared if It ever broke the wall, who it would go for first.

There was comfort in their closeness, for both Judas and herself. As he recieved her idea his tail began to wag and finally his voice rose with happiness instead of tears. Her own tail wagged, pleased to have made him so happy with her idea. His nuzzle surprised her, but she returned it, taking pleasure in the warmth of his against her. Her heart thudded in her chest, but she still would not assume anything. He was her friend and he was thanking her. She smiled at his thanks, shaking her head gently to say that it was not needed.

When he pulled away, however, he was sad. She soon realized why. "Mitanni." She said, more of a statement than a question. "For someone you cared for so deeply that is a compliment, Judas. She sounds like a good friend to you, from what little I know of her." She paused, wondering if she should ask her next question. Before she could stop herself it fell from her lips. "Did you love her? Mitanni? What happened to her?" She met his gaze, wanting to know all about his past.

Though she bore an attraction to him she was not one to be upset over his affection for a wolf of his past. Had Mitanni been the one to greet him rather than Malice, Pyx would have been glad for Judas rather than upset if all had gone well. She was not one to wish unhappiness on others and she recognized that just because her heart longed for something, another's might want something else. She wouldn't begrudge Judas his feelings. Instead, she hope hearing about Mitanni might reveal more about Judas himself.

The subject of interest shifted to Mitanni. He guessed that it would be a compliment, being like her. He wished he had been. Helpful, kind, forgiving. And now, he had Pyx. Almost like her in every way, in his eyes. Besides her physical appearance. 

When Pyx asked what happened, he became confused. He never thought about what had actually happened. All he knew was that she disappeared. Somewhere. Judas didn't know anything about what occured. And he wasn't so sure about loving her either. To him, love used to be a weakness. Now he wanted it to be more to him.

"I...Don't know. I don't know what happened, or if I even truly loved her." He sighed. One day, he hoped to figure out what true love was. 'You aren't capable of love.' That was not the first time he had heard it say that. But for the first time, he didn't believe it. "I just know that she was there for me."

Pyx frowned, realizing now that Judas and Mitanni hadn't had a falling out or that she hadn't gone with Malice. For some reason she had assumed the female would be where all the other names he'd mentioned were. She nodded her head, understanding. Love was hard, and if it was cut short early on who was to say what the affection could have blossomed into. Perhaps just fierce friendship.

"Sometimes that's the best kind of love, be it romantic or a friend." She said, smiling at him. "Did she not go to Malice's pack, then? I had thought that, because so many of who you were talking about were with her...she would be too. In anycase, I'm sorry she's not here now. I'm glad I have the chance to know you better though, and be your friend. I'm glad I was here for you on this trip, Judas. Truly. No matter if we find any scout-worthy information or not, I think it was good for you...and our friendship." 

Judas smiled. He was also glad she had come along. He could use a friend, everywhere he went. Though when she brought up the fact this had all been a scouting trip, something he had forgotten came right back like a slap. How could he have forgotten the alpha's request? And he guessed Pyx had enough of travelling, so he would go alone this time.

"Thanks for that, Pyx. But, there's something I just remembered. Charon wanted me to go and find a friend of his. You should head back, I'll be fine. Really." He recalled the name Charon mentioned being someone named Mordecai, somewhere east.

Pyx was pleased that Judas truly seemed to be perking up. Meeting Malice had brought up a lot of unresolved issues for him, and now she hoped they could be somewhat put to rest. With her help, he could improve his own self image and start to heal what he had harmed before. After she mentioned the word scout an expression dashed across Judas' face and eyes. She tilt her head slightly, wondering what she'd made him think of. Hopefully nothing as emotionally draining as what they'd already been discussing. With the traveling and all the deep discussions she was both physically and mentally worn.

"Are you sure? I could stay if you like, I don't mind." Judas reassured her that he was okay, perhaps reading the tiredness in her eyes and face. Her last few months of loner life had featured little trekking. She'd mostly stuck to one place or another, traveling only lightly. It showed here, when she was worn from their journey. Not wanting to push Judas, she nodded, sighing. "Alright. I'll head back and let them know you went looking for Charon's friend. Be careful Judas, make sure you come back in one piece, okay?" She truly didn't like leaving him, not alone. He was fully capable, of course, but it felt like she was abandoning him. 

She reached forward and gently nuzzled at the corner of his jaw, a friendly farewell though her heart thudded and pound within her breast. "And make sure you come back, or I'll have to come looking for you." She gave him a mock stern look, but soon gave a chuckle. "Be safe, friend." And with that she gave him one last smile before turning and heading back towards Moonspear, back towards home. Her feet were sore, as was her heart, but this trip felt like a good thing. She smiled as she went, thinking of the future and teaching Judas how to heal. She hoped it would improve his self esteem, and keep those dark thoughts out of his head.

The coywolf felt glad to have ever met Pyx. She felt like a great friend to him. And for a short moment, he thought more of it. He had no understanding of why and the thought disappeared almost instantly. "I'll be sure to come back. In one piece, that depends." He meant it as a joke, but with some truth in it. It would all depend on what happened. He was a bit surprised by the nuzzle, but returned it by rubbing his muzzle on top of her head. "I'll be back, I swear."

Judas rolled his eyes. "Yes, Mother" he replied in a child-like voice. A smile appeared across his face. But it slowly went away as he started to already miss her as he watched her walk away. With a long deep breath, he went the other way. His eyes downcast and tail low.