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+--- Thread: Felltree Marsh alone and only a sojourner in the land, without friends or the need of them (/showthread.php?tid=32078)
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RE: alone and only a sojourner in the land, without friends or the need of them - Cadeau - February 19, 2019
"Y - yes... nowhere," Cadeau echoed in reply, trying to mask the insecurity behind a nod, as if it were common knowledge. She bit her tongue, realizing she had stuttered. "I mean... I don't have to belong anywhere, you get to see more when you don't have roots to plant anywhere. Nobody can..." Nobody can hurt you. "Can... control where you go and do," she said instead, hiding behind a false sense of aloofness, nobody got curious when you acted with confidence.
She missed her family with a passion that burned hotter than fire, she had been a daddy's girl and her mother had been her rock. Cadeau sucked in a breath and forced the words out, "They don't need me around. I was getting to be too much of a burden so I flew the nest, you know, find your own way, join a... a pack." She spilled so many truths marked in lies but it wasn't like she would get close to Illidan for him to know them. "Be a wolf. We are both better for it, my family and me, I mean."
Why would anyone befriend a halfling anyway? A misfit who couldn't control either side of herself? She was grateful for the company but it only served as a reminder of how lonely she was.
RE: alone and only a sojourner in the land, without friends or the need of them - Illidan - February 28, 2019
there was something to be said for not belonging anywhere. it was a feeling that the young man was incredibly familiar with. no matter where he had lived, there was always an aching reminder that he did not belong. even after having been reunited with his family, illidan felt as though he was plagued by that reminder. his mother would have argued; she would have told him he was a fool. he would never have uttered such feelings to her. it was not a respectful thing to say to someone who had given him life and a home to come back to.
“you know, you can have all those things and still belong to a pack... you just need to find the right one,” he assured her, even though he was not so certain of that fact himself. he wanted to believe that if he offered this advice to cadeau, it would prove to him that even he could belong somewhere. “you could come live with us? or there are other packs on the coast that i've heard are welcoming to all kinds of wolves,” he told her with a soft, haunted smile.
“we could visit them together if you wanted? find a place that's perfect for you...” but really, illidan mostly wanted to help this woman so that he did not have to think about himself. as difficult as it was for him, he thought that putting energy into a stranger's life was more rewarding than facing his own demons head-on.
RE: alone and only a sojourner in the land, without friends or the need of them - Cadeau - February 28, 2019
Cadeau looked momentarily surprised at his words, the brown female cocking her head. The offer was not something she was expecting, after all she was a stranger. Why did he feel the need to out stretch the offer to her? Not that she was complaining, of course. Just... it wasn't expected. She swallowed a wad of nervous spit.
"I'm not sure such a place exists," Cadeau said as she averted her eyes once more. "Dogs--- wolves dont like me much," Cadeau caught her blunder a tad too late and mortified she quickened her pace, heart racing in hopes he missed it. "Wolves, wolves don't like me much." Strained she gave him a smile but could feel her insides quivering. Why was she being so honest with him? Sure, there were lies mixed in with the truths but still, she was saying too much.
"I've said too much," she told him in a quick voice, as if she were a cornered rabbit. "Its not important. I'm not important. Forget I said anything, I talk too much." Cadeau felt bad ddropping so much baggage on a stranger but something about him made her feel safe. "You'd... do that for me?" Skeptical she pursed her lips and cocked her head much like a young pup. "Why? You don't know me." The words were spoken with confusion.
Cadeau had to back off before she told him everything. Gossip could spread after all like back home. "Your wounds aren't hurting too bad, are they? It's been quite a walk now, Illidan. Do you need to stop or anything?"
RE: alone and only a sojourner in the land, without friends or the need of them - Illidan - March 01, 2019
no amount of wishful thinking would have allowed him to unhear the word that she had used and then covered up. his ears twisted on his head and he turned to her with a squinted expression. the yellow in his gaze was latched tightly to her own sights. it explained why she looked different from some of the other wolves that he’d crossed paths with. still, he didn’t think that there would be those who would turn her away for being mixed. he’d met some who looked far worse than she did and they still had places to call home.
“doesn’t matter what you are,” he said with a shrug and a frown. “you can find a home that’ll accept you. even if you have to make your own.” they were nice words for someone who felt far too out of place in his own dwelling. then, she proceeded to ask him why he might extend the offer to search the coast for a place for her to make her own. he thought it odd that she would find the idea so outrageous that she would question his motives on it.
