nomi's return has been permanently marred by the news that mother has turned natrona and taken her sister with her. 

when she was a girl, her mother's absence had weighed her down like stones lining her ribcage. her fierce desire to find her, return her safely to drageda, to blixen, had been the very thing that drove her into training with nomi and eske as a gona. now, though, she can see even her mother's return had been fraught from the beginning -- so much growth had separated them, and then her conflict with furi. blixen wonders: had her mother been so unhappy? is it her fault for not spending more time with her, for being distracted by her duties, for losing bat --

no.

it isn't guilt that weighs her down anymore but anger, righteous and holy. her mother

the natrona

she is young and impetuous and her blood runs hot. she is impatient and cruel, even, despite her best intentions. she cannot love a natrona. she cannot love a mother that has left her not once but twice -- and without even a goodbye! a natrona who has stolen her baby sister from her (she cannot bring herself to think of kiwi as natrona too -- they're still so young). 

still, all this fury cannot take away the facts. bat was lost under her reign. she took mallaidh back in -- her defenses against nomi's judgment are flimsy, made even more so by her other failures. she wants to hide away from it all but she is not a child and the option does not exist, so she squares her shoulders and calls out for nomi by the shores of the lake, her voice strained.

she knows nomi must be disappointed in her--and if she isnt yet, she will be--but she accepts the affection, anyway, her eyes briefly squeezing shut. in the face of her heda she deflates, feeling so very like how she used to as a child, still trying to prove herself, desperate and eager. the whole world to her had hinged on getting strong enough to keep any more of her family from being taken from her. and she'd failed--in the worst way, because if mother had been attacked or kidnapped or killed and there could be an honest fight, if blix had just failed against an external force, well. that's one thing.

her mother just.. just leaving her? that's something she knows, logically, she couldn't have trained for--and it's crushing.

"m'sorry," the girl mumbles into nomi's shoulder, slipping into trig. "i shoulda found bat, maybe then they would have stayed." she pulls back, quickly steeling her expression. that's not actually why she called for nomi. in english she says, "but i called you to fill you in on the-- what happened while you were gone, besides.. that." starting with--she straightens her shoulders and sucks in a breath--"furi--mallaidh, now--is here. she found kiwi for us when she wandered off, before bat left, and brought her back despite knowing how we feel about, about..." blix pauses. she'd hidden the fact that she'd met furi during her stint with the girls, not wanting to brand her officially as natrona. she's not about to start now. clearing her throat, she continues, "that was a -- that was a good thing, something i felt that--she's a good warrior and brave and we needed more wolves like her. need more." there. its not the most eloquent defense (when is she ever) but it's real and honest and for furi, she will fight, especially as raw as she feels right now. she just hopes nomi will understand.

nomi says it is not your fault and her breath hitches, some part of her belly that's been clenched--since bat's disappearance at least--releasing. in some ways it being her fault would make it easier to swallow. failure is confrontable in a way that abandonment is not. she doesn't have time to dwell too deeply on it, pushing down the flash of anger for now, as nomi accepts furi's reappearance and moves on with more grace than blix deserves or really anticipated.

"thank you," she murmurs, but nomi isn't done talking. as she speaks blixen's eyes grow rounder and rounder, confused and then surprised, her ears flattening against her head. "i, that's," the girl stammers, "--of course, nomi, i'll stay on with you and dio." a hundred protests swim before her--she's never wanted to be a leader, she didn't exactly do a great job in her opinion, and also, another branch, where? with who?--but she's a grown drageda wolf and she's past the age of contesting everything nomi tells her. instead she swallows hard and nods, saying, "i-i'm happy to learn more from you. and lead another branch, if that's what you feel is best for us -- where?" she can't help but add, the thought of being too far away from nomi, from home, making her anxiously vibrate. she's a homebody and even though she'd go wherever nomi tells her to go, god she hopes it isn't all the way back to trigeda or something.

nomi gives her the choice--again, unexpected, but something she takes seriously. blix nods and says "close, then--like the sound," thinking of her brief exploration of the grotto with helix. it was close enough to satisfy blix, who would definitely get lost if she went too far from the cliffs. 

"the bear isn't there any more," she adds, offering a quick grin. but still, there's time for things to change, and as long as she gets to stay close she's happy. "and i'll tell you what else happened while you were gone," blix adds, remembering suddenly she wants to do that, and proceeds to fill nomi in on the rest -- which e doesn't remember but blixen certainly does.