“listen, it would be good for both of us,” he tried to convince her. “i’ll get to scout the coast and meet some of the other packs, and you’ll get to ask them what kind of wolves they accept.” it was a perfect deal, he thought. they’d get some experience under their belts and she might find out that her worries were not needed; there was a home for her out there in spite of where she came from or what she looked like. illidan had to believe that to be true, or else he would fear for himself.
“my wounds are fine. i’ve endured worse…”
RE: alone and only a sojourner in the land, without friends or the need of them - Cadeau - March 01, 2019
The jig was up, Cadeau could tell when Illidan spoke, bringing up that what she was didn't matter as much as she made it out to be. Cadeau didn't want to openly admit it but was there any point of dragging out the lie when it was so blatantly obvious?
She heaved a sigh and bit the bullet, keeping her eyes locked on his so she wouldn't chicken out. "I can't control myself," Cadeau told him. "I... lost control of my instincts and ran away from home. I wasn't being honest with you and I'm not sure I even should be. We literally just met."
Feeling guilty she averted her eyes, fearing his reaction. She was spilling her heart to someone she barely knew, not one of her smartest feats but she supposed the emotional baggage had eaten away her resolve. Cadeau hoped he wouldn't ask for specifics because she did not want to relive the memory of killing that dog, the memory of the human shooting her father in front of her because of what they were, the grief of her mother's face and how hard it was leaving her behind to protect her from herself... Everything that stemmed from the important question of 'what happened to you?'
Frustrated, she huffed, no longer looking at him as she walk at his side. "It ruined my family and my life. It does matter what I am. You shouldn't even be nice to me like you are, I don't deserve it." Cadeau pinned her ears. "I always hurt somebody in the end because of what I am." I might even hurt you.
Cadeau stopped walking when Illidan brought his idea into light, he seemed very serious about it and the thought of encountering other wolves scared her. "I'm not sure. If my old home chased me out why wouldn't these wolves, Illidan? I feel..." Afraid! I feel afraid and I don't want to drag you into my mess... She made a thoughtful face, shuffling her paws. "You and my dad are... um... the only wolves I've ever really met since leaving. I was planning on going on solo until... I dunno, forever?" Part of her hated how tempting his idea was, to go out of her comfort zone to mingle with other wolves and perhaps find the place she could belong. "I'm not saying no but I'm just not sure," she hastily added, not wanting to seem as if she were shooting his plan down. "It could be risky..." You used to live for risks, my how time has cowed you, Cad. She idly wondered if he had other reasons to suggest this idea, it seemed odd to do so just because of a stranger but she didn't feel brave enough to ask him. Not like she had any right to either with how much lying she just did. If she was going to possibly tag along with him being honest was important.
Even if the honesty tasted bitter on her nervous tongue. Cadeau hoped she could find an ally in Illidan, his company so far was most pleasant. Would traveling with him to meet a few wolf packs really be the end of the world? He didn't say she had to pick a pack in the end, though it seemed to be the desired outcome of the adventure. She was curious now, he mentioned it would be good for the two of them, was there something internal that he too was facing? Cadeau furrowed her brows, deep in thought a moment.
As he reassured her about his wounds, she absently reached forward to lick at the injury on his shoulder. More so to comfort herself than him because she felt she owed him for being so nice to her. "You shouldn't have to endure worse to admit to me you're hurting at all, Illidan." She gave him a more honest smile. "Don't be shy if you need to sit a moment." If... if hes so willing to help me than I will do what I can to help him too. The thought made her feel better somehow. Like she had a friend.
RE: alone and only a sojourner in the land, without friends or the need of them - Illidan - March 11, 2019
somehow, he had managed to break through her barricade with as little force as necessary. he only had to sleuth his way into the holes in her story to find out that she was part dog. illidan wasn’t fully prepared for the story that followed, though. she went on to explain that she had done some things that had destroyed her home and her family. he thought this to be an unlikely happening, based only on how kind she seemed to have been to him. still, he didn’t know her past well enough to speak up about his doubts. instead, he nodded his head solemnly.
without having all of the details, the dark-hooded young ghost did not know how to offer her any advice. there were tons of things that could destroy a family, but he didn’t want to lead with that. try as he might, the young man felt like he was trapped in a state of depressive words and actions. he wasn’t sure if he was even capable of being sound in his reasoning to her. still, he didn’t fully understand why it was that she was so concerned with how the wolves would treat her.
“what did you do? can’t help you if i have no clue what happened,” he tried to coax out of her. for the time being, illidan ignored the comment about his shoulder and the capability that was left in his lean frame. it hurt, but everything seemed to hurt him all the time… what did it matter if he felt a modicum of physical pain against the backdrop of almost a year of emotional misery.
she spoke of going it on her own – finding her own path without needing the company of others. it reminded him of the few stories that his father had shared with him. it reminded him of the life that he was going to lead after he had gotten separated from his family. funny how things never ended up precisely as they were planned. she couldn’t really think that being alone was the best way to live a life, though. after having the love and care from her family surely, she must have thought that there was a chance for something like that again.
but then, maybe he had no idea what he was thinking.
RE: alone and only a sojourner in the land, without friends or the need of them - Cadeau - March 11, 2019
Cadeau swallowed a thick wad of saliva when he asked of what she had done, the young halfling struggling not to just turn tail and flee. It was still too soon, the wound too fresh and the pain the memory brought made her want to drop dead herself. This was not what she wanted to confront, a past she was trying to run from. The wolfdog tried to keep his eyes but the anxiety remained in the depths of her bones.
Illidan was right though, he couldn't help her if he didn't know all the details but at the same time did she even want help? She didn't deserve it, Cadeau sighed heavily and shifted her weight to and fro.
"I did something really bad," Cadeau began, her eyes staring at his wounds, looking faraway as if she were not really seeing him. She could see those lifeless eyes and the blood oozing from the torn throat.
Then there was the judgement, twice as hard as it was prior, in the wake of the accident. The dogs had demanded she be cast out of the town, or else they would take matters into their own paws for the killing. They had barked loudly that she was a threat, a walking time bomb due to the wolf half of herself. "She's already killed once! She has the taste for blood now, Maela! Let us at her or we will do it by force! You have three days to get that thing out of here." The words echoed in her head.
Her mother had been in danger, all because of what she was. What her instincts had made her do. "I'm... not safe to keep around. I..."
She pinned her ears and clenched her teeth, turning away to avoid his judgment. "I didn't mean to do it. I thought I could control myself but I let myself slip up for just a second." She had just been minding her own business, wandering through the town when she remembered seeing a blur rush passed her from beneath the picket fence. In that split second a powerful urge took over, instincts deep inside telling her to chase it.
Cadeau kept her distance, as if afraid she could harm him. "It's like I got two voices in my head and... I hurt someone really badly and nothing will bring them back." Cadeau had ran after it, the wolf in her enpowered by the thrill of the hunt. What she thought was a rabbit or a squirrel had been anything but that... it was a small fluffy dog and Cadeau could still taste his blood on her tongue. The horror still pooled in her belly.
I killed him, the words clearly said but Cadeau was much too afraid to say it. She didn't look at him, brown eyes staring into the forest as she fought a tremble. Her paws itched to take her away from here, Cadeau knew any possible fresh start was flushed down the drain now. She was good at running away, she could keep it up if she had to, it meant she couldn't hurt anyone. Cadeau could burn this bridge down before he could even try crossing it, heart thumping in her ears. I don't know what I'm even doing right now...
This was a terrible idea, Cadeau didn't chance glancing at him as she caught her bearings. "I - I should go. I'm sorry." She made to shuffle away but paused, hesitant as she turn to look at him. He was hurt, she couldn't leave him like that. She promised to find him willow bark for his pain and salt for the wounds. "No, no... you're hurt. I'm supposed to help you." She spoke a tad softly but still loud enough he could hear but Cadeau wondered listlessly if he would even accept medical aid from the halfling now that the skeletons were out like they were. For heavens sake the male had been attacked and here she was confessing after getting him to accept help from her that she'd maimed someone! Cadeau strained her eyes not to jump away from his face, feeling small.
Helplessly she dared to speak, mind feeling fried and tired. "Please just tell me what I'm supposed to do." Do I leave or do you trust me to stay? Cadeau knew she rambled enough self pity for a life time and she wanted nothing more than to shut her traitorous antsy tongue once and for all.
RE: alone and only a sojourner in the land, without friends or the need of them - Illidan - March 21, 2019
the story should have elicited something kinder in him. he was careful to listen to all the details that she shared. he still didn’t fully understand what she might have done to cause such trauma in herself or in others. he wasn’t sure that she knew the situation that she was in. the wilderness did not care if she had done something bad, if she had killed someone. nothing about where she was cared about her past or the troubles that had followed her. he wondered how she had survived that long… how had she even found him?
as baffled as he was that she hadn’t died somewhere along the way, he did not know how he was supposed to react to her confession. he had to have known that her life had been very different from his own. the few details that he’d gotten from her had told him that, at the very least. as much as he wanted to knock some sense into the girl, he knew that it wouldn’t have done any good. he would have only been fulfilling what she’d thought to be true of the wolf.
“so what?” the dark-hooded young man blurted with a shrug of his shoulders and a frown. he hadn’t fully intended for it to come out that way, but that was how it had arrived. she was worried about fussing over his wound, but he had suffered through far worse than the gash in his shoulder. illidan had a darkness in his head that would never fade and could never be healed back to normal.
“listen, you’re in a totally different world now. you don’t have the same surroundings, and this place,” he gestured with his muzzle to their surroundings in a sweeping motion, “this place will eat you alive and spit you back out without a second thought, if you let it. you’re going to have to decide whether or not you want to survive out here.” the words seemed harsher than he meant them to. he didn’t want to tell her off, but he was concerned that she didn’t fully understand her circumstances.
all that the boy could think about was the flashing of fangs and the clash of bodies that had taken place on the cliffs of drageda. he could not picture cadeau in that mess. she would have been another lost life, and that was both frustrating and saddening for the boy to imagine. if he couldn’t reach her – if he couldn’t make her understand that acting on her instinct was going to mean the difference between life and death – he was afraid that she would fade away and the wild world would extinguish her.
RE: alone and only a sojourner in the land, without friends or the need of them - Cadeau - March 21, 2019
Cadeau hadn't been expecting that reply at all, the young halfling jerking her head back as if he'd just slapped her. She was more so prepared for a call out if anything else, much like how the dogs had. "So what?" The words echoed in her head and she stared at him like a deer in head lights, blinking slowly in stunned silence.
Eventually she found her words and spoke, "So what? I could accidentally hurt someone else again, that's what!" Cadeau frowned. She fell quiet when he spoke again, eyes watching his every word. She couldn't help but admire how direct he was, it still hurt though Cadeau knew it was what she needed to hear. There was no sugar coating out here, that Cadeau had picked up on her own after she first began to live out in the wild like this.
"You're going to have to decide whether or not you want to survive out here." Cadeau averted her eyes a moment, gathering her thoughts before looking him straight in the face. "And what if there isn't anywhere I can survive out here?" She furrowed her brows. "I didn't fit in with the world I was born into so why would I survive here either? No matter what I decide the other half of me isn't going to belong. Dogs can't be wild, wolves can't be tamed and I'm the living proof of it." Cadeau's eyes were hard, as if challenging Illidan to prove her wrong. She had a paw in two worlds and two halves of herself that were vastly different, unable to properly coexist. In the early days her father had taught her some things about being a wolf and with his death she didn't just lose a father but a teacher as well. She knew nothing about this wild life she'd been forced into by the dogs.
She sighed, "I don't know the first thing about living like... well, you." She had scrapped by since leaving home, poaching leftover kills and munching greenery and picking off smaller animals. Cadeau could fight but with her smaller stature and rusty use of it she avoided confrontations whenever she could. Her thinner build hinted at a poor diet, she had made it on wits alone. Street smarts did not translate into wilderness survival however. There weren't trash cans to ransack or alley cats to chase off for pickings. It was fight or flight out here, and Cadeau had gotten the fight beaten out of her a long time ago.
Cadeau flicked an ear nervously, knowing her words were of little help or benefit in this moment. "I was taught not to act like the other thing I am, Illidan. All my life. I wish I could tell you what I want to do because the truth is I don't know." It seemed she never knew anything these days, she lived on second guesses and mistakes she was scared of repeating.
RE: alone and only a sojourner in the land, without friends or the need of them - Illidan - April 01, 2019
“everyone gets hurt,” illidan remarked coldly. his expression was stern, and he did not pull his sights away from her features as he said it. “sometimes it happens because of you… and sometimes it happens because you were unable to do anything to help them, but everyone gets hurt.” he wasn’t going to go on and tell her how stupid he thought it was that she might feel it necessary to live her life in complete fear of hurting another individual. if she hadn’t already learned that bad shit happened to good people, it was something that he hoped she would never have to. life had a funny and awful way of teaching lessons.
“you’re still living though,” he pointed out with a glare and a shrug. “you say that you don’t fit in either world, but you haven’t even tried to fit into this one, so that’s a load of garbage and it isn’t for me to sort out.” she needed to want it for herself. she needed to make the choice that she could and would survive with her wilder blood. most of it was in her head, but he didn’t have the knowledge to tell her this. he only saw what she’d shown him, and he could only comment on his limited information.
there was a sigh as she remarked that she would like to learn how to live like he did. he barely knew how he was holding on to begin with. he was not so sure that he could help coach another lost soul through the maze that was life. shaking his head, illidan frowned. “just act how you feel you should act and quit trying to hide portions of yourself. it isn’t going to do you any good and you’re way more likely to be hurting others if you keep trying,” he warned her. playing games would only damage her more than she’d already been.
RE: alone and only a sojourner in the land, without friends or the need of them - Cadeau - April 01, 2019
Cadeau let her ears lay flat against her head as he spoke, not liking what he was saying but knowing that he spoke with the truth she needed to hear. It was honest, direct and it hurt. It reminded her why she was running like a coward because she feared the pain and trauma but it was something she couldn't escape the more she let Illidan's words stew in her mind. Cadeau listened to him speak, the fight in her weakening into resolve as she heaved a breath that felt heavier than any brick she had thrown at her.
"You're right," she said listlessly, tone emotionless a moment before Cadeau continued to speak, "I know you are completely right but... its hard to get over. I want to wash my paws of it, some wounds just don't heal like that though. You know... easily." Cadeau grimanced as she said the word, like it tasted bad. "I don't need you to sort me out, that's for me to do." She straightened herself up in a display of acceptence despite her eyes seeming hurt still. It was a step in the process at least. "Its my baggage to sift through."
Act how she felt she should... Cadeau wasn't sure what that meant exactly but she let herself drift back to the depths of her past, the emotions and instincts she repressed since the day her father died as a puppy. The urge to chase, the urge to fight, the urge to track and to hunt... The urge to be wild. It almost sounded taboo but Cadeau had a hunch it was what she was meant to do out here. What she was meant to be. "So if I see a car running by, I better listen to my head and chase it down?" She said in a quip, it held a flicker of humor to the words as she gave a waned smile on her face. Of course he probably wouldn't know what a car was but that wasn't the point. It was her way of showing Illidan she was willing to try, even if joking probably wasn't the best route to take after such a serious discussion. It would make her feel better at least.
RE: alone and only a sojourner in the land, without friends or the need of them - Illidan - April 05, 2019
he didn’t need her to tell him about how her baggage couldn’t be shared. he knew well enough for himself just how difficult it was to traverse through a life that only knew how to knock you down. he had shouldered his way through more danger than he cared to admit. while he didn’t truly believe that the girl was at risk of being harmed, he figured that her troubles were something that could really bring her down. if she wasn’t at the peak of her mental condition, she wasn’t likely to take to learning very well. he could only imagine what it would have been like to try to teach her to hunt when she was dealing with her trauma.
she didn’t seem to like what he’d had to say, but she at least agreed with the message. sure, it was difficult to swallow the pill of life. sometimes it was almost impossible, but it was all that could be done. without the pitfalls, you could never enjoy the truly good moments. that might have been a cheap way of saying that you just needed to deal with the shit you were given, but it was all that was helping him make it through his days.
“what’s a car?” he couldn’t help but to ask when she made a remark that he did not understand. the ghost canted his head to the side and perked his ears atop his head. his brow was knitted thoughtfully, and he peered at her as though she had spoken a completely different tongue at him.
RE: alone and only a sojourner in the land, without friends or the need of them - Cadeau - April 06, 2019
Cadeau tried to let herself relax away the tension in her body, ignore her inner frustrations and focus instead on the present at paw. Illidan was gifting her a good chance here at starting over and if she were to do that she had to start letting go of the metaphorical shackles. It wasn't doing her any good anymore, not like it had prior and frankly she was so tired of running and being tormented by the past. It haunted her like a ghost. This little adventure could be just what she needed, like Illidan said.
At his question and curious head tilt, Cadeau couldn't help but smirk a little at the sight, reminding her of a curious pup. "They are really big and long with black paws that spin in circles," she saI'd, trying to use terms he could understand without confusing the boy further. "They're shiny like smooth rocks, smell super awful and rumble like thunder... or a bear with indigestion." She fixated her eyes back on his wounds.
"Enough about my soap opera and cars... Let's get those injuries tended to, I've held you up long enough," Cadeau said, offering him a smile.
RE: alone and only a sojourner in the land, without friends or the need of them - Illidan - April 06, 2019
her description of what a car was seemed like it was completely concocted on the spot. illidan did not even attempt to hide his expression of disbelief. all he could really think is that she must have been pranking him. if such a creature did exist, he was certain that he would have heard of it or seen it out on his expeditions. for a girl who didn’t really even know what it meant to be a wolf, he found it awfully difficult to believe that she had seen some magical beast that existed in such a way.
before he could say anything against it, she mentioned that they should get back to tending to his wounds. the dark-hooded young man frowned and then nodded his head. she was right; they had spent more than enough time standing around and talking. there would be time to discuss such things later on, but if she was going to assist with the gash on his shoulder, it would need to be a priority.
“alright, this way,” he agreed and motioned with a nod of his muzzle. then, the lean-limbed young man began their journey into the unknown. “but you’re going to tell me more about these ‘cars’ as we go, because i think you’re making them up…”